The Desire to Destroy the Narcissist


I know you hate me. Your kind are filled with love and then filled with hate. There is no need to deny it. It is a normal reaction for someone like you and one which I entirely endorse and encourage. I know you will try and mask that burning anger that you feel by saying you pity me or that you have nothing but contempt for me but I can see it. Those sensational eyes of yours that once blazed with desire, passion and most of all hope, are now filled with the churning, billowing flames of hatred. Some of you will fight to contain this sensation. You fear that by giving in to this hatred that you will somehow be on a level with me. I can ease your fears in that regard. You are nowhere near my level and nor were you. I placed you far higher than me to begin with. Yes it was artificial and all part of my design but you had no complaint then did you? You did not object or demur when I thrust you skywards and planted you on that pedestal. Of course you did not. Who would? Nobody would and least of all somebody like you. Now you are on your true level, way down below me, cast onto stony ground, broken and shattered. Amazing though isn’t it how you managed to summon such an anger from somewhere. How many times had you said to your confidantes that you felt numb (yes they were reporting back to me). Yet now look at you. A seething, glowering fireball of hatred and it is all directed at me. I adore this.

You want to destroy me. I know you do. You all do. The one before you was exactly the same as the one before was and the one before her. The next one will be just the same,although I do still hold out some hope that she might just be different and somehow avoid the mistakes all those who have gone before have made. I have seen this hatred many times and your desire for revenge is strong. Of course it is. I made it this way. Everything I did as I brought you down low was programmed to cause you to eventually explode into hatred. From elation to despair, through broken to numb. Eventually the switch would be flicked and as puppet master I ignite the fire beneath you which stokes the flames of hatred. Despise me, go on, do it. Send those wicked words towards me. Tell me what a bastard I am. Keep it coming. Pull your hair, wave your fist and stamp your feet. Tell me how you are going to scratch my car. Feels good does it not? Believe me, it feels even better being on the receiving end of your bile and hate. Go on, sit with your friends and plot your revenge, I can feel you all huddled around your cauldron as you try and concoct ways at getting back at me. I feel so powerful knowing you are focussed on seeking retribution. This is what I want. I want to bask in the heat of your anger, I want to be covered in the disgust and distaste that you will spew towards me. I want you scheming, hatching and planning. By hurting you so deeply I plant inside you that overwhelming desire to get even with me. It happens every time and is all part of my master plan to ensure you, my beautiful appliance keep pouring fuel in my direction. I make you seek revenge for in doing so, your planning and ham-fisted execution of the same give me what I want. Fuel. You are blinded with your hatred so that you fail to realise you will not succeed in gaining revenge, not by shouting, spitting and scratching. Oh no, this overload of howling anger is just a banshee of fuel to me. I will twist and shift as I thwart your attempts, laughing at your pathetic efforts to try and get one over on me. This will spur you on as I lead you on yet another merry dance as I continue to take from you exactly what I need.

All you will do by obsessing over trying to bring me down is remain ensnared. True, we may no longer be in a Formal Relationship as husband and wife any longer, but you are continuing to engage with me. You are thinking about how to bring me down, you are discussing how hateful I am with your friends, you are stalking my online activity, you drive past where I work and where I live to see what I am doing as you plot and hatch. All you are doing is keeping me alive in your mind, making it easier and easier for me to stay there. Your emotional thinking was too high to begin with as a consequence of the ensnarement and then the unanswered questions when I disengaged from you. You failed to drain your emotional thinking. You failed to allow your logic to gain any kind of foothold. You have read, watched and listened but there is no room for it to sink in because your emotional thinking was too high and furthermore it remains too high. It remains too high because your desire to destroy me, to exact revenge and see me suffer keeps feeding that emotional thinking.

Round and round your thoughts go. You think you are feeling better, no longer sad, no longer hurting, but the anger that has replaced those feelings (or perhaps has temporarily overridden them) means that you have lost insight. Your emotional thinking has you in its grip. It, in its usual cunning way, has conned you into thinking that you have moved forward by causing you to think that this anger, this planning, this desire to destroy is evidence of progress and recovery.

It is not.

It is too soon. Too soon from your disengagement. Too soon from your escape. Too soon from the hoovering.

All you are doing is engaging with me once more. My reactions may seem one of anger and irritation, but that is just my self-defence mechanism responding in order to assert my superiority once again as I draw on your Challenge Fuel. You are not wounding me. I repeat, you are not wounding me.

