The Expanded Narcissistic Truths – No. 6

we-see-you

You want to be someone to my kind and me.

That will not happen.

You are a something to us, not a someone.

I do not relate to you. Why should I? I regard myself as superior, elevated and special. The petty concerns which govern your life do not apply to me. I do not do accountability. Certainly I have some understanding of what it means to be you, after all I have listened to you tell me so many times about how you feel and I have watched you and others like you so often. I do not feel it however. I cannot put myself in your shoes. I do not want to and even if I did, I am unable to do so because I neither have that emotional empathy or the even stronger emotional contagion that you experience.

Yes, I can see the differences between you and her, him and them. I can see the contrasts in height, body shape, she has green eyes and you have blue eyes, he has no hair and he has dreadlocks. I recognise physical attractiveness, I see the different clothes that you wear, the variances in shoes worn, jewellery displayed and such like. I notice all of that but that does not make you more of a person to me. It is merely the distinction between a washing machine that is white and one which is silver.

Take my television which is placed at the far end of the main sitting room. It is a Samsung Curved SUHD HDR Dot Smart TV 78″ television that I primarily watch sport on. It provides me with a picture which is in pinsharp crikey vision with a scintillating array of colours. The sound is impressive and it looks sleek and attractive. It delivers an outstanding display and therefore delivers what I require of it.

Take you as my primary source. I can see that you stand 5ft 9″ in height, you are slender, with pale skin and long brown hair to the small of your back, which becomes slightly wavy towards the end. Your face is oval. Your eyes are green. You look sleek and attractive. You are an outstanding display of physical attractiveness. I know all this but your primary purpose is to provide me with positive fuel and you do so impressively. You therefore deliver that which  I require of you.

You are no different to my television. You are there to provide a function. You are to deliver in accordance with the Prime Aims, which are the provision of fuel, character traits and residual benefits. If you do and you do so in a fulsome manner, you are a high functioning appliance. If you do not, you are a malfunctioning one.

You and the television are there to do things for me, because I am entitled to that.

I press your buttons by seducing you or later provoking you and you must churn out fuel for me. You at the time of the golden period are my favourite appliance. I have many appliances, other objects which spew out fuel in varying quantities and differing potencies. I have connected all of these appliances to me because again my objectification of you is also linked to the need to exert control. If I want to eat some toast, I place two slices of bread in my Alessi toaster and press the lever down, adjust the relevant control to govern the degree of toasting required and a minute or two later I have two perfectly toasted slices. It works each and every time. I control it. It does what i want. It does not refuse to toast my bread, it does not only toast one side, it does not fire the bread back at me or instead produce a different outcome altogether by presenting me with a leg of lamb. I expect you to be equally compliant and effective. I do not understand why you should not be. You are there to do what I want, I am entitled to receive the Prime Aims and since I installed you as my primary source, you should be delivering them repeatedly, consistently and without interruption. I am not interested in the vagaries of your life which impacts upon your ability to function because of my sense of entitlement, my notion of superiority and of course my incessant needs and demands.

Objects are far easier to control. They are installed, powered and they function. If they stop functioning then they are thrown away and they are replaced. Accordingly, when you stop delivering in accordance with the Prime Aims you suffer the same fate. I do not have time to repair you, you are put to one side and a better, shinier, more effective model takes your place. How did I ever manage without it? Why did I put up with you as a faltering appliance for so long?

You may look at your replacement and wonder why on earth that appliance has been chosen over you. It might be because you gave everything you could to us. It might be because you can see that you are more capable, more interesting, more intelligent and better looking than your replacement. Perhaps you are, perhaps those distinguishing features are there, but you were not delivering in accordance with the Prime Aims and your replacement is doing so which means that they are infinitely superior to you. You are dispensable. Ally the fact that we see you and others as objects with our necessity for performance, our lack of remorse and conscience and you can understand (or maybe begin to understand) why we find it so easy to dis-engage with you and place you on the scrap heap and choose another appliance with such ease.

If you end a relationship, you may be concerned to ensure that the other person is not too devastated, that they are doing okay because even though you may not want to be in a Formal Relationship longer you largely still care about the well-being of another human being. To us that is pointless. Why use your energy dealing with something that is ineffective? That is a waste of time.

