Something That Rings True
One of the ways that enables us to succeed with our manipulations is the ability to do or say something that rings true. Take for instance when we commence our seduction and we tell you that we have been in love with you for several years but never felt able to tell you until now. What happens when something like that is said?
- You are taken aback that someone tells you this out of the blue;
- It feels good however because to be told that someone loves you, appeals to a person’s desire to be loved and especially so with an empathic individual who is a love devotee;
- The concept of somebody loving you silently and from afar also accords with an idea of romance;
- It is a surprise, but a pleasant one, an exciting one which has grabbed your interest.
Some people may be bowled over already because of these things. Their desire to be loved and probably their need to be loved arising out of the damage they have suffered at some point, causes them to embrace this announcement of love with enthusiasm and more to the point, to soon fall in love with the person who has made the announcement.
Some people may be delighted by this sudden declaration, but they query how this might be so. They do not ask the person, they do not wish to be impolite or they do not wish to run the risk of losing this new love, how this has come about. No, instead they consider how this might come to be the case.
“Well, we have known each other since we were at school.”
“Her parents and my parents have always been good friends and kept in touch.”
“We work in the same office. Okay, we do not speak often, but he is still able to see me across the floor every day.”
“We have been members of the same club for years, so it kind of makes sense.”
The victim convinces him or herself because there is something that rings true. If you and the narcissist have known one another for a long time, have mutual connections, frequent the same places, it is entirely conceivable isn’t it, that this person could well have loved you from afar for years? The belief in love, the pleasure gained from being told this, the romantic connotation which arises from this circumstances and then the fact that there is something that rings true, all combines in the mind of the victim and they fall for the declaration.
Even in the rare instance that the victim might just question the bona fides of this declaration of love, we are able to deal with it. How? By again deploying the use of something that rings true.
Take for instance: –
“But we have barely spoken to one another all the time, how can you love me when that is the case?”
“I don’t need to speak to you to know what I feel for you. I have seen the way you are with people, kind, considerate, the way you make people feel at ease, the way you make people laugh, how good you are at your job. Those are all the qualities that made me fall in love with you and more besides.”
More compliments appeal to the listener. It is also likely that the narcissist will have observed his or her victim, spoken to the victim’s friends or colleagues and trawled their social media profile to select additional information which when combined adds to the veracity of the likelihood of someone being in love with the victim.
“But I hardly know you, we just share the same apartment building.”
“Maybe but I see you go past every day and you may not have noticed me, but I have noticed you.”
Again, that is entirely conceivable.
“Years you say, why did you not say anything sooner?”
“Because I wanted to be sure of what I felt. I didn’t want to rush it and I always believe that if something is right, it will come to happen.”
Again, there is a plausibility to what is being said.
We rely on the suggestion that something is true, the fact that it is plausible, the desire of the victim to believe in love, to want romance, to have something wonderful which alleviates the pain of past miseries and combined together makes the magical become not just possible but probable. If you have someone paying attention to you, someone who professes to love you then most empathic individuals want to believe in that and will not want to run the risk of it being de-railed by interrogating the person as to what they really mean. The victim either convinces him or herself that what has been said is genuine, because it has something of the truth about it or if they do ask questions this just provides us with a further opportunity to add further words that have something of the truth about them.
Once you realise that this is a manipulation that our kind deploy, you will spot it happening with alarming frequency or you will look back and realise just how often it was used to con and dupe you, to cause you to think that what we said and did was genuine. All through the suggestion that something has the ring of truth about it.
“I am sorry I said what I did, I have been under a lot of pressure.”
(He has been working hard as of late. He has told me and so have his colleagues)
“I don’t want to make any mistakes this time, please give me a chance to make you happy.”
(She did say she messed up her previous relationships. I guess she has learned from that.)
“I have finally worked out what I need and what I have to give. It has taken me some time, but finally with you, I know it will be right.”
(He has told me about the other relationships he has had which didn’t work.)
“I will repay you when I receive my bonus.”
(He showed me his contract confirming that he was due a bonus a few weeks ago.)
“I won’t hurt you, I have been hurt and I could not do that to anybody else.”
(His family told me has been hurt before.)
“It is a last minute business trip, these things happen. It is only a few days. I will be back before you know it.”
(She has mentioned business trips in the past and it is a demanding place where she works.)
“I am sorry you couldn’t reach me, sometimes I just need some space to work things out, you know how I can go inside myself at times.”
(Yes, he is sometimes quiet.)
“No she is just a friend, you’ve nothing to worry about.”
