The Errors of the Ignorant – No. 2

 

LET HIM GOBUT TELL HIMYOU WILLALWAYS BE THEREFOR HIM

A series based on the comments made by people who fail to understand the true nature of narcissists and the narcissistic dynamic. Whilst these comments may be well-intentioned, they are incorrect, perpetuate misunderstandings and in many cases create false hope, dashed expectations and perilous outcomes.

‘Let him go but tell him you will always be there for him.’

I have seen this advice given when an individual has been entangled with our kind. The victim has endured the push and pull behaviour of being told that they are not good enough for us as they suffer the devaluation. They cling on and then a Respite Period occurs. Thus they think that their indefatigable approach has caused the return of the golden period. Ultimately, its return is down to us and our decision and not about what you have done. It might be that an external source, such as an Intimate Partner Secondary Source has infuriated us and therefore they have been devalued and therefore to create the contrast, we have given you the golden period again through the imposition of a Golden Period. You might have done something especially impressive through the provision of positive fuel to cause it to return as you have outfuelled your (unknown) rival or rivals. Whatever it was, the decision is down to us.

Accordingly, this on then off, this push then pull, this up and down, in and out behaviour has left a victim totally puzzled as to what is going on. The narcissist may have said such things as

“This is not working, I need space.”

“Perhaps if we have time apart this will bring us closer together again.”

“I need space to clear my thoughts.”

“You are putting me under pressure and I do not need it, just give me room.”

All of these comments are issued as part of the ongoing manipulation to confuse you. Yesterday we went for a wonderful picnic with you and today we are talking about needing space. You do not understand. What has changed? From your perspective nothing has. From ours, it is the switching nature of our perspective whereby we feel the need to exert control over you and gain fuel from you. Yesterday we thought it would look good for the façade to spend time with you and the children and you all gave me positive fuel. It was a good day. First thing this morning, the Candidate IPSS left me a glowing and admiring voicemail which shifted my attention on to them and reminded me why you have irritated and annoyed me. She is white, you have been painted black again and when you tried to hug me this morning, seeking to capitalise on yesterday’s delightful day, you were rebuffed and chastised for smothering me. You recoiled, hurt and confused. Pushed away again after having been pulled in.

After months of this you speak to a well-meaning friend, seek the advice of some supposed relationship expert and you convey your misery, the uncertainty and how often we have talked about splitting up and spending time apart. This advisor listens and fails to recognise the behaviour of our kind and what is behind it. They attribute it to someone who is failing to value you (which is correct) but they do not grasp the real reason behind such behaviour. You have fallen into the victim’s trap of trying to find a reason to explain this behaviour through either the influence of an external agent or in common with your capacity to self-flagellate, your own apparent shortcomings. Between the two of you, you conclude that the position at work and a recent bereavement have resulted in this confusion, this failure to identify priorities with you and your advisor suggests that giving us the often spoken about space would be advantageous.

“Show him that you will give him what he keeps saying that he needs but also let him know that he continues to have your love and support. Let him know that you are there for him when he needs you but you are going to help him by giving him the space that he requires to get his head together. He will get what he needs, value your support and then realise just how much he wants and needs you,” the advisor explains.

So, feeling reassured by these apparently sagacious words and the detailed conversations you have had with this advisor, you tell us that you are going to let us go, but that you will always be there for us.

Bad move.

Of course you will always be there for us.  We expect that already. It is the central feature of the Narcissistic Relationship, that you belong to us. You are only telling us something which we know anyway.

What we actually hear when you say this sentence, or something similar to it, is not that you are trying to do what we want. We do not hear that you are trying to accord with what we desire, no matter how much you would rather not do so. We fail to recognise this act of sacrifice on your part. Why? Because as ever we are far too concerned for ourselves. What we hear is that you are trying to escape us.

It does not matter that we have been the ones who have threatened to leave, that we have repeatedly told you to back off, leave us alone, give us space, that we are thinking of going, leaving, separating or however we decide to describe it. No, that is irrelevant and of course we will twist and deflect to ever deny we said those things (you made us do it of course because it is YOUR fault).

We hear you saying you are leaving us. You are escaping. You as our IPPS are about to cut off the supply of our precious fuel and this fills us with horror at this prospect. Your words wound us and accordingly we react through the ignition of our fury. You are criticising us (according to our perspective) and therefore this wounds us. Our self-defence mechanism kicks in and our fury ignites. How this manifests varies dependent on the type of narcissist you are dealing with. You may be shouted at, attacked, emotionally black-mailed, we may burst into tears (crying for ourselves of course – not you and not the death of the Formal Relationship) or we engage in charm and threat to halt your intended departure. (You can read more about how we react to being told that you are ‘escaping’ in   How No Contact Feels – Part One  How No Contact Feels Part – Two  and  How No Contact Feels – Part Three).

This supposedly kind and charitable act on your part will be met with an attempt to stop you leaving. This will both confuse and relieve you. You will undoubtedly remain, as you never really wanted to allow this cessation for the provision of space in the first place and you will confirm to us that you do not want it to end. You will reassure and in so doing provide fuel. We will appear pleased, relieved and so forth and of course we do not want to lose our primary source of fuel. At least, not until we are ready to dis-engage.

