A Piece Of Your Mind


Vent your spleen. Have your say. Give us both barrels. Let us know what you really think. Such sentiments towards my kind are entirely understandable and they invariably occur post discard and sometimes post escape. There are differing rationales associated with this almost overwhelming need to speak to us about your experience of being entangled with our kind.

1.      Anger. You realise how you have been manipulated, abused and taken for a fool. Your anger is substantial and you feel a pressing need to unleash that anger against us with a litany of insults and some choice language.

2.      Enlightenment. You have had your epiphany and realised precisely what ensnared you, how it happened and why. You have seized this knowledge and now feel elated that you have done so. There is a sense of superiority in finally having all the pieces of the puzzle click into place and you want to confront us. You may not actually tell us what we are but you will certainly want to use the words, “I know what you are now.”

3.      Unfinished Business Part One. Nearly all discards occur without you being told that the Formal Relationship is over and if you are given such notice you are rarely given any proper or adequate explanation as to why this has happened. This results in the need to confront us at a later stage in order to try to find out why what has happened, has happened.

4.      Unfinished Business Part Two. This is akin to the situation above but the basis of this confrontation is in order to demand of us how we could do what we did and address your need to have us explain ourselves for what we did during the relationship.

5.      To Understand. You do not know what you were entangled with and you are unable to comprehend how somebody could behave in that manner towards you after everything that you did for us. This tirade details all of the help you gave us, the advantages that you conferred on us and each and every thing you did for us in the name of love.

6.      Clear the Smear. Predictably enough, you will have been smeared following your entanglement with us. You have heard all about the lies that have been peddled about you and you want to set us straight about how those comments were wrong, that you did not behave in the manner which we have described to other people and ultimately how you need to clear your name.

7.      The Right to Be Heard. You have a significant desire to want to be heard, especially as our manipulation of you will have caused you to feel that you have not been listened to during the Formal Relationship. You want your voice to be heard, you need to articulate your thoughts and feelings and an opportunity to avail yourself of discharging this need is too good to pass up.

8.      Convey the Pain. You remain horrendously wounded by your experience of being entangled with us and you want to let us know how badly we hurt you, how much it pains you still and how upset you are to have been treated this way.

9.      Sing the Praises. Sometimes you exhibit a capacity for nobility which manages to transcend the hurt, the pain and the anger. You remain bewitched by the golden period and all those magnificent attributes that you believe we still possess and therefore rather than attack us, expound bitterness or lash out, you declare all the reasons why you still love us, why you find us mesmerising despite what has happened and you wish us well for the future.

10. Justice. It is only right that are given the right of reply to the treatment that has been meted out against you.

11. Medicine. You put up with the tantrums, the lengthy invectives, the oral onslaughts and you were pummelled by our words. Now it is the time to give us a taste of our own medicine.

Whatever the motivation may be, your need and desire to have that final confrontation with us, to purge yourself of all those thoughts and considerations is huge and is very difficult for you to resist. Indeed, most of the time you do not resist it at all, instead you look to engineer situations whereby you are able to speak to us and deliver this tirade, this riposte, this howitzer. You will seek us out in order to provide us with a piece of your mind. Is this a good thing? Well, there are two potential upsides when this is looked at from your perspective. The first is that you are able to get things off your chest. All those thoughts which have whirled around your mind for weeks on end, the ifs and buts which prevented you from sleeping, the imponderables and the unanswered have been released as you allow your words to explode from you in an outburst of emotion applicable to whichever rationale which has driven you to this point. The second is that you may well feel that you have achieved some kind of closure by engaging in this step of giving us a piece of your mind.

But what about our perspective on all of this? What does this blast, this sounding off and this diatribe mean to us? This is where giving a piece of your mind in such a manner is actually not a good thing for you to do. Why is this?

1.      Sounding off in such an emotional manner, whether it is insulting us with angry words, crying with pain, savagely mauling us with a sneering and twisted face or even expressing how you still love us, just provides us with fuel and it is plentiful. You may have collared us on the telephone to vent at us. Anybody normal would end the call as they are repeatedly harangued and insulted, but not us, we will listen as we soak up all that fuel. Yes, we will be argumentative, defensive and belligerent but that is just to keep your tirade going owing to the plentiful fuel you are providing to us.

2.      This is a prime opportunity for us to hoover you. If we see you are angry, we may express false contrition, if you are hurt and upset we may declare how we will make changes so everything is right, if you reminisce about our wonderful times we will offer that golden period again to you. You are giving us a glorious opportunity to hoover you and in your heightened emotional state there is a good chance this will succeed.

