5 Common No Contact Mistakes – No. 3 Talking About Us

5-common-no-contact-mistakes-3

“Fire and swords are slow engines of destruction compared to the tongue of a gossip.”

– Richard Steele

True words indeed.

Gossip is a sure fire way to destroy your imposition of no contact.

When you have implemented no contact you will have most likely have ensured that you stay out of our way. You may not have been able to move house but if you see us standing outside of your house, you call the police or if we approach your front door you do not open it. You block our numbers on your ‘phone and do not answer any number which you do not recognise. You use your voicemail to screen calls and if you hear our voice on the recording, you immediately delete it. You shut down your social media to keep us at bay and you may even leave social media altogether. You change routes so you do not pass where we work or frequent. You make the appropriate changes to ensure that we do not approach you in person or through technology. You may not be able to move house or job, but you put in place all other steps that you can to effect no contact. If we cannot engage with you then that is an effective no contact is it not?

To a large extent it is indeed, but one of the common mistakes that our victims make is to continue to talk about us to other people. It is an understandable mistake. You have just experienced the hellish rollercoaster of being entangled with us. Whether you know exactly what we are or not, you realised you had to get out and stay out and thus you have. Nevertheless, so much of what has happened still does not make sense to you. So often you still miss us, the brilliant warmth of the golden period now missing and the frozen wasteland it leaves behind is hard to endure. It is inevitable that you discuss this with other people; your friends, your family and your colleagues. After all, they have listened to you during the tortuous ensnarement. They were the ones who comforted you as you wept, as you seethed with frustration, as you bellowed with rage. They helped you follow us, gather intelligence on other people that we were interacting with and they played detective with you as you sought to work out what was really going on.

Barely a day went by without you espousing how wonderful we were.

Barely a day went by without you bemoaning how bewildering we were.

Those around you listened. They were involved and they were living your torment too.

Accordingly, it is little wonder that your friend, who cares about you, asks when they telephone you,

“Have you heard anything from him?”

It is not a surprise when your mother rings to make sure you are okay by asking,

“Is he troubling you still?”

It is expected that your colleague brings you a coffee and his first words are,

“Any word from you know who?”

However well-meaning these people are, their continued mention of us to you acts a form of ever presence. They are continuing your addiction to us. As they recount with you the things that happened, as you revisit for the twentieth time that strange night a month ago, as you recollect what went on between you with shakes of the head and open-mouthed disbelief they are spreading and reinforcing our ever presence. We remain with you as if we were standing in the room. Your emotions remain poisoned by the mention of our name and the memory of our behaviours.

In the same way as looking at an item which we gifted you maintains the ever presence, the continued discussion of us amounts to the same thing. We remain in your mind and heightening your emotions. Accordingly, this continues your susceptibility to being hoovered. You keep being reminded of us so you may want to have some more information on us, thus you look at our social media or even message us when that half bottle of pinot grigio starts to impact on your reasoning. Your no contact remains under threat by these repeated discussions about us and even if you do not crumble and reach out to us, the fact of you still thinking about us and remaining at risk of emotional thinking means that when the hoover comes (and it invariably will) you are at a greater risk of it working on you.

Talking about us is not a solitary risk however. It is not just the risk that you are reinforcing ever presence but you are also risking the provision of fuel and the drawing of our attention.

Be under no illusion that we will have at least one Lieutenant in your camp and of course several in our own. Should you meet one of our friends, you can be guaranteed that he or she will talk about us. They will mention how we are, what we have been doing, who we are with and they will take note of your reaction. They will also be asking about you. It may seem pleasant and polite as they ask where you are living these days or how work is doing, where you have been, do you go to Rico’s any longer and if not where do you go instead. What passes for a pleasant conversation with someone who you wish to remain on good terms with, even if they are perceived as being in ‘our camp’ is indeed an information gathering exercise.

This Lieutenant in our camp will report back to us. They, for the most part, will do so innocently enough, wanting to tell us that they have seen you and to update us on what you are doing as part and parcel of the normal discussion about someone that counts to social lubrication.

