Whore

 

Tell me, what is it like to be such a whore? How does it feel? Are you proud of yourself? Are you pleased with what you have become? Are your parents proud of what their son or daughter has done with their life, to become this thing that prostitutes itself so regularly and with no sense of shame? If only they knew eh? If only they knew the lengths, you go to in order to get what you want. It must be a shallow existence don’t you think? Knowing that nobody truly likes you, that all of the love, affection, friendship, kindness and gratitude has to be bought and paid for. What an empty life that must be? I know you are very good at it. I will give you that. You are a professional when it comes to performing this role. I must admit that I sometimes watch with a strange kind of, well, I suppose it is respect isn’t it? Yes, respect for the way that you work your role. You know what to say don’t you? Those words come easy to you but they should because you have used them often enough on other people. You are a serial offender if the truth be told and that is why the epitaph of whore is so fitting. You know just what to say to get what you want. You know when to say it, what to say and how to say it, just like a hooker parading her wares in a window in Amsterdam. You have worked out your best side, your most beguiling stance and you have them come flocking, every time. I am impressed by it; I have to say. You make it seem so real. You fooled me, there was no doubt about it. You have used your experience and you are experienced, to heighten the sensation so it is better than anything else. It is probably better than the real thing. I know you are just going through the motions but I am wise to you, I would be a fool if I was not, but there are countless of them out there who will fall for it time and time again. You won’t be going out of business, not at all. You will have a steady stream of those willing to have sugar poured in their ear, hear those honey-coated words tumble from those oh so inviting lips. And the promises, oh the promises. So difficult to resist, so inviting, so exciting. They clamour for your attention in the end. I find it odd in a way because you are selling yourself but you don’t actually have to sell yourself do you? They come to you. They flock in their droves, lured by your siren call and you always deliver. You always give them exactly what they want. You did that with me. You knew what I wanted and you provided it for me, in spades. It was sensational and you got me hooked so I didn’t want it from anyone else. That is pretty powerful.

I wish I knew how it felt though. How does it feel to live like this? How does it feel knowing that everything is a show, a performance and it isn’t real? What is it like being so shallow? Do you even care? Perhaps you don’t, after all you are getting what you want aren’t you? Well we both are actually so we should both be delighted with it, but why is it that I am not? Why is it that I feel used? I thought I was the one who was in control, I thought I was the one who was calling the shots and yet I always seem to surrender that control to you. I thought I was the one who got to play the tune and you danced to it but then it doesn’t always work that way does it? I wish I could work out why that was. You make me feel like you at times, or at least you make me feel how I imagine you feel, cheap, used, dirty, a whore.

I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. This is all you know isn’t it? This is how you have had to adapt, how you have to ensure you survive by getting people to do what you want, to make them like you, to make them adore you and love you. I wonder how long you will carry on like this? Is this the way it is always going to be? Is this you are consigned to do for the rest of your life, seeking a way through the vagaries of your existence by always doing what the other person wants. You need to please don’t you? That’s how you survive. You exist only through the permission and desires of the others. You may think you wield the power, you may think that pleasure, absolute please, joy, ecstasy and delight are within your gift but you are beholden to provide those things because if you do not then you are nothing. You are nothing. Nothing without me. Nothing at all. I made you who you are, you need me although you will tell me that I need you. Perhaps we need one another? I don’t like to think that is the case because I have to be the one that makes the decisions, pulls the strings and gets what I want. I dictate and you react. That’s the way it is isn’t it?

So, you carry on doing what you do best. Carry on imagining that people really do love you, that people really do like you and that they want to be with you because you are so wonderful and delightful. It is your performance that they want and you had better not forget that. You had better remember that you are beholden to their desires. You dance to the tune and he who pays the piper plays the tune. Everybody pays though don’t they? The payment is what it is all about and you always make sure you get paid. You are never short-changed, ripped off or discounted. You won’t do anything without extracting your payment and you make sure you get full value for your endeavours don’t’ you? Nothing for free. Everybody pays. Nothing because you want to do it or feel you should. It is all about the payment. That is all you want, the payment for yourself.

Whore.

I hate you.

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36 thoughts on “Whore”

  1. Pingback: PUTTANA
  2. It is funny at the end of this post when he says, “I hate you.” Ha HaHa. Children tend to say this when they are in their teens. But, I understand that it is not funny at all coming from a “soulmate”, or coming from Mom or Dad. Then, it is very painful. But, it just made me giggle when Mr. Tudor said it. I hope this is okay. I’m not really sure.

