Poll :In What Circumstances Have You Experienced a Narcissist

POLLHG WANTSTO KNOW

Most people who know about our kind invariably find out following a romantic entanglement with us. However, once that moment of enlightenment has arrived it is often soon followed by more and more instances of realisation. Using your new-found knowledge, you realise that more than one of your romantic relationships involved one of your kind, then you see that a family member is a narcissist, possibly a colleague, maybe a friend too. It may include that awkward client who has given you nothing but aggravation the last seven years or that insufferable preacher at your church.

We are everywhere and in this poll I want you to share the instances where you have realised you have had some involvement, no matter how minor, with our kind. You may choose as many of the categories as you wish and do expand in the comments about your experiences and how you felt when you had that moment of realisation that a particular person in your life was in fact a narcissist.

Thank you for participating.

 

In what circumstances have you experienced a narcissist?

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75 thoughts on “Poll :In What Circumstances Have You Experienced a Narcissist

  1. kel says:

    I don’t understand why you removed my comment on this one, or what could have been wrong with it. C’est la vie

  2. Ana says:

    I was going through a period of grief at the time I met him. Things went itensely fast, and I was completely out of character. This person was calculating; this person was controlling; this person made request of me that made me cringe. I regret getting into that car that morning… And I believe I’d experienced a fall from grace. Some stains are difficult to remove… Please, forgive yourself for everytime you forgot your worth… <3

  3. It Depends says:

    Ann, LOL.. They can’t be accused of being a peaceful bunch, can they?

  4. brokenrainbow says:

    My first exposure (or so I thought) was with my ex. We lived together here and there as I kept escaping. He was the love of my life (which I have been struggling with lately).
    However after finding HG, I realize my mother is probably a narcissist. Over the past two weeks I have identified my father has many narcissistic traits. With newfound awareness I have also identified two other narcissists in my life. One of them is a kind church lady; the other works for a security company I deal with.

  5. Chihuahuamum says:

    Its amazing since first coming across a video about 3 years ago on narcissism then HG’s site how many people i can either see a lot of narc traits or highly suspect them to have npd. Some who i suspect have npd know they have narcissism and take pride in it while others arent aware but still use their narcissism to get them what they want in life with no regard to other people. Then there are those that have no clue about narcissism and think themselves wonderfully behaved and or a victims when its convenient.
    I learned thru my narc partner about narcissism when i googled some of his behaviours and i got more than i bargained for bc i realised a bigger picture in that my mother was a narcissist. I learned there are many types of narcissists and later that there are degrees of it and it is a spectrum. Then there are those with highly narc personalities but who dont have npd. It makes it difficult to know for certain who has npd but in the end it doesnt matter bc its how you deal with these behaviours and who to limit your time around bc it can affect your life and be toxic.
    As a result of everything ive learned thanks mostly to HG ive started to learn about myself as well. Ive learned that nothing is cut and dry. We are a melting pot of personalities. Life is not fair. People will do things that are upsetting or wrong but its how you handle it that is important while protecting yourself and keeping your own personality and values intact. Its also about balance. Being empathetic but also not so much so you allow these types of people to manipulate and take advantage of you. Its about playing the game as well. Learning the behaviours and trying your best to get along with those with npd while keeping your distance if possible. There are so many situations and each dealt with differently. In the workplace imo is the trickiest.
    Those i feel really do have npd are my narc, my mother, my brother in law, my mother in law, my grandmother, my daughters friends mum altho possibly a borderline, a parent in my sons sport….they are all over!!
    Npd is becoming more prevalent. I watched an interview and the topic is why is it becoming more prevalent? It was brought up bc of economics. I feel this is a contributor but not the whole reason. I feel people are made to work harder than they ever have and cost of living is higher than ever. Many work 2 or 3 jobs to get by and the family unit is disolving along with that spirituality has diminished. People have lost their values and become very self centered and are in survival mode. They can no longer care about others they are too busy looking out for themselves. Technology has become the childrens parent and addictions are on the rise with that. The younger generations are learning thru media and narcissistic celebs. They are learning npd and sadly i think our world will become more and more narcissistic until something catastrophic happens. We seen this with hitler which was horrendous but it could be even worse this time with nuclear warfare and biological warfare. Things go in cycles and history repeats itself but possibly on a grander scale.
    Npd is more widespread than ever and those that dont will soon be in the minority. Embrace your empathetic nature and spread it as much as possible bc our world needs it more than ever!