(He has mentioned her as a friend from school previously.)
Whether it is seducing you, making you do something for us, explaining away your concerns, deflecting blame, refusing to do something or a hundred other manipulations, we have an instinctive ability to cause you to accept what we say and do, believe us or no longer doubt us because of this capacity to add something that rings true. It is only after the event that you come to understand and realise that there was never any truth. The inference, insinuation or hint was predicated on lies.
How is it then that what are lies are somehow given that ring of truth?
The answer to that question is that there is also one other essential ingredient which enables us to deploy this manipulation. What we say, no matter how plausible, how convincing, how persuasive, how truthful it may sound, needs one other thing to make it work. Needs something else in the equation to turn the lie into an apparent and sustainable truth.
Something which is especially receptive to this tactic. Something that is open to its application. Something that allows it to be so effective.
You.
17 thoughts on “Something That Rings True”
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Mine was really good at the plausibility stuff but I found out everything – his name, IPPS’s name, his address, etc. I know how he did it – by mixing bits of truth with lies. But he never batted an eye and never asked how I found out. Indeed, when I asked him if he wanted to know, he shook his head no. Why was he so incurious, HG? Because that would mean I had won that part of the game?
Mandy. I think you shine a light on the toxicity between a narc and his IPPS. I’m just learning this from observation and from HG’s writings. As if the narc wasn’t bad enough, putting up with the toxic IPPS is just unbelievable.
Mandy, I don’t know what form of messaging she is using but block, block, block!
I think that in N and his wife’s situation it’s a case of two narcs colliding. Some of the arguments I witnessed between them were appalling. Wife would bring their teenaged daughter into their problems and they’d tag team him with insults whenever he’d stand up for himself. There is so much about their relationship and my relationship with him that made no sense to me during our time together, but now I see how he could not leave her, nor her him, ever. They feed off of each other with the most potent negative fuel. I stayed for so long thinking that he was the victim, even when he was cheating with a third person. I always forgave him and gave him the benefit of the doubt. I’m working through why I thought he could change and why did I ignore the obvious. I have their whole family blocked in every way. Email was the only opening but I found out how to route their mail to the junk folder so I won’t see it. I can’t control what comes in the mail (yes, you can send people an anonymous bag of candy dicks or synthetic shit with personalized notes ) or gets placed on my front lawn (a bra and underwear with a note about what a cunt I am.) My friend is a sheriff and he said that a restraining order might not even be effective because wife and 21 year old daughter are very creative and it might fuel them more. I got myself into this situation by cheating. I should’ve known. Trying to move forward now and praying for silence and peace now daily. Thank you for listening. My therapist helps and I am grateful for loving family and friends who support me through this, but it’s only here where people seem to understand what we were up against from day one.
Bang! And we’re done. That’s why you’re the Boss and we’re the apprentices!
My sentiments exactly Carol, well said! There is such brilliance in the simplicity of the construct that we make it all ring true! There are parallels here between the Narcs and fortune tellers, they also rely heavily on the secret ingredient – our receptiveness!
Ok this is good to know.
I am partly to blame, it’s up to me to keep my guards up and use my common sense instead of emotional thinking.
I feel I am going to be so hard to penetrate, like I am going to become hardened and stand offish and mistrusting. I don’t want to be like that.
At the moment I’m struggling believing anybody that is even remotely nice to me.
You are not to blame. You should not feel shame or guilt. Just as someone who is raped or abused should not feel guilt or shame. It is a common response that takes the focus off the perpetrator. You did not deserve or ask for this. The person who is to blame for committing a hurtful act is that person.
They are predatory ! They watch you and observe like a serial killer .
Guilt is the bane of my life. Valkyrie thank you, you make sense. I know deep inside what you say is true. I feel emotionally raped, he took all I had to give and I’m left 10 months on still caught in his bubble, still being occasionally hoovered, but now my walls are so high that anybody that is even slightly nice to me I’m backing away from. I’ve found myself even doing it at work.
Is it normal to feel relief when you first go NC, then strength because you have no intention of reaching out, then periods of remembering and questioning and analysing – and reading here there and everywhere – then moments of sympathy – and moments of forgiveness – and by being here constant ever presence so he’s always on my mind.
Then I look at my actions, how I behaved, what I could have done better and I end up wondering how I turned into this person.
I’ve read your posts Valkyrie, you seem strong and well on the way to recovery. Thank you.
You know, the overwhelming majority of times it works because the target was trained from small by a narc (most often a father) to be a cooperative target. One narc said he doesn’t create the victimisation, he just refines it.
