Why Does The Narcissist Seem So Odd?



It is accurate to state that we operate in three essential states. There are varying degrees within those states, differing levels of intensity which are affected by factors such as the type of narcissist that we are, what we require from you, the level of empathic individual you are as well as several others. Nevertheless, there are three basic states. The first, as you would expect, is the golden setting. We are at our most wonderful, most brilliant and most loving when in this state. This always appears during our seduction of you and we will reinstate it from time to time and often when we hoover you in order to suck you back in and keep you hanging on to us. The second is the dark setting when we instigate our devaluation of you. This dark setting allows us to deploy our various machinations against you, a variety of different  manipulations as the abuse begins and we make your life particularly unpleasant. This requires effort and energy on our part and whilst we will be rewarded with fuel, a certain degree of application is required to use these manipulations against you. When we unveil our dark setting it is upsetting and confusing but often you will find some reason to explain our behaviour. It is usually the wrong reason but you will find one nevertheless as you like to understand and have a reason to explain why someone is behaving in a certain way towards you – you decide we are stressed, tired, hungover, in need of affection or perhaps you are unduly harsh on yourselves so that you, in that usual empathic manner, blame yourself for the behaviour we have meted out against you. Perhaps you did not listen when you ought to have done, perhaps you should have realised that we wanted to go out tonight, or that we would not want chicken for a second time this week.

There is a third setting and this often proves more confusing than our unpleasant dark setting. This setting might be regarded as a neutral setting, somewhere between the golden and the dark, but it is not. This setting is on the road to the dark setting and is closer to that than the golden. This particular setting is the stranger setting.

There will be times when we do not wish to apply considerable energy to our continued devaluation of you, but the devaluation must continue. It may not be as harsh, since there is no shouting, no violence, no insults and such like. It is not the golden period because we show no affection, we do not do things for you and we do not exhibit any of the charm that once flowed so readily from us. During this stranger setting we are neither wonderful nor awful but we behave like someone who doesn’t really know you and you are certainly left feeling like you are dealing with somebody else.

If you telephone us we will not dole out a silent treatment and ignore your repeated calls. We will not answer in less than a ring and speak to you with affection and enthusiasm, instead we answer and engage in a monosyllabic conversation. It is like drawing teeth. We confirm that nothing is wrong and you may think there is but we have not responded angrily or harshly. We have not accused you of anything, we have not labelled you in some way but the conversation is flat. It is as if our personality, whether golden or dark has vanished and left almost an automaton in its place. We function, we talk about our day but with little detail and certainly no enthusiasm. We ask questions of you but they are polite and perfunctory as if we are just going through the motions. There is no nastiness, no backbiting or sneering. It is difficult to process because it is not nothing, that cannot be the case because we are talking to you, but it feels like nothing.

We may call around to see you but it feels like an inspector has called around. We sit, we decline a drink that you offer us and we answer your questions without offering you anything much in return. Where has the charmer gone? Where has the monster gone? Who is this stranger that looks like us, sounds like us but is not behaving like us? You cannot accuse us of being unpleasant but it feels unpleasant because you are dealing with someone you do not recognise. Any questions about what is wrong with us are politely answered and you are assured there is not a problem, but we seem lifeless. You flatter us, compliment us and whilst we accept them there is no spark of interest, there is no response.

Why are we like this? Why is this being done? Why do we seem like someone else? It is as if we have been abducted by aliens in the night and replaced with a robot which is neither wonderful nor savage but is frustratingly something else. This third setting occurs during the devaluation period. It is not a respite from devaluation as that is the golden setting once more. It is clearly not the dark setting as that is the rolling out of nastiness and abuse. This third setting is an indicator of the calm before the storm. Whilst there are occasions where we might switch from golden to dark setting in the blink of an eye, this third setting is used when we wish to conserve energy in readiness for unleashing a particular savage next stage in the devaluation as we will move to the dark setting and crank it up to eleven. You are not cruising along being driven by fair winds, nor are you being thrown up and down buffeted by a storm, instead you are becalmed or moved along by a weak breeze. This is the time we are girding our loins, gathering information and plotting. The switch of functions to the organisation and scheming of what is to come, along with the intense outpouring of energy required to sustain the vicious intensifying of this devaluation means we adopt this near automatic state. You may not ever see this happen dependent on the nature of the narcissist you have become entangled with, but when you do, you should be aware that a storm is brewing and not just any old storm but a supercell storm of savage and damaging proportions. This is a warning.