The Lieutenant in your camp is there as a spy. He or she is tasked with feeding back information about you on a regular basis. What are you saying about us? How are you feeling about us? Are you hurt still? Do you pine for us? Do you curse us or want us back? Your emotions as our name comes up are noted and then fed back to us and this will provide us with some fuel because we are being told how you have reacted to us.

Furthermore, the fact you are providing fuel and information which can be used, for instance where you now work or live, who you socialise with and where, even obtaining your new contact details, puts you at an increased risk of being hoovered and your no contact failing.

You talking about us to a Lieutenant or even a member of our coterie means this occurrence will reach us. Thus we may well gain fuel but most of all you have entered a sphere of influence and thus there is the activation of a Hoover Trigger. In terms of the Hoover Execution Criteria, the bar is being lowered. This is because you have provided fuel for us and like a shark scenting blood we know that there is more fuel to be had. You remain vulnerable to us. We have also gained knowledge of a way to contact you and thus the bar falls lower still. Your interaction with somebody who is a conduit for information and fuel means that you increase significantly the risk of a hoover being deployed against you. We are emboldened and bring our seductive powers to bear on you with a Benign Follow-Up Hoover and in your fragile state there is a risk that you will fold and thus the act of gossip has destroyed your no contact.

In the way that we delete you effectively when we have a new primary source, you ought to apply the same principle when you effect No Contact. Ban the use of our name. Explain to all of those around you that you do not want to hear about us in any way. Do not, however tempting, discuss us with people around you. You may think that you can trust those in your circle but we are often able to place ‘Our Man’ in among those you think are on your side and this fifth columnist will be working against you. If you say nothing about us, this deletion will be conveyed to us and this will irritate us and raise the hoover bar on the Hoover Execution Criteria.

Even if you have not been infiltrated, you ought not to mention us in order to diminish the effects of ever presence which are caused by repeated thoughts and discussion about us.

Banish us from your mind, from your words and from the gossip of others in order to avoid weakening your resistance and causing your no contact to fail.

 

 

 

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16 thoughts on “5 Common No Contact Mistakes – No. 3 Talking About Us”

  1. Well, when the Ativan ( for panic attacks) and HG were not having the desired response I FINALLY went on antidepressants!! Saved my life LITERALLY!!!! Never taken them before, but finally I am truly happy and do not give a rats ass if it is because I am on mind altering drugs! It works and I am at peace, happy– so yes sometimes you need them! Talking and talking, thinking and thinking about them?? Really time to STOP thinking and talking about THEM!!!

  2. So sick of having to run what used to be my normal happy life according to a narcopaths malignant mental defects. Even no contact I must now follow rigid rules dictated by his psychosis or I continue to pay. Pay for what? Oh, for giving unconditional love to the wrong man. For that I now have my whole life a continuing practice of how I must behave to be allowed to survive mentally emotionally spiritually physically and try to regain ‘me’. Even this good self help effort exists because of him. Blast it !! How I wish I had NEVER met him!!!
    Great site HG wish none of us had need of all this . Most pain ever. Arg!

    1. I think someone is lucky if they are allowed to go no contact . Some narcopaths will force you to break it just to get the continued high . When you realize you will never be let out of this nightmare – you find yourself worse than dead . HG , no contact implemented – children are being hurt to get a reaction . Over my head -he needs to be stopped . I think this greater would make you proud and you would be chums and have a good laugh . But just to show your acumen , maybe you could offer the mortal wound .

  3. HG and readers–To what extent do you think processing N abuse with a therapist or counselor crosses into the dangerous territory of cultivating ever-presence? I have found the process extremely helpful, but I am at the point now where I wonder if talking about it all the time is getting less helpful. Any thoughts or opinions appreciated.

    1. I haven’t been to see a therapist, but I was constantly thinking it through, talking about it here, using methods to resolve stuff and PTSD, etc., for a whole year here, daily. Then I felt I needed to focus on positive things, live again, and not remind myself of any of this at all anymore. But then there are phases when new issues pop up, or I’m not doing well, also new experiences, or I want to look at other aspects.