Do not think that your kindness and consideration will be met with approval thereafter however. Your attempt will be thrown back in your face as evidence of your treachery (and do not even think about suggesting you were only doing what we want) and you will be punished for this traitorous behaviour through the continuance of the devaluation and the imposition of greater nastiness. Your confusion will return. You tried to do the right thing and your advisor suggested this was the right thing to do and look what happened. This is, of course, because nobody has identified what you have entangled with nor understood how we behave.

You are bewildered, perplexed and miserable again.

Do we want you or do we not want you?

Of course not.

We want your fuel.

 

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16 thoughts on “The Errors of the Ignorant – No. 2”

  1. The Mid Range Narc, I have been entangled with for 5 years. His Chickens are coming home to roost from every angle.

    He is wounded, I Supernova’ed and received the apologies I should of had for the last 5 years.

    He is involved with someone else now and said he is trying to change, not lie, cheat, he says he likes her.

    I felt bad after my Supernova, everything I said was true. However, he looked broken.

    I was a good friend to him as well as a lover. I have said I will be there if he needs a friend.

    If he is damaged and realises the lies catch up with him and approaching 50 years of age. Can he / will he change if he wants to make this work for his future happiness or will it get boring for him, start up with someone and/or come hoovering?

    Thank you

  2. Hi HG

    I wrote earlier that I did it , I blocked him with no warning after 4 weeks of silent treatment ( the story of my life) I did it just before my birthday to prevent a birthday Hoover or being ignored on my birthday.
    I feel empowered but why do I also feel fear of the finality .
    I know logically he is a mid range cerebral narc , and I have played a clever move to protect myself from further humiliation and hurt.
    He is prob trawling married sex sites looking for more fuel right now so why do I feel fear after blocking him ,it’s ridiculous.
    I was in a permanent Hoover ,devalue ,ignore repeat cycle .
    There was zero respite and no relationship anymore.

    I should have blocked him a year ago but didn’t , am I so weak and pathetic that I fear this creep will now forget me , when I know logically he forgot me a long time ago .

    1. Hi Kiki

      I posted similar something above, still questioning.

      We hope, they see our value, our worth and we wanted them to want us and much as we wanted them. Whilst knowing how difficult they were, hoping they see the error in their ways .

      But hey Love was going to be a cure all! (In my case anyway)

      Take care

  3. Wiish,

    Yes, it is Important to talk to others who can relate. Otherwise, it is lonely, confusing, and isolating.

  4. No one can understand unless they have been entangled with these Dark Personalities. No one, really. It is just too mind-twisting to thoroughly explain, let alone get others to comprehend the full extent.

    I do not even try to discuss it with others in real life, or talk about it at all.

    I have nightmares, still, and sometimes I do not want to go to sleep at night only to be, once again, placed within the claws of these venomous monsters with human-like masks.

    1. Hello Nika,

      I can relate to what you wrote, including the nightmares. I know people who have been entangled with a narcissist and they are still not aware of it. They believe narcissists are just ‘difficult people’.
      I avoid speaking about personality disorders with those who do not know anything about it because they think I am exaggerating or crazy and will not want to hear anything about it.
      If I want to make them aware of what is going on and how they (or other people) are being manipulated, I describe the abuser’s *behaviour*.

      1. Nika and E.B.

        I’m in complete agreement. I, too, have found it impossible to talk to my friends about narcex and the extent and impact our relationship and its ending has had on my psyche. They just weren’t getting it. They seem to think narcissists are just annoying people who dress well and look in the mirror a lot and no amount of explaining has helped anyone get a clue. So I’ve given up and hope they themselves are never enmeshed with a narc. Which is why I dumped my woes here last night. At least in some form or another everyone here gets it and many have been very supportive.

      2. The saddest part is to see a new victim not getting it. Because it is so hard to explain to people, unfortunately sometimes people have to learn by going through it…

        I still have nightmares…..

      3. E.B.,

        This is a really good idea, and one I had not thought about… to “describe the abuser’s *behavior*”.

        Thank you for this wise advice ♥️ This actually helps me a lot!

      4. You are welcome, Nika. I try to keep it as short as possible and I also avoid being overly dramatic or emotional. People shut down.

  5. HG: “Let him go but tell him you will always be there for him.”

    No one advised me to say this to my narcex, but very similar words came out of my mouth during my devaluation / escape. (Something like, “I will always love you but we do not work. I am not going to block you, in case of an emergency, but unless it’s an emergency, do not call me.”) Silly me.

    That was then. I finally learned, and here we are now.

    HG, I’m picking up all the words and acronyms but have a question even though Fuel is one of the books I’ve already read.

    Can you give me some synonyms for what you call Fuel? For Greaters such as yourself, is it accurate to say they are aware of what they are and what their needs are but that they all refer to it differently? And if that’s the case, perhaps it would help me understand Fuel better if I can think of it a different way. I’ve heard it called both Fuel and Supply, and someone else suggested it is like an adrenaline rush.

    Your thoughts please and thank you.

  6. HG~ Is it a common thing to create a fake profile on social media and message a recent ex? It seems whenever the discard phase occurs I always get random messages via FB asking for my number or commenting on pretty I am ect and then when I disengage the profile disappears?

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