You spend your time searching. Searching for the one who will fulfil that desire of complete happiness, the one who will be your match, the one who accords with being the soulmate, the one who completes you, the ying to your yang, the one who makes everything alright again. The one who will wipe away those tears of sadness and bring to you the tears of joy and elation. The one who will always be there, come hell or high water. The one who creates that world that you have always craved. The one who chases away the shadows and keeps the wolf from the door. The one who loves you for what you are and does not seek to change you. You search for the one who wants to be with you but will not complain when there is enforced absence. The one who never forgets the important milestones in your lives but never remembers the times when matters do not quite go to plan. The one who will ensure your memories live on in the raising of others. The one who will not turn from you but will lift you up and rely on you also. The one who will take your hand and hold it tight no matter what storms come your way. The one who wakes with you and smiles that special smile. The one who lays their lips against yours as the day ends and night engulfs the land. The one who knows you inside out and cherishes everything you have to offer the world. The one who understands you and wants to understand you. The one who embraces your flaws and imperfections and does not use them against you. The one who looks into your eyes and desires what they see there. The one who will not judge you, will not hold your errors against you but who will hold you as the world may collapse around you and the one who will say your name with their dying breath.

You spend your time searching for a sign. An indicator that will give you the answers. Something on which you can hang hope, that imposter, in order to solve the mystery that you are now faced with. Something that will enable you to unravel the puzzle that has emerged every day and has your mind twisted, thoughts stretched and contorted. You are searching for the truth, your slavish devotion to such a concept is honourable indeed and you must find that truth and hold it high for all to see. You must locate it and raise it up above to ensure that everybody knows of it. You must find the solution, you must identify the panacea that shall cure all these ills, for you are a fixer, a solver, a healer. You search and search for explanation, enlightenment and elucidation. You are hunting high and low for the reason to something which seems unfathomable. Your search will lead you into dead ends, frustrating cul-de-sacs and along treacherous and perilous routes where your bewilderment is only heightened. Your search for clarity amongst the confusion appears to be never-ending. You may be blessed with an indefatigable spirit which enables you to carry way beyond the endurance of others as this search continues. There are clues, but they dance away from you like an elusive will o the wisp, leaving you blundering after it, as you are led further into the quagmire of disturbing befuddlement.

You search for the antidote to the pain that engulfs you each and every day. Some salve to soothe your fevered brow, a medicine that will numb the pain and bring the cure. You search for an end to the hurt. An end to the misery that sweeps about you, its chains heavy and rusting, making you stoop and cutting you to the core. Dragging you down with its hatred, the horror and the malevolence so you fall to your knees. You crawl across the barren land, hands pricked from the thorns that grow across your path as wearied and beaten down you drive yourself on searching for a way out. You sob with frustration as your draining journey reveals that you have gone around in a circle and you stare with disbelieving eyes at your own handprints in the dust, realisation crashing into you that your endeavours have all been for naught. You search for the Holy Grail that will grant you release from this torture, the answer to every question which gnaws at your terrified mind, the oil that will calm the troubled waters allowing your passage across the emotional sea to become easier allowing you to reach the promised land. You search for the key which will unlock the huge gate that looms over you, the opening of the portal that will enable you to escape this horror which surrounds you and has become woven into the tapestry of your every day. You search and search, fooled by the charlatans that offer respite only to whisk it away at the last moment, wrenching it from your grasp. You search and search for a way out of the nightmare, idiots and clowns suggesting they have the route mapped out for you, but they know little or nothing, well-intentioned or otherwise they are not the ones who will be able to end your search. You search and search for the final destination that will finally grant you release. There are options which may bring this horror show to an end, the dropping of the final curtain but whilst you contemplate that, deep within you there is that will to overcome what torments you and to avoid failing and seeking that alternative exit. That way is not for you. You must conclude your search. You must achieve it and as that truth seeker your search continues. You wish to reach the end and it is an end which gives you the absolute truth, the clearest of answers which thus enables you to seize the power to create that which serves your needs once again. The answers that will sweep aside the darkness and enable you to step into the light once more, a champion of perseverance and a titan of determination.

So, day after day after day, you search.

Your search ends here.

The Holy Grail teaches you deliverance over ruin.

11 thoughts on “Searching

  1. tigerchelle78 says:

    Searching….. Searching…….searching………going round in circles….

    Yes that’s how it feels to have finally…..finally come to the answers you are looking for on the internet…
    After hours and hours of putting in key words, or phrases of how one feels, or whats happening, in different search engines, and you come across lots of articles, that don’t get you anywhere, relationship advice that is pointless, and then you come across YouTube videos, and find plenty talking about narcissism, oh yes, but its mainly from their own personal experiences, and nothing is really grabbing you or fitting….

