Where Has He Gone?
The relationship had hit a rocky patch, albeit describing it as such would actually understate the manner in which our relationship has progressed as of late. It would be more accurate to describe it as a series of peaks and troughs. The devaluation began and the unpleasant behaviour has worsened. There have been peaks when we granted you respite from the denigration and abuse, the brief reinstatement of the golden period, before you were plunged once again into another trough of bewildering and upsetting treatment. Each descent seemed steeper and harsher than the preceding one. You hung in there, clinging on to the prospect of another glimpse of the golden period. Perhaps this time you would be able to hold onto it? After all, you must be doing something correctly mustn’t you if you can get the golden period to return? If only you could work out what was necessary to cause it to return and then for it to remain, then everything would be wonderful again. It is this eternal hope, which we rely on and that we stoke, which causes you to hold on even whilst you are being spun around, pushed and pulled and driven to despair.
This tumultuous period has persisted and then suddenly we have gone. We did not return when you expected us. The repeated telephone calls you have made have resulted in a ringtone but nobody answers. You have left repeated voicemail messages and you have sent numerous text messages, each with mounting desperation, begging and pleading for us to get in touch. You have called friends who have not been unable to assist in locating us. You even called the local police and hospital to ascertain if we had been arrested or we were being treated following a fall or a road accident, but those enquiries have drawn a blank as well. You have checked our online presence and there is nothing that shows any activity there since we disappeared. Messages do not even show as read. There is no indicator of us being online for over twenty hours now. It is as if we have vanished from the face of the earth.
People may regard this as the discard. This moment when we just cease all contact with you and disappear. It certainly feels like you have been discarded. As the hours turn into days and you still have heard nothing, you feel like we have just gone elsewhere without caring about telling you, providing you with some kind of explanation or even being concerned about the effect this disappearing act has had on you. Although this sudden cessation by our kind has gained popular description as the discard, a more accurate way of describing it would be to call it the pause.
This is because although we have vanished and we give the appearance of having ended the relationship, in our minds it has not ended. I have mentioned before that from the moment you are engaged by us, you have accepted an unwritten contract that you will be bound to us, in some way, until one of us dies. The nature of this binding, this connection will vary dependent on the various stages of the relationship. During seduction we will have many tendrils wrapped around you as we bind you tight to us and this continues during the golden period. The tendrils will unravel and then tighten again during the devaluation stage and then nearly all will release you when the “discard” occurs. You may not see us, you may not hear from us, you may have no contact at all with us, but in our mind there still remains some tendrils between us. A handful may still remain for the purpose of gathering fuel. Even though we cannot see your desperation and your despair, we know that this is what you will be experiencing and this provides us with fuel. Accordingly, there remains an intangible connection between us still. Even when those fuel tendrils loosen, it remains the case that there will be at least one left which will remain for however long is necessary before more tendrils come looking for you again as we unpause the hiatus and hoover you.
Accordingly, it may appear that we have discarded you but that is not actually the case. We have pressed pause so that we can halt that relationship. At some point we will return and press play again. You may have moved on in terms of your life, trying to heal and to piece things together again. We regard the relationship just as it was before we disappeared. That is why we often behave like nothing has happened. When we do re-appear we display an astonishing tendency to carry on as normal, as if the hiatus of months, maybe even years, did not actual happen. This is because from our perspective there has been no hiatus. We paused our dealings with you and now they can continue. Whatever else has gone on in between is irrelevant and does not need to be discussed. This capacity to behave in such a manner leaves you bewildered and amazed but this is entirely how we regard matters when we do such a disappearing act. All we have done is press pause and you are expected to be ready and waiting for when we come back and press play again.
So where do we go when this happens? The simple answer is that something shinier, brighter and more interesting has gained our attention. Just like how a child can be playing with building bricks and then when a toy with noises and flashing lights is waved under his or her nose, the child wants the new toy and immediately forgets about the reliable building bricks, we are the same. We will have been cultivating and courting this new toy and when we deem that it is superior to you we want to play with it all the time. We do not want to play with you anymore. When we seduced you, we made you feel like nothing else in the world mattered and you were the centre of our universe. This is now happening with your replacement. This more effective appliance has been chosen over you and in order to ensure that the seduction is totally effective and the fuel is obtained in huge amounts all attention must be focused on the new arrival. We will have moved between the two of you for a period of time (although you may not know this was happening) as we evaluated the prospects of the positive fuel from them against the continuing negative fuel from you. We enjoy receiving both but then the decision is made that the positive is going to be in copious amounts and therefore we switch to wanting this all the time and you are forgotten about, although not forever.
When this pause happens we will be concentrating on the new primary source of fuel that we have selected. The seduction had already begun. This is now the golden period for us and her. Just like the one you had. For this to continue the binding and the fuel provision all our efforts must be concentrated on her and not you. All resources are shifted to this front and you are forgotten about. It seems as if you never existed but we have not pressed stop. You do not get away that easily. We pressed pause so that you were shunted to one side so we could ensure that nothing got in the way of the coupling up with the new appliance. We will be taking them to places, whisking them away, spending lots of time at their house, just as we once did with you. That is where we have gone to. We have gone to someone else and have done it with the intensity and totality as we once did with you.
