Perchance To Sleep

 

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When I am first with you, I like to sit and look at you as you sleep. I like to see you lying there content, your arm draped across me as if checking that I am still there next to you. Your eyes are closed and your face is in a relaxed repose as I feel your chest gently rising against me. You look content, safe and loved. I wonder what you are dreaming about as a small smile plays about your lips. I often believe that it is me. The wonderful, incessant and perfect love that I furnish for you throughout your waking hours must surely continue when you are asleep. It must bleed into your sleep, percolate into your dreams and such is its all-pervasive power it makes you feel loved even when you are asleep. It is during these moments that I consider how I can continue to give you this perfect love that you rightly deserve. I can see what a good and decent person that you are. I feel the admiring love that you pour over me and I know it is genuine, I can tell a fraud at a hundred paces and you are no such thing. It is entirely understandable that you flow with this love for me, who would not when faced with being the object of my perfect love? I look down at you, your delicate features framed in the low lamp light that I have kept on in the bedroom solely for this purpose. You seem so fragile and vulnerable as you lie there, unaware that I am watching over you. I want to protect you; I want to shield you from the darkness that is out there and keep you safe. You deserve nothing less because you give me such a wonderful love in return and I must protect you. I must ensure that my investment remains cherished and loved. It is during these moments as I sit and look at you that I know I must truly love you. How can I not when I feel such a sense of responsibility over your well-being. Look at you; still, perfect and oblivious. Who could not fail to love someone like you? Who could not fail to have such a care for your well-being? Who could ever cause that beautiful face to frown and crease in bewildered pain? Who could cause a solitary tear to trickle from your eyes and spill down those flawless cheeks? I cannot bear to think about you being hurt, feeling sad and in pain. I feel a deep-seated desire to look after you, to keep the darkness from your door and ensure that you are always only ever happy and loved. This sense of being your guardian is strong. I feel anger at the thought of anybody lashing out and wounding you, someone causing this perfect creature to feel anguish, pain and concern. I lay a hand on your shoulder and you shift slightly in your sleep acknowledging this gentle gesture of protection. You face nudges against me as if you know what I am thinking and you feel safe and wanted.

Yet for all these thoughts I know that this is purely the way I am expected to think about you. This is how I should act in order to maintain the façade of our relationship so that you continue to give me what I want. I sit and wrestle with these thoughts. Are they genuine? Are they what I truly feel about you yet I know I do not. I know that the apparent abhorrence that I manufacture at the thought of you being hurt is purely an artifice because it will be me that eventually causes your hurt. It will be me that will twist that beautiful smile into a gash of despair. It will be me that makes that light voice become wracked with anxiety and pain. It will be my words that wound and my actions that scar. For all the tenderness that I apparently exhibit as I sit here now looking over you, I know, as sure as the world keeps turning and that the sun rises in the east, that I will be the one that will bring you to your knees. I will have you feeling exhausted, crazed and desperate and as I sit and recognise that I am the architect of your downfall I feel nothing. I feel no guilt, no despair or remorse because those things have been stripped from me. I was never made to experience those sensations and that is why I know I will do as I do to you, as I have to all the others before me and I will only feel one thing; power. That raw and visceral power which I must have. I am blessed with sufficient insight and intellect to know that what I do is wrong. I can see the tears in your eyes, hear your begging and see your hunched broken frame which tells me that you are hurting and I caused this. Yet for all of this understanding I am unwilling and unable to do anything about it because I am not forged with the desire or the tools to do so. This is what I am and better you remain asleep, oblivious to what is really looking down on you.

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22 thoughts on “Perchance To Sleep”

  1. And this is why you should never trust anyone who puts you on a pedestal. Regarding someone as perfect — or a “perfect creature”, as H.G. puts it — is not love. The first paragraph in this post is as creepy and objectifying as the second.

  2. HG

    I am curious about sleep deprivation. Have you ever inflicted sleep deprivation on your victims? If you have written about it, can you please inform me what posts to read? My ex always interrupted my sleep but the last night I spent with him was brutal. Every time I almost fell asleep he would touch me somehow and it kept me awake. I was not able to sleep at all and I was not sure if this was common?

    Thanks!

      1. Thank you HG. It makes sense that you and your kind would manipulate someone’s sleep cycle. Sleep lets one’s body rejuvenate physically and mentally. It is amazing how one’s psyche starts to deteriorate without proper sleep. With the lack of sleep, I started staying in emotion mind most of the time which of course benefited the ex.

      1. MB
        I wish I slept like the dead. I have major problems sleeping but it was much worse when I was with him. However saying that, I am now sleeping better. I no longer have the ex poking me in the back intermittently.

      2. BR, it really is difficult for me to believe that keeping one from sleeping thereby making them more susceptible to manipulation can be instinctive. There’s so many moving parts to that scenario that it MUST be planned?!? Mind blown!

    1. Broken Rainbow, this was a huge tactic of my victim midranger ex husband. Even Matrinarc noticed and told be he was trying to break me. But Matrinarc should know she used the same tactics on me as a child. The article HG refers to us right on money!

      1. I was molested on my bathroom floor st 5. After that, sleep was an issue. Many morning I heard my parents alarm go off at 5am because I had not gone to sleep yet. I just laid there fighting the monsters in my head. I still sleep better in daylight.

        I used to have night terrors as an adult, where I’d wake up panicked and need to find everyone ( the animals). So I slept with lights on. I’d read from the E-Ching until my brain calmed down, then listen to Georgian chants to fall asleep.