  6. mollyb5 says:

    I never was interested in the term or label narcissit. I went to a psycologist when in my 20s and she never used the term with me 30 years ago. I learned to see female friends and my sisters as bullies to me …they talked behind my back and laughed at me and with me at times …I was the clown. My sisters where very dominate over me since I was many years (by 11 years) younger than the three of them . My mother was an alcoholic with eight children and my older siblings took care of us younger ones. My brothers married women who were like my mother. My father was our hero and took care of all of us. He did everything . He has some narc traits but is not a narc. My mothers drinking and ignoring and dismissing, and neglect of us and self absorption is similar to a narc but ….she was empathetic also. My siblings have more narc traits specially my older brother who was very verbally , physically abusive and scheming quiet often how to hurt me, and how to control one of my younger brothers, who is very empathetic , gang up on me . I was a scapegoat. I married a second husband who was like my older brother in many ways. But I read and learned 4 years ago after I escaped what he ttruely is / was and it fit right into how he talked and yelled , thought, verbally abused me. I thought he was severely insecure and he even went to my psycologist who even fell for his mid range pity charms .He later told me she was flirting with him ……hhmmmm…maybe so . I notice I attract narcs because , now I see ThEM ….thanks to HG.

  7. DF says:

    The great news in this poll for me is that I don’t have to tick all boxes and that there are some very nice, reliable, empathic, wild brave, wise people in my life who are not narcissists at all.
    Only in hindsight did I understand who was or is a narcissist.
    By realizing the role of narcissism in it, my world has profoundly changed. Before the realization I had been living in a barely comprehensible world of lies, negative emotions, and distortion of facts.
    Now I am living on Narc Planet. That may sound bad, but actually it is great, because now I know. I can see The System. Now the babble – in private settings, in political fighting, in distortion of history and scientific findings, everywhere people congregate – is making sense. Now I am calm where I used to be upset. Leaning back, thinking, laying the ground for something different.
    I will never again have an “exclusive”, “romantic”, “monogamous” relationship in this life. It is neither interesting nor possible anymore. I lost my respect for all that faking of values and virtues as far as it only furthers the narcissists’ agendas. This doesn’t mean that I will behave unethically or betray people, not at all. But I won’t submit to suppressive and controlling pseudo-moral standards anymore and I will simply follow my gut feelings and not compromise.
    I already know that I am not alone with these ideas and that I will have great sex, love, freedom and real experiences with like-minded people.
    And for times in solitude I’d like to quote my favourite narc ex lover who allegedly quoted George Washington when saying: “It is better to be alone than in bad company.” (DF chuckling here.)
    Best wishes to all you Narc Busters who will read this, and, above all, to HG Tudor. Thank you for letting me (us) peak behind the tricksters’ veils and masks.

  8. Lisa says:

    Ex narc, while living separately and being married. Hence final escape!
    Parent/mother darling! Still putting thought into childhood traumas. Speak to her infrequently.
    Sibling 1) can tolerate mostly but the distance between us is a plus on that level.
    Sibling 2) didn’t notice it until lately. Less tolerant of her but distance between us helps on that level also.
    Family member/s. Children x 2. One worse than the other but addiction is the main cause I believe. Typical entitlement/delusional/self pity….etc. etc. etc.

    They are everywhere!

  9. Eva says:

    In a job
    Online
    Landlord, estate agent
    My mother’s aunt, my father’s sister
    Other family members
    Former so called friends
    Neighbours from hell, police
    Several doctors with zero compassion

  10. mommypino says:

    My mom, I always knew that she was crazy but I thought she had paranoia but has more destructive behaviors that are not linked to paranoia She is a Lesser Victim Narcissist with some paranoia, now everything makes sense and I’m not angry about the past anymore.

    My half sister, I didn’t know that she had any disorder because she was so smart, funny, and outwardly confident. She was also really insecure about not our dad and her mom not telling her that she was pretty. I had to tell her the instances that our dad told me that she was attractive and she couldn’t believe it. She was bossy, dominant, had Mid-Atlantic accent, very charming, theatrical with some of her expressions, overly emotional when it comes to dogs, a know-it-all, and very well-read and intelligent. But she kept making self destructive life choices. And my dad told me that she had a tendency to be promiscuous and it used to break his heart when he took her to dinner only for her to disappear and leave with some guy and this happened so many times. I thought maybe she had histrionic personality disorder. But the descriptions here of a mid-range elite narcissist explains all of her behaviors. I used to think that she hated me because I was dad’s secret love child. She often told me that I’m a nice person but she couldn’t bring herself to love me because I’m a remembrance of Dad’s infidelity. Our brother told me that she had always been like that before they found out about me. I was just her new scapegoat. So now I don’t take it personally anymore.

    My dad’s wife may have been a narc but I have never met her. This is just based on the stories from my dad, siblings, and relatives who knew her.