Do not despair however. We will be back to press play again. When might that be? You will be given no clue but the temptation of fresh hoover fuel will mean that pause becomes play, although it is more likely to feel like rewind to you as it all starts again.
42 thoughts on “Where Has He Gone?”
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Tappi, thank you. I have been here a lot lately because I come here to read instead of contacting my NX. It reduces my urge to talk to him, the reinforcement and interesting comments keep me on the straight and narrow.
There seems to be an influx of narcissistic behavior lately or maybe the news outlets are becoming more sensational. I like my news balanced, fact-based and without emotionally charged baiting, it’s hard to find these days.
This blog is a great resource and I am glad I found it. HG’s non-sugar coated glimpse into the reality and the mind of the narcissist really woke me up. I felt like I was in Oz seeing behind the curtain. The Great and Powerful Wizard of Oz is just an insecure man behind a curtain, boasting of his endless power and manipulating people. Wow, who knew we had such a great analogy of a narcissistic from a classic movie?
I love all the support and caring. We inspire and build each other up and help with the healing process. I appreciate everyone on here.
It is good to see you. I’ll eventually stop popping in here too when I am over the hump, but I will miss people on here. Right now I am with you on the onwards and upwards.
Love and hugs ❤Valk
Hey Valk
Thank you for your wishes….
I agree Narcsite is THE resource, tool, educator de rigueur for narcissism.
I agree with all of your comment above. The support network was a surprise! An unexpected bonus.
I can see myself visiting, reading and commenting here for a while yet. Not to the same obsessive extent as the first few months of reading though. I still have a few books of HGs to get through as well, I’ve read some, 6, but I’m not satisfied with the extent of my knowledge just yet.
I don’t share my own story much, quite guarded actually, and I feel stingy for not doing so, but I don’t share as I’m wary of my ex or perhaps his lieutenants or coterie, reading and recognising me. I’m not being paranoid. He knows my habits. He knows I will be reading good quality online as that is my way. He’s always on the internets (‘s’ intended) and HGs stuff will have undoubtedly come up in his searches. He was/is an insufferable snooper. We had many discussions about his narcissistic ‘tendencies’. Trusting my intuition on this…. and anything else it raises my alarm bells for!
We live in highly narcissistic times Valkyrie. Global politics is the perfect example. It’s frightening how many rule. There’s definitely an imbalance. Look at the state of the world and look at how many wield power and control… on all levels and arenas. I would argue it’s taken humanity a few centuries to get here but I despair we are past the point of no return. We live in a sick society. From global to local. A society that was founded in lies in the first place. Authenticity, sincerity and integrity are rare.
Complicated problems….. simple solutions? Could it really be that easy? That would be nice but now I’M not being realistic.. hehe
I’m off to listen to Susan Cain’s talk on the power of introverts. Always lifts my mood. Excellent book too.
I notice great insight into humanity in the comments of yours I’ve read Valkyrie…. I come and go here so miss many comments…. I seem to reach a saturation point here and then stop visiting and reading for a bit. I have to, otherwise I can’t move onwards…. trying for upwards real hard.
Tappi, I agree with you on global politics. Everything is so polarizing right now. People are picking sides instead of finding commonalities and effective listening.
I am hopeful we can get leaders that have integrity and are diplomatic, caring and respectful. I will definitely be voting.
Thoughts and feelings…..
Why is it so hard to block him? To go no contact?
I should and I know it would be right thing to do. To protect me. I deserve that. He can’t have me. I’m worth more.
But I don’t want to give up on him. Maybe he doesn’t have anyone else who truly cares like I do. I keep telling myself he doesn’t care, but sometimes even that does not convince me enough. Its almost like I’m willing to accept he does not care, that he wants to go elsewhere for fuel. Of course he does, he gets bored, and needs it.
Its OK that he is there one day, or for a while, then he disappears. Because some of him is better than none isn’t it? I don’t want to lose him completely.
You can make yourself get used to the situation. You can actually start to think its actually not so bad, because after all they will come back again won’t they? They always do. You just have to be patient, and a good girl right?!
It is amazing what you can convince yourself of and what you are willing to put up with, especially if you already have been abused in your life. It kinda almost feels normal. Like how it should be. And anyway it would be too much if they were around all the time right?
Your own inner abuser/voice will tell you, that you don’t deserve to be loved anyway do you? You never have been, so why are you hoping to be now? Surely that’s just silly, fantasy, and fairytale stuff and this is as good as it will ever get right? You should be lucky a guy like him even takes interest in you.
You only feel whole again, when they are speaking, or messaging you, or with you, and that’s what you live for. You live for those times, and its just like any other drug out there. But you dare almost try not to feel it too much when its good and they are there because you know its going away soon. You try to hide the pain, but when they are gone, you feel like everything else is just pointless and like cardboard.