  3. I often feel very angry and severly hurt about the fact that my NX was with so many other women behind my back.

    I don’t know if he even felt guilty. I often wonder what goes through a narcs head when he is jumping from one women to the other. Of course he said he was drunk, but as I reminded so him many times, when he eventually sobered up, he could have done the right thing.

    Women put their lives on hold for him for years, waiting on a fake future. A fabrication. A lie. So much time wasted that they could have spent loving someone else who would treat them with dignity amd respect.

    1. Valkyrie, I discussed this very question when I talked to ‘my narcissist’ about what he felt when he was with other women and he clearly told me that whenever he was with someone else, in that very moment, he would ‘zone out’ and be so focused on whoever he was with that he would not think of me (or anything else), he even told me he felt no guilt when cheating.There was no space for misunderstanding in that matter as his response was as honest and clear-cut as it could be. Plus, he said he felt justified in doing so with regards to either my own perceived ‘shortcomings’ and failures or that of any other intimate primary source he was with.

      I believe that whenever your narc claims that he was drunk he is actually evading accountability for his conscious decisions and for cheating on you.

      1. Thank you saskia, I very much agree with you. He did have a lot of excuses for his behavior. Very little personal accountability.

        He actually said once, “I am just nice to women, if they fall in love with me, it is not my fault.”

        Being “nice” to them included saying he loved them, buying them engagement rings, planning a future together, saying things like, “I need to meet your kids because I am going to be their new daddy” and professions of love and romance, and tattoos.

        Thank you for sharing your experience. Means a lot.

        ❤Valk

  4. “Nothing because you want to do it or feel you should. It is all about the payment. That is all you want, the payment for yourself.”

    This reminds me the movie “The Break-Up”. Where Jennifer Aniston is cleaning up after a party and her boyfriend is sitting in the couch. She wants him to help her, not because she is nagging, but because he wants to make her happy.

    Gary: “Fine, I’ll help you do the damn dishes.”

    Brooke: “I don’t want that. I want you to WANT to do the dishes.”

    Gary: “Why would I want to do dishes?”

  5. The only person who ever called me this way was my mother. I was seventeen and started dating my first boyfriend….future husband.

    1. Same here Abrokenwing. My Darth mother called me a whore once because I went to eat a hamburger with my boyfriend of that time, his brother and my sister and did not go to an event she wanted me to go. That was the day I said “enough” and left her house. She never thought I would react like that.
      Your comment made me remember that.

    2. Abrokenwing
      This makes me sad. My mother also called me a whore before I knew what a whore was or even had a first date.

      1. I’m sorry, Wiish, so did my mom. My mother also told me she hated me, but only when she was intoxicated… which was pretty much always.

    3. Sorry, aBrokenWing. No one, especially a child, deserves to hear such terrible things from their parents.

    4. abrokenwing
      I can relate. My mother has called me every name in the book. I was a whore and a slut when I was a virgin.

      1. Nika – Survival
        If we all hugged HG in person I am sure he will like it. A ton of positive fuel! HG, no offence but I am not sure I would want to approach you at all. Sometimes physical distance means everything.

      2. I can imagine all of us together (1,000, or more), slowly walking out of the fog, upon HG, with our arms outstretched, approaching him… coming in for that one time “group hug”… then I imagine seeing the face of that gun staring back at us (in the post “Shoot You Down”). His bullets hug us back. Bam! Bam! Bam! Group Hug!

      3. Brokenrainbow, 🌈

        You made me laugh, too, when I read your laugh…ha haha 😊😋

      4. We could get a Look-A-Like male Barbie Doll, HG Tudor, and hug him. Or, HG video game, and send him on missions.

        The video game could be created in a way in which we each would be allowed to play out our own desired outcome for/with him!

        (PS4, please).

  6. So many things in this article…beautiful juxtaposition.

    The narc, the empath, the creature. Speaking to each other or themselves.

    “Those words come easy to you but they should because you have used them often enough on other people.”

    So many others. Saying such serious things to each of us. Sacred, special things. Not just sexually charged words, but serious relationship words. Words about love. You are the only one. I love you so much.

    “You make it seem so real. You fooled me, there was no doubt about it. You have used your experience and you are experienced, to heighten the sensation so it is better than anything else. It is probably better than the real thing.”

    Practiced on so many people. I feel totally interchangeable with anyone of them. Do you even see me?

    “Nothing because you want to do it or feel you should. It is all about the payment. That is all you want, the payment for yourself.” Fuel.

