There comes a time when this must happen to everybody who has been ensnared by us. There is no hope for anything different. In the way that the world keeps on turning and the planets waltz around the sun, we will always cast you to one side. Of the many cruelties which we exact against you, this ranks as one of the worst. You might think that it is a blessing that the daily machinations and manipulations have ended but you will not see it that way when you are dis-engaged from. Indeed, you may not ever realise it.

You are given no warning that you are about to be dis-engaged, although if you know to look for them, there are actually signs that point to what is about to happen. Invariably you are unable to see them because you cannot see or think clearly for the maelstrom that continues to rage around you. There are times when the dis-engagement takes place that it is almost as if we have vanished into thin air. Yesterday we met you for lunch as normal and today you have no idea where we are. You have telephoned but our number is no longer in service. You call our work but you are told that we are unavailable as our assigned gatekeeper keeps you at bay. You wait around trying to catch a glimpse of us in order to speak with us and find out what is going on. You see hide nor hair of us and rather than be angry you are worried and concerned both for us and our relationship, or at least what was once our relationship. This form of the dis-engagement is swift and brutal. Here yesterday and gone today. We put in place a ring of steel which we will not allow you to penetrate. When this form of dis–engagement has been effected you are actually receiving a double whammy of discard and an absent silent treatment. This is designed to reinforce like a hammer blow that you are no longer of any use to us. We do not want to see you, we do not want to hear from you and we do not want to read your e-mails, messages and texts. At least not yet. This form of dis-engagement arises because we have already replaced you. We have found a new primary source of fuel and he or she is a thousand times better than you. We have brought down the shutters, raised the drawbridge and built our castle walls thick and high as we now sit in the throne room with our new, wonderful and perfect primary source by our side. You have been struck from the record, deleted and erased.

We do not want you distracting us from this most precious person that we have found. The truth is that the memory of us being linked to you irritates and infuriates us. We thought that you were the one who would supply us with positive fuel always. Despite the other failures that had gone before you, you showed such promise and we gave you everything in order to seduce you. Now you are placed on the appliance pile, rejected and broken, of no current use to us. You let us down and we bristle at the thought that we even considered you might be of use to us. Your failure and the fact we chose you means that we feel criticised and the ignition of our fury results in a cold fury that creates this icy hinterland that we place between you and us. We want nothing more to do with you.

Until we decide of course it is time to hoover you.

This sudden and unexplained cessation of the relationship is only temporary. We will look to reinstate it at some point in order to extract hoover fuel from you, but you do not know this. All you know is that we were once there and no we are no longer and it hurts. Your soul has been wrenched from within you. It does not matter how badly we hurt you, you still wanted that golden period and our sudden departure has denied that from ever happening again, or at least that is what you are led to believe. Your pain is absolute, combined with the confusion and bewilderment.

Another way in which we cast you to one side is akin to being repeatedly dunked in a barrel of icy water. Each time your dunking lasts a little longer and you fear you cannot hold your breath any longer and this time this is it, you are on your way out, only for us to haul you out and that sweet and precious air fills your lungs, if only for an instance before you are thrust back into the water. During that interlude, as the water cleared from your eyes and you gulped great lungfuls of air you saw someone else stood by our side, watching you with a look of curiosity on their face. This is your replacement but we have not yet decided that they are to replace you as we are giving you the chance to prove yourself and provide some further fuel before we push you away and leave you spluttering and gasping on the ground beside the barrel. We never finish you off. That would be pointless.

We always need to come back, not that you will realise that as you lie panting and shaking on the ground, cold and soaked, watching as we stroll away, our arm around the new prospect. This steady and controlled discard takes place as we lose interest in you but we have no desire to make our departure sudden and swift. We want to hedge our bets as we firm up our arrangements with your replacement, fine-tuning that seduction as we continue to extract fuel from you through this dunking. We push and pull, toying with your emotions.

This is not part of the devaluation even though we exhibit a similar behaviour during that time when we denigrate you and then grant respite. No, this is different. When this is undertaken in an accelerated fashion then you know that it is a form of dis-engagement. We may give you a week of hell and then several weeks of the golden period before hell again. That is the push and pull of devaluation. When this technique is applied as discard it is disorientating as one day is fine and the next is not and then fine again. You feel like you are being figuratively bludgeoned and as you try and get your bearings you stagger across the boxing ring away from us only to meet another opponent who continues the beating and then sends you on your way to the next one.

These are just two forms of the way we will dis-engagement you. Why do we do it? As ever it is all about fuel. With the first it is because we have new and brilliant fuel and no longer wish to be reminded about your faltering and weak fuel. In the second we have not yet confirmed that the new source is as potent as we require and in the meanwhile we decide to continue to extract further fuel from you as your severance from us takes place in typical salami-slicing fashion. In every entanglement with our kind you will eventually be dis-engaged. You won’t see it coming but it is always in the post, coming along the highway, wending its way towards you.

Don’t be too concerned though. No dis-engagement is for ever. We always come back for more.

