We do not do things by halves. There is no magnolia adorning the walls where we live. Muzak does not play in the background and we never choose to eat vanilla ice cream. If it is neutral, if it is middle of the road and if it is sat on the fence we do not want to know. If it is bland you can forget about it, if something is inoffensive it is of no use to us and words such as unobjectionable, unprejudiced and unbiased are pointless.

We are not interested in fair or equitable and indifference is loathed by us. If you are uncommitted, open-minded, even-handed, detached and unaligned you are not performing as we want you to. Anything which smacks of being straight down the middle holds no interest for us because everything that we want has to be extreme. We want it ice cold or burning hot. Take our ignited fury for instance. When you pass comment on us or do something which is a criticism and you do so in an unemotional, detached and straightforward manner you may as well drive a spear into our hearts as this criticism wounds and burns. To counter it, our fury will ignite and then we retaliate by adopting the extreme. We may lash out at you, pouring scorn and labelling you with a medley of offensive and nasty words, designed to tear into you and cause you to sob. We may adopt the other extreme and provide you with our haughty and stand-offish cold fury, the icy glare and cold shoulder turned towards you. We live and flourish by extremes. There is never any settling for average. It is either feast or famine.

In the beginning, we must create a deluge of false affection as we lavish you with compliments and praise. The words come easily and these softly spoken or enthused exclamations (even our method of delivery adopts an extreme) are poured over you so you are drenched with our affection and love. You are drowning in desire, swamped by our seduction and buried beneath an avalanche of affection. You are given the expensive gifts, nothing cheap, nothing crass or tatty, only the finest and most delightful items are selected for you. You are regaled with tales of our achievements, our excellence and our brilliance. I was not player of the year once but four times. I am not just the highest biller in the department but the entire firm. My car is top of its range. I only ever eat organic, none of that fast processed food for me. My handkerchiefs are silk not cotton. I have three toothbrushes for morning, noon and night. I use four different skin products when I wash in the morning. You read War and Peace in a week? I did it in three days. I don’t just text message you once or twice each day, no, what would be the point of that? You receive a text tsunami. Impressed? You ought to be. That is how special you are and how sensational I am by being able to ping text after text your way and still be as hard-working as I am.

I don’t obey the speed limit, that is for ordinary people. When it is time to go out and party, you will always notice when my entourage and I have arrived. Just watch that bar bill escalate. Why have one partner when five can be juggled? Why gamble a hundred pounds when a thousand will win much more? Five star? I want five-star superior? I am the five-star combatant – the Admiral of the Fleet, Field Marshal and Marshal of the Air Force. Turn it up to eleven. Why a dozen guests? Make it two dozen. Let’s make a show, let’s make a splash, let’s push it further. I lead a life of excess. I engage in extreme behaviours. I never just talk, I either shout and rage or seductively whisper. I don’t get a cold, I have pneumonia and you had better look after me whilst I have it.

Not only do I cause you to soar to the heights, I also take you to the extreme depths. I freeze you out. I lambast you with acidic words. I take it away and send you tumbling towards rock bottom. Down, downwards I will cast you. I don’t just want you to cry, I want you to wail and scream. I don’t want you irritated by my behaviour, I want you to be angry, blowing a gasket, beside yourself with annoyance. I do not want you to be sad, I want you to be desolate. I do not want you to be unhappy, I want you to be mired in misery. High or low, it does not matter as long as it is not in the middle.

Why am I like this? Why does my kind and me never settle for okay or fine, but have to take it to outstanding or terrible? We do so because extreme means special. Extreme means superior. Extreme means you will take notice of me. I do not just fade into the background. I am not beige. I do not sink into a grey sea. I am impenetrable darkness and I am glorious light. I am not a steady monotone, for I am the heavy, resonant and sonorous bass and the tinkling angelic bells.

I am like this because nobody remembers the middle man, the middle ranking and the go-between. Neutral is nothing. I must be noticed. I must be admired. I must shock and awe. I must stand out, turn heads and be the topic of conversation, good or bad, it matters not so long as I am recognised. I must provoke, stimulate and arouse so I am always noticed and paid attention to. I must always take it as far as possible and the further again. Extreme is the only option available to me. How else am I going to fill this emptiness?


20 thoughts on “Extreme”

  1. Mine was superficially average like that, but the extremes showed up in other ways. For instance, he bought this unique Audi, the only one in the state of Texas, all while he stated that he needed to save money for retirement and how concerned he was about that.

    He had road rage over someone driving slowly or driving too close to his brand new car. OMG if something happens to that car. You will see him on the news. So, guys remember this posting: Audi car = psycho owner = killing spree = my narc.

    Family rage. Coffee rage. Weird rages. Many times, he call me to “vent” and he would scream, cuss, and blow up on the phone. I would get quiet because it was not about me, I could tell that much. It was about something that had happened. I could also tell that much. But the stuff that would come out of his mouth sometimes made no sense to me because there were things from the past, completely unrelated to what he claimed to be the reason for his fury. Of course, I intuitively knew that it was a build up and now everything was coming out at once.
    I heard him once. Twice. Three times. Then honestly, I started getting bored with. I felt my irritation growing after the 4th time. I was like… I don’t have time to sit here and listen to your screaming just because…. who does that shit?

    Of course I never said a word to him but I am pretty sure he sensed me because he stopped doing that. In the beginning, I would get quiet. Then he would eventually get quiet himself, then he would say:” are you still there?”
    and then I would say:” yes, I just don’t know what to say. I am listening.”
    He would apologize for taking out on me and that is it.
    He would sulk for a little while until he heard me saying: “I am sorry but I really don’t know what to tell you. I am sorry you are so upset. Is there anything I can do to make it better?”