    I had two coworkers in the past who are mid-range narcs. One of them in the Phils. I stayed away from because she broke my trust. The other one here in the US I’m still friends with but I only see her 6 times a year to have girls’ night out. She’s part of the group and we celebrate each other’s birthdays. There’s 6 of us in the group. For some reason she chose me to be the one to be competitive with when we were working and she did stuff to undermine me and also made remarks to undermine my confidence. She’s so devoted to her Christian facade. I’m into Christianity too but she is really seriously over the top with her religion. Her FB has all kinds of Biblical posts everyday. And yet she smears people all the time, she prayed for her brother’s girlfriend to have a miscarriage, she did not return the stuff that I loaned her, and other behaviors that I don’t think are very Christ-like. She’s an attention seeker. She is also over the top with her praises to me and comments on my FB. So many sweet words towards me about how special I am to her that are not backed up with actions.

    There was a customer at a bank when I worked as a teller who I remembered when I read the article Malice. She had such a dark aura about her. When I was new and she came in, I noticed all of the other tellers disappeared so I was her only choice. Apparently she lashed out at each of them in the past and made one of the tellers cry. I made sure that I looked like I was competent and my voice inflections was very attentive like she’s a VIP customer, which I did to all customers anyway. Whenever she had a ridiculous or impossible request, instead of saying no to her I told her that I will have our manager talk to her about it and she always liked it. Our manager didn’t mind because she knew that she was a trouble maker. She never lashed out at me which is probably because I was the only teller still willing to help her.

    My marketing professor might be the only greater narcissist that I have ever encountered. He was so amazingly charming, handsome even though he was already in his middle age, and really intelligent. He was part German I think and he belonged to a family of old wealth in the Phils. He was so anal about everything, now I think it was all about control and it was giving him fuel. Our school did not let us pick professors and every year students prayed to not be in his class. He gave the lowest grades ever. Someone who is trying to graduate with honors and have straight A’s will get their first B- from him. Talk about ever presence in your transcript. Before his class started he had us all lined up so we can fix our uniforms according to what he thought was appropriate. He was particular about which side we should write our names and date and how we should write our answers to his questions. If we get it wrong, there are point deductions even if our answers were right. He had a way of hurting the students’ feelings without using inappropriate words and he made so many students cry in class. There had been so many complaints about him but the empathic nuns running our school kept telling them that they need to learn to cope with people like him to prepare them for real life. He never crossed the line that would warrant his removal from his job. I admired him though and he liked me too. I just treated everything in his class like a game and I enjoyed the challenge. He even gave me glowing recommendations for my first job. But I’m glad that I did not become close to him.

    I briefly dated a cerebral narcissist. I was probably his non intimate dirty little secret. He was from a wealthy family and I was poor. We only had 4 dates when I got my US citizenship. He asked me to go with him to Taiwan but I told him that I am leaving to move to US in a month after I train the person getting my job. He is really into alcohol and obsessed with being smart. He wrote poems and had an opinion on everything.

  11. Amanda says:

    I have a close friend who has been there for me only at times of high drama, she bends over backwards to help and support me at these hard times. A real pot stirrer who wants to be in the middle of all of it. However, never invites me to be a part of anything or spend time with her during the normal times. She was the one who helped me secure an affordable apartment when I was discarded/escaped from the Somatic Mid-Ranger earlier this year. She is now my neighbor.

    She has the landlord in her pocket and bosses the entire 5-unit place where all dwellers succumb to her rules, she triangulates all of us, she is sure to only contact me when I have done something that is not held to her standards, when I have disappointed her, when she has to comment on my lifestyle or proclaim the disapproval of the company I keep, and threatens to “tell” on me to the landlord or her daughter inlaw who is a cop, etc.

    I have done all I can to be nice and stay out of her way. The smear campaigns are worse than the narc boyfriend’s ever were. Thankfully, she has been this way to many people for many years in the same neighborhood. The majority of folks know how she is and choose not to believe her. However, they also choose not to engage and defend the one getting smeared in fear of her starting on them again. She comes and goes with being nice then mean and doling out silent treatments at her leisure.

    Now, the space I sought refuge has now become soiled with another narc’s stench. Had I started reading HG’s precious writing prior to moving into the place she found for me, I think I would have spotted her narc character and could have politely declined the help.

    It is what it is. I just stay out of her way and work hard to remain unaffected by her ploys. Although I don’t get in front of every encounter like this and I still allow it to hurt me sometimes, I am getting better at choosing to look at each one as a great practice opportunity to control my emotional thinking. It has become empowering during these moments of great awareness when I do catch it before I have a chance to react with hurt and choose to chuckle at her absurd and grotesque behavior instead.