Your attacks against me are surrounded by venom, anger and annoyance. Thus it is Challenge Fuel. This just fuels me and my responses cause you to think you are getting to me, you are not, those reactions are designed, an instinctive response by my narcissism, to make you think you are getting somewhere, to make you give me more fuel and to allow me to assert my superiority over you as that must always be done.

Your desire for revenge is premature. You must reduce your emotional thinking through a robust no contact, you must build your Logic Defences and allow them to gain a foothold and then bring that reduced emotional thinking under control. This takes time, many months, to achieve.

Yet once done, with that emotional thinking at a far lower level and with logic prevailing, any remaining desire to destroy (and often it has now faded with the diminution of emotional thinking) means that it will be deployed from a distance, with cool, hard calculation and if you do so in accordance with the steps set out in my work Revenge then you will avoid being ensnared, you will avoid messing up the revenge campaign and you are far, far more likely to meet with success.

But if you fail to heed these wise words and think you know better. If you think you are ready now to effect revenge, with ill-preparation and rampant emotional thinking then please do seek it.

You will not get it.



33 thoughts on “The Desire to Destroy the Narcissist

  1. Alexissmith2016 says:

    HG, can a lower greater be manipulated by an upper greater?

    1. HG Tudor says:


      1. Alexissmith2016 says:

        Wonderful. Thank you

        1. Kathy Mor says:

          Alexissmith2016- what is cooking? 😉

  2. Kensey says:

    He was like a cartoon. Road runner. My ex Narc.
    A truck runs over him pressing him flat dead…
    then – wham- he’s up, running, operating like nothing happened.

  3. JJ says:

    HG said:

    “I have seen this hatred many times and your desire for revenge is strong. Of course it is. I made it this way.”

    JJ says:

    “ it’s not wise to play in the desire of revenge of other people, Mr.Tudor!”

    However, your golden advice of not allowing our emotional thinking to control us is prudent. I never know the difference between emotional and logical thinking until I took a glimpse into your work.

  4. Caroline R says:

    “huddled around your cauldron…”
    Oh! Such drama!
    Can’t a girl make a pot of spicy chai masala tea without Mr Paranoia-Pants micromanaging her?
    Let me just sit quietly and read…
    My spell book?
    Is there no end to your needling?
    I need some space. I’m going out into the garden.
    Don’t follow me.

    Why are you smiling so smugly?
    You’re so enjoying this, aren’t you?

  5. Original Overthinker says:

    I am even as stupid… To check his team’s score, always wanted them to win, now I hope they lose!

  6. Kathy Mor says:

    My matrinarc always says: “speak bad but speak about me.”
    That summarizes it and that’s why I am quiet, churning my anger quietly… following HG’s advice. I know I am not up to kick PC’s butt yet…. Patience is a virtue. And I am virtuous, after all I am an empath, aren’t I? Rhetorical question.

  7. Nika 💜 says:

    Ha haha

  8. Leslie says:

    Nope. I just want to be left alone. I don’t need to further mess my life.

    At the lowest point I wanted narc to be held accountable. Not bloody likely in a society built by and for narcs.

    So just silence. Absence and silence.

    Of course, he’s not done trying to kill me, though.

  9. 2SF says:

    It’s true, I have hated all narcs with all of my heart. And I always go back to loving them. There is no control over that feeling. There is also no No Contact and no revenge. It is how it is. I’m happy and totally Zen these days, because now I have understanding. Once you stop expecting love, understanding or sense of responsponsibility and you clearly see their manipulations and gaslighting, you can prevent yourself from being hurt. Once you can see this disorder for what it is, it gives calm. You know what you can do now and that is different for every person and every situation.

    1. Mercy says:

      2SF, but that “hurt” sneaks up and bites you in the ass sometimes. I agree after understanding their ways it gets easier. Gray rock or not, we are still empaths. The “hurt” is waiting for our moments of weakness.

      1. 2SF says:

        Mercy, you are absolutely right. The confusion and mind f*ck is gone though and that is such a relief!

  10. Eva says:

    Something I don’t get. You speak about logic defense. Sombebody says that the attachment to ‘your kind’ is also based on chemical dependency, so logic is not enough. Is this why we are going to potentially loose the ‘fist battle’?