3.      If we do not hoover at this point, you have just given us several reasons to execute a hoover at a later juncture by confirming to us that you remain adrift in the emotional state, you are fountaining with fuel and still beholden to us. The signs are good and it all points to a successful hoover in the near future.

4.      You confirm to us that you have failed to grasp the logic and reason of the situation and therefore your defences are weak. This means that further manipulations can be used and they will prove effective in terms of fuel and control.

5.      We take no notice of what you are actually saying. You may think that your speech is devastating, that you are landing telling blows on us, that you are assassinating our character and making us look terrible. You are not. You are playing into our hands. We are laughing at you inside.

6.      You are confirming that we continue to have considerable control over you. We may be busy with a new primary source but this confirmation acts as a green light to further unleashing of manipulations against you because you are not able to let go.

The temptation to give us a piece of your mind is vast and overwhelming but if done in the usual emotional fashion of the typical empathic individual you are just giving us more of what we want, failing to hurt us and extending your own entanglement with us.


19 thoughts on “A Piece Of Your Mind”

  1. That’s precisely why I kept silence.

    Did I know all that? No.

    I just felt this strange emptiness inside as if screaming, crying, etc… would mean nothing. Everything was falling into this black hole. It was more of a sensation than actually knowledge. It is not death. It was a strange emptiness that I have never experienced before. Like a wound, an empty wound.

    Why waste energy?

    Besides his pleasant demeanor in receiving my anger caused me to stop in my tracks. Wait a minute. I am about to cuss and curse the living life out of you and you seem to benefit from my anger? Huh, something is not right here. A normal guy would end the call, leave, block me.
    He was having pleasure! So, I knew something was off beyond my comprehension and as he sat down and prepared himself to receive my gigantic load of negative fuel, I went numbed and cold. I chilled instead. My face had no expression whatsoever. I felt like a doll sitting there emotionless. What caused me to do that? I don’t know exactly but instinctively I sensed he fed off my emotions.

    So, I said nothing. I emptied myself of any emotions and feelings. I numbed my pain. I accepted I was dealing with a different type of human being so I played dead to survive. I became hollow and quiet.

    He kept saying: unleash your anger!

    And I was like… I am not mad.

    Silence from his part. Then he said: what are you then, Kathy?

    I got quiet. He got furious, insanely furious.

    I said: I am not mad. I hope she serves you well.

    Haven’t heard from him ever since. Neither do I want to hear from him.

    Everything disappeared from inside of me like disintegration.

    I don’t know what it was that caused my being to react that way. It just did. Since I am an empath, I guess I sensed his hollowness, I experienced it. I became him inside.

    He will never know my thoughts. He can get thought fuel from imagining it but he won’t savor the full course of my passionate hate. I am magnetic. He can’t handle me. Many, many times he said I drained him empty and he couldn’t understand why. He will never know… never.

  2. Pingback: A Piece Of Your Mind | NarcTopia
  3. In the news this morning: a 15 year old boy in Florida killed his mother over an argument about a bad grade. Then he got two friends to help him bury her body under a fire pit at a church, he had strangled her. His father was out of town. He went to school the next morning and acted like nothing had happened. He called 911 in the afternoon to say the house had been broken into. They found his mother’s body though, and I guess he confessed. The police said he had no remorse, he was a soulless individual, and the boy said he should have gotten an academy award for his performance on the 911 call.

    1. Hello kel!
      I just read the story about the FL mom’s murder by her son. Absolutely horrific. No pictures of him released yet because he is a minor. I’m waiting to see if he looks as dead behind the eyes as that Chris Watts who murdered his pregnant wife and two daughters.

    2. kel
      I heard about it last night and it is an excellent example of a lack of conscience, guilt and remorse, as well as, compartmentalization.

      He may be a narcissistic psychopath.

      I wonder what his parents did to him when he was little.

    3. I just read this too. The sheriff said in the interview he acted like the smartest person in the room giving theories about what happened to her and where the sould focus their investigation. Its so crazy. I’ll be interested to hear more about their family life.

  4. Well, oh my! I saw mine again, had too many wines– remembering the ‘wedding ring’ he had on when he arrived! I lost it- I gave him all the barrels in a lounge- yes in public I made a fool of myself!!! Oh well, I feel strangely calm now! Also, he was here to meet with fancy doctors ( private doctors) get tests and come back in a month- he has Congestive Heart Failure ! How is that possible? Do you not require a heart to have heart failure? He has not used his often so how could it be breaking down? Anyway, guess ‘wife number 4’ (if she really exists) is going to have her work cut out for her, no divorce here, she will want the inheritance and he will make life hell for her!!!!
    Guess, I am again so glad I am not Number 4! All of us will be free with 1 1/2 to 3 years- bet I do not get invited to the FUNeral!!!