      So, I would go with your own feelings about what you need. Sounds like you might want to try a break from therapy. Looking back of course takes energy, and focus, and you need to look at new, positive things and need your resources for that. Like that story about turning around and freezing into a pillar of salt.

    2. J
      That sounds to me like the time to either move on to other problems with your therapist or stop going to see them. A therapist is like a doctor, but for your mind. You go to them when you’re sick and stop when you’re better.

    3. J
      I never saw a therapist, all I did was vent here, read and establish low contact (we have a daughter) and the golden period and ever presence just fizzled out and I stopped thinking about it. It took about a year for me to get better.

      Now, I am just focusing on the dynamic and maintenance.

      1. K, this is the best therapy! (And free to boot!) The Boss is very generous to provide such a wonderful place for us. Therapy is expensive and not very effective. (From my experience.) Thank you HG!

      2. MB
        Honestly, I think most therapy is a waste of time and money. If you don’t have accurate information, you can’t effectively move forward, learn to recognize them and defend yourself or prevent another ensnarement. You are doomed to keep repeating the cycle.

    4. J,
      I agree with Windstorm on her comment.
      I am in therapy and it has helped me significantly, as well as HG and this site. I have spent a lot of our sessions processing my two relationships to include the “latest and greatest” situation with one or another. I understand that is healthy. What is not becoming healthy is when that topic becomes the distraction from exploring other topics, other layers of the onion that is me. I don’t know if I do it to keep protecting myself or if it is to keep connected to those relationships. Thankfully my therapist is starting to challenge me more.
      If that is not similar as you are finding for yourself, then maybe ava101’s and Windstorm’s advice of potentially being ready to step away from therapy can be the healthiest choice. It is good to be able to say “that was good and did what I needed it to but now is time for the next step.”

    5. J
      your comment about therapy has got me thinking….

      I find it is best done in ‘bites’, in small stages that I can intensely think about, and then have space where it is being worked out in the subconscious realm. It’s still in process but my conscious mind is on other things to give my emotions a break. This results in productivity for me.
      Our mind and body have their own natural rhythm, and once we become attuned to it, and work with it, and love ourselves with it, we are in the zone. It’s easier.

      I could, for example, plan to process upsetting things on a certain day, but if I can’t stomach it, of it makes me overwhelmed, then I do something else instead. The therapy fits around that basic structure. My therapists all work this way too. I spread the therapy appointments out as needed.
      (I have seen a few that were not helpful, so didn’t continue with them).
      It’s the only way for me to tackle everpresence, it doesn’t contribute to everpresence.
      There is no sentimental brooding or psychic flagellation of the self; it is the business of restoring order to the shattered, and healing to the trampled and abused parts. It slowly wears down the ‘pointy end’ of everpresence, I find. What once was like an acid burn on your heart becomes uncomfortable and unwanted, but it doesn’t sting acutely anymore. This is a long, slow process, and is made slower when shame is triggered.
      It’s the clean up after the cyclone has been through initially, and then it becomes infrastructure maintenance and reinforcement.

      Doing something for ourselves, being proactive, is better than feeling victimized. I’ve been reading for understanding, inner strength, healing and personal growth since I was 17, in retrospect. Visits to psychologists came much later, and were occasional until recently. I reference narcsite articles in my discussions with them now, as well as respected published authors/therapists.

  4. HG,
    have you heard of the murderer (and rapist, and torturer) David Dobson?
    He murdered (over 35 years ago) brutally a young girl and then went and made phone calls, and wrote letters & sent evidence to the police, contacted the media, left evidence lying around, etc., all in such a stupid way, that he was caught right away.
    That is cleary narcissistic & sadistic & sociopathic ….
    … but why ?? would he be so stupid?! Can someone be that delusional?
    And what kind of narc is that??

    Am I right that you wouldn’t feel challenged, if you didn’t bring a victim under control mentally?

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