  7. Oh that word “Whore”. While I was so used to being called that it was mostly a hooker or skank. I got to the point I would screen shot the definition and being called such names. It stopped for a while because I pointed out how stupid he sounded calling me something that didn’t make sense.

  8. Oh HG ..I am beginning to think you are telepathic .. I was just putting laptop off to go to bed whilst thinking (after the social media harem performance tonight ) ..thinking I cant do this anymore I will not be part of a harem !! and I read your words !! ..Thankyou HG I will go read till my eyes close Goodnight mind reader ? 😉

  9. HG, what does it mean if someone who is narcissistic wants you to call him “a dirty whore” or a “slut”?

    If he says “Make me your dirty whore, your slut.”

    1. He wants the negative fuel that arises from this and is entering control over you by appearing to relinquish control to you.

      So pull his hair, slap on the strap on, give him what for oh and leave without paying.

  10. Its funny i was just thinking about this one the other day. This is so true and im constantly questioning myself on whose the whore? Not just in the narc dynamic but life in general.
    For instance my narc boss of 11 yrs and i get along very well. I mind my own business and do the best job i can and am polite as well as show an interest in their life. They love talking about their life and certain aspects of it. I guess in a way im catering to this narc ego and acquiring benefits. I dont feel its completely hypocritical bc id show others the same interest but knowing what i do about narcissists has given me a direct advantage to not only get along but advance in many regards. Ive stayed at their vacation resorts numerous times and have had promotions. On the flip side ive seen the callous side to this person and how cold they could be to those theyre locked horns with. Ive had to maneuver such not to get involved with said people despite the fact i feel badly for their jnfair treatment. In the workplace its easy to feel like the whore when youre not 100% authentic to who you are outside of work.

    1. Good job Chihuahuamum
      Under the terms of the Narcissistic Relationship you belong to your boss forever and therefore you are not permitted to choose another workmate/colleague over your boss.

      You are a compliant and well-fueling appliance so you will continue to be painted white for your loyalty and receive promotions and vacations at resorts as part of the elongated golden period afforded to you, by virtue of your position as NISS in their fuel matrix, as well as, the facade maintenance program that you involuntarily signed up for.

      Keep up the good work!

      1. Hi k…not sure how to take your post but that is not who i am. Its called survival in the workplace. If i were to be completely myself i might as well look for another job.
        On the flipside ive never put myself in a situation where ive been asked to do the bosses dirty work. Maybe its luck but theres been a balance there. No im not owned. I just know what they are and even before i knew specifically about narcissism i had to try my best to get along with this person.

      2. Chihuahuamum
        Sorry about the ambiguity. I was practicing my cognitive narcissism with you and I would do exactly the same thing as you, if I were in your position; it is survival. I understand why you feel badly and I don’t think you are a whore.

        Your comment made me think of The Narc and Gifts (vacation resort)
        1. Gifts of Seduction (the NISS gets the elongated seduction)
        2. Creation of debt

        From our perspective, you are not owned, however, from the Boss’s perspective you are an appliance and you are owned.

        In the future when you read my comments, I may be demonstrating the perspective of the narcissist so you understand where I am coming from.

      1. Hi kelly….no i am most certainly not a lietenant!! I dont back stab people to get ahead not my style.

      2. Hi Chihuahuamum,
        I’m glad to hear that, and I like your reply to K too. I don’t know that much about lieutenants, but I know they spend a lot of time listening to narc nonsense and being yes men to them even if, you can tell, they don’t agree. That you distance yourself from a victim I’m glad to hear is only for survival. I have a stupid instinct of standing up to anyone for justice, but I think you’re probably right on that one. I wonder how you would get out of it if they were to expect you to do something for them, but maybe you’re painted so white they won’t ever ask you to dirty yourself that way. Great advice on getting along with them, as mine is at the workplace too!

      3. Hi kelly…sorry this is delayed. Thats an interesting question about how id get out of being put in a position where im asked to do something i feel is wrong or dont want to do. That is entirely possible and could happen. It hasnt yet. I think its dependant on many factors and the type of work environment. I get along well but i also keep a certain amount of distance meaning i will chat with the narc about their life and show intetest which isnt an act i do take interest in others lives but i never get too personal. I dont discuss personal problems or get into gossip. Ive never put myself in that category where im open to cutting people down behind their backs. The narc boss has and ill usually find a way to leave the conversation. It sets the so called boundary that im not open to that. With narcs there are no boundaries but so far its worked. Its not to say one day this will not happen. People with npd are unpredictable. I have managed to stay on their good side but i dont think one moment they trust me fully bc they never trust anyone.

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