The Fear

 

THE FEAR

 

Fear comes in many forms. It has the capacity to cause dread, anxiety and nervousness. Fear is one of the most powerful tools that exists to facilitate control over somebody. Think back to when you were a small child and the things that frightened you. Many of them have a universal applicability. How many times did you cry out to your mother and father in the night because you were frightened of the “monsters under the bed” and you were terrified that once the bedroom door was closed that something would come creeping out of the wardrobe and induce utter fear throughout you? Perhaps it was the strange shapes that formed once the light was turned off with only moonlight streaming through the crack in the curtains so that the shadow thrown across the room appeared like some old crone waiting to come and take you away and eat you. How many times were you warned as a child never to speak to strangers, never to get into a car with somebody you did not know and never to accept sweets from a stranger? Do you recall how this conjured up images of smelly old men in stained raincoats who waited to abduct you and spirit you away to be locked up who knows where? Perhaps there was that house on your walk back from school which had attracted a certain reputation. It was run-down, the garden overgrown, with bushes spilling onto the path, the windows grimy and paint peeling. You were never sure whether anybody actually lived there. Some said that a witch resided there and she waited for children passing on their own before grabbing them and stuffing them in her cellar to starve to death. Others told tales on stormy afternoons which made the hairs on the back of your neck stand up, about the spirits that haunted the old house. A friend would swear that he had walked past, one wet and windy evening, just as it was going dark and he saw the face of a ghostly child staring at him from an upstairs window, the child’s spectral hands knocking against the window as if requesting help. After hearing that tale you took a different route home from school so you did not have to pass this particular house anymore. If that was not possible, you would run past, head down, shouting at the top of your voice to drown out any strange sounds that might come from the trapped ghost child, as you dared not even look towards the house. Fear often stalked your childhood and resulted in sleepless nights, nightmares and a reluctance to go to bed. Do you remember being sent to bed and staring up the stairs towards the darkness wondering what was waiting for you? How you did not want to appear scared in front of your parents (especially since they had let you stay up a while longer because you were a “big boy/girl” now). You wanted to hand those words back as you hovered at the base of the stairs, the hallway colder than the living room from which you had ventured. How many times did the noise of the house settling, resulting in strange groans and creaks convince you that somebody was waiting out of sight in a doorway, their heavy booted foot resting on the squeaky floorboard, rusty axe clutched in greasy, long-nailed fingers?  Did the sight of a clown have you running to hide in the folds of your mother’s dress, that strange leering and accentuated mouth creating panic in your tiny mind? What did that eerie clown have in mind for you?

It might have been a reluctance to paddle barefooted in the sea or a river because you could not see where you were putting your feet. You felt something brush your foot, most likely seaweed, but in your mind some razor-toothed fish was about to take a bite from your ankle or a crab was about to affix a pincer to your big toe. You turned and ran hollering from the edge of the sea back to the safety of the sandy beach. There may have been a murderer’s alleyway in your town, a badly-lit passageway between two roads which was a convenient and easy short cut during the day but a night the purported preserve of lurking knife merchants and yellow-toothed stranglers who were just waiting to pounce and take your life. You stood staring down the alleyway trying to drive the rising fear from you but it just would not go and instead you opted to walk the long way around. It took twenty extra minutes but at least you got home safely.

Fear continued to stalk your life as you grew older. You might not be worried about the bogeyman anymore but he has shapeshifted into the fear that comes with finding a lump about your body and not knowing what it is. Uncertainty about the business for whom you work has you tossing and turning at night. Wondering where the next pay check will come from has you similarly fearing for the future. Walking alone along a road at night and hearing footsteps behind you still causes your heart rate to increase. A glance over your shoulder as you cross the road to the over pavement only serves to heighten your worry as a hooded figure also crosses the road. Your step quickens as your fear increases and your mind floods with images of robbery, rape or murder. When alone in the house at night the sound of a bang from downstairs has you sat bolt upright in bed. What was that noise? Did you dream it? Was it somebody breaking in? Was it something not of this world, a poltergeist perhaps hurling a book against a wall. You cannot see what caused the noise and immediately the fear forms in the pit of your stomach, your racing mind conjuring up a score of unpleasant scenarios as you debate creeping to the top of the stairs and peering down to see if you can ascertain what it was.

