5 Common No Contact Mistakes – No. 4 The Need To “Sign Off”

5-common-no-contact-mistakes-5

The most common conclusion to the romantic entanglement with our kind is for you to be discarded. Certainly this is what happens the first time around for most people. Later on, the likelihood of it ending because you escape increases as a consequence of either increased knowledge or awareness and/or being unwilling or unable to endure the consequences of your treatment for any longer.

Where you have been discarded, it is understandably common for victims to do a number of things, which includes :-

  1. Trying to resurrect the Formal Relationship with us;
  2. Wanting answers as to why you were discarded;
  3. Wanting answers to understand how you have been treated;
  4. Wanting to address outstanding issues such as financial and/or property issues;
  5. Wanting us to understand how much you love us/you are hurt/you are angry etc

Whilst you may want to tear a strip off us and give us a piece of your mind it is usually the case when you have been discarded that your response is not so much an aggressive one, but more one of bewilderment, pleading, trying to get together again and sort matters out, or eventual resignation and hurt with a recognition of the need to tie up those loose ends such as money owed, the return of possessions and so forth. The general stance by those discarded is not usually aggressive in nature.

When you have been discarded from being our Intimate Partner Primary Source this has happened most of the time because you have been replaced by somebody else. We have somebody new, exciting and with that wonderful positive fuel which we want to last forever. This means that you will be effectively deleted from our minds. This is the ideal opportunity for you to establish your no contact. We have focused elsewhere and we do not want you interfering with our new embedded primary source. You are actually being given a head start at no contact but most people do not take this opportunity. This is because they cannot make sense of what has happened to them, nor what they need to do. They remain in the emotional sea and unable to make any progress.

The desire to sign off and gain some kind of closure by engaging in items 1-5 above (and more besides) means that you try to contact us, whether it is in person, by letter, telephone call or electronic message. At best you will be politely rebuffed and if you accept that rejection and stay out of our way, you are highly unlikely to hear anything more from us until the new primary source is devalued and we come after you by virtue of the hoover. However, if you continue to want to achieve the “sign off” by engaging in sustained contact you will receive malign hoovers to drive you away. You will be smeared even further and you will be triangulated with the new primary source.

However it will not end there.

If you eventually stay away and look at implementing no contact, your post discard behaviour has generated a significant risk to maintaining that no contact. You have already been painted black by virtue of being a treacherous and failed appliance. Your failure to accept you have been discarded (because you keep contacting us) not only infuriates us because we see it as our right to engage in the golden period with the new primary source free from interference from you, but you are failing to do what we want. Yes, we will issue malign hoovers for the purposes of drawing negative fuel from you when there is engagement. Your insolent behaviour for not  staying out of our way means that when Follow-Up Hoovers occur at a later stage (subject as ever to the Hoover Trigger and Hoover Execution Criteria) is likely to result in a malice obsession trigger so that there are repeated Hoover Triggers and that we will embark on a malign campaign against you.

Thus, when your replacement is being devalued, we will be seeking a replacement and one of two things will happen. We will either devalue the existing primary source, seduce a fresh prospective primary source AND malign hoover you by way of punishment or we will devalue the existing primary source, seduce you once again and do so purely for the purpose of drawing you back in. You will be drawn back in but only as an Intimate Partner Secondary Source and then we will torment you. You will be placed on the shelf for long periods by way of punishment. You will be subjected to devaluing behaviour, this being one of the exceptions to when IPSSs usually enjoy elongated golden periods.

It tends to be the case that the Lesser and Lower Mid Rangers will adopt for the malign hoover campaign only. The Upper Mid Ranger and Greaters will adopt one or the other given their greater degree of sophistication and calculation.

Thus the desire to seek some kind of sign off with us when we discard you has numerous effects but so far as no contact is concerned you have created the risk that we will come after you with a vengeance either in a malign fashion or to torment you further by bringing you back under our wing in a supposedly benign fashion.

Your repeated failure to do what we wanted post discard means you run the risk of creating a malice obsession with us and thus this will cause repeated Hoover Triggers so that in ordinary circumstances you may well have reduced the Hoover Triggers to a very low level, but now, you are causing them frequently with the consequences that follow as we keep hoovering looking to disrupt your attempt at no contact.

Thus, that is the risk where you have been discarded. What of when you have escaped?

In this situation you are far more likely to have resolve, worked things out, planned and perhaps you even know what we are. Combine this with how you have been treated by us means that the desire to “sign off”with us in some way is huge. In the case of your escape, this manifests usually in the following ways:-

  1. Seeking to expose us to third parties;
  2. Telling us how terrible we are;
  3. Looking to hurt us in some way;
  4. Unleashing your anger on us;
  5. Telling us we need to change and seek help.

In essence your sign off is not so much about seeking answers and/or sorting things out as it might be when you have been discarded but it is about getting one over on us.

