The Married Target


“Nuns and married women are equally unhappy,” so said Queen Christina of Sweden.

I have not (yet) targeted a nun although I would readily claim to have done so, since an entertaining tale would surely be attached to such an endeavour. It is a different story with regards to married women.

Our kind often target married women and men for the purposes of seducing them, causing them to engage in an affair with us and cause us to put asunder that matrimonial union.

Why do we target those who are married? Given that our kind generally prefer to be pushing on an open door when it comes to the question of seduction and the fact that we like to conserve energy, why we would pick a target which is already with somebody else? Not only are they with someone else but they are married, joined together by ceremony and therefore this coupling has become elevated to the ultimate statement of commitment and therefore ought to be regarded as unassailable.

  1. Entitlement. The world is ours and that includes all those within it. We want therefore we should get.
  2. Lack of boundary recognition Nothing is off limits to us. The institution of marriage is one we respect for the purpose of the facade but otherwise it means nothing to us ( The Narcissist and Marriage ).
  3. Lack of accountability. We might be labelled as a marriage spoiler and home wrecker but what do we care? It won’t be our fault because our narcissistic perspective automatically causes us to advance reasons as to why we have done nothing wrong – “He obviously wasn’t happy otherwise why he did he leave?”
  4. Triangulation. A favoured manipulation of ours which allows for contrast, the creation of drama, pitting parties against one another and of course two fuel streams.
  5. Magical thinking. This includes the triangulation and lack of accountability as we regard ourselves as actually doing a good thing. We are the White Knight riding in to rescue the damsel in distress or the Angelic Soul tending to the downtrodden man. As is often the case we will portray ourselves as the rescuer – at least to begin with.
  6. Omnipotence. Seducing someone single, anybody we choose and of course succeeding, shows how effective we are. Steal that person away from a partner, our power is even greater. Pluck them from a marriage? How mighty are we to be able to do that?
  7. Malice. The cuckolded individual might be someone who has mortally offended us and by stealing something so precious as their spouse, then that allows the delivery of sweet revenge on this transgressor.
  8. Confirmation of empathic traits. A married person is clearly a love devotee. They will be honest and decent because they agreed to this statement of commitment. They subscribe to the institution of marriage which will indicate a good moral compass. They will be caring since they have agreed to be with another in this environment and that means they will share resources, tend for that person when upset or ill and so forth.
  9. Confirmation of residual benefits. It is highly likely that this individual, being part of a domestic set-up will engage in earning a wage, DIY, cooking, cleaning, tending for the other person and similar tasks which tells those of our kind who prioritise those matters that these are residual benefits which are ready to be conveyed on us. There may even be property and financial advantages to sequestrate post divorce.
  10. Fuel. By turning the head of this dazzling exotic creature which is locked in a gilded cage, he or she will be grateful, joyous and ecstatic to be freed and of course the recipient of all this positive fuel will be us, the glorious rescuer. Throw in the negative fuel of the bested spurned spouse and it is a fuel frenzy.

Accordingly, the fact that somebody is married signals to us that there are many benefits and our mind set sees this individual as an entirely viable target.

However, might there be concerns also? I am sure various questions have already formed in your mind as to why we might not regard a married person as a viable target. This may include.

  1. Why choose someone who is already with somebody else? Surely that requires more effort to lure them away?
  2. Is it not the case that Lesser and Mid-Ranger Narcissists are more likely to be deterred from hoovering when their former Intimate Partner Primary Source (“IPPS”) have a new parter post escape/dis-engagement? Does this not apply when seeking a target?
  3. Are we not concerned about reprisals from the target’s spouse, family and friends?
  4. Are we not concerned our facade may be damaged by such behaviour which society generally frowns on?
  5. Would we not be perturbed that if this person can be stolen away from another that that means they will do the same to us at some point?
  6. If someone is willing to cheat on their partner, are they as empathic as we want them to be?

Fair questions. Taking them in turn.

