I Want

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What goes through the mind of the Greater Narcissist when he has decided that he must unleash his malice against some transgressor, some traitor, some disloyal appliance which has affronted him in some way? What does he want when the harsh and cruel machinations are about to be deployed against his or her victim? What are his thoughts as he bears down on the one who now represents everything that he despises? Whether they have escaped him, exposed him, challenged him or some other capital crime against the nation-state of narcissism, the Greater Narcissist’s dark mind goes into overdrive. This is a glimpse inside to understand what he wants.

I want you to know that only I know. I want you to know that your wounds are self-inflicted. I want you to feel the ice coldness of your bed at midnight. I want you to hear my voice everywhere that you go. I want a controlling interest in you.  I want my face to appear even when you close your eyes.

I want you to walk in heavy chains each and every day. I want you to touch the scar so you remember me. I want you to always understand how hungry I am for your fuel. I want you to always feel my baleful gaze on you. I want you to glance my reflection in the window and feel that knot of fear in your stomach. I want you to feel my hand on your shoulder even though there is nobody there.

I want you to scream and realise that nobody is coming. I want your world to implode. I want to know how much you hate me. I want to know how much you love me. I want you to know only that which I want you to know. I want you to learn the cost of loving me. I want you to know that my malevolence is just a way to win.

I want you to see me broadcast your secrets far and wide. I want you to understand that the sweetest condition is to be with me. I want you to be knocked to the ground by my thunder. I want you to be shackled to me by the sound of my voice. I want you to realise that compassion is over-rated. I want you to come begging for me to stop.

I want you to know that evil can be so handsome, I want you to feel what it is like to have the grasping hands come from nowhere in order to pull you apart. I want you to watch the light disappear.

I want you try and lift you head, but all I shall see is you exposing your neck I want your world to implode. I want to see you isolated. I want to see the hope in your eyes so I can extinguish it. I want you alive because then there always remains future possibilities. I want you to run but then realise that you cannot.

I want you to now know the true meaning of hurt. I want you to grasp what you have done to me. I want you to experience betrayal. I want you to feel the earth giving way beneath your feet. I want everything you once knew to mean nothing anymore.

I want you dazed. I want you confused. I want you not knowing left from right. I want you stumbling in my footsteps. I want you blundering in the fog that I breathe around you. I want you calling for help and hearing just an echo.

I want you to understand that dreams can be crushed. I want you to never know the truth. I want you to be buried alive by my lies. I want the heavy, dead weight of your guilt to pin you down.

I want you to confront me and fail to understand how you are just giving me what I need. I want to watch your defences crumble. I want you to find that everything is black or white. I want everything to taste like ash to you. I want you to understand what it feels like to be controlled by another. I want you to pray for salvation from me. I want you to seek salvation at my hand.

I want you to hide just so I can come and find you. I want you to try and wipe away the smears and to watch the panic as you find nothing is removing them. I want to see you swallow your own lies about me. I want to hear your terror down the phone line. I want you to shout for me to just make it stop. I want you to give me what belongs to me.

I want you to understand that the darkness is everywhere. I want you to pay the price for your treachery. I want you to find what you once had and give it to me again, for one last time. I want to see that smile vanish when you know it was me. I want your day to begin with me and end with me.

I want the clouds to cover your moon. I want the steady drum of rain drops to mask my approach until I suddenly appear besides you. I want to know where you are, all of the time. I want your dreams to dissipate and for me to rule your nightmares. I want your thoughts to be about me and me alone.

I want you to understand I will not stop. I want you to realise I am unstoppable.

I want to watch you lose control.

I want you to lose.

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32 thoughts on “I Want”

  1. I am forever a Care Bear…

    I Hope

    I hope you trust that others can help. I hope you know your wounds can heal. I hope you feel the warmth of my love day and night. I hope my words resonate even when the creature is clamoring to tell you otherwise. I hope the creature falls off the proverbial precipice and it swallows him whole. He sounds like a giant, life-sucking a**hole.

    I hope you break the chains that bind your heart. I hope you are the beast and one day you find beauty and discover your appliances were really people. I hope you realise life is as delicate and fleeting as a blooming rose.