You will undoubtedly feel better for telling us what  obnoxious, unfaithful, hurtful bastards we are. You will feel a sense of relief at telling us how you hate us or how you pity us. You will feel a sense of accomplishment by telling us what we are. However with all of that comes a considerable risk to the no contact you will want to put in place once you have escaped.

First of all, the usual “sign off” is done in a fuel filled manner. If you confront us you will be utterly unable to deliver your tirade or announcement without giving us fuel. Even if by telephone or in a letter it will be fuel filled. I have seen it often. This means that your last act as you escape is to remind us of what an excellent fuel provider you are. The consequence of this means that the Initial Grand Hoover which follows as we seek to bring you back under our control will be fiercer. If the IGH does not work and we are forced to find a new primary source, when there is a Hoover Trigger for a Follow-Up Hoover further in time, you will automatically lower  the bar on the Hoover Execution Criteria because you have given us an excellent fuel imprint at “sign off”. Thus you increase the risk of successful hoovers.

If you have wounded us through this sign off (which usually happens with exposure attempts rather than your final message to us) then this  creates a risk to your intended no contact. The IGH becomes furious as we are driven to assert control, gain fuel and heal the wound. You will also have created the risk of causing a malice obsession so that if the IGH fails, you have increased the risk of Hoover Triggers when we devalue your replacement. Thus when you are trying to maintain no contact we will keep hoovering you with intensity. Either from a frenzied IGH or later through repeatedly triggered Follow-Up Hoovers which will be malign in nature.

Accordingly, whilst the desire to “sign off” with us in some way will be either inevitable (post discard since you do not know what you are dealing with) or difficult to resist (post escape because you want your final say to us) the fact of signing off will increase the risk that your no contact implementation will fail.

Resist the temptation to sign off and thus maximise your chances of a successful no contact implementation.

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “5 Common No Contact Mistakes – No. 4 The Need To “Sign Off””

  1. Hi HG,

    it reminds me of my case. I can equate with both scenarios (after the escape and after the discard). I’d like to ask if it’s possible that my behaviour and the refusal to do what he wanted me to do started some kind of malice obsession that led to reapeted hoovers and also change in his behavior from malign to benign.

    in my case it looked like this:

    1. He was devaluaing me so I escaped. After a month he hoovered me back (I knew there was something really wrong with him, before the escape I even told him I suspect he is a narcissist but after a separation my ET caused me to hope he will change and I agreed to give him a chance).

    2. After a few weeks nothing had changed, I was again calling him out on his abusive behavior but this time he was faster and discarded me first – shift blamed me, gaslightning me to make me believe it was me who was abusive. He told me to stay out.

    3. At this point I fully understood he was a narcissist and I was manipulated all the way. I tried to stay out but a few days after the discard he was trying to push my buttons passively, I was still angry so I contacted him and told him he is abusive sociopath and I know his game and will no longer play.

    4. It caused a massive fury, gaslightning, shift blaming, projection, name calling and in the end he blocked me.

    5. I went no contact but I didn’t block him back.

    6. After a month of silence he unblocked me and started the hoovering – mean texts to push my buttons again and start a fight. I was responding in neutral way or wasn’t responding at all.

    7. It didn’t caused him to stop hoovering me. During 6 months he was texting me every week. But since I refused to give him negative fuel (and probably he was devaluing someone else at that time), the nature of these hooves changed. There were apologies for the pain he caused and even some compliments – a little bit of love bombing. I stopped responding at all. After one of these love bombs I blocked him (sweet revenge since he didn’t expect it at all).

    8. In response he blocked me back. But after 4 months of silence he unblocked me. I did nothing.

    9. So now he is blocked for about 9 months. I am unblocked for about 5 months. He can’t contact me directly but tries some passive hoovers every few weeks through his social media – probably wanting me to unblock him and play the game once again.

    So my questions are:

    Is this something you write about in this article – some kind of malice obsession after the discard?

    Does his shift in behaviour towards me after the discard means he is at least upper mid ranger who still seeks his revenge and calculates how to punish me for my treatchery?

  2. Hello HG,

    Please would you answer my question below to help my understanding of the following statement?

    “we will devalue the existing primary source, seduce you once again and do so purely for the purpose of drawing you back in. You will be drawn back in but only as an Intimate Partner Secondary Source”

    Would the former IPPS of a MRN ever be reinstated as the Primary Source and if so under what circumstances and if not, why not?

    Many thanks,

    Alice

    1. Yes the Former IPPS may well be re-instated as IPPS. The circumstances where that would happen would be where our needs require it to happen – thus to satisfy The Prime Aims. It is fairly common for this to happen because we have invested in you already, have ensnared you once already (and invariably this does not mean once bitten twice shy owing to a lack of knowledge about who has ensnared you and/or the impact of Emotional Thinking) and know how to manipulate you the most effectively.

  3. Pingback: 5 Common No Contact Mistakes – No. 4 The Need To “Sign Off” ⋆ NarcTopia | NarcTopia

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.