  1. MB
    I had relatives visiting from Austria recently and my younger hipper fearless cousins convinced me to do the edgewalk. Of course partly I did so out of politeness lol and also not to be teased by those half my age. OMG talk about anxiety! At first I was frozen to the spot! I thought I was going to die!! But one baby step at a time chanting ” oh god help me. OMG don’t let me slip.” But at the end…wow what an adrenolin rush!!!!!

    1. Thank you for sharing Star! Good for you, facing your fears. I haven’t talked to anybody who’s done the walk. I’m nervous, but lookin forward to it.

  2. I remember this. It’s weird and I knew it wasn’t good.

    The narcissist died recently. I was not expecting to revisit the topic of narcissism as it had been almost 5 years since going NC. I was not expecting to care as I had moved on, at least I thought I had. The news of the deaths of other previous significant others didn’t have an impact. Weird.

  3. Not the same guy … once I said to HG – would that be cool you beat the same Narc twice ? Lol !!

  4. Thanks – MB, actually that’s good to know about Exorcism.

    Re: vacation brain…I understand what you mean and figured that you would have answered Quasi had you seen the post. I don’t have vacation brain – but I don’t always have the freedom to follow all the threads, I also don’t always get all my notifications – two reasons why I choose not to comment extensively because I feel bad if someone acknowledged/replied to a post of mine and I missed it…

    1. WC
      Your empathy is showing! I’m the same way. I felt guilty for not answering Quasi. That’s why we all get along so well. Her empathy allows her to be understanding and know I wasn’t ignoring her and didn’t intend to hurt her feelings. It makes me think of the stereotypical Canadian. “I’m sorry.” “No, I’m sorry.” “No, really, I am sorry.” “No, it was my fault. I’m the one that should be sorry, not you.”

        1. I didn’t know you were Canadian WhoCares! Canadians are stereotyped to be very polite is what I was referring to.

          1. Hi MB – just to follow-up and let you know that I’m not at all offended by your comment. I am certainly able to poke fun at my own Canadian-ness. And the resulting thread below is insightful and makes me giggle – when I can really use a laugh. I’m only sorry that I have to read it after the fact…playing catchup..too many commitments atm!

          1. Haha SMH! Mine too, and I hoped for a visit at some point. I know the chances are almost zero and plenty of Narcs to go around, but wouldn’t it be cool if some of us knew the same ones! It’s a small world.

          2. Haha MB. Does not surprise me at all. Somewhere on this blog there is a discussion of narc nations and Canada was right up there :). Anyway, they ARE all the same but do let me know if the reproduction visits so I can know if I am painted black!

          3. I want to visit Canada! I have a virgin passport that I never got to use. Always wanted to see Niagara Falls especially from the Canadian side. I also want to do the skywalk at the CN tower. There’s a woman friend in Quebec that I used to work with but she’s older and I’ve lost touch, so can’t go there. I could go alone, but I want a native to show me around. Plus, in Toronto, this small town girl would be overwhelmed without an escort!

          4. I’ll go with you MB. I’ll soon be in the northeastern US for awhile. Easy to get to Niagra Falls or Toronto or Montreal from where I will be.

            See what I wrote in response to OMJ about whether we all have the same Canadian :). I know exactly where he is all the time because I planted a tracking device on him!

