We See You As An Object

we-see-you

You want to be someone to my kind and me.

That will not happen.

You are a something to us, not a someone.

I do not relate to you. Why should I? I regard myself as superior, elevated and special. The petty concerns which govern your life do not apply to me. I do not do accountability. Certainly I have some understanding of what it means to be you, after all I have listened to you tell me so many times about how you feel and I have watched you and others like you so often. I do not feel it however. I cannot put myself in your shoes. I do not want to and even if I did, I am unable to do so because I neither have that emotional empathy or the even stronger emotional contagion that you experience.

Yes, I can see the differences between you and her, him and them. I can see the contrasts in height, body shape, she has green eyes and you have blue eyes, he has no hair and he has dreadlocks. I recognise physical attractiveness, I see the different clothes that you wear, the variances in shoes worn, jewellery displayed and such like. I notice all of that but that does not make you more of a person to me. It is merely the distinction between a washing machine that is white and one which is silver.

Take my television which is placed at the far end of the main sitting room. It is a Samsung Curved SUHD HDR Dot Smart TV 78″ television that I primarily watch sport on. It provides me with a picture which is in pinsharp crikey vision with a scintillating array of colours. The sound is impressive and it looks sleek and attractive. It delivers an outstanding display and therefore delivers what I require of it.

Take you as my primary source. I can see that you stand 5ft 9″ in height, you are slender, with pale skin and long brown hair to the small of your back, which becomes slightly wavy towards the end. Your face is oval. Your eyes are green. You look sleek and attractive. You are an outstanding display of physical attractiveness. I know all this but your primary purpose is to provide me with positive fuel and you do so impressively. You therefore deliver that which  I require of you.

You are no different to my television. You are there to provide a function. You are to deliver in accordance with the Prime Aims, which are the provision of fuel, character traits and residual benefits. If you do and you do so in a fulsome manner, you are a high functioning appliance. If you do not, you are a malfunctioning one.

You and the television are there to do things for me, because I am entitled to that.

I press your buttons by seducing you or later provoking you and you must churn out fuel for me. You at the time of the golden period are my favourite appliance. I have many appliances, other objects which spew out fuel in varying quantities and differing potencies. I have connected all of these appliances to me because again my objectification of you is also linked to the need to exert control. If I want to eat some toast, I place two slices of bread in my Alessi toaster and press the lever down, adjust the relevant control to govern the degree of toasting required and a minute or two later I have two perfectly toasted slices. It works each and every time. I control it. It does what i want. It does not refuse to toast my bread, it does not only toast one side, it does not fire the bread back at me or instead produce a different outcome altogether by presenting me with a leg of lamb. I expect you to be equally compliant and effective. I do not understand why you should not be. You are there to do what I want, I am entitled to receive the Prime Aims and since I installed you as my primary source, you should be delivering them repeatedly, consistently and without interruption. I am not interested in the vagaries of your life which impacts upon your ability to function because of my sense of entitlement, my notion of superiority and of course my incessant needs and demands.

Objects are far easier to control. They are installed, powered and they function. If they stop functioning then they are thrown away and they are replaced. Accordingly, when you stop delivering in accordance with the Prime Aims you suffer the same fate. I do not have time to repair you, you are put to one side and a better, shinier, more effective model takes your place. How did I ever manage without it? Why did I put up with you as a faltering appliance for so long?

You may look at your replacement and wonder why on earth that appliance has been chosen over you. It might be because you gave everything you could to us. It might be because you can see that you are more capable, more interesting, more intelligent and better looking than your replacement. Perhaps you are, perhaps those distinguishing features are there, but you were not delivering in accordance with the Prime Aims and your replacement is doing so which means that they are infinitely superior to you. You are dispensable. Ally the fact that we see you and others as objects with our necessity for performance, our lack of remorse and conscience and you can understand (or maybe begin to understand) why we find it so easy to dis-engage with you and place you on the scrap heap and choose another appliance with such ease.

If you end a relationship, you may be concerned to ensure that the other person is not too devastated, that they are doing okay because even though you may not want to be in a Formal Relationship longer you largely still care about the well-being of another human being. To us that is pointless. Why use your energy dealing with something that is ineffective? That is a waste of time.