    I hope one day you lose your pinocchio nose. I hope you realise the wood veneer covering your imperfect soul is unnecessary. Underneath is a magnificent oak. It’s not rotted and black. I hope you understand the beauty in blemishes and cracks.

    I hope you understand I don’t hate you and never will. I hope you understand you are only human and that is not a bad thing. I hope you understand that second place f**king rocks and should be celebrated. Experiences are the best trophies. I hope in times of victory, you hear my congrats, and in times of defeat, I’ve still got your back.

    I hope you ask for help and realise I am there. I hope you let me kiss your scars. I hope you know how much I love you. I hope you know that I know your malevolence is a way to shield your pain. A paper dragon to scare me away. But my love is stronger than fire and ice. And I will still love you when you are not so nice. This doesn’t mean that I will let you abuse me. I know my boundaries thanks to HG.

    I hope after you put down your green cilice, mr. grinch, your heart grows three sizes that day. I hope you know how many people you help with your books and blog. Even if we are scared by gruesome monologues.

    I want you to know the true meaning of love. I hope you know I never want to hurt you. But if it happens, you need to learn to cope. Because I am human like you, and I will make mistakes. I hope your learn to forgive those who have hurt you with words or deeds. Because hurt turns to hate, if you water the seeds.

    I hope my love touches your heart like the sun on your face. I hope your mask drops so you can feel it. I hope you see all the colors in life, not just the blackest of black or the whitest of white. I want your dreams to come true and your nightmares to recede. I hope you realise you are not alone. My love is always there to have and to hold.

    I hope you understand I will not stop. I hope you realise my love is unstoppable.

    Love always protects.
    Love always hopes.
    Love never fails.

    1. Beautiful Valkyrie! I am a care bear too. Hope can be cruel at times, but I can’t help but hold on to her.

      Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness. ~ Desmond Tutu

  2. I read this post once before, just an inner reflection of the dark thoughts this post evokes in me this time:

    “ Be careful hunting monsters, lest you become one yourself, for when you stare into the Abyss, the Abyss also stares into you.”

    Nietzsche. Beyond Good and Evil.

  3. Oh such a revealing and frightening read HG ..I kept seeing an image of Edgar Allen poe’s The Raven .. so apt really because it seems they want us dead inside except for the fuel we can supply them .. The lyrics Killing me softly also come to mind …sorry im in a bit of a philosophical mood ..Thankyou HG you are a wonderful writer and each one helps me become stronger and makes me smile now too ……

      1. ooh im smiling more now! I have my first reply from you ..I feel quite chuffed … yes its a good day …and oh dear that shows if you were my narc how easy it is for me to be hoovered . I better go have some cake ( runs away laughing to hide embarrassment )

  4. Dear HG and anyone else who reads this…

    Take it as a personal cathartic exercise what I’m about to write. You may find it too controversial to post HG and that is your prerogative but after reading this particular piece, my mind spat this out in about 15 mins. It is raw and unfiltered. I decided to leave it that way. Offence is not meant to anyone.
    I suppose you could call it the dark side of the empathic.

    I want you to know that you’re a piece of polished turd. Although you clean up nicely, you’ll always be a piece of shit.

    I want you to know that you’re not as smart as you think you are.
    I want you to know that you’re not as handsome as you think you are. Nice enough face but very average bod.
    I want you to know that you’re mediocre between the sheets. When it was good, it was because of me. You know it, I know it.

    I want you to lead a life of misery.
    You don’t deserve happiness.
    You don’t deserve anything.
    I want you to know that you were right when you said ‘I don’t deserve you’

    I want your shame and anxiety to cripple your mind and body.

    I want to see that fear in your eyes when you encounter someone courageous. You were always a coward. I want you to know that I really enjoyed calling you a coward….. and a liar.

    I want all the people that you know to know that you’re fucking a 15 year old. Always took the easy route…. Pun intended.

    I want you to know that I’m so glad that we didn’t have children. Otherwise I’d be stuck with you forever.

    I want you to know that I dumbed myself down to your level.

    I want you to know that I regret every single moment we spent together. What a waste of my time.

    I want the years I wasted with you back.