          5. SMH, you’re kidding about the tracking device, right? What did you do? Inject it? Like the smart blood on 007!

          6. Haha. Yes. Kidding. I am a good sleuth but not that good! He’s so sneaky anyway that he’d probably get a transfusion.

          7. I wish we could SMH! We gotta stop by and pick up K. Catch up with OMJ and make a stop at NA’s place.

          8. Road trip! The revenge of the empaths! Except we will not drive off Niagra Falls at the end.

          9. Hey MB & SMH – I would totally play ‘tourist guide’ if you were both headed to TO. I’m a small-town girl now but lived in Toronto for while…

          10. Thank you, WhoCares. I’m sure you would make a fantastic guide! I do think of Canadians as having a good sense of humour. When narc told me he was moving to X I said, ‘guess I am moving to X too.’ To his credit, he laughed because the joke was that he owned me to such an extent that he inhabited me. I actually would like to go to Canada but not unless narc will take me to Baffin Island or is dead!!

          11. Don’t worry SMH, we won’t tangle with any Narcs we cross paths with on our empath adventures. We will see the red flags now thanks to HG!

            Whocares, take me to try the best poutine. Let’s have coffee at Tim Horton’s, do the Edge Walk, and see the Falls.

          12. Yes MB – I’d so do the Edge Walk with you! The only time I’ve actually been up the CN Tower was a time when I was pissed off at my narc (and caught in downtown TO between travel connections), so I decided to distract/treat myself to something utterly touristy! Your suggestion sounds like a perfect – and effective – way to replace that memory!

          13. I would do the edge walk too but Im older like MB’s friend in Montreal so I guess she wont hang with me lol. I think I told the story here previous about having dinner at the top of the tower. I put my purse on the floor and when I went to get it, it was gone. Tracked it down half way around the restaurant (it rotates).

          14. NarcAngel
            I love to visit Canada, and haven’t got to run up there for a few years now. I’d hang out with you! But “edge walk” sounds too scary for me. You can do it and I’ll watch you and say prayers!

          15. OK girls … let’s meet in Montreal – the finest man are here. Not the cold torontonian.

            We will call it the HG summit – get your shit together and GOSO. :)

            Truthfully I would like to meet you girls truly speak openly xox

          16. I would like to meet you all in person too! Montreal sounds good but are they even letting Americans in these days? Bunch of savages that we are…

          17. Get to know each other off blog SMH. It’s for our on protection. I guess I’m going to Canada on my own. My husband hates to travel. His loss. I should be able to pick up a narc to accompany me. After all, Canada has lots, right?

          18. But that’s odd, MB. On Facebook people use their own names and HG has a site there. I wouldn’t do it but lots of people do. HG can’t control who friends who on Facebook, right HG? I just don’t know how we would connect on here without HG’s practical help and I am sure he wouldn’t want to do that.

            To be honest, as much as I would love to go to Canada, it doesn’t really seem the right place for me at the moment. I have to get over my emotional thinking first.

          19. No I cannot however the interaction on the FB page is different from here.

          20. Yes, I’ve looked and I don’t think people have such involved personal discussions on there, understandably.

          21. SMH
            I made up a fake profil to check FB out previously and they seemed much meaner and more adversarial, too.

          22. Windstorm and SMH

            If one stands their ground using logic and truth people actually listen.
            I believe due to being exposed most are just defensive and letting their emotions drive them instead of letting them down, here people have the choice to remain anonymous and can let the vulnerable side out with out worrying about feeling ashamed, foolish etc by being duped by a narcissist. IMO you don’t see as much anger here as there and in this they are not using it to support and heal but to keep stirring the pot. So in this HG has provided two places for people at different places in their journey, those that desire to continue stirring the pot and those that desire support, healing and growth.

          23. The quality of interaction is totally different . We have been playing around now for a coopLe days and that is a nice change but I love my safe place here – I do feel safe .

          24. I’m not on Facebook anymore. It’s ok SMH. It’s fun to dream. I live in a fantasy world most of the time anyway. It would just be nice for a fantasy to come to fruition sometime. I’m not getting any younger!

            I’m sorry if all the Canada talk has flared your ET :(

            Thinking of you, sweets!

          25. Thanks MB, hun. I think it did trigger me but so have narc’s hoovers. I am on FB and today I blocked narc’s two profiles I am aware of, but I am gearing up to leave altogether (wise words from SuperXena). I wouldn’t use HG’s page on FB anyway because I don’t do anything personal on there.