Your objectification makes it far easier for us to function. By regarding you as just another object which is there to perform for us, that is to be controlled by us and can be readily replaced when we deem it necessary, we achieve our aims far more readily. Performance and control are key and this is what objects do. Whether it is an ornament which looks beautiful and we can place where we want, to a motor vehicle which delivers us from A to B or a dishwasher which provides us with clean and streak free shining glasses, we control them all and they perform.

This objectification extends into how we regard different objects. For example, when you are seduced and embedded as the intimate partner primary source, you are our most prized possession. You are the one which will give us the necessary positive fuel each and every day in large amounts and with considerable potency. This means you will be looked after, you will be treated well, you will be paraded and shown off, like some prize piece of art or an expensive necklace. You will be placed carefully on that pedestal, polished, cleaned and maintained.

The tertiary source which works in the garage where we fill up with petrol every week is like an old teddy bear. We always say hello and receive a pleasant dollop of positive fuel as we feign interest in this person’s humdrum life. We have known this person for years and like that teddy bear, we see no need to throw them away, not yet, but nor do we regard there as being any necessity for maintenance. Accordingly, the corresponding teddy bear has a eye missing, some stuffing is spilling from inside and the fur has faded.

In the same way that one is careful with a delicate and expensive mirror, we will treat our appliances in the same way. Some can be kicked to one side, scuffed and stained, like a pair of old trainers, others are handled with care until we decide otherwise. Our appliances in our fuel network are regarded and handled in differing ways.

The trophy appliances, the primary source in the golden period or the longstanding inner circle successful friends who are non-intimate secondary sources, are displayed and shown off regularly. The much maligned familial non-intimate secondary source, a scapegoated sibling or child, is the hideous jumper that is only ever worn when it really has to be done and is otherwise derided and ridiculed. Our Lieutenants are our tools, the devices which we depend on to do our bidding as they are deployed to achieve our aims.

Our objectification of you is necessary for the purposes of maintaining control and achieving the Prime Aims. This objectification is achieved because of our lack of empathy. I no sooner can relate to how an iMac feels as to how you feel. I have no concern about whether my Mont Blanc pen feels. It is there to perform. I have a vested interest in you feeling for the purposes of providing fuel, but I am not concerned as to how you feel because I cannot empathise with you.

This objectification manifests not just in how we parade you as a trophy, devalue you without any concern for the impact on you and then how we dis-engage and replace you, but also in the way we interact with you. The use of pet names Pet is a way of dehumanising you. We refer to you as her, she, he and him, rather than your actual name, stripping you of identity (see It for an extreme method of doing so). We reject the legitimacy of your needs and desires by placing ours first. A fridge freezer has no aspirations, no life plan or goals and we reject their applicability to you also. This objectification appears in how we interact with you, especially during devaluation

“Just do it.”

“Do what I want.”

“Get on with it.”

“Stop disobeying me.”

“You will do it or else.”

There is no asking, no politeness, no consideration given. We do not ask the washing machine if it wouldn’t mind washing our clothes so why would we ask you if you wouldn’t mind doing something for us?

You and everybody else, from our parents to our friends, to our colleagues to our children are all objects which are expected to do our bidding. Perform and we will keep you. Fail and you are replaced.

Now, why is there a flashing light on your forehead?

 

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18 thoughts on “We See You As An Object”

  1. So well expressed.

    “I press your buttons…”

    Scene: my street, ex-N has come over to go for a walk with me. Three hours prior we were laughing and flirting on the phone.

    I won’t let him into my house, so he has a tantrum, stands rigidly, won’t touch me or kiss me, won’t look at me. He says loudly “I’m not happy”.
    I want him to move away from my neighbours’ window.
    I like privacy and dignity.
    He knows this.

    Previous week he’s made a big deal about taking me out for dinner; didn’t eventuate. He made a big deal about coming around and taking me out for breakfast. This didn’t eventuate either.
    I was feeling messed around, & couldn’t fathom why he behaved like this.
    The weird no-eye-contact and icey cold stare made me think “what a disturbed individual”, but as I wanted him to accept my brokenness (&PTSD), I was prepared to put up with his.

    About ten houses along my street, I hear him suddenly say “right”, and he grabs me and starts kissing me. I laugh and say ” are you still mad at me?”, as it’s so obviously contrived.