  1. Yes, it will require more effort but our sense of entitlement, unshakeable belief in our brilliance and moreover the rewards that await us mean this effort is worthwhile. Keep in mind that as we are targeting this person we will usually be devaluing our own IPPS an therefore there is plenty of negative fuel to hand to power the seduction of this newly acquired target. We are not in any rush to secure them (our IPPS is not looking to escape and the conditions for dis-engagement have not yet been met).
  2. That consideration is certainly applicable when applied to the Follow-Up Hoover but this is a Seduction Hoover and therefore the condition and context are entirely different. The fear of rejection is not one which is looming large.
  3. No. Our belief in our superiority pushes such a concern to one side. The Lesser will resort to physical violence if necessary. The Mid-Ranger will use this unwarranted (in his or her mind) attack to prove that he or she deserves pity and praise for doing the right thing in trying to set the poor spouse free from their “abusive tyrant”. The Greater will charm his way out of trouble or threaten his own far worse repercussions if anybody tries to get clever.
  4. This is a concern however it is overridden because whatever (unmerited) criticism may come our way for interfering in a marriage, we convince ourselves that it is justified and for the ‘greater good’. This person is unhappy, bored, abused and we are getting them out of there and if you were a real friend you would understand that and help me! (May as well manipulate the disapproving secondary source as well).
  5. Ha ha! Of course not, why on earth would they ever leave us after everything we have done for them? Don’t be stupid.
  6. This is an interesting question and one which merits its own article as to why do empathic people cheat? Suffice to state for the purposes of this piece, we regard their desire to cheat as a necessary ‘evil’ to escape the situation they are in/get to a better place with us and this is a temporary behaviour which will not affect their overall empathic nature.

Accordingly, with motivating factors in place and any potential concerns either not applicable or easily addressed, we commence our pursuit.

Why do we consider that this married target will succumb to our seduction? Leaving aside our belief in our irresistible qualities, our brilliance and magnetism there are a number of reasons why we see it as likely that these people will fall under our spell.

  1. The married targets we lock on to are of course of similar make-up to our targets who are single. Namely they have the relevant empathic, class and special traits as explained in  Sitting Target: How and Why the Narcissist Chooses You . Moreover the people we target are susceptible to being drawn to our kind. They have an inherent vulnerability to our kind and being married does not mean this vulnerability has vanished.
  2. The married target may already be with one of our kind. Thus, whilst the Lesser and Mid-Range will not recognise this, they will instinctively have identified a person who is susceptible to them also AND will invariably be devalued (or is being devalued) and therefore allows the incoming narcissist to play the role of rescuer. It is the case that our kind will steal empaths from one another. The Greater Narcissist will of course recognise one of the brethren and use this to his advantage in spiriting away the empathic married target.
  3. The married target might actually be one of our kind and the Lesser and Mid-Range have not spotted one another. The married target is of course absolutely game for infidelity and whilst the outcome will be the relevant conclusion of a romantic collision between the relevant school of narcissist, the fact that the married target is a narcissist means that the coupling is going to occur.
  4. We see how people’s lives become humdrum and monotonous. We do not recognise the deep-seated bond between two people because we are incapable of attachment ourselves. We do not pay heed to  the stability that some relationships acquire through the passage of time. What we see instead is someone who must be bored with the same routine (because of course we become bored easily and therefore judge others in a similar vein) but our magical thinking means they cannot possibly become bored with us. Whilst we may not play the abuse card, we still see this person as stuck in a rut, fed-up, in need of spice and adventure and of course as the dazzling whirlwind that we are, we arrive and provide that all. Who could fail to be excited by such a marvellous array of glitter, gold and garnish?
  5. People always have something to complain about with regard to their spouse. He isn’t romantic any more, she has let herself go, we never do anything together, she just wants to watch television, he won’t show any interest in what I do, he insists on going fishing every weekend, he snores and it drives me nuts and so on. Whether it is significant or trivial, we will count on these facts and uncover them and use them to our advantage. We will heighten our attractiveness based on this (for instance asking you all about your interest in 18th century literature) and denigrate the spouse’s unattractive trait (i wouldn’t go fishing if I could go to the theatre with you instead). Of course this is just part of the lying and mirroring that we do.
  6. Our split thinking will automatically paint your spouse as the villain of the piece. His concern about where you are is painted as him trying to control you. His friendly demeanour with other women is evidence of his flirtatious nature. Our insidious techniques drip feed dissent and play with your mind. We dangle the golden carrot in one hand and pump toxic lies over your spouse with the other, looking to steadily tip the scales in our favour.
  7. We will readily invent tales of your spouse’s supposed misdemeanours and/or manufacture them. A Lieutenant will be sent to flirt with your husband and we will provide you with footage to show their entanglement (of course we remove the part where your husband actually shows he is faithful and he tells her to leave him alone). Another Lieutenant will be sent to get your wife drunk or slip drugs into her handbag for you to find later, ramping up our suggestions that she is selfish and tripping the light fantastic whilst you stay at home looking after the children. Why are you putting up with that when you could leave and be with someone who really appreciates you?
  8. Everybody has their price. Nobody is immune and above being manipulated into a position whereby they are seduced by us. Yes, some may take longer than others, but combine the target’s susceptibility, the fact they may be in a difficult relationship, the fact they may be bored or lonely, the fact we are exciting and invigorating, the fact we will manipulate the battlefield so it is always in our favour and you have a situation where it is impossible for someone to resist us. We will secure our married target. Ultimately, if there are those who are impervious to our overtures, we won’t target them to begin with.