    Thank you HG for providing me the tools to make me powerful and putting me on a path to become a controller of my own emotional thinking. I’m getting better!

  12. Kathleen says:

    The president of the US. A glaring extreme and he’s an annoying trigger every single day.

  13. Mercy says:

    2 ex’s the first one I just recently had the aha head slap moment. I thought he was a lying, cheating asshole. The second one is what brought me here.

    1 boss. We banned together as a office and dethroned her. Funny because we we’re all just sharing horror stories about her today.

    1 possible co-worker. He’s a tricky one. A huge people pleaser but has to be center of attention all the time. I’ve never seen him lose his shit though so I’m on the fence

    I have to get a consult on my parents. I’m all over the place on that one.

  14. kel says:

    HG, why haven’t you posted my comment here from this morning? Was there something wrong with it? I can’t even see if it’s in moderation or not.

  15. Joyascending says:

    Colleagues / co-workers and bosses are the worst! Especially if you love your career and make good money! Also having a close friend who goes from your bestie (getting what she wants in social status) to the devaluing stage after learning all your secrets, launching the smear once she was done. It took nearly a decade for others to figure her out and start returning. Also I have had all 3 types (lesser, mid range, greater) partners. And yes bosses, had to change my career. Colleague moved into another building, so better at work. It’s amazing how this knowledge from this blog has helped in all aspects of my life.

    1. It Depends says:

      The knowledge is worthless without your brilliance at putting it into use. And it looks like you certainly have the brilliance required!!!

  16. 12345 says:

    To list all of mine will be redundant. However, I do have a coworker who causes me the most torment currently. He seems to be a frustrated narcissist, desperate for fuel but can’t really get any/enough. He will cause a huge fight to get negative fuel. Incredibly manipulative but also stupid so not much time passes before he reveals himself. I’ve learned to take copious notes and just watch him spiral.

    I think I have a “type” of narcissist that I’m drawn to and it’s not him. No charm. No humor. Dumb as sand. Plain toast with a starving ego.

    1. It Depends says:

      Hahaha, funny work story. I’ve come to the conclusion that they are all plain toast with starving egos and now I hang out with the cool kids, who really are cool instead of the fake and dry pieces of toast!

  17. Supernova DE says:

    1. A parent. Still trying to sort this out. Have pegged my mom as the narc but now starting to wonder if Dad was a narc, and mom is Codep and so self absorbed that she emotionally neglected me.

    2. Other family members. My husbands mother and possible his sister also. When painted black by mother in law it’s freaking awful.

    3. Boss. Worst three years uuuggh. So glad my husband made me leave that job.

    4. Friends. There are many now that I know the signs. Very Leary to let my kids spend time at those houses without me, yikes what might they witness!

    5. Affair partner mid ranger. Prefer not to think about him as I’m practicing my no contact.

    1. lisa says:

      Supernova DE, i am also trying to work out my mother, it’s only recently that i’ve woke up to this, but since my stepfather is def a narc, i’m thinking it’s unlikely my mother is one , 2 together don’t normally go well. So when you say your mother was so self absorbed she neglected your feelings , i can relate. Maybe she’s a codep , my mother def lacks emotional intelligence and is self absorbed

  18. candleglow2 says:

    Well I am seeing narcissistic traits in quite a number of people now ..but I never noticed till I got my eyes opened by HG’s writings.. but I think romantic and sibling one affects me more than others that I can just shrug off and ignore …

    1. It Depends says:

      I so agree with you. The family ones were the hardest for me to deal with as well. Took me more time to deal with it properly and with a clear conscious.

  19. Nikki Barelli says:

    Well, Good Morning Everyone. It’s been a minute since I’ve joined in the festivities. Now, that I’ve been taking “NARC” lessons, besides finding after 7 yrs. my roommate’s living the “NARC” life“ I believe my boss to be, She blows a lot of smoke up yer ass never follows through with what was discussed…My cousin whom I do not talk too at all. He’s my only cousin on my mom’s side, plus he’s the lowlife abusive type. Reading the posts really opened my eyes and helped me to learn the game so to speak!

    1. MB says:

      Welcome back Nikki!

      1. Nikki Barelli says:

        Thank you MB

    2. It Depends says:

      Morning Nikki

      So glad the posts are giving you knowledge to fight back!!! Seeing them is the trick to it, isn’t it!

  20. lisa says:

    I may have experienced one in all areas but i’m only aware of boyfriends x 2 , stepfather , boss and colleague , possible other family members . I’ve only understood this or had some awareness for 3 years, so not long and it’s taken , 3 years to really get my head around this and see it. I’m undecided about my mother, that’s still a bit of a mystery to me, that’s why i’m trying to understand copendency a bit more and also understand what i am , so i can change things moving forward for the people i let into my life .

