The Ten Initial Desires of the Narcissist
I am red of tooth and claw. I seduce, I hurt, I cast to one side and like some malevolent Pied Piper, I play my tunes once again and draw you into my fabricated world. I operate a zero sum policy. I want what you have. If I gain it, I win. I love to win. I must always win. The winner is the conqueror, the strongest and the survivor. This is what I have been taught. That is the reality of my existence. Yet when you have been selected as our targets and the seduction has commenced, we have certain desires that we want to be true. There are initial desires that exist so that we do not have to go down the road so often travelled. We may have ensnared you but might we remain protector rather than persecutor?
We have these wants at the outset of our coupling with you. These are genuine, well-intentioned and considerable in nature. We are imbued with hope, optimism and confidence, every time a new prospect has been embraced by us. We want these things so that the teeth are never bared and the claws remain lowered.
- You are the one
I chose you because you are so special. I truly believe that you are the one, this time, to change everything that has happened before. You are the one who will save us, you have been selected beyond everybody else because you are the one. That is why we have such an infatuation with you at the outset of our relationship.
- You will not betray us.
The world is a cruel and harsh place and we know better than most how that is the case. We are surrounded by those who would strike us down and grind us into the nothingness which we fear. Those assassins lurk and wait, seeking their moment and we must ensure we remain vigilant so we do not fall prey to them. Traitors and betrayers mill about us, but we are wise to them. We know their game and we have them in our eye. We do not want you to be one of them.
- You won’t be like the others
We thought they would be the ones that we desired but they disappointed and dismayed and they left us no choice other than to punish them for their lack of loyalty and their false promises. We had to do so, otherwise a failure to act would only compound the perception of our weakness and we must at all times project to the world our image of success and magnificence. We hope you will not be like them so we need not maintain such a façade and we hope you will prove your worth so that you will not be like the others and let us down.
- You will stop the emptiness
Each and every day we must seek to fill the void that lurks within. It is part of what we are and we accept that this is the task which must be addressed because so much rests on being able to perform this important act. It is the reason for our existence but perhaps you can stop that sense of emptiness for us. Perhaps you can take away that void and provide us with the substance that we crave.
- You quell the fury
It is always there, churning away, waiting to be unleashed and directed at some transgressor, critic or traitor. I have learned to control it, many of my kind cannot do so and will never do so, it is a mark of my excellence and my superiority. I make it work for me, to advance my plans and to smite my foes. I have no choice for it is always there, waiting to be ignited in an instant. I can control it but I cannot quell it. Can you be the one to do this for me?
- You won’t get too close
Perhaps if you avoid getting too close to us you will not then let us down like the others before you have. We hope that you can provide us with all the things that we desire without the need to invade our inner sanctum which must remain locked and shuttered. Do not attempt to enter there for the consequences are too dreadful, for us both. Do not get too close and perhaps we have a chance to achieve the other desires that we wish for.
- You really do love us
They all seem to do so at the beginning but then we find ourselves surrounded by charlatans, con-merchants and frauds. Why does this always happen? All we want is for you to love us, unconditionally and eternally. That is what we only ever wanted.
- You will not wound us
No matter how grand and imperial we are, no matter how magnificent our achievements and our deportment that signals to the world that we are truly brilliant, a leader in our field, a behemoth and a colossus, we can be wounded with such despicable ease by those who send criticism our way. It hurts, it burns and it wounds and we must defend ourselves against such unwarranted and disgusting behaviour. Perhaps you will be the one who will not wound us in this way.
- You will not leave
Don’t leave us. The others have always done so. We do not understand why that is after everything that we have done, all the things we endeavoured to do to please them and then this is what happens. The others leave us twice. They come with such promise and deliver for a time but then they do so no longer and through such an omission they leave us. We want that person to return but struggle to contain the fury which is unleashed from this horrible criticism of us and then you sever all possibility of a return when you walk away from us. Do you know who you are when you do that?
- You won’t make us leave you.
Please do not do the things which force us away from you. The others all headed down that path. It causes us to consider that we are cursed, forever burdened by the fate that we will have no choice other than to leave you in order to secure our survival. Perhaps you can be the one who prevents that feeling from happening?
Each and every time these ten desires loom large when we commence our engagement with you. Some show such promise and for such a time and then one by one these desires are crushed, shattered and obliterated. We know only one way to respond to the destruction of our desires because we are red of tooth and claw.
26 thoughts on “The Ten Initial Desires of the Narcissist”
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H.G.,
I know this may be a difficult question to answer because it is dependent upon so many different circumstances, but based on all of your many past relationships, about how long did it take you to commence devaluation of your IPPS? This also translates into: about how long did your golden seduction period last?
Which IPPS Bekah?
Any one of them.. Do you have like an average time period of when seduction ends and devaluation begins? Or does it largely depend on the specific IPPS and how good things are going with them before your fuel needs change?