Fear takes hold of you and makes your reasoning faulty. It tightens around your throat stopping you from calling out and turns your legs into stone so you are figuratively petrified and unable to escape that unseen tormentor. Fear withers you, paralyses you and you will do anything at all to escape that sensation of fear. It is pervasive, damaging and controlling.

Your greatest fears always stem from the unknown. It is that which you cannot see which causes you the greatest terror. When you cannot see something you are plunged into fear, its icy grip takes hold and you crumble. The unknown and the unseen create the fear. That is why we are so devastatingly effective in our control of you. That is why we create such numbing fear in you.

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39 thoughts on “The Fear”

  1. For me the only fear was thinking i had found the most beautiful relationship then realising it wasn’t and so the fear was facing the void of being back to where I had been before, but after that wonderful golden period, the place before was now multiplied a million times in its painfulness emptiness and lonliness.
    The fear of facing it was too hard and I broke having to face the acceptance but I knew I had no choice. It was fear because to me it was true love. That’s the only difference with us and the narc, truth and lies, but we both face the fear of the emptiness. We empaths live with the pain but with hope as we deal with it, learn from it and search for solutions to heal we will find true happiness.
    The narc just reaches for another source without feeling the pain but with no hope of lasting peace and happiness and knows the end will be terrible eventually. To always invest into the bank of evil will one day mean you will meet that horrific end.
    I pray that one day the greater narcs, that have a choice, can find the strength to face the pain, emptiness and suffering as empaths do. We are the same deep down, our struggles stemming from childhood. The super intelligence of the greater narc can do it! they can reprogram to take the pain and heal it as we do, they just need that immense strength and support to cross over. There are so many of us would be honoured to help them in this U turn.
    What a best seller that book could be, the experiences of the change from narc to empath. If only that true noble, non fiction, fabulous account, could be written by such an amazing courageous person.
    For a narc this would be the ultimate, harrowing incredibly phenomenally brave act, they could ever do. Particularly as narcs have the irresistible urge to constantly lye, it would also make the challenge so hard to be truthful. It would be so tough for them to maintain that integrity, especially as they know we cannot see their thoughts and know if they lye. But empaths can trust and have faith so will choose to believe, especially as we know the all seeing all knowing universe knows the truth and rewards will only come from honestly. love you all xx

  2. But don’t Narcs live in fear always too? that is why they do what they do?? If only they could find a way to change their projection of fear and all the evil they transmit from it into something loving and healing so all our fears, narc/empath, could universally be eradicated and replaced with peace and love for all. I will never stop hoping that we can heal them. There is evil for sure I have my self experienced a poltergeist and I saw an evil spirit in my narc, but I also know there are always opposite poles and therefore there is also truly the divine.
    Our greater narcs have the ability to help with the healing of narcissism but first they must turn away from the evil and find the divine. Maybe as this scourge in our society becomes more understood we can as a society look for these traits in children and start treatment early but ultimately it must come from love and wanting to turn from evil.
    Start with nature. I suppose the beauty of nature never resonates with a narc as they are too preoccupied with their fuel needs but maybe when in need of fuel they could sit and meditate in a beautiful spot and look at the beauty in front of them and realise that their soul can be healed if they can only be strong, take the challenge and believe.
    They can start by one day doing one thing anonymously, so no boost to their ego, that is kind, that helps others, that the narc gets no accolade for but can see the difference and joy it brings. That will start the new source of fuel of unconditional love that is the truth of universal love, We are all spiritually one and have to seek this within .
    Here is a thought, maybe we empaths have been narcs in a past life and we have returned to learn the lessons of our evil.
    If true HG do the change in one lifetime, show just how great you can be, show the world how you can have the strength to change who you are. Turn from evil and find the beauty of the peace love and joy of the divine universal energy. Find the fuel from thinking outside of your needs and do amazing things sometimes that give you no fuel, that way the grace will slowly enter you. I know your part way there as your doing an amazing job atm helping us, as I know the fuel you get from this is low grade and benefits us more than you and is your first experience of selflessness. Grow and expand on this HG because there is universal energy behind this, this was meant to happen,* your at a cross roads I hope you have the ability to take the best and toughest path I know you can do it. lots of love xxx

  3. Twilight – this is such a simple, yet an amazing statement.

    I realized this is it. For me, anyway. My experience with Narcs forced me to face, head on, some of my worst fears. And while at times I may still fall victim (in my own head) to these fears – I have come to understand that the confronting and resolving of personal fears is partly what started me on my road to freedom from my narcs. It seems so simplistic to say this but if you can ‘deflate’ or starve some of emotion out of your worst, terrifying fears – you take away the narcissist’s power to play on those fears.
    This has nothing to do with the narcissist – they are just super duper attuned to figuring out your areas of weakness and use those to your disadvantage.