  21. Jasmine says:

    My choices:

    All of my long term relationships, which included 3 live-ins (2 husbands and a bf) and one long distance bf that I didn’t live with.
    A parent
    2 relatives (other than parent/sibling) though there may be more.

    I forgot to add my doctors.

    1. EmP says:

      Yes! Doctors! Now that you make me think about it, I have encountered quite a few who were completely devoid of empathy. Cold as ICE.

      1. Jasmine says:

        EmP,
        Re: narc doctors

        It’s been a real eye-opener. Now I notice when they hit on me. Gross and completely unethical!

        1. EmP says:

          Jasmine, I have always been very naive. I used to believe that all mothers loved their children and all doctors were compassionate people, capable of empathising and willing to alleviate people’s suffering. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

      2. Anm says:

        EmP,
        In my opinion, for Narcissist Doctors, it depends what medical field they are in. I have an empathic family member who is an ICU Dr. I am concerned because the job is traumatizing, and I wonder if she ever loses focus under pressure. I almost feel it will be best if a Psychopath, who is cold and calculated, do the jobs in the trauma field.
        For my children’s Pediatrician, it was important for me to choose a Super Empath, and I did this for a reason. My Malignant Ex has tried numerous times to frame me for “child abuse/neglect” (projection). He has tried numerous times to manipulate her into taking his side, but she sees through his BS and wont help him. I think a codependent, normal, or narcissist dr would fall for his act- many do

      3. E. B. says:

        And lawyers.

      4. It Depends says:

        I completely agree.

    2. It Depends says:

      LOL I kept looking for the “all of the above” choice as well! Or, “these pathetically weak loser are everywhere, oh my!!! 🙂

  22. Tina says:

    I’ve recently started reading your blog never knowing such existed. I actually fell upon it, trying to research the reasons behind my husbands behavior. Judging from what I’ve read I am currently married to a combination lesser/midrange narc. From what I also gather, I myself am a super empath with the ability apply the supernova power at will.

    By the way H.G thank you for that clarification and for writing that supernovas might actually think them selves narcissistic upon reading about it. I read about all the empaths, not really being able to place myself totaly in any of them because I am able to read manipulation very clearly, ignore moodswings and critisism and just shut down my epathy responses completely when needed. I do not respond well to devaluation and do not let it get to me. I become stubborn in will, uncooperative and logically thinking in words and actions. I go head to head with the behavior, ignoring it’s content and never give in to the demands. Much to the dissattisfaction of my husband and his efforts.
    Upon reading your blog, I actually started to emotionally panic a little, because I saw those as traits of a narc. Thinking “oh my god. Is my true deep empathy feelings not real? Am I the kind of narc who belives her self to have empathy.” Eventually sort of having to reassure myself, that if I was truly this emotionally distressed about the thaught of beeing a narc, I could not possible be one. Then I fell upon your article about supernovas and there I was, clear as day.

    To get back the question at hand. My current husband I belive to be a narc. My aha moment however came when I realised that that’s what my first husband was, without any doubt. I never could place him correctly until now. Sort of placing him in the psycopath category, but not understanding how he was able to faighn empathy, remorse and concern as he did. Also his version of any story became the actual truth to him. I will never forget him, after a couple years, trying to tell me how our whole divorce had paned out. I’m just glad this one was over the phone, as I could litteraly feel my own facialekspression of wonder and dissbelief. I was thinking again logically “he knows I was there too right? Is he expecting me to buy this BS.” 🤔
    No, he just actually belived it himself, so my having been there too was of no importence to his own inner story 😂

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes because it is his truth. I am pleased you have found my work of such use and welcome on board.

  23. EmP says:

    I chose seven categories: parent (mother, father), sibling (sister), family member other than parent or sibling (uncle, aunts, cousins, grandparents), romantic relationship where we did not live together (numerous), neighbour (a couple), boss (a few, mainly lawyers) and, finally, religious figure in a position of authority (catholic priests).

  24. Em says:

    Mother – I worked out recently
    Uncle (her brother)
    Ex husband 30 yrs
    Ex lover 18 yrs
    Ex best friend -2012
    Ex boss
    Helped to this conclusion via this site
    So obvious now.

  25. S says:

    I am super surprised at the number of people who voted for a pastor. Makes me feel so much better! Lol!

    1. It Depends says:

      LOL I’ve met a lot of them. Unfortunate because so many of the people who attend are empaths.

  26. Gina says:

    My father and all of my exes…which now, makes sense….pathetic.

  27. NarcAngel says:

    Well this poll alone should be enough to carry us across the 12 million mark lol.