17 thoughts on “Jettison

  1. Jess says:

    Dear HG, you write that ‘there comes a time when this must happen’, while in answer to a question I posted ‘is disengagement inevitable’ you responded that only devaluation is and not disengagement. Am a little confused by this. Could you please clarify?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      When there is a disengagement trigger then that is the time when this must happen.

      1. Jess says:

        Thank you! From your extremely insightful articles and very apt observations about N’s behaviour and tactics, I would assume that once devaluation kicks in, it is highly likely to trigger disengagement down the line. Just a matter of time, correct?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No. Devaluation does not cause disengagement, other factors do. Please see the article about Disengagement Triggers, it is all in there.

  2. Agnes says:

    HG, I would like to ask you one thing.

    He discarded me and soon after started hoovering once a week. These were arrogant messages in the begining but because I was giving him as neautral answears as I could, he switched to more and more benign hoovers. At that point I thought it would be a great opportunity to block him. I thought it would wound him more if I rejected his kind hoovers after months of giving him hope that maybe I still buy his BS.

    So when I suddenly blocked him i felt very powerful, I was in control again, the fact I ignored his “seduction” really gave me some potent fuel haha.

    But a day afrer when he noticed I blocked him, he blocked me back and never tried to contact me again. It was 3 months ago.

    During these 3 months he focused on other targets, now he is devaluing his new (primary?) source.

    Still I am happy with my decision, it gave me freedom.

    But here is my question. You narcs always come back, always believe there must be some fuel waiting for you (if there is the trigger and execution criteria are met).

    So if he really liked to hoover me for months why he blocked me back and rised my hoover bar? I know I blocked him. But he could act like he didn’t notice it and leave the door open “hoping” that one day I would unblock him so he could hoover me once again if he was in fuel need.

    But now he knows I couldn’t unblock him even if I wanted – my pride wouldn’t let me do it since he blocked me back. So is it his conscious decision that on his side the game is over?

    1. Morning sun says:

      I have to wonder – how did you know he blocked you? That means you broke NC and that you still obsess over what he thinks, does, intends….

      Also, why do you care? If he comes back into your life, deal with him then.

  3. Marie says:

    HG has your mom ever disengaged from you? If so, what did she do? I am curious about the dynamic between narcissistic parents and children.

    1. HG Tudor says:


  4. shawn says:


    Thank you. You are uncovering such malicious intentions of your kind and every word rings true!

    The mid-range that I have finally broke free of and is no longer taken by the facades rings my phone five, six times a day. When I finally do decide to answer or call him back, like your kind is, predictable; he starts up with sexual talk and then on to sending video text messages of x-rated porn.

    Dealing with your kind is like that Tom cruise movie “Live Die Repeat.”

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Good point.

  5. Em says:

    Awesome description

  6. Mary says:

    I am having a particularly horrible day. It has now been seven weeks of NO CONTACT, and I just can’t shake this feeling of DOOM today. Will someone please talk me off of the ledge? LOL I want to send an email and, well, we all know that is a very bad idea!!

    1. /iroll says:

      Benzos, cute animal clips, hot yoga, a run, a swim, a good friend, comfy tracksuit, a pedicure, a new haircut /outfit? Be good to yourself

      1. Mary says:

        Got to get me some Benzos! Feel better today. Working in my garden. Lovely day! It’s strange how those bad days sneak up on you. Thanks, IROLL

    2. MB says:

      Did you send the email? It will make you feel better in the short term for sure. (Better than benzos) But then you have to start all over again. Seven weeks is awesome. Way to go! I know that feeling of doom very well, but I hope you were able to resist. You’re between a rock and a hard place. No matter what you do, it hurts!

    3. Quasi says:

      Hi Mary,

      I know this may be late, I’m hoping your off the ledge… as it were.
      But if you feel like that again, like you want to email or similar. Try writing out a balance sheet. By this I mean a pros/ cons list, big line down the middle. It may sound silly but I promise it’s worth a try.

      Sometimes getting the thoughts out of our heads, helps rational mind get a more substantial grip on decision making. The question would be – what would I gain from emailing him?
      I would imagine that the cons list would be larger then the pros, and the pros list would be reasons relating to “the fake mask” of a person, who can’t feel what you do.

      I also totally agree with iroll, be kind / good to yourself.
      I hope the days start to feel better for you, I’m sure that they will, as the weeks go by.

    4. Bubbles 🍾 says:

      Dear Mary,
      Congrats on 7 weeks… keep the numbers rising lovely one.
      Why on earth would you want to send an email to the narcissist? If you do ……there will most definitely be DOOM and gloom!
      Bad idea … yes it is…. very bad idea
      Have a wine 🍷, bubbles 🍾, wash your hair 👩🏼, go out for a coffee a ☕️, go to the movies , a walk, the gym, give yourself a manny or peddy 💅🏻 or treat yourself to chocolate 🍫 Or go shopping 👛👠👗..not necessarily in that order … haha
      Now put your feet up and forget themanipulating lying bastard 😈……😂
      Luv Bubbles 😘Xx
      Luv Bubbles xx 😘

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