  11. Mona says:

    All true. And that is the reason, why I am still on this blog. I am sorry, HG, but you are an fantastical object to get rid of my anger. Whenever I feel entitled anger and have to calm my feelings, I lash out at you.
    I know that and you know that.
    Virtual reality. What a match! You get a little bit negative “fuel” and feel superior and I can manage my situation at home without showing emotion there. Win-win-game for both of us.
    You hate the love and love the hate and I hate the love-haters.

  12. Mercy says:

    I got my revenge this week. I didn’t have to do anything. I watched as the three people that murdered my faith in humanity took each other out. It took 2 years. BS’s 2 other IPSS’s came together and shared information without his knowledge. One of the IPSS is another narcissist. He didn’t know but I figured it out a few months. She went on a smear campaign and got him removed from a club he belongs to. This club is very important to him because these are the people that were by his side throughout his career. Very important people in his life now want nothing to do with him. She didn’t stop there. She became a support system for his other IPSS who suffered a rough smear campaign last year from BS. He brought her back this year and she took on the “friend” role. He had no idea that his narc source was getting information from her. When it all came out he couldn’t control his fury. Narc source held the other girls hand and took her down to the police station to file charges. Narc source wins and her hands are clean.

    I’ve never had sympathy for him. I know that sounds strange being an empath but I’ve always just felt anger. For the first time I feel bad. I’ve never seen him this out of control and it scares me. I don’t want him to do anything permanent.

    I’m glad I was able to identify my emotional thinking and watch this all from a logical perspective. Unfortunately now that 2 of his major fuel sources are out hes leaning heavily on me. Today I stopped answering my phone. I just don’t want to go back to where I was before it all started. It’s weird but I thought that I’d be happier once he got what he deserved. I just feel very empty inside.

    1. Kathy Mor says:

      The only narc I can honestly say that care about is HG… and just met his hand and his legs! Yum! If something were to happen to him, that would set me off emotionally. The other narcs can all go to hell, eat shit, and die. I don’t give a f!
      HG is the only narc I can honestly say I care about and it would be devastating to me. Why? Because he helped me. He set me free when I was a slave. I was in a very very bad place.
      Now your narc? Mercy, I want to sit with you and watch and please let me answer his phone calls so I can pass out laughing and faking empathy. I know I sound hateful but it is because my 10 year old son ate my dark chocolate. I am in a bad mood right now. Mercy, don’t give him mercy. Pun intended. Much love to you….

      1. Mercy says:

        Kathy Mor, oh I had a moment of empathy but it passed as quickly as the words were typed. Seeing his confusion and lack of control was so out of character for him. I’ve never witnessed it before. Now I keep replaying how it all played out and I think to myself “haha bitches, I knew you all would self destruct”. It was truly beautiful and even more so because I saw it coming and he didn’t.

        There are times when I feel like a failure because I can’t seem to GOSO but I have so much anger inside of me. How dare he rob the little bit of innocence and purity I had left in me. He took the small pieces that I kept from my childhood. The pieces that let me daydream, feel hope, trust and peace. I would do anything to be oblivious to the evil inside of people like him. The desire to see him self destruct was too strong and I couldn’t just walk away

        I’ve never known hate like this and my hope is that this is the “closure” for me and I’ll be able to work through the anger and move on. We shall see, he has gone silent again. I feel another storm brewing.

        On a serious note, your son eating your chocolate, not cool! I’m sure you taught him a valuable lesson. Don’t mess with a women’s chocolate!!

        1. Kathy Mor says:

          I empathize with your words. I feel the same anger and hate. I admit it. The main difference is that I am no contact, GOSO, so I provide, IF any, thought fuel only but I don’t think he thinks about me. Whatever it is happening in his life at this moment, I don’t know. I just have a feeling about it…
          His birthday was on the 15th now. I wondered if he “missed” the attention, the extras he used to get from me. I doubt it. Again, it doesn’t really make a difference for me. Didn’t spend more than 10 min thinking about it when my eyes hit the calendar. I brushed the date aside and went on with my day.
          What I know is that it is very possible that he is together with a narcissist. I don’t know why this thought crossed my mind but it did. I say that because he does not know what he is and doesn’t know how to recognize one, especially if she’s good looking and sex material. If she is one who can fake a bit of empathy, love bomb him really good, she is fair game… and he is fair prey to a good female narc…. because he will love the attention… as he will get caught up in the dynamic super excited that this female is giving him all this wonderful attention, while trying to make her submit to him… as she uses him. It won’t last but it will piss him off.