The dynamic of the married target and the narcissist also has to be addressed. We may see a ring on a finger of a person in a bar and opt to make them an Intimate Partner Tertiary Source by sleeping with them that night before they slink away to their spouse. We may never bother with them again, but fuel has been obtained, Thought Fuel gained thinking of the unseen spouse wondering where their wife or husband is and the ratification of our power achieved.

More often the married target becomes a Non Intimate Secondary Source. We worm our way in as a wonderful friend, but this is a mere staging post as we hurtle towards bedding them and making them an Intimate Partner Secondary Source. They may be a Dirty Little Secret, a colleague who we rut in the empty offices at work or who scurries away from their spouse under the pretence of attending the gym before meeting is in the back of our car in a shadowy car park. We may have no pressing need to make them our IPPS and therefore we are content to utilise that person as a Shelf IPSS, organising a night away together when he pretends he is on a business trip, or calling in to work on the basis of being unwell, to spend an afternoon together. We may bring you into our world, letting you meet friends and family, seeing you intermittently, content to show you our enticing world and then place you on the shelf, leaving you longing for more, pining for us at weekends when you must be with your family and we are engaging with our own IPPS or a different IPSS.

We may hit the motherlode and realise you ought to be our IPPS and as our Candidate IPSS we go all out to smear your spouse, entice you and roll out all our dazzling illusions to show you that you need to leave him, be free and be yourself but with us. We will coax, cajole and entice, showing you the forbidden fruits and the liberation that awaits you at our supposedly benevolent rescuing hand. The more we smear your innocent spouse and the more we shower you with the love-bombing, your resistance will erode. Your emotional thinking will subsume your cool, hard logic as you become swept up in the moment and your emotional thinking cons you as it whispers to you

“You have been a wife and a mother for twenty years, never complaining, it is time you started living.”

“She just isn’t interested in sex anymore and you have needs, here is someone who makes you feel alive again.”

“She just takes you for granted. Here is someone who values you.”

“Yes he will be hurt if you leave but he will get over it. You deserve to be happy don’t you?”

Oh the excuses will come pouring and of course we will not dissuade you from thinking in this way. We will say and do whatever is needed to get what we want. Charming you and painting your spouse as evil, awful and selfish.

The simple fact is that all people are targets. Married targets are often even better targets.


27 thoughts on “The Married Target

  1. WriteItOut says:

    Very interesting and describes so much that we’ve experienced with the narcissist who set her sights on my husband. I’ve been the evil bitch controlling wife ever since he ended the affair, I’m sure that I was the same to her before but I was an unknown entity until discovery.