I think I have figured out some bypass mechanisms. You are useful to help me refine my craft.
Btw, it amuses me to know you’re sucking fuel from us. I feel seriously powerful knowing i can choke off a narc’s life just by my silence or permit him another day of existence by my attention.
Who is more culpable? The person believing “hey, person X says he really likes you?” Or the person lying and saying he likes someone he does not.
I am not a big fan of being gullible or not guarding yourself against others. But it is not the same as saying the other person deserves the hurtful behavior because they were too trusting.
Should people be more guarded?…sometimes. Do they deserve mistreatment? No.
Do rape victims deserve to be raped because of the way they dress? Are they being too trusting? Is it a good idea to walk down a dark alley by yourself in the middle of the night? No. Does that mean you deserve to be raped or beaten? No.
I appreciate you HG for keeping us on guard. There are people out there who wish to harm. I don’t want to completely shut myself off from living, but knowing what to watch out for helps.
Valkyrie, you make a good point and it’s something that I’m experiencing now. Narc ex is back with his wife, and for the past two months I have been silent but they continue to harass me. I keep getting messages from his wife saying, “How could you believe his lies?” “Did you really believe he would leave me for you?” and from Narc: “You should have paid attention to my actions, not my words.” “You never meant more to me than someone who was there to soothe my weakness and lack of self esteem.” This he says after 10 years, overnight. Believe me, his words were convincing – more convincing than his actions, yes, but unless you have been involved with a highly skilled manipulator, I think it’s difficult to understand just how in tune they are to what you need to hear and when to keep the relationship alive. I was even told by his wife that I should kill myself, yet he stays silent. After almost 10 years. This is what they do. It is shocking that they lay blame with me for believing him, rather than question a man who was stringing along his wife, me, and other women whom I know of now for so long. In hindsight, I was stupid. I should’ve seen more signs.
Mandy,
I was so struck by your story I had to reply. That is awful and I hope you are not suicidal as a result of those people. The narc is clearly manipulating his wife to treat you that way. She’ll be under his control for the rest of her life, probably. At least you are relatively free and can get away from him, even if it still hurts. A narc in my life operated this way-constantly getting women to do things for him while all the while denying any responsibility. Keep up with your no contact and know that you’re not alone and you’re not at fault!
I am so sorry you went through that Mandy K, that is awful. I am very sorry you got treated that way.
Other people victim blame because it helps them distance themselves from a terrible thing that happened. “Oh that wouldn’t happen to me. I’m too smart, too guarded, too street smart.” “I would have been more careful.”
Victim blaming takes the focus off the perpetrator. Victims feel shame and question what could I have done to prevent this?
It is equivalent to saying “You don’t have to outrun the bear, you just have to outrun your slowest friend.” It is essentially telling the potential victim to make sure the manipulator manipulates someone else.
The person responsible for committing a horrible act is that person.
Mandy K, I am so glad you are no longer with him. You are not to blame. Keep your head high and stay strong. Focus on yourself and your wellbeing. Much love to you. Hugs.
Thank you Claudia and Valkyrie. This has been the most difficult experience of my life and I am so grateful to the support here and to HG for shining a light on these patterns. The blame shifting and blatant lies he’s told still overwhelm me. I’ve mentioned here before that for years narc’s wife used to tell him he had Aspergers. He resented that and would complain constantly about it when they’d argue. She’d also call him worthless, tell him to kill himself, etc. I would see her texts and it was shocking. Now she is using the same language with me in her tirades—telling me I’m worthless, she hopes my children hate me etc. and saying that he has autism and I took advantage of his disability. He’s going along with that, of course, because it takes the heat off of him. He’s resorted to saying anything about our relationship that she wants to hear— that sex with me was awful, that I manipulated and controlled him and he was afraid I’d be a bunny boiler if he broke off the affair, etc. I used to tell him that if he had no plans of leaving I couldn’t continue the relationship. I felt so much guilt over the affair that unless it ended in an out in the open, legitimate, honest relationship I couldn’t bear to continue. He never objected to the outcome he knew I needed to stay in that relationship. It sickens me to know that it was an almost decade long farce. One big lie- with more affairs on his part, dating profiles I discovered that he said were just set up for curiosity…the list goes on. He is an intelligent man- a chief analytics officer for a major company. He is a writer, a PhD. And he is a skilled manipulator and pathological liar. He is not autistic and no victim of mine. Thank you again HG for educating me on how to stay away.
You are welcome.