          Inadvertently I saw a picture of him and his daughter and his demeanor was not happy overall. It was the first air you get when it hit the eyes. I could look and tell something was off because his facial expression. That half smile, I could tell he didn’t want to take the pic…. There was a look of… sadness… sorrow… even his posture was of someone a bit down, for lack of a better word…. I can’t quite catch the feeling from him as a narc but if he were a normal guy, I would say that he is not happy, the position and demeanor is of someone who is feeling regret, feeling sorrow. But since he is a narc, just god fucking knows, right? I assume nothing about me there. Nothing.

          Not only that but he was wearing the same exact suit he wore last year, even the same tie… and shoes. That indicates for me that he just went to the party because he had to… not because he wanted to. Last year we walked at Galleria mall for hours looking for a tie, socks… etc… because he is that particular. This year he didn’t even bother to buy a different shirt color, tie or shoes to look different. He was dressed exactly the same way… maybe his narc girlfriend didn’t want to go with him to the mall? (Laughing…)

          What is keeping him from come after me is a strong fear of being wounded. He knows that I know he was cheating and he is not a greater. So the Hoover bar is set high here. I got some weird phone calls… I don’t know if it was him. What I know is that the fact that I know he has it had it whatever someone else it is what is keeping him away. Nothing else. Because he knows he fucked up big time. Grade A fuel is not easy to find when you have the life that he has and the narc daughter that he has…. who controls everything… besides he is 61 now… I am way younger than him…. just saying…

          1. Mercy says:

            Kathy Mor, how long were you with this guy? If he’s with another narc he’s not happy. As I said previously, I witnessed that storm and even watching from the sidelines it was horrible. He is mid and I think she is too. Both are victims trying to create situations to destroy the other and put blame on the other. She claimed shes an empath (head slap). He had no idea what that was so in his research he diagnosed her as narcissist. Hmmm you are right but did you see anything familiar there about yourself buddy? Nope his little research went right over his head. He is questioning things though. Out of nowhere he’ll say “I can love”. Haha where did that come from? Are your wheels turning? He’ll ask me why I think she did a particular thing. I’ll answer with “why did you do that same thing to me?” He doesn’t get the hints. He’s entitled to do things that hurt other people but it’s wrong for someone else to do it. It’s the craziest thing I’ve ever witnessed. I can’t understand how he can be so intelligent and so completely dumb.

            I know your anger. A few months ago it was almost tangible. You have come a long way. I think people like you and me will never be able to completely let go of the anger. It’s ok though. I know anger is emotional thinking (frowned upon by The Man) but we are empaths. We can’t rid ourselves completely of emotions but we can control them.

            I’m sure you are thought fuel Kathy. You are a firecracker and it would be hard to forget you. Wanting to be thought fuel is also frowned upon but I know it means something to us. It makes us feel like we existed somewhere in the illusion. At least you know for sure that you are being used for triangulation with new girl. I’m sure he has painted you as a goddess by now to her haha.

          2. Kathy Mor says:

            Hi Mercy,

            I answered you and the app crashed. I am not sure if my initial answer went through or not…

            We were together for 06 years. Even though we didn’t live together, I spent most of the time in the last 2 years in his house with his daughters.
            I saw all that I had to see.
            I can read him like a book. I know his facial expressions.

            It was just a feeling that I had because of what transpired in our last meeting and in that picture that I accidentally saw.
            He was with his favorite daughter. That alone should make him glow, big smiles and etc… but he was not happy and he was not being able to hide it. His suit etc… as wrote previously spoke volumes as to why he dressed the same exact way to a GALA party. Who does that when tons of pics are being taken???? He knows people will notice, especially the narc bitch that his boss’s wife is. But there he was.

            So I KNOW something is eating him inside. Whatever that is…

            Basically this is an interesting stalemate. My older phone number, which is under his account, is still up and running. He didn’t disconnect it from his account yet. He is still paying for it. For a guy who doesn’t want to spend money… that alone tells me of his intentions.

            However, I use that phone for nothing. It is just there.
            I have a new account on my own, that is my new number which is the one I will use.

            He is reluctant about contacting me.
            His birthday was on the 15th now. I think he expected something…. he obviously got nothing from me.