        In the beginning it was simple things like he couldn’t sleep with lights on or music. After all, he was there now, I was safe, right!?! Did I mention he was a 320 pussy? Anyway he’d “forget” to tell me his uniform was dirty and he needed it for work tomorrow until we were going to bed. Then it was I moved too much, he was a light sleeper. So I’d lay there trying not to move, never sleeping until very wee hours. He’d get up bright and early a blast the TV. Like HG said. I was bound to the bedroom, if not, I was accused of sneaking around. After a couple of years together, I developed carpal tunnel. I could sleep laying down. I’d wake up to my hand feeling like they were on fire. I started sleeping in a papasan chair in the bedroom. Every movement I made, the chair creaked. That part was awesome. Now he was as sleep deprived as I was! Anyway, it was the usual crap. There was nothing unique about him or his tactics. He is a victim midranger.

  3. I wonder if this is how a Matrinarc looks upon her newly born child. I had a picture of my mother holding me as a newborn, just home from the hospital a few weeks. The picture was intended for people I never knew. Names I didn’t recognize. With the picture was a note addressed to those people. It told of how she couldn’t wait to go back to work. It was a beautiful picture. Cognitive Dissonance- two opposing feeling about about the same picture. Beauty and sorrow.

    1. IdaNoe
      I am sorry you experienced being taken advantage of. That is so horrible and I understand your pain as I have had experiences myself. I can also relate to the night terrors. My night terrors are worse than ever right now but at least I know I am physically safe which helps. Are you still having to sleep with lights on?

      It sounds like your ex did everything he could to sleep deprive you. Mine went from a regular sleeping routine with us getting up early (5 am which I loved) to “sleep time” being so irregular. Go to bed at 6 pm, sleep for awhile, wake up at 9 or 10 pm then stay up until 2-4 am and then fall asleep. Sigh, I can’t sleep like that. I already had chronic health problems and it was critical for me to get sleep. Needless to say my health problems started getting worse. (well we all know that was deliberate).

      I also was bound to the bedroom and often the bed as well. When I tried to move around the bedroom to get comfortable, I was yelled at or worse. If I left the bedroom for any reason, he would “wake” up and come find me. There were times I tried to get out of bed and he would whip his arm out and stop me. I would be in physical pain and was desperate to move and I was not allowed to. It went on and on.

      1. BrokenRainbow,
        Yes, I still sleep with the lights on. I can sleep in darkness now, but have the lights on due to elderly pets. If I have to pee, I can’t see them in the dark. I found calming rituals to be a big help before bed,  a bath, music, aromatherapy. Aromatherapy has been a big help actually.  I’m weird. Nights are a good time for me. I feel better, work better, think better. Mornings suck. I sleep best and deepest in the morning,  so if I have to get up early, I’m grumpy. Daylight sleeper I guess. Anyway, mornings always suck even if I’m not exhausted.  I battle all my monsters in the mornings now instead of at night like when I was a kid. I usually wake up in pain, my body is achy, my mind is unfocused and I’m allergic.  I usually just sit for an hour or so and growl. The aromatherapy has helped that,  I know it sounds corny, but it has. Spearmint. That calms me, and helps me center. To focus my mind, I read from the Narcsite website.  It makes my eyes focus, my mind focus and keeps me on track mentally and emotionally. I hope you find your ritual that will help you. Try the aromatherapy at night, something calming, lemon is good. That might help with the night terrors. 

      2. BrokenRainbow. Hey hubby just reminded me! A noise machine. We have a Brookestone noise machine. It helps me fall asleep and stay asleep. New ones are expensive, I found mine on Ebay used. If I forget to turn it on at night. I’m more tired in the mornings and have tossed more during the night. Hope this helps.

      3. BrokenRainbow,
        Damn I’m a dingbat! Do you clench your teeth or grind? Go get a $1 mouthpiece for sports. It’s cheap and they save your teeth. Walmart has them in adult sizes.

    2. IdaNoe
      I also slept with the lights on for a long time. At one point every single light on the house was on. I am now able to sleep in the dark but it took a long time. My night terrors usually exist of someone trying to get in my bedroom window or get into my place. Needless to say I have PTSD and I would almost bet Complex PTSD as I have previous trauma from my childhood. Thank you for the ideas for a bed time routine. I like the idea of aromatherapy very much. I also started drinking tea at night to help calm the nerves. As far as the sound machine that sounds like a great idea. I will look into that for sure. YES I grind my teeth. All the time!!!! Do you as well? I also bite my tongue as well and have for many years. I can understand your comment about this site and calming the nerves. Narcsite has become one of my go to sites. For us empaths, knowledge is power.

      1. BR
        I clench my teeth. Ive cracked most of my molars doing it. The mouthpiece really helps. For aromatherapy I use a diffuser with calming music/sound. Let me know what helps or new ideas you find. Thanks!

  4. I used to fall asleep on his shoulder. He snored, and I was a troubled sleeper so he would always let me fall asleep first. He stayed awake, watching over me, waiting for me to drift off. His warmth, his watchful eye…far cry from the cold shoulder on the edge of the other side of the bed as I cried myself to sleep for some transgression. I never knew why. It killed me. I couldn’t ask. He didn’t like that. He’s gone now, and I’m wide awake. I get it now. Thank you for that. Your writing has helped me in a way the “experts” couldn’t even begin to address.

  5. Pingback: Perchance To Sleep ⋆

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