    Of course: sex.

    Then he was fine again.

    In my logic, from the narcs I grew up with, when they are ranging, you get quiet or you get hurt. You better be smart and give to them what they are looking for at that moment until you can get away from the situation and disappear. If not, you will get hurt, physically.
    With him ranging on the phone?
    It was awkward.

  2. Funny, I’ve never seen “extreme” behaviors with my MMRN. Everything about him Is average. His job, his dress, his condo, his car, his intelIect, his bronze period. Mediocre. I have seen extremes with lessers and greaters though. Maybe he’s just a boring MMRN. Lol

    1. Mine was the same mediocre in every way however the extremes were there if you look for them, with him. Slept in freezing bedroom , things had to be ice cold or red hot (food, drinks). OCD rigid habits . Extreme reactions to things that might mildly annoy a normal person. Like road rage. I think the extremes are there even in the mundane if you observe closely enough . There’s loads I could mention with him but all of them would go under the radar or could be explained away. He’d always come up with some other person that does this or that , well that normal person might do this or that but they don’t do the 500 other things

      1. Lisa,

        I understand exactly what you mean. He had rigid habits as well and a new road rage story quite often. Somehow, I was never with him when the road rage stuff happened though which is odd.

  3. The narcissist that my husband had an affair with tried those extremes on him and it wouldn’t have taken long if I’d made him leave for her to drive him away. I thought about it. Just telling him to go be with her, because she knew nothing about him and that’s what he deserved. To go be with a narcissist who only saw him as a prize that she’d stolen from me, which I’m sure provided her incredible fuel when she thought he would divorce me. My husband is very desirable to a narcissist like her, a high-status catch being someone in the public eye, handsome, very nice…and someone else’s husband.

    She thought she could replace me. She said as much to me after he ended it and went no contact immediately. She sent me, in a few hours, dozens of texts telling me that he was passionately in love with her, that I’d never fit in with the circle we move in (she thought she’d usurped me), that he was only staying with me because of our son (he doesn’t really love you). On and on and on, each text uglier than the last.

    She thought that she could enrage me to the point that I would relinquish my husband and our life together. She didn’t count on him being horrified at the things she said to me, that he would be incredulous that he’d never seen this side of her when they were together. I saw it immediately and knew exactly what I was up against.

    The narcissist doesn’t always win.

      1. I am, we’ve been together for 20 years. I don’t find too many things in life unforgivable. If he’d been in love with her, I’d have divorced him. If he hadn’t cut off all contact, same.

        What I know of her doesn’t come from anything my husband has told me. It has ALL come from her behavior after he ended the affair, which went on actively for about a year and still continues covertly. Over the top insanity…I’m writing a book.

  4. HG, is it accurate to say that the greater the narc the more extreme the life and the emptier the person? Or do those things not correlate?

    I ask because MRN was flattered to be called a risk taker but the reality of his life was somewhat humdrum, which seemed to be why he sought excitement outside of it, though he also seemed to need the humdrum. I suggested that he was not living the life he wanted, which was not meant to criticize the life he had – he’d done a great job providing for his family – but rather to point out that he was not as great a risk taker as he thought he was. I see now that this might have wounded him, though it was not deliberate. But this is all a digression from the main question. It just made me think.

    1. The level of emptiness is the same for all of our kind, the difference is the ability to keep that emptiness at bay, which Greaters are far superior at doing.

      1. Got it. MRN once described his family life to me as a snow globe. Sometimes he wanted to be in it and other times out of it. I thought it was a weird analogy – like his family was a thing, an object stuck in amber, with little dancing people, puppies, Christmas trees and the like, surrounded by impermeable glass. Even when he was in it he was removed. Dissociative disorder. Memory loss would explain the weird sense of time, sense of being detached from oneself and emotions is obvious, multiple personalities. It’s close to schizophrenia. My niece studies neuroscience. I’m going to ask her about this.

  5. Is this because they feel inferior and less than and inadequate deep down , even though the facade is i’m entitled . Bearing in mind not all narcissists are physically attractive and successful and intelligent . The sense of entitlement and facade even with the loser types must mean that they feel less than , therefore must be in touch with this on some level in their delusional state . Secure confident people don’t need extremes . So they must feel inadequate . HG are you planning to write any updates regarding your therapy and where your at with that ? any time soon ? Your writings about those sessions are very educational , are those doctors surviving you ? 🤗

  6. Dear Mr Tudor,
    I’m ever so grateful for all your “behavioural” information you are sharing with us
    Rather than jumping in the “deep end” like I used to … I now test the water with my toes… very carefully, I might add … haha

    I have reflected on my narcs extremities …. they all possessed it by over compensating in most areas
    Growing up, everyone assumed my mum was “eccentric” (no one knew about narcissism)
    When she decided to move house without telling me .. she thought it a great joke and hilariously funny

    The weasel never did things by half measures … everything had to be bigger better greater than everyone else

    My uncle, my brother…. all possessed the “shock” value
    My step dad however (covert narc) ….. devious shock surprises surfaced after his passing …..very sneaky
    Thank for helping us to to be more aware and observe human behaviour under the microscope
    Luv Bubbles xx

  7. Extreme is all surface. Which makes it very boring.

    Are magnolias considered a dull thing to have outside the home in Britain? They aren’t in the states. Here, they’re associated with ideas about “The South”, for good and ill — both extreme.

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