    Even the simplest fear of:
    “What will people think?”…
    that fear of judgement, that one surely can string a person up (and in entanglement) for years. (Especially, when it comes to emotional blackmail.)

  4. Dear Ladies,
    I could relate to all your comments, thank you lovelies.
    Does this mean fear and empaths go hand in hand? Emotional thinking AGAIN !!!!!
    Is it part genetic, or was it manufactured by our childhood…. as with narcissists? Fear produces anxiety …. no wonder we end up with C-ptsd when we encounter narcissists. I gave my son a name my mum liked (we also liked it) so she would like and accept him purely out of fear and seeking her approval. How sad is that? She hates males and I wanted her to love our son …. didn’t work!

    My dad tried to kidnap me when I was younger (as my parents were seperated). The weasel stalked me (used to drive past our house deliberately) and also when I was out shopping ….. surprise … there he was ! I thought it was just coincidental …. wrong
    After finding Mr Tudor and trying to absorb all his information….I think I’ll be here forever … sorry Mr Tudor until one of us dies first ….haha

    I’m a lot better now, however I still feel fear when I go out mainly because I hate people, I stay away from them as much as possible and I don’t trust anyone anymore. Yes, I still lookout for the weasel just to be en garde
    Mr Bubbles and my immediate family are my only concern now …. I just don’t care about the rest anymore!
    I luv your lifestyle Windstorm…. living alone in the woods …. perfect
    Thank you again lovelies
    Luv Bubbles xx

  5. Has anyone else been stalked before? When you have, you think someone is watching you all the time…. I still have this constant fear…..you become hypervigilant and you literally do not trust anyone! Because anyone could be them especially when you don’t know who your stalker is…..
    I was wrote letters and told he saw me as he drove past and he regularly sees me a couple of times a week….he has an important job but couldn’t reveal many details to me and these were like love letters, saying how he felt I was like a wild and rare orchid, telling me all these lovely but soppy things, and saying he would love to be with me….. he wrote all in capitals…. the paper was different each time. He gave me coloured squares to put up on my bedroom window, each colour meant something….
    Yet I never knew or found out who it was…..
    Red meant stop communication
    Yellow meant keep the letters going but don’t want to meet
    Blue meant something else (I can’t remember)
    Green meant “go” as in green light

    1. That sounds crazy to have to deal with!
      My ex and I live in Hawaii.
      I knew it I stayed, thing would be the same, and everyday. If I went back the abuse would pick up where it left off, only to get progressive with the abuse. We weren’t made for this kind of life , and the struggle is all too real dealing with narcs.
      This is why I hopped a plane and moved to a different island. I read HG’s books, I’m always on this site. It keeps me from going back to things I, (we), don’t deserve.

    2. I have never been stalked by a stranger but when I left my ex I saw him everywhere. I had to get a restraining order. Then I moved an hour away and I live in a gated community that is guarded with security. You have to be on a list of approved names and show ID in order to come through the gate. I finally felt safe.

    3. Hi Michelle. I too have been stalked. The longest was 2 years. I finally got over the fear. Then it happened again. And again. Luckily those times didn’t last as long as the 2 year one. Its so creepy. I could have been rich and famous but the fear of being stalked has kept me from pursuing it. It never was an aspiration really anyway so easy to walk away. It’s hard to describe isn’t it? Always feeling paranoid and knowing your paranoia isn’t unwarranted.

  6. Dearest Hg,

    I find the French term for “murderer’s alleyway” particularly evocative – in your multilingual skills – Do you know this term?

    I agree the unknown & unseen cause fear.. and I would add – that which we don’t understand – fear of my narc bc i didn’t understand his behaviour was precisely what brought me to you, seeking a consultation so I could understand & somewhat predict his behaviour.

