Hidden Engagement



How many times have you stood outside the study door and pressed you ear against the door in the hope of hearing something? Many times I would wager. You press it closer and close your eyes as if shutting off one sense might just aid another. Is that our voice you can hear? It is difficult to tell as the frenetic and anxious beating of your heart causes the blood to roar in your ears and you cannot tell if that is us speaking in a low murmur, the sound of a television or the incessant hum of the technology on the other side of this portal. Are we speaking to someone or is that now the clack of the keyboard as our fingers glide across it? What is it that we are doing beyond this door? Your hand reaches out to the handle but you know that it is pointless. The door will be locked. It was not long after we began these night time residences in the study that a lock was fitted and you have never seen the key. The room is always locked when we are in it. The room is always locked when we are not in it. You have no access. You once went to find a ladder, determined to peer in through the window and see what lies within. Strange thoughts of witnessing bizarre experiments flicked through your mind, visions of some hybrid beast chained and caged, a monster yet to be unleashed, yet as you looked up you could see that the blinds had been closed. Once again we had out strode you.

Even if a locked door did not bar your access you know that as soon as you began to open the door we would appear at it, face filling the crack, bodyweight behind it preventing you from pushing it open any further, our suspicious face blocking you from seeing what lay within. We soon ushered you away, muttering about having important work to do. You made kind noises, suggesting that we worked too hard and inviting us to allow you ingress so you might massage our shoulders but your suggestion did not even merit a reply as the door was shoved shut once again. You shall not pass might as well have been etched on the timber.

Now you walk past, the cold blue light leaking from underneath the door, evidence of the technology at work inside. You always pause and contemplate what we could be doing. What is it that engrosses us to such a degree that we are preoccupied inside this place nearly every night, from after dinner until late. You gave up trying to stay awake for our eventual appearance in bed. Now, you awake in the night and find that we have magically appeared beside you, having soundlessly and lightly entered the room and climbed into bed. Occasionally you have debated looking for the key as we slept and trying to access our place of refuge but you have come to fear and dread the backlash from such clandestine behaviour as it as if we sleep with one eye open. We always catch you when you start to play us at our own game, with sneaking about and covert activities.

Truth be told you have no idea what goes on when we indulge in our night life. You may be told we are working or enjoying watching a film in peace, without the interruption of children, animals, telephones or you. There just might be a film on in the background but the only work that is being undertaken is of the plotting kind. We are busy tending to our growing kingdom of admirers as we flick between the first ‘phone, the second ‘phone and the computer. Technological tendrils radiate away from these devices as we scour the dating sites, pick up the previous evening’s flirtations with someone with an inviting user name and bat back and forth the messages with a new prospect on Facebook. Our inbox bulges with the fruit of our nefarious labours, the computer screen contains an array of different tabs and notifications as the world of social media lights up the monitor. Messages, emoticons and pictures cascade towards us as we drink up this fuel. We reply to text messages, plan arrangements to meet, indulge in sending sexual snares to capture a willing victim and requesting plenty of pictures to send to the hard drive which is attached to the computer. The heat from these exchanges would readily power the house for a week. You may hear a film but it will not be the latest block buster or some critically acclaimed production. Instead we will be staring glassy eyed at the naked figures which contort for out imagined direction. Our fingers grip the mouse and with each click we delve deeper and deeper into the vast array of pornography, our tastes becoming ever more extreme and dangerous. Some nights we might spend ten seconds watching one piece of footage before our eyes are drawn to a more enthralling thumbnail beneath which we dutifully click on. Then another and another. We watch everything but see nothing as we flit like a butterfly from one porn site to another, dancing across the categories, inserting our own searches as we seek that elusive hit that satisfies us. Our eyes widen as an e-mail arrives and we immediately open it, delighting in the messages we can see racking up on our ‘phones. We are gorging on flirtation, infidelity and voyeurism. Like a glutton we cannot get enough as we stuff ourselves with the fuel that flows from so many supply lines. As we do so our thoughts drift to you lying alone, no doubt wondering what we are doing and we allow ourselves a smile as we savour that drop of negative fuel, imagining your discomfort and loneliness.

It begins as an hour after dinner. Then two. Soon external appointments start to be discarded and avoided in order to make a return to the mothership and plug in to all of the waiting admirers in chatrooms, across the internet and in cyberspace. Soon the entire evening is given over to this pursuit and then it bleeds into the early hours until we are still sat wired and fuelled, clicking and surfing as the first rind of dawn can be seen on the horizon. This is our nightlife.