    He says “I can’t make plans in advance with you, because if I have to cancel them you’ll flip out”.
    So rude.
    I say calmly (as usual) “I’ve never flipped out in my life before. The last ten years of my life have been spent working on-call, and most of my friends do too, so it’s understood that plans can change last minute.”
    His reply?
    Silence.

    @10 mins later:
    To test him I say ” I want you so much right now”. He says “I want you right now, I’ll rip your panties off and take you in the street”.
    He says this without looking at me, staring straight ahead like we used to do as kids when we were impersonating a blind person.

    We keep walking.
    He’s single-handedly ruining a beautiful summer evening together.

    Apropos of nothing he says ” so what day next weekend would you like to go out for breakfast?”.
    Delighted, I start giggling with pleasure and try to kiss him on the cheek. I say “I want to lick you,” and I give his cheek a little lick, and a kiss..
    He remains a rigid statue, staring icily ahead, and I hear him say quietly, “there it is”.
    I wrap my arms around him and say playfully “ohh, you made a compromise for me. I know how hard that was for you”.
    He stares icily ahead.

    Breakfast never eventuates.

    We walk back to my house as he complains “I’m tired, I want to sit in your house”. I won’t let him in.
    He won’t kiss me goodbye. Now he looks at me so that he can see my crushed expression as he swerves away.
    He says “don’t make this harder than it already is”.
    I don’t know what he means.

    My non is plussed off the chart at this point.

    He walks away with a scheming expression on his face.
    He imperiously says “I’ll call you midweek. Pick up!”.
    I have a feeling the next day that I’d narrowly avoided being crushed by a brick wall about to fall on me.

    The following weekend I have no date with him, and the whole thing seems so meaningless and draining. I talk to my friends and my dad about it. They all tell me there’s something very wrong with him, it’s like a game to him.
    They tell me to text him “I don’t want a relationship with you anymore”.
    So I do.

  2. HG: is it always inevitable that an appliance is replaced (disengaged from) with time? And does the cycle always repeat? Asking as a former IPPS of an UMRN.

    1. Disengagement is not inevitable, devaluation is. There may be instances where the disengagement triggers (involving an IPPS) are not met and if the IPPS does not escape then the relationship will continue, albeit one whereby there will be devaluation and respite over and over again.

      1. I was in one of those for over 30 years. Probably still am, in a way, but since I divirced him and keep my autonomy now, there are no more devaluations.

      2. Thank you for clarifying. Either way, the cycle continues to the detriment of the ‘appliance’.

  3. I have a BY FAR better TV just saying…

    Control, power, control, power, fuel..
    Do you ever lose control? In controlled situations for eg paying a Dominatrix to stand on your balls in 7 inch knee high stiletto boots?
    Are you ever an appliance? I see you as a cheese grater.

  4. I remember a puffed up ex lessor lecturing me what an important (part time) job HE has
    then he said “and what do YOU have, you have Target & Trader Joe’s.”

    Lolol…

  5. Just because you narcs are shells of humans, doesn’t mean everyone else should be. The narcs are more object like….

  6. This is one of my favorites. Makes me mad every time I read it. Once again, I am not a Toaster!

      1. You mean everyone’s favourite stable genius? Seriously, it is painful to see HG’s insights playing out on the world stage. We hide behind screens and aliases. Poor Melania only has her sunglasses…

  7. The Narcissistic Truths are profound golden information nuggets. Brevity at it’s
    finest. If you miss the narcissist and are stuck pondering the Golden Period, read through them. It helps.

  8. Brilliant.

    I relate to this. I remember not long before separating from my X – when we were in Church. My X was looking at people intently.. He appeared to be listening to the sermon. But, after church I asked him “What did the preacher speak about”? My X did not know!
    He had seemed to be listening soooooo intently, nodding now and again. But, he knew what the lady on the front had done during the service, how she interacted with her child, her husband. He noticed all the little things – not people – things…I suppose he was LEARNING and REMEMBERINGH the right way to act and how normal people behave.

    I was a thing to my X

    When I originally split up form X – I had a picture, flash into my mind. I was a doll. He was this boy. The boy was ranting and shouting at the doll. The doll was crying. Then the boy was smoothing the dolls hair, then laughing with the doll. I had this picture so clearly – BEFORE I knew about narcissism or HG

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