A Question Of Trust

A QUESTIONOF TRUST

 

We are able to do what we do because of a particularly fundamental trait that we look for in the people that we target; trust. We look for those who place particular reliance on trust and then we abuse that trust. Most people operate on a basis of trust. If they did not, the world would grind to a halt. Trust lubricates so many transactions between people whether those transactions are social, financial or emotional. When somebody tells you,

“I like your shirt it suits you.”

You trust them to be telling you the truth. If you did not do so, you would stop and cross examine them as to why they like it in order to evaluate whether you believe their comment to be a true one or not. You trust the company from which you make a purchase to deliver when they say they will and that the product will be fit for purpose. You trust your colleagues to do their jobs effectively so you can also fulfil your obligations. You trust the police to maintain law and order, if you did not, there would be anarchy and rife vigilantism. It is axiomatic that there has to be trust otherwise everything would be slowed down or stopped as people evaluated, analysed, questioned and verified. Trust is evident everywhere and there is no greater trust than that which is expected in an intimate relationship.

People trust their partner to have their best interests at heart, to trust them not to do something to hurt them, to trust them to be faithful and loving. We know that in order for you to love in the way that you do, that deep and unconditional love, there must be trust. You approach your relationships with this trust held out in front of you, a symbol of good intent. You presume that everyone else that you will engage with will also adopt a similarly trusting stance. You expect them to reciprocate this trust. You trust that they will trust.

You are not a cynic. You do not operate in the realm of suspicion and mistrust. To do so would be admitting defeat and would tarnish the ideal of love that you are committed to. You accept much at face-value. That is not to label you as naïve, that would be unduly harsh, for as I have mentioned, many people operate on the basis of trust and so they must. You apply this trust to your dealings with those that you fall in love, led to believe by us that this trust will be reciprocated, that it will not  be breached, betrayed or damaged. You are a truth seeker. You apply honesty in all your dealings and the taint of lies and dishonesty offends you considerably. The stench of our deceit, the rank odour of our mendacity is great but the perfumed veil we cast over such dark and dangerous deceptions is such that the malodorous warning never nears you. You are conned into believing that we tell you the truth when we first encounter you. We behave with such conviction, the air of confidence we exude, seemingly unquestionable and unimpeachable. We look you in the eye, those unseen mirrors reflecting back at you your earnest trust so that you see what you require. You look upon supposed honesty, apparent openness and this maintains your sense of trust.

By trusting you believe that you will get the truth. That our love will be true, that our intentions are truthful, that our fidelity is real and we govern our interactions with you under the mantle of truth. You trust that all of this will happen because we make you think you can trust us. We will reference those who have let us down, those who have betrayed us and in so doing we hold up our own reliance upon trust in order to receive your trust. See how we have trusted others and they let us down? We have always trusted beforehand and so you can be assured that we want to gain your trust and you shall have ours. It is all carefully orchestrated to channel one of the fundamental tenets by which you abide. When we gain that trust and we do so easily, you enable us to take this valuable commodity and apply our own veneer to it, reinforcing it and demonstrating to you just how much we value it. As a fellow disciple in trust this enables us to conduct ourselves in a way which ensures we are above suspicion. When we meet with a member of the opposite sex and explain she or he is just a friend and it is a friendly drink you have no reason to think otherwise. You trust us. When we tell you that we are working late. You trust us. When we borrow money from you. You trust us. When we tell you that we are using the contraceptive pill. You trust us. When we tell you that we love you and have never loved anybody like this before – you trust us.

Trust equals the truth. We then abuse your trust by carrying out our treacherous acts. We court other partners and shatter your trust. As you sit at home watching television thinking we are working hard for our future we are philandering and sliding our tendrils around a fresh prospect. When you are making that dinner for us both, looking forward to an evening together, I am showering in a hotel as I seek to wash away the scent of the person I have just coupled with. When you check your bank balance and consider what you will do with the return on the investment that I talked about so you lent me the money, your hard-earned money is being used to impress someone else so that they fall into my clutches. We take this very thing that is of such central importance to you and we abuse it. We disrespect and we trade it  just like a commodity.