Golden periods are generally between 6-18 months for the IPPS, some shorter, some longer. It depends on whether the fuel becomes stale, or is not provided often enough or in not a large enough quantity.
Thank you so much for that insight, H.G..
You are welcome Bekah.
Dear HG. I have a question re no 6: How close is too close? Reading your advice I got the impression many times that the victim cannot ever come close enough. The reason being that the more emotionally attached the victim gets, the more effectively can the narcissist deploy his weapons. What does the narcissist regard as “too close”? Thank you. Kind regards DF
Penetrating the inner sanctum.
That opening line gets me every time. It is very visceral imagery. There are songs that pop up on the radio that make my gorge rise. Recently a line in a movie that I had never seen that had been used on me felt like a slap in face.
I’m flying out to help my father and I am caught between emotional thinking of purposely crossing paths just so I can ignore his existence and logical thinking telling me how ridiculous that would be.
I have never thought about seeking revenge on any person until now. I didn’t go through half the hell others have, I have my life back, I should let this go and carry on. This is my revenge, right? I have never been so thoroughly sucker punched in all my life. The more time that passes and the more I know cements the truth in my mind and no amount of internal name calling is going to quell the quiet rage.
He’s ghosted, he’s gone. No more odd occurrences or phone calls. So surely this is the end. Surely I wasn’t important enough in his mind to overtly sucker back in.
So I am on here, reading and reminding myself that sometimes the best revenge is none at all despite the wish that I too, for a moment could be red of tooth and claw.
wounded
I completed glazed over that line which is funny, since the post opens and ends with a predatory warning. Yet I chose to sympathize with the narc’s plight 😞 Emotional thinking firing on all cylinders here. I hope you’ll follow your logical thinking on your visit to help your father.
Thank you Joanne. I’ve realized sympathizing with a narcs plight is utterly useless and have since used this blog to stay grounded in logic and further my understanding. I think the one thing that holds me back from seeking any sort of revenge is the price tag I would put on it. Is it worth losing my husbands trust? No. Its not. So I am here, and grateful for that.
wounded
No, it is definitely not worth losing your husband’s trust and the best revenge is moving on with your life without that narc. This is definitely the place to stay grounded in logical thought. I admit I’m allowing myself to straddle both the logical and emotional thinking lines but the understanding I’ve gleaned from being here has at least helped me differentiate between the two.
Wounded, I enjoyed reading your thoughts as they are are extremely relatable, so thank you. Oh the fantasies we have of joining the revenge movement and causing some serious wounding!!
I have felt much or all of what you have described at one time or another. I have been tempted to mail those adult nappies to N many times over or have a friend label one of his Facebook posts with HG’s famous words ‘impotent ruin’ or my favourite ‘weakling towers’. Still I know revenge is sweetest in my mind because the LIHOL (legend in his own lunchbox) would be mighty pleased with himself if I lowered my standards in honour of him.
Mine came back after 13 years post my escape with no contact when I was completely untraceable. My feeling is yours will return too. I hope you have at least one red claw handy for the occasion.
All the best with your trip!
Thank you so much for your kind words and wisdom. I like your atonym, how very appropriate. I think you are correct as well although I think coming back around Would be very foolish. 13 years? I hope you devoured him. I’m sure I will have several claws handy by then 😈
Such strange sayings. You in every place that should be I.
Love, fight and lose (or win depending on which perspective you are coming from).
As an empath, it is hard to watch this type of inward circular activity without hoping that the narcissists can find a way out of their own self centre, even if they don’t want to.
Different constructs but the same design – both narcissists and empaths are the subject of internal and repeated mind traps. There is common ground here.
This makes me feel sad, for you and for him. In the early stages he was so enthusiastic about us coming together, he almost had a childlike excitement when he spoke about me, about us, the future. I can see now how these initial desires were present, and how I “failed” at being “the one” 😞
Joanne
You didn’t fail. Only his unreal expectations (really of himself in being able to pull it off) did.
Thanks, NA
I know in reality I didn’t “fail.” In his false reality, I did. Just a hard thing to wrap my head around in a way, even knowing what I know now. Seeing him so excited about me and the possibilities, to seeing the exact point when he realized I was not perfect and therefore, not “the one.”
To me, number 4 and number 6 should go hand in hand.. For how could I, as a source, be able to fill the emptiness without getting but so close to you? I wouldn’t be able to fill the emptiness effectively.. But I do understand these are the narcissist’s desires and what s/he say goes.. They believe all of these things are entirely possible and expect the primary source to fulfill them all at once in a delicate balance.. It’s tough work, that’s for sure.. Personally, I know I failed my narcissist in numbers 2, 3, 4, 6, 8, and 10.. He can’t get over how much I “betrayed” him, how I’ve wounded him over the years, and why these are the reasons he had to do what he had to do and leave me.. I really am sorry for hurting him, because it was never my intention.. But I had to grow, evolve, and learn to set boundaries with him and hold him accountable for his fury and malice when it was unwarranted..