  5. I totally agree with everything in this article.

    However, I would be lying if I say that after learning so much about my half sister from the articles here, if I had the chance, that I wouldn’t be tempted to tell her, “You’re a narcissist! And you know what? You’re not even a Greater! You’re just a mediocre Mid-Ranger! You should be embarrassed!”

  6. Hello again HG,

    I love your writings. So powerful and beautifully sophisticated to read.

    In terms of wanting to tell the narc how one feels, it’s like a tsunami of emotion. It goes from the sublime to the ridiculous and at times I’ve actually become physically hot as the rage inside rises up. Thankfully that rarely happens.

    For me, when I realised how futile it was to share my feelings of any kind, I began to write them. On my phone, in an email draft that will never be read by anyone but myself.

    It has sections filled with pain. Some are full of anger. Some are insults and the c word appears a little too much as well. When I re read these things I write, it heals because I can see I’m actually moving forward. The gaps between posts are getting more infrequent, and the last few are powerful and show self worth and oh my – the words ‘I know what you are now’.

    I know he will reappear in some way even though I’m in no contact. But I’m ready. I know it’s so simple – all I have to do is ignore. Not reply. Not utter a word. Not write one.

    But as you also know, it’s the hardest thing to do too. Because we always wish the beautiful person we first met would reappear and life would be a fairy tale.

    Reading my email that will never be read by another, keeps me on track. It reminds me of the lies, the silent treatments, the triangulation, the bullshit and mind f*ckery that had me unable to eat, and even shower at its worst point.

    But, my greatest strength comes from reading your words. It soothes me to know I’m not insane. That I’m not unworthy. That I’m not a piece of shit. That I’m actually very lucky to be where I am now.

    I was almost suicidal at my lowest, and I was in so much physical pain from the emotional turmoil I was in, I just wanted someone to shoot me. It was too cruel. And he used social media to show how life was just grand for him.

    I’m good now. And I know things will not improve for him. It will continue – this cycle for him. He will be with more than one – and still get bored. Nothing will make him happy- nothing will fill him up.

    But I’m strong enough to resist any Hoover’s.
    Because I’ve already prepared myself.
    I know I’ll get butterflies – I know I’ll be so tempted.

    But I can come here and read your words. And even my own – will give me enough power to ignore.

    Thank you so much, HG. I really wish you had never suffered in your childhood to be in this place you’re in.
    But I think you’re so clever and in touch with yourself, that you are able to win against your past hurts too.
    There is nothing ordinary about you. And I’m so grateful to find you here.

    Thank you.

  7. Ohhhhh, I needed this. I’ve had two very difficult days back to back & I needed a stern reminder to keep my fuel valve shut off.
    I left the narc 1/30/18 and found HG 1/31/18. I know better—I need to keep my mouth shut no matter the ire that rises up in me. And I gladly pronounce, I’ve not berated him once since I escaped. But I came damn close yesterday. Triggers. They suck.
    Thank you HG for this timely article.

    And, I wish to publicly apologize to you, HG for calling you Douche Dick, or whatever it was I said. I was making fun of you and I took it too far. My thinking is that because you’re a narc, you have no feelings so I took the liberty of going at you with both barrels. In all likelihood, you thought nothing of it but it’s not my style to name-call. I guess since I assume you can’t feel, I allowed myself to get carried away with something I thought was funny. But really, it wasn’t.
    Please accept my apology.

    You’re the only narc to which I’ve ever apologized. Don’t go and get a big head about it.

    1. Apology accepted but you need not be concerned about insulting me in such a way, it doesn’t perturb me.

      1. Thank you.
        I know you’ve been called worse (derogatory British words I’ve probably never heard) but this was more me regretting my behavior.
        I think a few decades ago I became a grownup and truly, it’s best I stay that way.

        If I may, a shameless plug for my country….. AMERICA, GET OUT TODAY AND VOTE!
        We fled HG’s mean King George III for days such as this. VOTE! As an American, it’s your right….and responsibilitity.
        I am NOT starting a political debate. This is not the forum. There are *plenty* others for that.

        HG, I appreciate you.


Vent Your Spleen!

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.