            Canada, well, narc doesn’t give me room to breathe. There are significant overlaps in our work, travels, countries, cities, and even our kids’ school. He makes it so I’ve had to avoid neighborhoods, institutions, cities, and whole countries. I claw back my space but then he tries to take cyber-space too. It’s like he does not want me to have a life with or without him. Once I was away and hadn’t heard from him for weeks. I went on a dating site and that night he contacted me. Anyway, I got one of my cities back when he moved to Canada, but that was only a few months ago and it means I cannot go to Canada right now. xx

          26. Best of luck with your no contact SMH. You can do it! No more talk of that country north of the US.

          27. And then in the middle of an amazing conversation a deep voice with a cute British accent will join us :) I won’t be able to resist an empath feast :)) lol

          28. I don’t know if “cute” is the word to use, OMJ. I’m going with “sexy” British accent. But don’t hold your breath girlfriend. He ain’t coming out of hiding for us!

          29. Lol, NA – I’m not exactly a youngin’ either but I’d tack on the Edge Walk to my bucket list – only for MB though!

          30. NA, I think I misspoke once. My friend is actually in Quebec. French is her first language. We used to get a kick out of her. One day we asked her if she was hungry and she said, “no, I had a beagle for breakfast.”

            Never a dull moment in the office when she was around! We put out a help wanted ad that we wanted someone bilingual. We didn’t specify that we wanted Spanish! She was such a delight in the interview, I just had to hire her anyway!

            I think I remember you saying you were 56. You’re a spring chicken! My friend in Quebec is in her 70’s by now. I’d love to hang out with you! You’re totally cool. I’m 45 and have a lot of living to do before I get old. Edge Walk, here we come!

          31. I want to eat in the rotating restaurant too, NA. Or at least have martinis. HG? Are you in or no? Have you ever been to Toronto?

          32. WC, I might throw up and pass out, but I want to prove to myself I can do it. I’m not afraid of heights, but that shit is extra! We can do it if HG gets us in touch. He can do it too cause I know he ain’t scared. NA, are you a long way from TO? (If you can say.) Canada covers a lot of ground!

          33. No way would I do that, MB. I am petrified of heights. If I am sleeping above the 5th floor, I feel like I am falling out a window or I have 9/11 dreams. I probably wouldn’t even go up in that tower.

            I’ll hang below at a Tim Horton’s with a coffee and donut, keeping the poutine warm, on narc watch listening to the late, great Gord Downie sing Bobcaygeon.

          34. It’s all good SMH! We’re gonna have a great time. Edge Walk isn’t for everybody.

          35. OMJ and MB, Is it possible that we all have the same Canadian? Wouldn’t that be hysterical? How shall we figure this out? I met mine in Europe (I’ll get more local later if it seems wise). He travels a lot so you could have met him in a number of places.

          36. SMH, doesn’t sound like the same guy. But a traveling narc could certainly wreak havoc worldwide!

          37. MB, I am sure mine has. He spent more time traveling than at home. I asked him once if he got blowjobs in the airport with his breakfast.

          38. You guys are making ne laugh. We do have more than just the one male narcissist here in Canada. Maybe you’re confusing it with the one boat we have in our Navy.

          39. I am cracking myself up. I would be lost in Canada among the narcs because everyone would look the same to me, especially when it snows!

          40. NA, Funny you bring that up! I asked him one time if Canada had a military. He said “yeah, we’ve got a couple of boats.”

            I’m sure Canada is no more or less saturated with Narcs than anywhere else. It’s fun to compare though. (And plan road trips!)

          41. MB, OMJ: Age is same but blue eyes, and so ‘white’ and preppy that I had doubts. I dumped him within the first month because I sensed he was a control freak. I then could not remember what he looked like. There are some really funny stories – including that at one point I thought he was someone else because all white finance guys looked the same to me. Glad I can laugh about it – and he did have a good sense of humour, including about how white he is. He is the epitome of whiteness.

          42. SMH “He is the epitome of whiteness”. Ha ha! The one I know is white, but dark skinned, not preppy, and not in finance. But very good sense of humor also. So there you go, NA. There’s at least two Narcs in Canada. They DO outnumber the vessels in the Navy.