    Her narcissistic rage when my husband didn’t respond to her parading a new man in front of his face a week after he went no contact prompted her to show up at a very public venue he was working at the next day, and when he wouldn’t be alone with her (“Let’s go sit in the car”, LOL) she escalated to telling him about the night she spent in bed with the guy. That encounter escalated more every time he didn’t produce the desired response, and ended with her yelling at him that he’d leave me for a woman, he’s gay, he wants to have sex with men…she was ludicrous in her attempt to publicly slander him. She made a fool of herself but I believe that she seriously couldn’t help it because she came thinking he would fuel her with displays of jealousy and wanting to see her, and he did the opposite. He wounded her deeply and she continued to escalate.

    Someone else wrote in a comment that being nice to or feeling sorry for the narcissist is foolishness…I’m paraphrasing but that’s the gist. That they deserve to get back what they’re giving since they’re on a mission to destroy you. I agree. I actually had some bit of empathy for her, since she had been in a relationship with someone and even though it was my husband, I could understand the pain of having that end abruptly. I quickly discarded that notion because she would use any contact with me to either tell me how he didn’t love me the way he loved her (passionately! insanely! he doesn’t love you like that!), and when that didn’t produce the desired result of me dissolving into a puddle of tears and/or throwing him out, to tell me that she didn’t want him anyway because he was bisexual and would leave me for a man one day. She was so bizarre and transparent in her attempts to mortally wound me and find “the thing” that would make me divorce him. As you wrote above, HG, there was no understanding that in our 20 years of being together, what we’ve built was strong enough to withstand an affair, and even an aftermath of years of narcissistic rage manifesting itself in covert and overt ways to this day.

  2. EmP says:

    I am sure my first narcissist had an affair with a married woman when we were together.

    He was babysitting her children to make some pocket money. You could tell from a mile away that this lady had a crush on him. She was older and motherly. Clearly an empath.

    He even told me that the ‘friendship’ between the two of them had caused friction within the marriage.

    The poor husband, always away on business and leaving his wife around a tall, dark and handsome foreigner in his 20s.

    He should have known better.

    And so should I. That relationship screwed me up big time. But, on the bright side, it is the reason I speak English – and that has opened a lot of doors for me.

    So I got something in return at least.

    1. narc affair says:

      Hi emp….what you said about what your narc said about his presence causing friction in the marriage im sure was fuel to him. I sense my narc feels smug for similiar reasons. They feel powerful in being the “other man/woman” but theres no power in that. The only power comes from the reason why she had a crush on your narc and my hunch is something was missing in the marriage. It couldve been some other narc she was drawn to bc she has a void. It didnt make him special or all so powerful. Narcs are like scavengers they find weakness and prey on that. They prey on the already wounded feeding off their damaged carcasses.
      Married people are such a great target for this reason when theres issues within the marriage they sense it and swoop in for the kill. Scavengers.

      1. EmP says:

        Hi narc affair,

        She was VERY alone. She had moved to my home town for work-related reasons, the husband was always away on business and one of her two children was disabled.

        The narcissist provided company, attention and excitement (including sex I am sure).

        And her children adored him.

      2. Twilight says:

        Narc Affair

        I can not wrap my head around having an affair. It isn’t like I didn’t have men hitting on me and I sure as hell had reasons to do such, yet I can’t. It makes me feel sick. I am speaking only for myself and hold no judgment towards those that have. I just don’t understand how someone will have an affair. Exit the relationship and start a new one, why hurt another. In some cases I do understand when married to a narcissist yet even then I couldn’t have an affair.
        I am single for a reason, not that says I am with anyone. I feel free at the moment and I don’t want anyone to take that from me.

        So yes I don’t understand the why be in a relationship if one will stray. Be single and free to chose whom you wish to be with a night or two or more.

        My point is a commitment was made, if you can’t uphold it then be single free of this commitment.

        Please don’t think I am judging, I really can not grasp this. Not when it comes to empaths, narcissistic trait or not. I just can not grasp it.

      3. narc affair says:

        Hi twilight… i dont expect you to understand. Its very complicated. I struggle with it myself. I never thought id be the type to stray but i have. Its been a long process that lead up to that point. For many years i was faithful but that being said i can see where the problems started from almost the beginning. I wont defend having an affair bc its wrong but i also am no longer beating myself over it bc i can see where and why it lead up to this. Its not out of boredom or not loving my hubby bc i love him very deeply but am not in love with him and again there are reasons behind this.
        I feel a lot of guilt and anxiety over the way my life is and then throw in narcissism and its over the roof.
        Im in therapy right now working on all of this. Alot of it actually goes back to not only the marriage but my childhood. Its all interwoven.