15 thoughts on “Hidden Engagement

  1. Kathy Mor says:

    As usual: accurate. My ex-father-in law. He would lock the door and would never immediately open it if we knocked. When asked why he was locking the door, he would angrily stare at us (for my amusement) and state in a solemn way that he had private work files, more specifically CIA files, and that was certainly information that he couldn’t risk us looking at.
    Sure, that lady with a fist up her butt is certainly private CIA files on Internet. 🤣
    He never slept. I always wondered how the man could keep going like that until he stroked. Then I figured he was also oblivious to other issues.

    My ex narc…. constantly tired… to the point he will sleep wherever he stops. I knew he was awake at night and I knew what he was up to. I learned the signs and symptoms from my ex father in law…

    I never understood how these guys could go on like that, until I figured they were getting mental fuel from those practices.
    My ex also stroked, twice, no visible residuals. Last time I saw him, he was equally tired which tells me he is back fueling now that the disengagement happened.

    1. wissh says:

      Omg, he was CONSTANTLY tired and would occasionally complain of feeling week. Yes he worked 9-6 ish everyday, but he’d also spend entire weekend in bed to “recuperate”!
      Ugh. The more I read the sicker I feel. But stronger, oh so much stronger.

      HG, if your once intimate primary told you what a disgusting piece of shit you are, would you feel any shame? Or is that just fuel?

      1. HG Tudor says:

        It is just Challenge Fuell, Wissh, no shame whatsoever because of course I know she is lying.

  2. Supernova DE says:

    HG, does the escalation of these behaviors snap back to “baseline” when giving IPPS a respite period? Thank you.

    1. HG Tudor says:


  3. Valkyrie says:

    I know the article is about consuming fuel and feeling full. But it’s like stuffing candy into your mouth instead eating a healthy meal.

    It feeds the body, but does not nourish the soul.

    1. wissh says:

      Does he have a soul? For that matter, what is a soul?

  4. Alex says:

    I remember well….. now I look at my Ex-Narc who is a colleague of mine working in the same company: red-eyed, with grey face, looking old and tired… I am the only one who knows what he did last night. This terrible creature. And when I look at him, it is ME to gain fuel from it. Delicious fuel, because finally I am free and whenever I see him, I am reminded of what I have gained leaving this creepy sexual addict.

    1. Kathy Mor says:

      You “stole” my thoughts and so did Valkyrie about the candy analogy!!!! I wrote about it last week and I will post it in my blog. They are like a funnel. Hollow and empty. Gathering this fuel in and not noticing it leaks out or not caring that it leaks out because they know where to go to get more. Quantity versus quality. Variety. Added to this their denial that their health will not get affected. That three hours of sleep in two days will do it. In fact, do you want to upset a narc? Talk to him about his health problems. I work in the healthcare field. The most difficult patients to deal with are narcissists and alcoholics (which usually go hand in hand) because they will deny everything and their fury usually gets them under restraints, physical and chemical. Some look possessed when they find themselves at 4. restraints, spitting, kicking, yelling, cussing.
      They will evade the subject… and “forget” that crucial visit to the doctor… which brings them to my unit.
      My job security (dark humor here).
      Seriously, they won’t take in the information and if you try to make them see it… be prepared to 4. restraints and emotional meltdowns.

      Their physical exhaustion and inability to break out of those behaviors eventually puts a toll on them, as they age. So what you see is the vampire being drained from his own fuel. It goes into this hollow space within them and disappears into air. A black hole within their soul.
      It is sad because you keep trying to find hints of what was a person and now it has become “this”. And you can’t help them. It does require divine intervention, if you believe in such things. We, humans can’t help them. No mental health can help them. Only they can help themselves, IF they want to, and then by accepting honest input from people who they manage to trust, maybe maybe. But their disease is so serious and so ingrained in the core of who they are that it is a constant tornado within. They focus on running from the pain… the pain they inflict is just a mirror of the pain they have inside, bury deep beyond the facades. The ego. The anger for have being injured as if they are superior and should never have been treated like that…
      and that is why I always say: it may take lives. It may take losses. It may take excruciating pain for these individuals to break through. For some, it will be a long journey… within themselves. A lonely journey.
      A greater has better chances of recovery in a long run, in spite of his or her greater capacity. Because of their higher cognitive level and awareness of who they are, they can rather figure this out quicker and once these folks figure this out, they are done with their own narcissism. Their charism and power will only grown. This will be elevated people, greater people who are so powerful as to raise above their ego and step on it to go higher and higher in a spiritual sphere. Trust my words. The lessers and middle ranges will take much longer to reach any light due to their level of cognition. Yet the mid range has glimpses of what could be. Just can’t get himself or herself to sacrifice short term gains.