    Then you come across Sam Vaknin, who makes some sense, but its pretty convoluted, and a bit of a mind job, and it feels much like you’ve opened up a massive dictionary, but somewhat helpful!

    And then, (queue drum roll)….and then….. you finally find HG, ….at LAST!

    You listen to his videos, and that lovely voice, so mysterious, he draws you in, but not only that, his information is top-notch, it hits the nail on the head, its understandable, straightforward. You are finally getting somewhere….answers are coming, thank goodness….

    Then you come to his site and find intelligently written articles and with very eye catching pictures, that get straight to exactly what and why this is going on in your life and what the hell happened. Who these people are and how they think, and behave, and what to do about it all, and why do they do this and that and ……why, where, how, what, when?!?!?!?!? You learn practically a new language of new acronyms that you never knew before, and meet others that have had similar experiences and give support.

    And you can ask questions and have consultations with Tudor himself! He deals with you in a very patient, understanding and professional manner. The best therapist you’ve ever been to. Every penny worth it. There is now a distinct before HG and an after HG.

    You read his excellent books, that explain everything in more detail, and gets you understanding how it all fits together. The nitty-gritty…. He tells you like it is, no messing around, and gives it to you straight between the eyes!
    Its like he has pushed you up against a wall and has smacked you over the head several times with the correct information GOSO!

    His clever and masterful writing shoot straight at your heart and mind! Fills you with intrigue and emotions that make you reflect, and in learning more about the narcisist dynamic you in turn also as a result come to a realisation of not only the type of person you are, but why and what’s making you do the things you do and act the way you are. You continue to grow in knowledge and understanding, with Tudor guiding you along the way……

    Your eyes bulge out of your head, as you take in and lap up the information, ….his information, his reminders ….like water in a desert!

    Everything now makes perfect sense. You know exactly what you are dealing with. You now feel educated and empowered! You feel like you have the strength to deal with what you are dealing with, and you can carry on with your new found armour!

    If Sam gave you perhaps the edge of the jigsaw, well now HG, has filled in all the middle pieces and now you see a very clear and the much detailed bigger picture!

    Thank you HG, for getting that lifesaving and precious information from your head on to the page, allowing us to know and benefit from knowing the Narcissist!

    You are one incredibly determined hardworking man! For that we are ever grateful….


    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

  2. E. B. says:

    “Deliverance over ruin.” – I always remember these words.

  3. Alex says:

    Something like that still exists, they call it psychotherapy, believe it or not.

  4. Mercy says:

    I love this one. Very powerful.

  5. Denise says:

    I mess with my Narc worse than he can me. He has driven me into Supernova mode. Thanks to listening to hours of your videos on youtube you have empowered me but I do always worry that one day he may get violent (he has with others but not with me plus I have 11 crazy brothers and a son and nephews that ain’t having none of that). We have been friends for 5 years and I have worked for him for about a year now. I am going to have an audio consultation with you because there is just too much to tell and I need your advice on a few things. I am going to GOSO but I have towait about 6 more months.I’llexplain during consultation. I think I’llhave the spare money by October 3. Just a quick background…I am a Christian African/American female Bi-polar Empath and he is a Lebanese Shia Muslim Narcissist…can it get any crazier than that? Some of his cray cray is his patriarchial customs, but most is Narcissistic fuckery

  6. Christine says:

    I’m giggling. This is so overly dramatic. And kind of… skewed. That figures though, doesn’t it?

  7. Susan says:

    Singing my life with your words…except…I have studied you and I mess with my narc as bad as he does me but I am sometimes afraid he might get physical. I am going to have an audio consultation with you once I get the spare money. Get this, I am African-American Christian Bi-polar Supernova Empath and he is Lebanese Shia Muslim Narcissist and my boss (so you know this is a patriarchial,narcissistic, bi-polar nightmare)at my weekend job and we have been on this rollercoaster for 5 years. But I wasn’t empowered as much until this year when I realized the Narc.I thought it was his customs or something at first. I mean I kind of figured him out very early on but he’s waited many years to show me his dark side. We also have never slept with each other (thank God) but he wants me around him everyday at his business afterbI leave my real job and then all day on Saturdays. Too much to tell I need a consultation. I am going to GOSO but I can’t get out of my lease until next year so I play along until I can go where he can’t find me

  8. Digital Detractor says:

    Absolutely amazing article. So good and spot on I had to read it twice.

  9. Jasmine says:

    Now I can’t “like” anything. And I THINK I’m missing random posts
    Anyhoo. .
    Excellent article πŸ‘πŸ‘ŒπŸ˜˜πŸ˜πŸ’•πŸ’– .. I “like” it πŸ€£πŸ™ƒ

  10. KelleBell says:

    No, thank you! I’d rather be alone than draw another narc into my world. No offense, HG.

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