    Thank you for relieving me of my fear, through your knowledge & understanding.

      1. C’est un coupe-gorge. – a cutthroat.

        It also used to mean where things were rigged.. like in cards:
        “Maison de jeu où l’on trompe, où l’on perd beaucoup d’argent.”

        Somehow.. it seems like a term you should definitely possess in your impressive vocabulary…

      2. Nuit étoilée
        We certainly have the term “cutthroat” and it’s used in many different situations like you have described.

      3. Oh yes, of course, Windstorm, I was referring to adding the French term – coupe-gorge. I have a fondness for words from other languages – and know Hg speaks several, so I was curious.

  7. So true.
    I still look over my shoulders when I’m out , thinking it’s him, or some friend of his siding up to me seeking information. It unnerves me to the core, never knowing who I can trust. It’s hard because yes, there are real monsters out there.

  8. Dear Mr Tudor,
    Bloody hell, I was scared just reading this amazing piece. You just described my childhood, Mr Tudor. I had it all, the near drownings in the sea (trying to yell but nothing came out as my throat felt paralized) things brushing against my leg (one was the pillar of the jetty scraping my leg and I was bleeding thinking there would be a shark any minute), monsters under the bed, someone literally “outside” our bedroom at night rattling the French door handles. The bogeyman, who did in fact take me, the little ol lady with a mole who looked like a witch lived next door. The footsteps I heard walking behind me thinking I was going to be attacked and murdered. When I hear noises at night or the sensor light comes on, I leap out of bed or push Mr Bubbles out to investigate.
    Even now, when Mr Bubbles quietly walks in the room and just appears …. scares the bejeezes out of me!
    Clowns ….. I hate them (don’t like monkeys either) or scarey movies.
    This article had my hairs standing … another great piece of writing, faultless. When’s your best thriller going to be released? Hehe
    Is this article based on your childhood fear experiences Mr Tudor?
    Thank you “oh scarey one ” … hehe

    1. Ps … the irony of all this is ….. I have a magnificently beautiful collection of Italian Carnevale masks adorning my walls …. what the ??? I know right, I don’t get it either ….(bought my first one in Italy at 25years, that started me off) … there’s something seriously wrong with me 😱 Haha
      🎭

  9. False
    Evidence
    Appearing
    Real

    ET starts you down active imagination road only to cross over anxiety bridge to enter panic attack village, only to leave with a suitcase full of ptsd.

      1. Hi Bubbles 🍾

        Thank you, yet this was told to me durning a time i was having issues with separating what I was feeling from what I was absorbing from others.

        I just added the second part, Words that ran through my mind at that particular moment.

    1. Along with a souvenir of unease. That’s a trip I am going to skip. Nice acrostic BTW, Twilight.

      1. K

        Souvenir of unease….great add to my writing of words. Hope you don’t mind if I add it to it.
        Yet it is how I feel many have been in their entanglements, if that makes sense.

      2. Twilight
        I liked what you wrote and it makes perfect sense to me and by all means, “Souvenir of unease” is all yours to use as you please. Take credit for it, too, I don’t mind at all. Character traits!

  10. Interestingly enough, just the other day I heard a great saying….We do not really fear what is out there but rather we fear what is within. Isnt that the truth for a codependent empath?!

    1. Yes, fear can be reproduced within, regardless of what is happening now, it can be a response to what has happened before re-playing itself, living through our self-image and perceptions of the world. We also internalise the Big Social Other – the moral rules and conduct for behaviour that becomes entwined in emotionally imprinted experience. Hence, the shame following the shock of doing something ‘wrong’ can either be integrated into a positive self, “it’s OK to make mistakes, accidents happen, this is how we learn” – or integrated into a negative self “you did something wrong, you’re to blame for ruining Christmas and are therefore worthless”.

      But there is no big brother watching you, from the inside, no god that can give us certainty, we’re always interpreting social values and our sense of self. Awareness comes from learning to understand what subtle selections we are making in our moment to moment interpretations of reality, what has influenced us, what we know and value – and why. Are we afraid of the unknown? Meh… we’re afraid of being punished for being wrong, being fools, unattractive, failure, unworthy, unloveable, a fraud, alone. Social rejection can also have life or death consequences, so there’s a real biological instinct to the need to belong.