  28. Presque Vu says:

    Ok, this is rather embarrassing to admit…
    1: Stepdad
    2: K(Nex)
    3: Colleague
    4: Friend
    5: I find this really hard to admit but possibly my mum.

    My stepdad was the worst by far but there was no way of knowing what I was dealing with at the age of 16, I just knew this man liked to beat me, mock me, humiliate me, play games with me, and I had no terms for his behaviour other than abuse. I thought he would beat me to death so I left with two bin bags of clothes whilst he was on holiday. Later down the line…. much much later…. I saw his behaviours described here in detail and finally understood what he is. I stood no chance.

    The nex… is the reason I came here. I was looking for answers and googled… I think it was me who actually googled HG’s weirdest search term ‘cross-dressing and narcissism’ … just loads of behaviours which blew my mind and made me feel crazy! I identified with so many posts and educated myself with HG’s words.

    Ex Colleague… liked to think he was grander and more important than he was. He liked to sabotage people myself included BUT I saw what he was. People would say he was fun – and he was – but he had this underlying current and I felt it.
    I could predict his responses once I knew his game and I actually practised on him some things I would later do to my nex. For eg, I started to say NO to things I didn’t have to do. I would watch him explode and his façade slip! I remember once he asked me to move offices and desks for no reason other than he wanted me to. I worked well where I was, liked the colleagues there and also felt a slight buzz at rebelling! I stood my ground and didn’t move. He threw the book at me in front of everybody – and when the Boss returned he ran into the Kitchen to tell her how disobedient I was and I should be disciplined for not listening to him. The boss had a word with me, told him he had no right to move people and that was the end of it. He sabotaged me every which way he could after that. He is still elevating his job title on LinkedIn… it’s amusing.

    Friend… I couldn’t work out why I felt uneasy, I just did. Coming here made me realise that I could offer the best friendship, the most time, money, lend them my clothes, drive them here and there, just basically give and give and I always felt like she would call on me when she needed something, or wanted to slag someone off, or felt lonely. Again, coming here I can see that she is a mid-ranger somatic – and when she moans about her likes on Instagram or Facebook I cringe.. but she is fun, she is hilarious and totally ruthless with people. I have learned a lot from her and she is still my friend today BUT I hold back a lot now. I can say NO 🙂 and I’ve learned not to tell her my inner most secrets. I have adapted the friendship I give her and I no longer upset myself with my expectations of her and how a friendship should work. She is unique and I still love her.

    My mum….I’m not sure but since being here I can see things I never saw before. Like dismissing just how bad the abuse was despite her witnessing it, silent treatments, I am the black sheep my sister is golden… and many many other things, private things I don’t really want to air here. She might not be, it’s funny how you just question behaviours now.

    I have been involved romantically with one, but in my life there has been many it seems. I attract this type for whatever reason but I’m learning and growing and its probably the freest I have ever felt. With knowledge comes freedom 🙂

    1. Jasmine says:

      Presque Vu,

      I believe my Mom is a narc as well. And I’ve spent most of my adult life avoiding intimate contact with her (I’m any open book type, and it always came back to bite me)

      She was recently admitted to the hospital. Yesterday I went to see her as her health plummeted. They did a bone marrow test and we await the results. Both options are fatal, and it’s one or the other.

      I cant even describe the guilt and regret I feel now. For all the times I avoided her, for all the times I tried to keep my life and kids away. .
      Barring a miracle, she’ll be lucky to live much longer

      No matter how many times she’s hurt me, she’s still my mother and I love her

      I tell you this, not for sympathy, but if you are doubtful, and unless she’s abusive, please remember that life is short – make the most of it

      Best wishes,
      Jasmime

      1. Mercy says:

        Jasmine, im sorry for what you are going through. I wish I could hug you.

        If you can, spend the little time you have left to say the things you want to say. The conversations you have now will help you with your guilt and sadness later. You may not get all of the answers you’re looking for but having those last moments to express yourself can be very healing. If she is not awake, say them anyway. When my mom went in a comma I felt she could hear me.

        I will keep you in my thoughts ♥️

      2. E. B. says:

        Hi Jasmine,

        “No matter how many times she’s hurt me, she’s still my mother and I love her ”

        Adult children of narcissists tend to mistake feelings of guilt and obligation for love.
        If she was abusive and hurt you repeatedly, it is her guilt, not yours. You do not owe her anything.

      3. Presque Vu says:

        Thank you Jasmine, I’m sorry about your mum.
        All you can do now is build those bridges if possible before she deteriorates. Guilt and regret are understandable but you were trying to protect your family. Nobody could blame you for that. Make your peace with her, and allow her to do the same. At least then, you’ll have no regrets and know you loved her to the end no matter what.

