The Ten Types of Victim The Narcissist Hoovers
I make repeated mention of how we always come back for more. This of course is the brilliance of the hoover. Some people struggle to comprehend that we will always keep returning for more fuel, if the opportunity arises. Why would we not? We love fuel. We love your fuel (after all that was why you were chosen as the primary source) and even better we love the hoover fuel which you provide. The hoover serves many functions. First and foremost, it provides us with fuel. It is also a means of exerting control, seeing how the land lies for potential further machinations, a means of preventing you moving forward, a means of hindering your understanding, a method of reinforcing our superiority, dominance and omnipotence. It serves these functions and many more. Hoovers take place throughout the dance with our kind, but most possibly associate them with the aftermath, the period following escape or more likely discard. When we look at the hoover in such a scenario, when we come back for more, we do so for one of the following three reasons: –
- To draw you back into the relationship again so that the whole narcissistic cycle can begin once more;
- To hurt you. We don’t want the formal relationship again but we want to remind you of how worthless you are and thus we aim to hurt you through this form of hoover;
- To draw some positive fuel (it may be a drop or it may be lashings of it) but we do not want the formal relationship to start again or indeed ever, but we know you provide delicious hoover fuel so we will keep coming back for more. We do not do enough to recommence the formal relationship but we certainly extract some fuel from you. It might be a text, it may be a telephone call or personal visit, but it is passing. It may only take a moment or an afternoon, but it is temporary and then having extracted the fuel we will withdraw again (only to appear at some later stage). The formal relationship does not begin again.
It is this third manoeuvre (which is a benign follow-up hoover) which often confuses people. You can understand hoovering to start the relationship again. You can understand lashing out at you and being nasty because hey, after all we are Grade A Bastards aren’t we? However, why make the effort to gain some fuel and then withdraw again? It may be because we have a reliable primary source in place but cannot resist a slurp of the hoover fuel. It may happen because circumstance makes it too good to resist. There are several factors but one of the chief factors is the role which you are allocated post escape/discard. The application of the benign follow-up hoover which does not seek the restoration of the formal relationship relies on you conforming to a particular role and the fuel which flows from it. There are many different roles which can be assigned to you at this point, but here are ten of them.
- The Wish You Well
Whenever we hoover you, you ask with your well-known decency how we are faring, you ask about our progress workwise, our health and about all other matters. You do so with that goodness of heart and nature for which you as an empathic person is famed and whilst there is no torrent of raging emotion, your kindness and compassion still fuel us. You may well have largely moved on from us, but you are unable to sever all ties. You know not to go back but you cannot help but always want to hear that we are doing good and that you can accordingly wish us well.
- The Optimist
This contact gives you hope that there might be a return to the golden period. You do not push it, since you know how this can cause us to react, but you are receptive to our advance, pleased, no delighted to hear from us and you engage with enthusiasm, trying to keep your pulsating heart under control. You see each time we “drop by” as the possibility that this time we sweep you in our arms and take you back once more. Each time you are disappointed but this does not dim your hope and optimism, perhaps next time will be the time?
- The Guilty
You feel bad that the relationship did not work out and you blame yourself as much (if not more) than us for its demise. Your status as a love devotee means that you still believe that love will conquer all and you spend your time apologising for what you did that was wrong and that which you did not do right. Of course we do nothing to cause you to think any different, enjoying your self-flagellation which always rises to the surface whenever we get in touch.
- The Navel Gazer
You are obsessed with understanding who you are and regard our interaction as an integral part of that. You want our views and opinions on your introspection and use any contact from us as an opportunity to invite us to comment about you, no matter how brutal it might be. You believe that you are unable to establish who you truly are without understanding the nature of your relationship with us and each occasion that we reach out to you again provides you with an opportunity to engage for the purpose of finding these answers. Your reliance on us is both edifying and fuelling.
- The Healer
You will not let go of the notion that we can be fixed and any interaction between us results in you resuming the mantle of being that healer, putting our interests ahead of your own with the inevitable fuel which arises from your compassionate and kind-hearted behaviour.
- The Nymph
You hate us for what we did but the sex was oh so good and you cannot resist the lure of a late night text for some sexual interaction in the hope that it might lead to a tussle between the sheets again. You maintain that all you want is sexual gratification and adopting this stance is a form of payback for us, but your engaging with us through sexting and flirtation provides us with the hoover fuel that we want.
- The Tourniquet
You are not a tourniquet but you need one. You cannot work out what has happened and every engagement is a fuel-filled questioning session as to why did we do what we did, why did we hurt you, why did we say those things, why did we mess around and such like. The pain remains raw and the fuel that flows from it is too good to resist.