When you eventually realise your trust has been shattered and this has happened repeatedly. When you finally wake up and join the dots. When you see the flagrant breaches of your trust, when the evidence is irrefutable and painful, we may well have gone. Not only have we abused your trust but we have left without explanation or reason, leaving you to deal with the aftermath alone as we move on to the next target and begin gaining their trust. Like any confidence trickster it is necessary for us to gain trust before we are able to abuse it. Not only do we hurt you repeatedly through these actions we do so to such an extent, with so many people and with so many people aware of it, other than you until the last moment. This wide-ranging and wholesale desecration of trust, this tarnishing and defacing of the truth leaves you broken and unable to face the totality of the truth. You cannot comprehend that you have been conned so extensively and so often. You cannot bear the sensation that arises from having been made to look so foolish. You held your trust up as something to be proud of and now you are left to rue your reliance on this as you hear the repeated comments of “Told you so”, “Didn’t you notice?” and “You are too trusting.” You equate trust with the truth. Our abuse of your trust causes you to not want to accept the truth of what we have done.

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11 thoughts on “A Question Of Trust”

  1. I think narcs are BIG CRY BABIES: childish and immature little creatures with MOMMY ISSUES. Who are injured, pathetic, cowards who like to take their pain and inadequacies out on everyone else.

  2. “You are not a cynic. You do not operate in the realm of suspicion and mistrust. To do so would be admitting defeat and would tarnish the ideal of love that you are committed to. ”

    I did not, before now. I believed in the basic goodness of people. I now mistrust until trust is earned. The pain of betrayal and the loss of innocence was the price of admission to my next life.

  3. I’m sure that this has been asked and answered, but who does your artwork/photos? They are absolutely breathtaking.

    1. I describe what I require, a minion offers me choices, I make the final selection. Pleased you like them.

  4. Violet how much you sound like me. It broke my heart to read that.

    I was recently wished happy 21 again! 21 was a nightmare. Best to celebrate the moment in the now.

    If I may? Give yourself permission to heal. Yes, I said permission. How much we all hold so close to the vest blaming flagellating excusing.

    You are here and now granted time and permission to heal. You are a human being. Forgive yourself.

    1. Wounded
      That’s very true and good advice. I needed to hear it too. I’ve never been very good at forgiveness, especially to myself. Goodness knows how much of my life I’ve spent self-flagellating for mistakes I’ve made – usually with narcissists. Money mistakes, business mistakes, maintenance mistakes, health-care mistakes – those I never wallow in self-recrimination. I just fix and deal with them and move on. Being tricked or duped, though – that I just can’t seem to get over. That’s what takes years and years.

      1. We have so much good in us Windstorm. Everyone makes mistakes. I held myself accountable for mistakes I made as a mere child and it wasn’t until recently I had to learn to forgive myself. I literally had to give myself permission to make healthy choices (like engaging on here) in order to heal. You have amazing things ahead of you when the time comes.

  5. I’m not going to go on about trust and all. That’s all done on my end and for IPPS to deal with.

    But an anecdote: he once took a shower before he went home for dinner. Then he very nonchalantly dropped the goddamned towel on the bedroom floor instead of hanging it up in the bathroom or handing it to me. Maybe at your house buster, but not at mine. That was the biggest offense!! But of course I had not cooked his dinner.

  6. This is perhaps the most painful aspect of the entire debacle for me. Abuse shattered my trust as a small child, my first memory of this world. I have spent the past 30 years taking one step forward and oh so many back with trusting anyone at all. The last seven years I’ve given over to narcissist after narcissist.

    The pain of giving these creatures my trust, only to watch them destroy it for fun is indescribable. And yet, it is a pain I revisit, over and over again. A pain I am somewhat comfortable with. A pain I crave..?

    My trust issues are like a bruise I just can’t stop pressing.

    Tonight, I wondered for the first time if I’ve ever trusted myself. The answer is no, and my direction clear. As ever, “our pain is the breaking of the shell which encloses our understanding.” (Kahlil Gilbran, probably paraphrased!).

    Weary from the endless night, I rub my eyes in disbelief. Surely not? But there they are. The first rays of dawn breaking to the east. I turn, a smile dancing on my lips, and head towards the light.

  7. This all reminds me of the tale of the scorpion and the frog, probably most directly because there’s a song from The Devil’s Carnival based around the myth simply titled Trust Me. Near the end of the tune, the frog asks (mid-seduction while she’s got her back to a bullseye and he’s taking aim, as the scorpion character is the carnival’s knife thrower) “How do I know you won’t stab me?” The scorpion replies, “Because my act is dead without you.”

    Then ensues Prick! Goes the Scorpion’s Tail, sung by a character the scorpion is poking on the side. No wonder my ex loved that musical, he was in it.

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