      4. amanda SNapchat says:

        i think its hard with toxic people. I dunno. i would still keep away. they can hurt you so much. it was their choice to engage in this behavior. you make a decision u live with it

    2. Blank says:

      “it’s funny how you just question behaviours now.”

      Presque Vu, I questioned everything and have decided that I will not look around to spot narcs anymore, I will only respond to people’s actions. There are too many people with narcissistic traits who aren’t narcs.
      I decided it’s best to set boundaries and not let anyone abuse me anymore, narc or non-narc.

      I feel people struggle most with their mother being a narc. It’s too hard to believe her empathy was fake.
      There’s nothing to be embarrassed about Presque Vu xx

      1. Presque Vu says:

        Thank you Blank, I guess it’s not so much as embarrassment as it is realisation that it could be a possibility.
        I do need to start doing as you do Blank… I need to stop looking to spot them, it’s become habitual now due to trying to protect myself.

        I think you give great advice.. set boundaries for narc’s or non-narcs regardless and live the life I want to live.

    3. It Depends says:

      Watching them explode when you tell them no is SO funny!!!

    4. It Depends says:

      Presque Vu

      I think it was you who posted the Mark Antony saying in the Supernova forum. Didn’t know if you were still subscribed to the comments but.. YOU NAILED IT!!! I LOVED that post. It so sums things up with such succinct beauty and the fact you made the connection, in my mind, elevates you to brilliant genius!!! Thanks for that post, made my day, a few days ago!

  29. Jess says:

    An article on FB about narcissists and empaths led me to The Empathic Supernova recording by HG on YouTube. How did this feel? Mostly relief and empowerment mixed with awareness and anger that I had been used and abused my whole life. Lots of fear….bc there was a monster the whole time that walks around in plain site and not hiding under the bed. Narcmom through to many romantic entanglements one by one I realized the manipulation. Everything changed in my life after hearing that video. I misplaced the obsession I had with my MRN and listened to HG instead…lol. It was definitely a ground zero for me to build on and my rock bottom…the everpresent dichotomy.

    1. It Depends says:

      So glad to see you found the power to change your life with information. The keys to freedom: when we teach ourselves to apply knowledge.

  30. MB says:

    This poll prompted me to do a list of the bosses I have directly reported to over the course of my 27 year career so far. Of the 11 total, 7 were narcissists. Of the 7, 3 were the business owner themselves. Of those 3 business owner/narcissists, I consider 2 of them not only mentors, but they constitute 2 of the 3 most influential people to my career. I learned a great deal from both of them. Like HG, they seemed to enjoy having me learn from them and I soaked it up. I felt “taken under their wing”. There were 3 narc women managers and constitute the worst working conditions of which I’ve been exposed. The tension of working under them made me hate my job and dread going to work. I am happy to report that I currently report to a non-narc business owner and love my job.

    This exercise made me realize that narcissists have played an important role in the aspect of my career. One can learn a lot from a narcissist! Thank you for taking us under your dark wing, Sir.

  31. Liderien says:

    for some reason the vote button is not working.

    1. blackunicorn123 says:

      Same here. It just shows the results. 🙁

      1. Try closing all windows (assuming it’s windows) dump your cache, and open the page again. Hope that works.

        1. blackunicorn123 says:

          Thank you!! I’ll give it a go!

      2. E. B. says:

        Hi Blackunicorn and Liderien,
        You can see the results and all your choices are shown in bold and italics.

  32. Christopher Jackson says:

    Shit I’m finding out more and more every day that I read your posts how many narcs I have entangled myself with I have found out that two of my friends are one….mom..dad…sister in law…a couple of colleagues very aggravating to find this out…but it’s time to goso and use my cruel hard logic and not emotional logic….keep the shit coming hg.

  33. Kelly says:

    How do you feel when you find out your mother and brother could never have really loved you or cared about you? It’s one thing with a relationship because you date, break up, move on, but your family is from beginning to end, blood attachment. Finding out that all of a sudden nothing made sense, living in a world full of masks and secrets. At the same time, it made sense, all the pieces came together and solved the puzzle. It freed me from afflictions each narcissist projected onto me. At first it felt like they were demons, possibly invasion of the body snatchers aliens. Maybe some are guided too much by the darkness their limited emotions run parallel with. Now I see it a lot, a boss, several colleagues throughout the company. You feel a little paranoid, making sure you’re not blindly one yourself, checking off others you know aren’t. I’m glad I know because now I can be a normal person, and I can steer clear of narcissists and live in a normal world. Yes, even you HG, master illusionist, much as I’m sure I’d love your sense of humor and the writer in you, I’m sure I would recognize the part that’s me in your smoking mirror, which is a tribute to your good teaching.