- The Old Reliable
You know you should ignore us but you cannot. Those messages we send are like a nagging itch and you need to scratch so badly. Of course we know this and we regard you as a reliable source of hoover fuel. All we need to do is send a message and you will respond in some form or another, you cannot help yourself.
- The Contender
You want back in and you are going to prove to us how damn fine you are and what an a-hole we are for letting you go in the first place. You will tell us just how good you will be for us, what you will do and how we will never get anybody better than you as you do your utmost to convince us that you should come back into our arms. Even if we rebuff you, you will not give up because your desire to be our intimate partner is huge and so with it is the fuel that you provide.
- The Burning Oil Well
Your flow of fuel just cannot be shut off. Red Adair would never be able to snuff out the flames and cap the oil well. You are angry, seething, furious at the way you have been treated and you hate us. You absolutely hate us. Each time we reach out to you, you seize the opportunity to vent your anger at us, insulting us, labelling us and going on like some crazed harpy. You think it will upset us but you don’t understand the nature of fuel and whilst we may argue back it is all done to keep this blazing fuel flowing.
Do you recognise yourself in there at all?
34 thoughts on “The Ten Types of Victim The Narcissist Hoovers”
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Yikes. Got a hoover last weekend after going no contact almost a year ago. Had just left my home 20 minutes prior to my security cameras showing the douchbag at my front door! The irony was I had gone to a self defense class because of the narc fear that still lingers. Had to laugh though. HG thanks for the tools to deal with your kind. All that is left to shed is the cloud of fear. The self defense class was very helpful btw.
The Contender😂 that’s some dirty empath shit right there. I’m behaving for now.
So where are all the Male Empath Nymphs or (MEN)? I might want to find me one of those someday.
I wish you well. Pfft. Doesn’t that really mean goodbye forever?
#10 is so tempting but the written word gets me in trouble.
Ok. I am done next article.
With a particular person I am number 10. In that circumstance I wish that my words could manifest into reality. If he were dangling over a pit of acid and I had my finger hovering over the giant “instantaneous neutralize” button I wouldn’t press it.
I am still trying to find where my “detach with love and kindness” place is.
Lol! Red Adair! I wonder how many people had to Google him. Awesome reference.
Do they always hover?
He knows I do not want anything to do with him now, he knows I know things about him that I did not know before, (his past) he knows I know his true story now, I am in no contact since Christmas,
he is doing the most horrible things (threats, stalking defamation etc) to his ex because she told on him to me, we had a comparison with him for his lies so he is upset for that.
but to me he is not yet acting that badly because I’m sure he plans to hover me, he knows I will receive money soon, so I believe he will try in some way. I have blocked him everywhere and he will soon receive a court notification for stealing my car and for threats, so should I worry for his future actions against me or for trying to hover me? Not sure what to expect.
There is always a risk of a hoover unless you die or we die. If you want my input on your own situation, please do arrange a consultation and I will assist you with regard to the specifics.
Wow Sara, this guy really sounds like he could be violently dangerous. Better watch your back!
HG coiud you tell me please, by telling the narcissisit that other men had warned me off about him in the begining, would this have caused woundiing or fury or both.I said that when he tried a hoover he made a hasty retreat amd didnt approch again..
Most likely Challenge Fuel as you will have provided fuel when explaining this. His retreat will have been his method of asserting superiority over you as a consequence of your challenge.
Thankyou as always making sense of the behaviour that I find so hard to understand.
Pleasure, that is why I am the best.
OMG I just want to say that reading this blog has given much insight and strength. I can totally see why the Tudorettes want to believe you care about us, even though you repeatedly tell us you are incapable of exactly that!
Too bad you don’t have a Hoover hotline H.G. Or a sponsor like in 12 step programs.
I provide consultations, those are the hotline.
Marinathemermaid3 I said the same thing when I first started responding. I had received a hoover and jokingly required about a hotline. Below, I was responding to Newby1111 and stated how HG Tudor’s writings representing our exact thoughts are so uncanny. Your comment had been moderated yet, but after I sent mine, I saw you used the same word. I’m just gonna say great minds thing alike. 😊 But really… this is all so bizarre, what other word is there!
I also asked mine, “What do you want from me?” I’m pretty sure we empaths are all cut from the same cloth. Best wishes to you, Mmarinathemermaid3, as you continue to heal.