        1. Twilight says:

          Hello Narc Affair

          Thank you for your reply
          It was a choice you made, nothing more. Yet I am glad to read you are working on finding the reasons you chose to go that path.

          I know why I can not, the moment my partner would find out either the fury or hurt would affect me. I just can not grasp why other empaths can do this, I believe it has something to do with the individuals level of emotional contingency.

      4. narc affair says:

        A couple weeks ago my therapist had brought up the idea of journaling. I used to journal but i find it more helpful to post on here and read comments then reflect on my own.
        I had mentioned HG and narc site and she had said as part of our sessions she may pop on and read HG’s work along with some of my posts. I told her who i am. I was a bit hesitant to mention my posting here but ive been very open in our sessions which ive felt has lifted a tremendous weight off my shoulders.
        Im not sure if she will post but she did say she would be checking the site out!

        1. NarcAngel says:

          Narc Affair

          Haha. You mean youre using us to do your homework for you?!!

      5. narc affair says:

        Hi twilight….my choice isnt a reflection of my empathy. I feel very much empathetic towards not only others but my husband as well but there are factors youre not aware of that lead to my choice so its important to keep that in mind. Its easy to jump to conclusions when you think of someone having an affair. It doesnt make someone more empathetic bc theyve not had an affair.
        I can see where people would think this but its not the case or at least not in my situation. My choice was not bc i dont care about my husbands feelings lets just leave it at that.

        1. Twilight says:

          Narc Affair

          I didn’t say you didn’t feel empathetic towards your husband or others.

          You made a choice for yourself, based on what you believe you needed. Finding the reason why you believed you needed to do this is an answer only you can discover.

          IMO the higher the emotional contingency the less likely an affair will happen, this doesn’t make this person better then another only that they will make a choice that is best for themselves. Nothing more nothing less.

  3. narc affair says:


  4. Mark says:

    Thank you for the answer.If it is true,it is bad.No wonder the world is not better..I read about narcissism and i do not understand a lot of things.Twisted logic.If you think you are better,why are you jealous?So much?Why someone is jealous of sheep?Do you think that the lack of emotions is physical defect?Thanks in advance

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Therein lies one of the many contradictions of our kind, but the narcissism prevents recognition of this in most of our kind.

      1. Mark says:

        Thank you Mr.HG Tudor for open mind and this unique and helpful blog.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome, Mark.

  5. BurntKrispyKeen says:

    Is the narcissist typically jealous of the married victim’s spouse?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Envious, yes but also contemptuous.

    2. narc affair says:

      My narc has zero jealousy of my hubby bc it serves him well to have me married. Hes a committment phobe and would rather be with women he cant have. I know for a fact he has no jealousy over my hubby whatsoever unless it interferes with his life in some way.

  6. MB says:

    Married targets. “HG Wants to Know Poll” around the subject? From what I’ve read, it applies to many readers/participants of the blog.

  7. Mark says:

    Mr.HG Tudor, not related topic..officially there you 1% of the population..What is your opinion? Thanks

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Do you mean that narcissists are 1% of the population?

      1. Mark says:

        Probably wrong information..rephrase the your opinion,in percent,how many people are without any empathy?(narc,psycho,etc.) Thanks

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you for clarifying. There is not reliable statistical information so I operate on anecdotal experience and therefore 15-20%

    2. narc affair says:

      Even tho the diagnosed narc population is low there are a lot of people that are highly narcissistic.

      1. HG Tudor says:


      2. narc affair says:

        I do wonder out of the commenters here how many were involved with actual natcissists vs highly narcissistic. When ut boils down to it i dont think it matters bc its the abusive ways that are the issue. A highly narcissistic individual can adopt the same tactics as a narc but maybe not to the same degree. An individual doesnt have to be a full fledge narc to be abusive.

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Previous article

The Expectation of Recognition