      1. wissh says:

        Hi Kathy, I’m a NP and can’t say I’ve ever encountered one that I was aware was one. Maybe it depends on one’s specific field.
        I’ve come to understand so much in a week of reading but there’s also still so much to fully grasp. It’s difficult to read without doing so through my own rose tinted glasses. Am I to understand that you think Greaters can fix themselves? Because one of the things I actually struggle with, and HG hasn’t really answered for me because it seems to apply to him too, is why my exnarc can be genius brilliant, with a logical, literal mind, and successful career in a field that uses it, and yet not have the power to heal himself. The man has never had an alcoholic drink in his life because he decided early on that he was predisposed to alcoholism because his dad was one, and he wouldn’t allow that to happen because his brain was his greatest asset. And yet sex and porn addiction? In fact, in one of HG’s books or articles I read they don’t even like sex except as a means to an end. So what’s with all the sleepless hours online? While constantly being tied. He’s 60, and it’s definitely impacting his health now.
        Ugh, so much left to learn and understand. Thanks for reading.

        1. NarcAngel says:

          HG’s book Sex and the Narcissist is excellent and will clear up any questions you have regarding their sex “addiction”, porn, and intimacy issues. I think its required reading for anyone who is/was in an intimate entanglement.

        2. Kathy Mor says:

          Hi wissh,
          No I don’t think greaters can “fix” themselves. I don’t think it is about fixing. It is about evolving. I believe that they have better chances to improve, to lessen some of those malignant traits than the others. Consequently, they are more capable to interact and experience more on our side than the others because of their higher cognitive function. They look to the other side of the fence and they can see that there are other ways to get what they need via positive and healthier ways. It is a capacity to become aware of certain intrinsic and vital things that the other two types don’t have.
          I believe that because of their superior awareness, intelligence, higher cognitive level, and better understanding of themselves. They are not purely instinct guided as the lessers and the mediocre cognitive aware mid range. They are usually refined and their thinking is sophisticated; therefore, they can realize things the others are not capable of…. that’s why they are so lethal.
          But exactly because they hold this capacity, if they were to decide to improve, they would be better candidates than the others. Of course, this is from someone who is looking at them through the glass because they would need help in the process… if not they would get caught in the vicious mental cycle again.
          Now… THEY have to realize that possibility somehow. Otherwise, it is a waste of time and energy because if they don’t want to, they won’t do it. So that alone is a gigantic slippery concrete wall to anyone who thinks that they are so pretty, so smart, so amusing, so seductive and so special that she or he could bring about that change.

          NO. This is the narcissist with him or herself. Unless he or she is somehow forced into it.

          The way I look at it is that the wound in their personality was so deep and so painful that they created all these twisted protections to defense themselves and the emotional isolation brought about this “desperate” need for fuel, human feel, human feelings and emotions that it is the display of what they feel and need inside. Fast emotional metabolism burning whatever they get in. That is why they need constant fuel.
          It is an addiction. As the alcohol effect lessen after sometime and the alcoholic resorts to prescribed meds and/or illegal drugs so does the narc when the their current fuel gets weak or boring.

          Your guy is like my ex guy. My last narc never didn’t drink because he knew he wouldn’t stop, if he started it. But just like any addiction, that emptiness inside has to be filled with something else. For the narcissist, for the most part is people. They are addicted to people. They will do what they have to get it from people. They will love you, hate you, bed you, abuse you, beats you, heal you, “ love”you, hate you, cheat you… fuel! It is what they need and they are voracious.

          My ex husband was a alcoholic narcissist. Sex disgusted him. I could count in one hand how many times we had sex in an year, even during the time he was not drinking. Before he relapsed (and I divorced him), he did other things excessively to fill up the hole but eventually he fell prey to his own addiction.

          My is 60 too and the last time I saw him, he looked drained. Face was pale. Eyes were red. He looked wasted…. which was a turn off. Maybe that’s why I went grey stone without even knowing what it was….

  5. meh says:

    Hi HG,

    What kind of fuel would a Greater get from a Waif Borderline IPPS? Would it be possible for you to write about the intimate relationships between NPDs and BPDs?

    Many thanks for your work!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Since the individual is in the position of IPPS this means that the potency is very high. As to frequency and amounts, this depends on the nature of the interaction but it is likely to be often and huge.

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