Your objectification makes it far easier for us to function. By regarding you as just another object which is there to perform for us, that is to be controlled by us and can be readily replaced when we deem it necessary, we achieve our aims far more readily. Performance and control are key and this is what objects do. Whether it is an ornament which looks beautiful and we can place where we want, to a motor vehicle which delivers us from A to B or a dishwasher which provides us with clean and streak free shining glasses, we control them all and they perform.

This objectification extends into how we regard different objects. For example, when you are seduced and embedded as the intimate partner primary source, you are our most prized possession. You are the one which will give us the necessary positive fuel each and every day in large amounts and with considerable potency. This means you will be looked after, you will be treated well, you will be paraded and shown off, like some prize piece of art or an expensive necklace. You will be placed carefully on that pedestal, polished, cleaned and maintained.

The tertiary source which works in the garage where we fill up with petrol every week is like an old teddy bear. We always say hello and receive a pleasant dollop of positive fuel as we feign interest in this person’s humdrum life. We have known this person for years and like that teddy bear, we see no need to throw them away, not yet, but nor do we regard there as being any necessity for maintenance. Accordingly, the corresponding teddy bear has a eye missing, some stuffing is spilling from inside and the fur has faded.

In the same way that one is careful with a delicate and expensive mirror, we will treat our appliances in the same way. Some can be kicked to one side, scuffed and stained, like a pair of old trainers, others are handled with care until we decide otherwise. Our appliances in our fuel network are regarded and handled in differing ways.

The trophy appliances, the primary source in the golden period or the longstanding inner circle successful friends who are non-intimate secondary sources, are displayed and shown off regularly. The much maligned familial non-intimate secondary source, a scapegoated sibling or child, is the hideous jumper that is only ever worn when it really has to be done and is otherwise derided and ridiculed. Our Lieutenants are our tools, the devices which we depend on to do our bidding as they are deployed to achieve our aims.

Our objectification of you is necessary for the purposes of maintaining control and achieving the Prime Aims. This objectification is achieved because of our lack of empathy. I no sooner can relate to how an iMac feels as to how you feel. I have no concern about whether my Mont Blanc pen feels. It is there to perform. I have a vested interest in you feeling for the purposes of providing fuel, but I am not concerned as to how you feel because I cannot empathise with you.

This objectification manifests not just in how we parade you as a trophy, devalue you without any concern for the impact on you and then how we dis-engage and replace you, but also in the way we interact with you. The use of pet names Pet is a way of dehumanising you. We refer to you as her, she, he and him, rather than your actual name, stripping you of identity (see It for an extreme method of doing so). We reject the legitimacy of your needs and desires by placing ours first. A fridge freezer has no aspirations, no life plan or goals and we reject their applicability to you also. This objectification appears in how we interact with you, especially during devaluation

“Just do it.”

“Do what I want.”

“Get on with it.”

“Stop disobeying me.”

“You will do it or else.”

There is no asking, no politeness, no consideration given. We do not ask the washing machine if it wouldn’t mind washing our clothes so why would we ask you if you wouldn’t mind doing something for us?

You and everybody else, from our parents to our friends, to our colleagues to our children are all objects which are expected to do our bidding. Perform and we will keep you. Fail and you are replaced.

Now, why is there a flashing light on your forehead?

 

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28 thoughts on “The Expanded Narcissistic Truths – No. 6”

  1. I’ve read this one before but the meaning is different today. Today is day 1 NC.
    Hello, I’m “Supernova DE” and I’m addicted to the MMRN.

    I did it. As best I can anyway, closed the loopholes. I broke right before and texted him a polite “one last chance to talk about it” message, very brief. He thanked me for wishing him well but didn’t respond to the rest. I said,” I guess that indicates you also think there’s nothing left between us. Truth hurts but at least it’s the truth.” No reply. As usual I’m not worthy of reply, I am nothing, disposable, at least to him. So I shut down the account, it was the last “easy” way for him to contact me.

    I’m OK. Anxious, very slightly nauseous, but I could still eat. This is the right thing to do. To move on. I’ll miss it. The excitement of a secret text on my phone. The way he loved my body…in the beginning. But I know, it will never be different. I said that to him once, “Every time I think it will be different, but it just….never is.” Should’ve heard that truth way back then, but I didn’t.

    History tells me he can’t give me what I wanted. An exclusive respectful real relationship. With IRL meetings and phone calls and sharing, and sensuality and affection. Even affairs are relationships, and setting expectations doesn’t mean I’m, “making this too big a deal.” Clearly I should have taken such comments to mean we aren’t compatible.