    I want you to know that all you’re good at is faking.

    I want you to see me instead of whoever you’re with, every time you try to fuck. I want you to be afraid to ever have sex again. To even masturbate.

    I want you dead.
    You’re of no use.
    I want your family dead.
    Equally destructive and useless.

    There’s too many humans on the planet. So I want all narcs dead. Small price to pay for the incalculable suffering you have created both historically and current.

    I want your reality gap to haunt you every moment, every day. That is your Truth.

    I want you to know that I won’t always feel this way. Unlike you.

    I want you to know that I’ve won.
    I’m free.

  5. You don’t seem to realise that the more fuss you make, the more likely it that additional people will figure you out.

  6. I LOVED READING THIS!!!
    THIS WAS AMAZING: “I want to watch you lose control.I want you to lose.”
    I need to remember that the narc wants me to lose control. I need to not play into his games. I can win this. we can win this. Don;t lose control. Ignore him and run. I need to run!

    Great writing!

  7. Hi HG, do narcissists ruminate on these thoughts? Do you actively go around thinking these things? Or is this just an exaggerated manifestation to express an abundance of feelings resulting from being hurt?

    I think most people go out of their way not to hurt others. No one likes being hurt or devalued, it is a truly awful feeling. But if people express their opinions or hurt in a healthy, respectful way or debate in an open minded courteous way, I think both sides can grow.

    I’ve seen in the brief time I have been here, that you are good at resolving conflict. You do not respond with anger or passive aggressiveness or disrespect. Indeed you are considerate and balanced and humorous. I really appreciate all these qualities in you, and I appreciate all you do that helps others with your writing.

    Thank you ❤

    1. It is more a manifestation of what drives the narcissist’s behaviour in terms of malice. Of course some of these thoughts may well be thought (and acted on) in the appropriate circumstances.

      Thank you for your compliment.

  8. Pingback: I Want – Narctopia
  9. Terrifying. This was terrifying to read. There are times where I wish I would just drop dead so I would not have to deal with my ex anymore. It is interesting as I always maintained we had a connection that I never understood. I always felt we would be linked forever and this was way way before I understood the Narcissistic Relationship. Reading this gave me chills! Amazing article HG.

  10. What an insight! Equally scary and truly shows us the real dark side we are dealing with! I think mine is greater narc but can’t wait to talk to you again to confirm it. HG, thank you for all the work you do to keep empaths enlightened!

  11. Perfect timing (and scary article).

    Trying to figure out if this person is upper mid range or greater. In the midst of your book Sitting Target.

    From what I understand both have the ability for a malice obsession but the greater will devote more energy/resources to it. Because I not only wounded when I escaped but exposed him to a very small group (three total but not sure he is aware of this) I’m wondering whether or not I should be concerned. NC firmly in place and burned a very big bridge to boot. Have not heard hide nor hair thus far but thought it wise to ask.

    1. Wounded, I’m a proponent of HGs Narc Detector service. It’s only $50 and then you’ll know for sure. All my best.
      MB

  12. Thanks, HG, this brings great clarity.
    I could never understand until now why he always believed that I was trying to hurt him.
    Now I know again why it can never work.
    This helps curb any future ideas of the idiocy on my part of pining for him, or feeling guilty for not being able to help heal him. Or to ease his mind by futily trying to get him to see any different from the way he does.
    Great article, as always.

    1. Dearest Tammy,
      I see there’s a hurricane heading your way
      Are you ok … will you be safe
      My thoughts are with you all
      Take care precious
      💜
      Luv Bubblesxx

      1. Hi Bubbles, yes, hurricane, lol. If it’s not volcanoes and earthquakes, whe are prone to hurricanes.
        Thanks for thinking of me. It’s just beginning to rain, but it’s on and off. We’re ok right now, and are prepared.
        Big hugs to you, Bubbles!!!
        Will keep you posted.

    2. Dear Tammy,
      Thank you for that gorgeous … look after yourself keep safe lovely one
      Luv Bubbles xx

      1. Hurricane broke land and will be here in about an hour where I live.
        Scary, but it’s weird, I’m not really afraid.
        One thing on our planet that always wins is nature.

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