      We’re also afraid of more life threatening events like death and torture.. not to mention ‘phobias’ – but that’s not the everyday pervasive fear that comes from shame. So what the saying “we’re afraid of what’s inside us” – really means, is that the self within is *not* really enough, we don’t deserve to exist as our true selves. We need a mirror to exist and to conform to the desired reflections. This is where insecurity begins.

    2. Insecurity… but it’s also where fantasy begins, because we can never put all of ourselves, thoughts, feelings, desires, etc. into life – and certainly not in every moment.

      So, “fear of the unknown” here comes from a self-defence mechanism: where the boundaries between fantasy and reality become a kind of liability:
      – because you fear firstly, the vulnerable exposure of possibly failing to conform to standards
      – but you also need the fantasies that belong to a pre-constructed reality to construct an identity, because your self-esteem relies on external reflections that support group belonging and status. So anything different is processed as a threat, rather than being integrated as new but valid information.

      But this is also egocentric shame. It creates common narcissistic social belonging where others are rejected – rather than allowing otherness to expand reality, in all its interesting and challenging diversity. Otherness prevents the status quo from solidifying social hierarchies too much, when social life is more fluid we have more flexible ways to process shame and express ourselves. This is in common interest, but goes against the interest of power monopolies.

      If we learn anything from predatory behaviour, is that it sneaks in through the familiar more than through oddness. We stigmatise difference and reward the predators who can hide in plain sight, who even take on positions of authority or offer us what we most desire, in our fantasies.

      There’s a film now called Safe – which plays on this concept, our fear of the unfamiliar, our need to control ourselves and other people, makes us blind to the threat we are creating within. Hostile narcissism.

      Not fear of the unknown, fear of difference, which itself creates a kind of social monster.

  11. Fear has always been the bane of my existence. I have been afraid of almost everything all my life. Fear and dread, they go hand in hand. It would be interesting if I could calculate just what percentage of my life I have spent in fear and dread of things that never ended up even happening or at least never happening like I had feared. The only plus side to this is that I am almost always only pleasantly surprised.

  12. Very true. Fear of the unknown is scary.

    I am a very shy introverted person. I struggled with an intense fear of rejection. Sometimes the thought of rejection is so intense that it will stop me from posting on social media. I fear that someone may not like my post or maybe I will offend someone or someone will say things that hurt my feelings. Or worst they may actually try talking to me. And then I might say the wrong thing and be rejected later. So most of the time I won’t post. Same goes for meeting people in my personal life.

    Sometimes it’s just that negative voice pumping fear in my head. The battle in my head goes like this.

    The negative voice in my head says, 🤬nv: Nobody cares.
    See I told you nobody likes you.
    You’re not important.
    Nobody will miss you.
    What are you going to do about it. You can’t do shit. You’re a fuck up. See if you would just listen to me. There will always be someone prettier, smarter and younger.
    Why try you will only fail. You’ll never be good enough.
    They only pretend to like you.
    There not your real friends.
    If you open up and they get to close they will reject you.
    If they know the truth about you they will never accept you. Just keep your mouth shut. Women are to be seen not heard. Just sit there and look pretty. There is no reason to bring up the past. Go ahead post it but nobody will like your post, nobody will comment. They will just ignore you go ahead try it you’ll see.

    😇The positive voice:
    Don’t listen to that. You are very beautiful and smart. You’re friendly and caring. You have a great sense of humor. Everyone makes mistakes. You have learned from it. You’re a better person. You always do your best. You’re reliable. People count on you. You are smart. You are worthy. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You can do this. Don’t give up. Your voice and opinions matter. You make a difference.

    Real life scenario.

    👤Stranger #1: Are you ok? Your eyes look sad.
    👩me: I am fine.
    🤬nv: Liar.
    👤 s#1: Well you have a beautiful smile. It always makes my day.
    👩me: Thank you. Have a nice day.
    👩me: May I help who is next?
    🗣stranger #2: I hope so. You didn’t pay me for the hours I worked. You should be fired. You don’t deserve your job. You are incapable and worthless. Blah blah blah.
    🤬nv: Hehehe
    😇pv: Just breathe.