    But I clung on. Not because I felt I couldn’t find another, they’d be lining up for the job if I let them. But because he was the one I wanted. Why? To prove to my 16 year old self that he really DID like me despite all his hot and cold behavior back then? To overcome a challenge? Because the way he was alternately attentive/supportive then dismissive/cold reminds me of my mother – acting out those old familiar childhood feelings? Ding ding. Winner.

    I must prepare for the withdrawals. I don’t know how I will deal with the urge to text him. I need to beef up my pride. I will just look crazy with more back and forth than I’ve already engaged in – and thank fuck I found HG so I know I’m not crazy, it’s just the way this whole deal plays out.

    My children need me, and they deserve it.
    My husband needs me, and he deserves it.
    My career needs my attention.
    My home needs my attention.
    My future needs my attention – and that doesn’t include him anymore.

    Sorry so long HG, needed to vent today.

  2. You know I wrote something kind of beautiful below, and it went off track. I tied together the emotional level of a narcissist to the abuse he suffered to understand that he’s not evil. I don’t know if it’s just the full moon, but I don’t like the tone here anymore.

  3. I had one “I miss you” through the last open channel (work) today after a several months of NC, and the emotional rush all over again my God!!! Can’t wait to cut off this last one soon! Didn’t reply anything but went crying again in the bathroom at work today. Bullshit!! In the very moment that I think I’m doing great, one fake sentence puts the ET on fire. Complete NC is really the only way to go

  4. I have to correct myself, because otherwise it sounds like a backhanded compliment. It was not meant that way. Replace ” You are intelligent enough” through “you are so intelligent that…”
    It is one of the most difficult things in life what a person can do: to see the own behaviour and personality without pink glasses and to describe the own personality in a correct way.
    I am sorry, that I did not express myself as I wanted. I hope, it is clearer now.

  5. I just read a book written by another narc who tries to find his way. The book is quite interesting, it is full with interviews from victims to psychotherapists to his own feelings. He really tries to show the whole spectrum, but …. he is blind that it is written from only one perspective. He is the victim, the victims are guilty, because they let him do all the evil things, they are guilty, because they do not do, what he wants. Bla, bla, bla… Zero respect for the needs of other people. Even the psychotherapists show a lot of understanding for him and his “illness.” Bla, bla, bla…. Everything is not so bad, there is no manipulation. And so on.
    At least you are honest, HG, about manipulation, lack of conscience, treating people like objects….
    You are not blind of what you do and what you feel. At least you are intelligent enough to analyse yourself. You have no blind spot.

    This is a big compliment for you from my point of view…

    You are not blind!

  6. HG, how would it feel if no one ever had emotional caring for you?

    If you were just treated as a means to an end. That you, as a person, didn’t matter. That no one cared about you or how your day went or if you were happy or sad.

    That you were just a body, replaceable, usable. No one thought of you as a person. No concern for your wellbeing or feelings.

      1. I am so sorry for the abuse you suffered from your mother, HG. She was the person who was supposed to love and protect you the most and she hurt you.

  7. So true about my sister. That’s how she interacted with me and everybody else. Although she treated me worse. I was her scapegoat sibling. At that time I just thought that she was a very bossy, insecure, and entitled person.

    1. MommyPino
      “ I just thought that she was a very bossy, insecure, and entitled person.”

      That sounds like a good description of most of the women narcs I know.

      1. So true windstorm. They are so similar it’s like they all came from a narc factory!

  8. Very well explained, makes it easy to understand.

    I was around an 18-month old toddler the other day, and I couldn’t help but compare her actions to a narcissist, since this is the same level of emotions they have.

    I watched as she started to wail when her daddy picked her up, and she ran over to me when he let her down, with a big smile on her face. He was a little hurt at her rejection, but didn’t take it personally, which is absolutely right. Everything was about her, her spotlight and demands, and us loving, cooing, and giving her all of our gleeful attention.

    Emotionally, narcissists are similar to mentally-challenged adults, only narcissism isn’t obvious.

    They don’t start off anymore evil than a toddler that is demanding, uncaring, self-centered, complaining. Of course a toddler can’t physically do things, is constantly wrangled, and can’t speak much yet. But double that emotional stage with the trauma of humiliating abuse, and now they have a chip on their shoulder, they’re bitter, frightened, ripped off and suppressed, and lacking the love and attention they long for.