HG. Did you ever take advice from other narcs , like your mother for example and your uncle . Do you have another greater or cerebral that you talk “guy talk” with and use advice or ..ask advice from them ? Such as talking about a woman behind her back and then a friend says do this or that ….and they happen to be a narc too .
I never sought advice, I always know best. I have had diktats (masquerading as advice) all through my childhood and early adulthood – I pretended to listen.
Hi, H.G. Tudor. There are so many wasted desires and broken illusions, like mirror crystals, that it is inevitable to hurt yourself with them, in the Narcissistic relationship. As you say, this desire or illusions may initially be genuine, but the narcissist takes care of breaking them first. Perhaps for fear and insecurity of losing control, power, even if you get all the fuel you need.
Although these illusions and desires are genuine, this is always based on emotional attention (Fuel) and nothing else…
Not in love and feelings of a common life. They don’t have this kind of feelings, but the victims don’t know this.
And so we always fail. And this is so, and will always be so…
Tudor has written this post and when you read it, it seems so romantic in the eyes of anyone who knows nothing of the narcissistic subject, that people would think they are sweet and tender sweet words…
But these words are encrypted.
Nowhere is there a word that implies giving, giving, loving on the part of the narcissist.
It is a slave-like relationship with the narcissist, of giving in order not to receive anything.
This relationship with the narcissist begins at dawn and ends at dusk, and the emotional attention fuel IS NOT ACCUMULATIVE, returning the Narcissist to counter Zero each morning. Having to start the whole process over and over again the next morning. Like a bottomless barrel.
This reminds me of the myth: “Las Danaides”… Greek Mythology.
Like “Las Danaides”, condemned to fill a bottomless barrel with a sieve in the underworld for all eternity…
None of the words mentioned refers to a “cu pro quo” of a functional sentimental relationship, as we understand it.
The empathic, super empathic, codependent person hearing these words thinks that they refer to LOVE in capital letters.
But what he is referring to is finding the one, the inexhaustible source of COMBUSTIBE. (A utopia, for them). They pursue something impossible.
Between the Narcissist and the victim this conversation of fish is maintained. While one thinks that we are told about Love, when the other refers to Fuel.
They can say or talk about these dreams/illusions, but they are not clear about what they ask for, they camouflage it. Covering, under the great mantle of LOVE, such adulteration of what they really want.
They say things with subterfuges, with folds and double meanings, twisting words, so that they look like one thing, when in reality they mean others. And this is what disorients us and kills us slowly.
If they behaved differently, we wouldn’t be here talking about the narcissistic issue.
But could they behave differently?
Tudor says No. Because the fuel goes down and you go into devaluation… (Maintaining an empathic relationship)
Why does the positive fuel descend? It descends because for an empathetic, super empathetic, codependent, they maintain a cumulative sentimental relationship. While the narcissist returns every morning to counter Zero. The type of relationship is dysfunctional because while the empath thinks that the relationship as time goes by settles, the narcissist feels that he is not admired, nor valued, he feels bad and as a reaction he devalues. We do not provide him with the necessary fuel.
The Empathic see normal that the relationship or interest in this person is more measured, calm, settled, stable as time passes. But the narcissist sees this as the decrease of interest in him, and therefore the devaluation begins. In devaluation, the narcissist who does not feel Love, if he feels Pleasure, Pleasure for seeing his victim suffer for Love, control, dominion and his ego rises… It is in this pain where he can see what the victim really Loves him, which produces that Pleasure, of being able to inflict such Pain. It could be said that the pain that the empathics feel is felt because the Lovers and they absorb this fuel.
Knowing all this dynamic of the Narcissist, one could take a Narcissist relationship instead of an Empathic relationship.
That is to say: “To live in the eternal Falling in love with and attention to the Narcissist”.
Could the victim be one of the Danaides and every day fill that barrel with no fuel bottom? to start again from zero the next morning?
Why is the narcissist bored? Why is the narcissist bored, by the degradation or the decrease of the fuel a relation carried Empathically, but if knowing the dynamics were supplied by the victim as Danaides of the fuel as if it were in the first moments of the sentimental romance. Would you be bored of this?
Tudor says yes.
I say I don’t think anyone ever tried it and even that it would be extreme and tiring and impossible.
But if so, would it be possible to keep the narcissist in his golden age supplied or created by the Empathic? The narcissist would always be living in a golden age….
Or on the contrary, the narcissist gets tired because “familiarity engenders contempt”.
I suppose it engenders contempt, because as the cumulative fuel is not what they are looking for, they get tired of it and go into rage starting the devaluation.
Tudor that you think of my thought somewhat delirious, is that I give a lot to the mind…
What do you think, what do you know more than I do? I know what is thanks to you…
Are you dreams as empty as your conscience seems to be, 😉
I have no conscience. I have no dreams.