    And P.S. Kel is me, Kelfairly, Kelly.

  34. Sherri says:

    My aha moment came after years of self help books I ran across the website called daughters of narcissistic mothers. My brother who was the golden child had already died from drug overdose. My sister & I were from what I read the scape goats and still are.

    That realization caused us to start evaluating other people. I am not married to a narcissist, but I am drawn to female friends who are Narcissists & I have had several. Recently I listened to your video on Occupational Isolation. With all I have learned I am currently working my way out of a friendship where that was done to me. It blows my mind how text book people in my life are! You are spot on in every video I have listened to. Though I don’t deal with this with my husband – everything you say is easily applied to other types of relationships.

    So since I am writing this I will need to stop following you on Facebook because you are correct my N’s are definitely my Facebook stalkers. I don’t know why if your an N you want to tip us off to your kind, but I am grateful for all the knowledge! I just ordered one of your books & can’t wait to get into it. Thank you!

    1. NarcAngel says:

      Welcome Sherri. Not all of us are in romantic relationships with narcissists so it will be great to hear your experiences with regard to other kinds of entanglements.

    2. Kathy says:

      Where is the video on occupational isolation?

    3. It Depends says:

      Sherri

      Do you think you are “drawn” to them because of their fake facade and how they mirror you or that they intentionally hunt you because of your vivacious love for life and their perceived ability to take emotional energy (fuel) from you because you have a lot of it?

  35. Anm says:

    Let’s see…
    1: my mother who has borderline traits. Rocky childhood, close current relationship.

    2: the charismatic minister at my church who claimed that God himself would speak and give instructions and must be obeyed by the congregation.

    3: Two narcissistic, bully girl cousins.

    4: 3 domestic, romantic relationships. 2 resulted in children, the other one ran off with my cousin.

    5: multiple narcissistic clients, who I actually appreciated, except if they were victim narcs.

    6: multiple narcissistic colleagues. One even claimed to be empathic, but was an obvious sociopath, who’s boyfriend even killed himself after an argument with her.

    7: narcissist boss/narcissist corporation. Same games as a romantic narcissist relationship, except, a lot of money involved. More addictive in my opinion.

  36. Chihuahuamum says:

    Cripes i checked off so many but that being said theres some i know are narcissists and some i suspect could be or have high narc traits. This will be a long post. Will be back to list those people…

  37. windstorm says:

    Lord, HG!
    Replying to this would take all day! Narcs are everywhere, all around us and I’ve recognized them most of my life. True, I just thought most of the midrangers were just hateful jerks till I got here on the blog, but they’ve always been everywhere!

    There was one category I could NOT check. I have no siblings who are narcissists. I am an only child.

    1. Kathy Mor says:

      Me too and my neighbors. I don’t talk to neighbors.

      1. Anm says:

        I have had narc neighbors, not relevant enough to check on the list. However, I am more familiar witnessing the Narc + neighbors from being the Narc’s IPPS, and have my fair share of stories of that shit show

        1. Kathy Mor says:

          You reminded me of something… I don’t know my neighbors but OMG! my narc has a neighbor who is a narc. So, this guy is one of those who like to call attention to their flawless physic. Bodybuilder type of guy, probably his toes have more muscles than my whole body. Tall. Boisterous. Damn good looking. So he mows the loan wearing a speedo. Yes, a little Speedo that is obscene to look at.
          My narc goes into a frenzy around the house. One time I thought he was going to come unglued. He closed the curtains, closed the blinds…. and almost blindfold me! Lol! The guy knocks on his door to ask for an extension. I can’t describe his face. He barely opens the door to say NO. And the guy doesn’t give up. The guy keeps trying to make small conversation while my narc is struggling to keep me from looking at that gorgeous, marvelous male specimen. Finally the guy said.. oh I am sorry…you must be busy with that cute piece of ass. I let you go.

          And walked away. My narc turned to me possessed. I pretended I was watching the soccer on TV. There he goes into rage…. and cheating mode… for two hours he kept saying that the guy’s cock was little.

          Huh? no it was not. I SAW it. The world saw it. The moon saw it… because of that obscene speedo….
          Damn I miss those “gardening days…”

    2. Bibi says:

      Ditto, Windstorm. I too am an only child. I chose several categories.

      My only companion growing up was film, which some assholes are cancelling my streaming service due to an 85 billion dollar merger. I am so depressed I could saw my arms off.

      I don’t want to talk about it. If I am not around, I am binge watching until Nov. 29th.

      Why must everything that is good be taken away?

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