            I made sure I didn’t think of him either. I was busy. Good busy.

            It is just “funny” that for someone who was so elated about his new conquest, making sure he was devaluing me, triangulating me, putting me down, avoiding me… particularly in our last dinner together, he certainly had a pretty shitty face in that pic.

            But it is just like I said before… I am grade A fuel. Organic too because I am beautiful, gorgeous, clean, health, smart, and modest (laughing ). Go ahead and call me a narc!!!! I just know my value.

            I am not bragging. If I were a narc, I would be a big ass greater. So think that in terms of being the opposite.. an empath. I am just programmed to be that intense and encompassing. It is how I am made. It is what and who I am.
            I didn’t understand the dynamic I was in with him and others like him but I didn’t understand it. By my nature, I do make an impact on those who relate to me in an intimate way, narc or not.
            I am very intense in my emotions. If I love you, I die for you. If I hate you, you are dead. There is no in between sometimes. My emotional demonstrations are honest and plenty and that for a narcissist is a “fuel feast” for sure. Now I know. So yes, he was well fed… to the point of exploding! And he is probably missing all the heat, the intensity, the passion… the density. For that alone, he will live with my ghost in his mind mostly because I am excellent, particular, mindful, about pleasing a man, especially a narc, in every form… from my looks to my demeanor… the way I dress… etc… etc… for an extended period of time, if not everlasting… again, now I know. I wasn’t aware back then. I responded to it emotionally. Now I am thinking…

            You have to remember that all I have known my whole life are narcissists. From my immediate family to my friends, and intimate relationships… It is all I have had. All. I can count on one hand how many normal meaningful people I had close to me up to this point in my life that were normal and that include my son. So I am beyond trained on how to please one. We blend in. We match it. We lock in. And the flow goes and goes…
            Of course now I know why it doesn’t last, not matter how excellent you are at it… we all know that no one would never be enough to a narc but my point is that even among “fuels”, there are those who are more distinct than others. The ones who feed better, longer, are more potent… etc… I was a nuclear bomb feeding him! I really went out of my way to please him. I really went hard at it so much that I could see the effect of being worshipped running through his glazed eyes like heroin hitting the vein of an addict. The ecstasy of making him to feel God like. Right or wrong that is what I did for him…. without knowing what it meant. I elevated him because I thought he deserved it. Again, it goes back to look at everyone’s good side. And it does take skills to do that and to sustain it and I did it. It is a lot of work, a lot of dedication, a lot of devotion. It does take love. Not only that but I kept myself together in the whole process. I did not allow him to tear me apart. I stood my ground. I instinctively reacted to protect myself without knowing what and why I was doing it. But even during those times, I reflected a positive image on him.

            He always said I was a like drug running in his veins… and that I was more than what he could handle… that my absence was palpable… that I gave him life. I actually did. I gave him fuel. I gave him an identity. I gave him MY identity. He thought he could be like me but he failed and his fury at it was vicious, was aggressive passive bullshit that I despise. But in his arrogance and vengeance he thought he could replace me easily and not only that, he thought he would have me back at his will.
            But does he?
            Where am I right now?

            Lack of good fuel can turn into a crisis and if it gets to that, he will take in anything to sooth himself… anything including another narc as far as the love bombing period goes. When the dynamic settles in, it will be bloody because he will feel double betrayed. He will realize that he lost me and he replaced me with the devil.
            The two one: he will come after me to get his balls busted into dust or he will go into a full blow crisis and end up in the hospital. His face is if someone holding it to the last breath…until he will explode… viciously.

          3. Mercy says:

            Kathy, do you feel strong? If he hoovered could you resist? I have no doubts you put everything into this man and it’s good that you know your value. I don’t think it makes you sound like a narcissist at all. It makes you sound like someone that respects themselves. You will get your revenge when he realizes you didn’t wait for him.

          4. Kathy Mor says:

            You know Mercy, I have asked myself the same question. I have ran the scenarios in my mind. I have imagined what he’d say, how he’d approach me, what he’d do.

            Yes, at first it sounds “exciting” right? You can feel the mixture coming to life, the chemicals in your blood pumping and all that… but if you step back from that hot mess and move 10min forward past the initial contact, things change drastically.