You can convince yourself that they must feel something otherwise why would they look at me the way they do and say the things they do, and keep contacting me. Actions speak louder than words do they not? They must feel something. I know he loves it when I make him feel like this or that!
Maybe if I stay around long enough they will start to care or miss me, or even love me? Its there, they just don’t want to show it, and it will come in time…. Won’t it?
I just have to be patient and not upset them right?
I’m not too fussed, and I can deal with this situation….I have it all under control….
Its not like I need him or even love him….its just a bit of fun. And we all need that don’t we?
Its only as serious as you make it….
I seriously can’t stop thinking about him….
Brilliant!
HG, do you think that the anniversary of the disengagement can trigger a hoover? My NC is robust but not foolproof. This, I need to be alert if need be.
* thus
Potentially but I regard it as low risk.
Thanks.
This article provides a brilliant crystal clear explanation .
I have one tendril in me still and last night I chopped it off.
Tomorrow is my birthday HG and I blocked him so as to protect myself from a possible Hoover.
I will follow your great advice to the letter HG.
It’s the only way to heal .
Happy Birthday, Kiki!! May it be narc-free!
❤️🎈🎊🎉🎁🎂🎁🎉🎊🎈❤️
Happy Birthday, Kiki!
Dearest Kiki,
Sending you many happies and warmest of birthday wishes
Celebrate 🎉 in style precious 🍾🥂🎂🎈💝
Luv Bubbles xx
Awwh thank you so much Ladies ,it’s very sweet of you .
Xx
Happy Birthday Kiki! ❤
Happy Birthday Kiki!
Wishing you much happiness and success this year.
Does the same apply if you have been given a reason for the relationship being over? In my case that he had no emotional attachment to me, that it wasn’t fair to continue the relationship as I had feelings for him, and that he has now moved on with someone else (who he apparently does have feelings for). Is it likely that he will still attempt a return at some point?
There is a risk, yes, the extent of the risk depends on many factors.
Thank you for your response H.G.
HG~ why am I so obsessed as to find out who he has replaced me with? I’m not jealous, because I know how he is when the mask is off but I want to know who he replaced me with. How do I overcome this?
It is emotional thinking and the impact of your truth seeker and justice traits. Consult with me and I will get you past it.
Thank you. I will be consulting you HG.
I look forward to you doing so.
What is we exposed you and/or told you exactly what you are, slapping you, and calling you out?
Challenge Fuel. Expect your ‘rebellion’ to be put down.
HG, surely you’ve been slapped by an intimate partner. If so, she must have had some nerve! Has it happened? What was the outcome?
No.
I’m glad. You did say you date smart ladies. Would take a stupid (or really mad) one to slap THE HG. Plus, they love you so much, right?
Yup the demon returned 4 days ago
He did send me a heart in a text and told me literally “Rewind” smh ! HA i’m pissed today .
I got a heart from mine recently myself! Smh
Uh oh not good ! Run 🤗
Bubbles can help you with some narcspray !
I feel like when a someone is looking for a new relationship, they pick fights. I guess in terms s of narcissistic behavior, it is negative fuel.
I feel like in order to justify in their heads that the other person derserves to be discarded, they find things wrong with them. Things that would have been previously ignored when painting someone white and making them into the perfect person.
Normals do it when they justify cheating. They find new or old flaws with their partners and use it as jet fuel to propel them into the next relationship. “See, she isn’t right for me. She nags. She doesn’t like baseball. She never cooks for me anymore. The sex is stale.”
That way they don’t have to feel guilty about cheating on the other person. Some people go as far as to think God put the new person in their life. They are “perfect” for them, a soulmate. This of course wears off most of the time, which is why the affair relationship rarely lasts once it is fully committed to. Once you live with the new shiny toy, you see they have cracks and blemishes just like everyone else.
I think normals and narcs have a lot in common.
Yea , we all have narcisstic traits . Normals just don’t have a whole personality disorder .
Dear DoForLuv,
“Fly spray” works just as well for annoying pests 😂
I think I agree with you Valkyrie.
I certainly like this style of your writing.
More realistic, less care bear.
Thanks Tappi, I’ll always be a care bear, but I am trying to do better at protecting myself.
As DebbieWolf says, Discernment.
You are right Valkyrie
That is why I get confused, if they really are narcs or normals with lots of narc traits, in the start or the middel of any relationship or friendship. At my work everyone has narc traits, and as not everybody can be narc, I assume they are normals, except two of them. As these two openly tell that they don’t have empathy and tell about their abusive parents and grandparents. Females are more open about their private lives. I have only worked With females thus I don’t know how males behave at work Place.
Hi Valkyrie! I agree that imaginary enemy lines are created when someone wants to rationalize why they don’t want to be with their partner anymore, especially if there is someone new waiting for them. Or it can happen with friendships too. That is why sometimes, it is still hard for me to decipher if it makes someone a true narc who is doing the devaluing. Obviously if someone (even a normal person) wants to distance themselves from a person they are close to, instinctively they will have selfish, narcissistic behaviors come forward but that doesn’t mean they have full blown NPD.