    Currently, I am trying not to let fear get the best of me.
    I have been trying new things. Getting out of my comfort zone and I am trying to be more social.

    1. Hi I love narcsite,

      I was so pleased when I got to read your positive internal voice narrative, little bit worried before that… I think you have done a really good job of detailing the internal battle of the two. It’s a really helpful comment, especially relating to the topic of fear, as this has such an impact on so many. I would totally advocate that you continue with what you are doing. Getting out of your comfort zone, testing the waters in something new. That is the best way to combat fear is to face it, to build positive evidence of accomplishment and your ability to cope with things you may have once thought to be impossible.

      Avoidance builds up fear, exposure to your fears in the right way, that you enter into voluntarily will help you smash down the restrictions that fear once had in place.

      Alongside your positive internal voice, treat yourself to nice things, build up your own internal value, recognise your beauty and kindness daily.

      Thank you for your comment on this article, I thought it was incredibly helpful and insightful.

    2. OMG! “I luv narcsite”….. This is exactly how it is for me…..
      I’ve kept away for fear of saying wrong things which I always do. It just comes out. My head is a mess. There is no anchor! People judge me and misunderstand me. They draw their own conclusions about me and I just let them I guess. Those that really want to know me will dig deeper….
      Omg….This is what I tell myself “you should not be heard or seen.” I hide away, dissapear…and I stay quiet….
      My safety mechanism….

    3. When I took my letters to police they said it’s someone who knows you and the family…..

      This was when I was 18….

      When I was in my early 20’s I lived with a guy for over a year, I actually went out with his millionnaire older brother first, he was rich and would take me out to posh places, but I only really felt for him as a friend, he wanted to marry me, as he loved that I was so co-dependent and he wanted to treat me like I was his princess but i didnt wanna marry him….I did not know anything about Narcs then but when I look back I know he definately was one.

      Anyway, I liked the younger one and he left his partner who he was with for 15 years to be with me. However when i left him, because there was such a control battle going on between my father and him, and I thought one was going to kill the other, that was how bad it was getting, I went back to live with my father to stop it all and now my ex was calling constantly, leaving messages, then I would go places and he would also be there. I would go out with my girlfriend’s and then he would text and say; “you looked sad tonight in so and so place”….. it used to make the hairs of my neck stand up! I was out late after clubbing, and he knew the club’s I went to, and it was like 3am in the morning and I was trying to get a taxi, and he would be there…. and I would obviously get a lift from him, and I would be like “why are you here” and he would say because he worries about me. I went to a convention and I got told from my friend’s that he was there looking for me. He was watching who I talk to etc. Who I was with.
      So yeah that was more stalking….. thinking back, he may well have been a Narc too. Who knows….
      Then my father stalked me several times…. this was also scary…..as he wanted to find out where I had gone to live as I used to run away a lot.

    4. I ❤ Narcsite,

      That is so true! And thank you for sharing that. I feel like this is an archetypal example of the internal struggle to valuing the self that a lot of us likely go through. I’ve struggled with social anxiety for a long time and am working to get out and really work on it as well.

      So I know one thing that my therapist is really drilling me on and thought I might share in case it might help you or others, is instead of just trying to “talk over” the negative voice with positive messages, letting “her” know that “I” hear her message, that I understand that she is trying to protect me and make sure that I don’t get hurt. That I have more information now, that she can relax now, because I am looking out for “all of us” and just reassure her, and it seems to help, and clear the way for the positive messages.

      That fear of acceptance…I wonder how much narcissists look for that? And without it, would any of us fall victim to them or would we see through it sooner and go find whole and healthy people to be in relationship with?

      1. I’m not sure what they look for,…. but I know im safe now and am trying to heal as best I can. I found my security and stability. Every now and then an old flame will find me again, but I know how to deal with it. I’m very suspicious and perceptive at same time.
        The ptsd and the hypervigilence, not ever being able to relax, and mind constantly analysing just goes on like a computer in the background.
        It is like my brain is always preparing itself for future injury or what to do next, and adjusting, adapting…. and it just happens naturally…. even when I’m talking to someone, and I will be listening, I can see others around me and i pick up on their facial expressions and feelings, body language etc ….
        I cannot remember not ever being like this….
        Weird huh?!

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