            Why? Because I am not willing to be his fuel pump anymore. There is no satisfaction in being “used” anymore, not even for a 10min ego boost or whatever that would be. It is just boring to me because I am not going to get what I need from it. It sounds selfish but it is true. He can’t provide me with the adrenaline rush and the oxytocin high anymore… and I can get that type of sex somewhere else. He is not that potent anymore. It is like crashing after a good BDSM session and feeling depressed because the high is over. I HATE that afterwards feeling.

            Makes me think that I used to “misbehave” just to get a reaction, even a negative one, that would fill my void caused by a chemical “crash”. A hard spanking was better than just lay down there trying to see colors in a black and white situation. Pain was better than nothing, at least I would be feeling his hands on my ass and legs for a long time… as opposed to feel nothing at all.

            Knowing what I know now, knowing how he operates and what would come next in the cycle simply doesn’t appeal to me.
            Not that it ever appealed before, I just didn’t understand the dynamic. I didn’t catch on the meaning of all that until I learned from HG.

            It is a waste of time and waste of life. Nothing will come out that’s different. Nothing. Maybe a new lover for him but and so what??? Nothing for me.

            I can’t change who he is and not only that, I wouldn’t know how to and honestly, I don’t want to because I simply don’t like his baseline personality. I don’t like him as a man. I don’t want him as a man. He lacks in many traits that makes up for a man that actually turns me on. I have a 10y old son and I can now by observing my son, identify similar behaviors in both, just my boy is not that selfish, has more common sense, can take a no for an answer, and has better manners than my ex narc does. So basically speaking about my narc is like to fuck a 10 y old boy (mentally) but one who has a big, “perfect” cock.

            There is no “benefit of a doubt” anymore. There is no wondering if I am the one doing something wrong or not doing enough or missed on something or… or… or… and.. and… if… if… but… but… get it? I am not there in that place any longer.

            Do I want to spend my days wondering if he has been texting someone every time he grabs his phone?

            Do I want to spend my days believing in future faking that will never happen?

            Do I want to be triangulated with people, things, time, events, his stupid narcissist and selfish daughters?

            Do I want to be devaluated so he can feel better about his own misery?

            Do I want to feed him any further?

            Now I KNOW that it doesn’t matter what I do, how I do, when I do it, he will never be fully satisfied… and I won’t be either because I want to feel that I actually make a difference in a man’s life and not feel that I am his fav old toy. .. sitting there on the shelf waiting to be recycled.

            There is always someone better out there to be hunted, to be pursued. The world might be his playground… but I won’t be. This sexy babe here is inaccessible. Out of limits. He can look, he can lust after, he can try but he can’t have me anymore. He may have everyone but ME and that includes any hint of my acknowledgment.

            And THAT alone will wound him more than a bullet because it translates to him: I lost. I am a loser. I can’t control her anymore AND someone else is having a whole lot of fun in that gorgeous playground that is mine. MINE!

            I don’t matter as a person. I matter as fuel and by fuel he can get it from anywhere. I just happened to be willingly prime for him. Not anymore. That person he knew in me is dead… to him.

            So, if he hoovered me, he would fail because I cannot bypass the truth and allow myself to be dragged back into it. I just can’t, for my own sake because it would infuriate me to be so fucking stupid to do that. HG made a point about volunteering. AngelNarc made a point about volunteering. I am not going to volunteer to be slaughtered by someone so reductive like him.

            It would make me mad to find myself in that same spot. I would feel more stupid than I already feel. If you think my anger was tangible some months ago, imagine what it would be then. Just picture it in your mind. At that point, no one would stop me because i know that I would reach a break point where I would not stop until he was completely destroyed. And that can be horrific to all involved.

            It would be a very dangerous situation for him.

            It would bring my dark side, my narc side to life. This is me walking from the light towards the darkness, stepping on each light to make the darkness in me prevail strong… stepping on and despising empathy, stepping on remorse as an useless concept, squishing compassion like I would a worm that stood on my way. Steady moving forward hunting for every opportunity, every possibility…. assessing people, situations, events, carefully calculating my each step. Lying, cheating, faking. There would be no emotional demonstrations. Forget that shit. What emotions? What feelings? Oh yes that would be one: it is called pure hate, in its beautiful glistening bitter form. The God of all Demons. The Father of all vices. At my fingertips.

            I would be a killing machine and I wouldn’t stop…. calculating, plotting, analyzing, gathering resources, gathering key people, situations to cause annihilation… and I’d use my best assets to get what I want with no decor.