    1. I don’t consider myself to be anything like a “mentally-challenged” person, emotionally or otherwise, and while I understand you’re entitled to your opinion, it’s misguided.

      I’m emotionally-challenged, empathy-challenged, socially-challenged, etc. but none of these things prevent me from functioning mentally (typically at a much higher level than most average people). Many would say my emotional functioning is significantly impaired, but my intellectual and adaptive functioning is highly developed (these two things are what help define the term “mentally-challenged”.)

      Saying we are “similar to mentally-challenged adults” is not only highly offensive to me, but it’s also a completely inaccurate statement because it lumps us in with people who are considered to be intellectually impaired in some way.

      1. ASPD26, I’ve mentioned several times on the blog that a female greater presence here would be an interesting addition. We know HGs motives for starting and maintaining this monster of a blog. If you don’t mind my asking, what do you hope to gain by your participation here? I’m truly curious. Please don’t take my comment as sarcastic. I’m here to learn.

      2. I agree. I am interested in a different perspective and what Alpha has to offer.

      3. Alphabet26

        “Saying we are “similar to mentally-challenged adults” is not only highly offensive to me, but it’s also a completely inaccurate statement because it lumps us in with people who are considered to be intellectually impaired in some way.”

        That can be answered with your own words from The Mockery of Mimicry post.

        “you need to realize – we don’t give a fuck (harsh, I know, but it’s reality).”

        Having said that, I rather liked what you offered here:

        “The harsh reality is – you don’t have to live this way if you don’t want to and you don’t have to allow someone to treat you this way. If you don’t put a stop to it, it’s a cycle that will keep repeating itself over and over and over again. It won’t stop unless you make it stop.”

        Inspiring really. I know, I know, …you don’t give a fuck.

      4. NA, the difference in our replies to this reader speak volumes about our personalities. I like you.

      5. If you’re an empath then it’s not in your nature to not give a fuck, so there again, is an inaccurate statement. In fact, many of you give so many fucks that you’re here learning how to cope with your situations from a man who is diagnosed as having NPD.

        I could just as easily argue that empaths are “mentally-challenged” because they care so much about what others think and how others feel and are so willing to sacrifice their own sanity and well-being for another person that they’ll allow someone like me to completely ruin their lives.

        But, if I did use the term “mentally-challenged” it would be totally inaccurate because it’s not a mental issue, it’s an emotional one. In my case, the issue isn’t mental, the issue is that I lack many of the fundamental qualities that many feel you need in order to be considered human.

        I was just stating the obvious with my comments about refusing to allow people like us to treat others like shit. I’m not particularly concerned with inspiring others, but I am concerned with accuracy and things making sense.

      6. Alpha26

        The not giving a fuck was with regard to you being offended, so was completely accurate on my end. I found the irony in your previous statement about not giving a fuck humorous in relation to your being offended here. That was all. For the record, I am not your enemy and I do consider you quite human. I look forward to what you have to offer from the female narc perspective if that is indeed what you are.

      7. Alpha- You Misunderstood!
        I was saying you’re Emotionally-Challenged – unlike other challenges, yours is not obvious!

      8. I didn’t misunderstand at all because this is what you wrote:

        “Emotionally, narcissists are similar to mentally-challenged adults, only narcissism isn’t obvious.”

        I get what you’re saying – you’re saying that our “disability” isn’t noticeable. But if you apply the definition of what mentally-challenged actually means, then you can’t be surprised that I’d take offense to that since I don’t view myself as being mentally challenged or mentally deficient.

        Emotionally challenged, yes. Emotionally and morally deficient, you betcha! But mentally, believe it or not, I’m sharp as a razor’s edge.

        I also beg to differ that my “challenges” aren’t obvious because there are people in my life who are well aware of who and what I am because I didn’t really make much effort to hide it.

        I hide and blend in and wear masks and shape-shift when I need to but the rest of the time, I just am.

      9. Emotional intelligence is certainly “a thing”. As in you can indeed know shit that isn’t obvious to others.

  9. Pingback: The Expanded Narcissistic Truths – No. 6 — Knowing the Narcissist – Maritza S. Rivera
  10. This is so true. Hard to still believe at times, until I look at some of the very evil things I’ve done.
    It brings up an arsenal of hurt, shame, and anger.
    I think my brown eyes just turned to black.
    It’s all beyond well written.
    Thanks, HG.

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