            And i would achieve my goal. I would leave it unharmed. And no I wouldn’t feel bad because in my mind I would justify every one of my actions. I was severely wounded so he got what he deserved. And God forbid him for trying to retaliate. I would unleash worse and worse until he would disappear into the nothing that he is.

            I have this dark side. I have this opposite in me. I know it. I see it. I sit now on the opposite spectrum. But I can contemplate it from here. I know what I am on both sides of the spectrum. I have the power to choose which dog I feed inside of me. I have the spiritual discernment that most people don’t or ignore. I KNOW what lives in the spiritual world and I am not afraid of tapping into it. I know the price to be paid.
            A narcissist does not have this concept of what permeates him or her on a daily basis, spiritually speaking. They don’t know what feeds from their deeds. I do. If I were to across to the other side of the spectrum, I wouldn’t allow myself to be used, yet I know there would be no return for me at that point.
            So it is dangerous and a battle that I pick and choose carefully.

            That’s why his Hoover maneuvers will fail.

            Am I immune to all narcissists?
            No I am not. I am not immune to a greater narc. I KNOW that. I know I can be snared but I also know it would be s majestic battle. Place your bets, if you wish. But I know what I am, on both sides of the spectrum. It is not worth for me.

          5. Mercy says:

            Kathy, I’ve failed the hoover many times and it is exactly what you say. The high doesn’t last and it gets shorter every time you go back. Do I matter to him? My fuel does but I can’t produce fuel knowing what I know now.

            We shouldn’t care if we matter to them. We deserve better than to be used for a short time until better fuel comes along.

            Let them go on their endless quest for the perfect fuel. They will never be satisfied but we can.

          6. Kathy Mor says:

            *NarcAngel. My autocorrect flipped? Figures…. I am typing on my phone.
            No we shouldn’t care if we matter to them because we don’t. They just want one thing. That’s all. And yes, knowing what we know now we can’t produce fuel.
            You need to come to terms with it and not fall a volunteer to his Hoovers. I don’t know about your life, your interests, etc… but if you are spending time with him that you should spend taking care of your own business, it just makes the matters worse. He will suck you dry and leave you hanging there.

            So, yes let them go. That’s what I am doing: letting him go from me, from my life, from my mind, from my soul. Erasing him piece by piece.

          7. Mercy says:

            Kathy, I’m not spending time with him. I really am over it. The only thing that keeps me in communication is morbid curiosity. For months I’ve refused his invitations because i know he’ll expect sex. He’ll never get that privilege again. He’s fading away which is good because I want to move on. I actually have the desire to date again. At least I want to try.

          8. Kathy Mor says:

            It will help when you start talking to other guys. It is part of “detox” as a different male energy has kinda cleaned up my mind from thinking of him. It is getting less and less and less… but again I also know I have transferred much of my narc addiction to HG. I mentioned before that I have learned how to compartmentalize myself. That’s what I do. I have this part of me that I cannot change. I call it “narc worship syndrome”. That’s my narc addiction. My craving. That is my childhood trauma, wound, abuse, neglect. Genes, brain structure… you name. Whatever it is can’t be undone… and can’t get enough of it when I am into… So, for that I have HG. He is safer since I will not meet him. If I have to have a narc in my life then it is going to be him. With that taken care of, I can focus on a normal guy without fear of going into narc withdraws. That’s the co-dependent in me. I can’t change this. It works this way. Some may criticize me for that but only those with this can understand how my mind processes the lack of… and this keeps me from engaging with those who are similar to HG because I already have here what they are trying to input in me… in a distorted manner.
            Go and date Mercy. It will do you some good. Just be mindful of the narcs. Remember: HG should be the only narc for us.

          9. Mercy says:

            Kathy , yes HG is the only narc for me too. After witnessing the best the rest are just cheap knockoffs. I can’t lower my standards now!

          10. Kathy Mor says:

            That’s right girl!!!!! That’s what I am talking about!!!!! After meeting HG, that’s it. It nailed down for me too.

          11. Clarece says:

            LOVE. EVERY. WORD. ❤

  13. Findinglife11 says:

    No contact. No emotion.
    I am a No Fucer and the other 1i forgot the name for the cool acronym by u. But ty.
    Oh yes
    I remember now . F.R.E.E.
    I love it
    Ty HG! I love U.

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