Marinathemermaid3, after reading my comment, I hope that when I said “great minds think alike” you didn’t say, “I sure hope not!” I went back and read my post. I have so many auto-corrected-it-wrong mistakes and typos that I worry if I made sense?! I sent that post as I was rushing out to work… a reminder to s-l-o-w down.
Still, it’s fascinating to me how similar our stories and responses are. No wonder HG knows us so well!
I guess I am the “old reliable ” in his mind. Why on earth did I respond again to his text? I asked him quite politely what he wanted from me now,that I am confused(not really. Guess I’m not the epitome of honesty. I know he wants my PAIN). Of course he left me hanging. We’ve played music together at the open mic at the local bar. It’s my usual haunt. I love it there and everyone is always glad to see me and hear me play. I haven’t been in months trying to avoid him. But I’m feeling lonely and isolated and was considering going tomorrow, even if I have to play solo. Just as I’m pondering this, the bastard texts! He insinuated he wanted sex. I told him I want to play music. We chatted about nonsense. Then I came out point blank and asked him,”what do you want from me?” Silence. Now I’m banging my head, feeling like a fool. I’m a poor student, H.G.
Shit. I am being hoovered and I feel weak. I am the nymph and he is old reliable. I am a junkie. I need help. He’s texting me at my weakest moments. How how how does he know? How is his timing so spot on???
It behooves me how you consistently post the very thoughts I currently am having. It is as if you somehow read my mind and put my very ideas rambling on the ticker tape and make an article from my brain.
We’re it not for looking up and seeing that this very same article has been posted 3 times before, I would have gone crazy mad.
So I finally released the Greater. He lost his job, would no longer target women in my company. What he did to others could not be my business any longer. I could after 2 years let go. I could stop the daily Hoover’s of my own mind’s doing.
There had been no contact by his doing and I so ached, dreamed and reinacted all 10 Hoover’s in my imagination.
So crazy stuff starting happening when I finally let go.
A program for photos was no longer going to be supported so I was reviewing albums and deleting them.
Well. Lo and behold, there was an album of shots I’d lowered myself to send the predator.
As I went to delete, I saw his picture by his email listing that I had shared.I tried to click to see it larger.
I think I sent it instead. An unintentional Hoover on my part? Couldn’t dwell on those possibilities or I would be sucked back in, so I let it go.
Now here is where things got weird.
How does this happen? Doodooo Doda.
I of course did not hear from the narc, nah, that is his forever torture in my head, but up pops a site with a recent picture of him,looking way better than I remember. I am drawn to stare at his perfection
Dam!!! I just couldn’t let well enough alone, could I?
After I met the greater, and recognized patterns I’d lived for 40 years with my partner, I met 3 other narcs who smacked of your list, HG. They were trying, but thanks to you the chinks in my armour were reinforced.
Get this, all 3, out of the blue and after 2 years, made contact one way or another this weekend after I had let go of the greater then found his picture and hoovered myself right back in.
So I release the narc greater, see his picture and call the other 3 lessors in somehow?????!!!! WTF??
It is uncanny! Mine has contacted me twice now at my weakest moments. I didn’t know how to block someone from texting but I’m going to figure it out in the morning. Really strange stuff, this 6th sense that they have, even when you haven’t seen them.
Hello, Newby1111 … It’s uncanny – isn’t it? I thought the same thing when I first started reading the works of HG Tudor. “How does he… this self-proclaimed narcissist… seem to know exactly what I’m thinking? … How I am FEELING?” But knowing just that helps in so many ways, knowing that you ARE understood… that what “they” do is calculated. And it is comforting, in an uncomfortable way, to know that what you’re going through, others have had similar experiences. Here, you are not alone.
I also sent pictures that I now regret. It was out of character for me as I’m not on social media, so at the time, I thought the whole idea of a selfie was pretty pretentious. But my narcissist pushed me, asking so sweetly, “Just send me a picture of that pretty smile.” Of course, he was grooming me, as I was hesitant to even do that… at first. By the time I sent him a bit more revealing shots, he had convinced me that I was sending them to my future husband. He would never show them to anyone, he promised. “Why would I want another man to see my future wife? No way – you’re mine.”
Of course, I now wonder just how many guys at his place of employment knows what my breast look like! Yikes! But I made sure to be as discreet as possible, used low lighting, etc. He even told me once, “Just take an impromptu picture – Jesus! You don’t have to make it look like art!”
When you’re my age… yeah, you kind of do! Still, I regret everyone of them.
Stay Strong, Newby1111! It gets easier, but we’re always going to be vulnerable. Best wishes to you.
BKK, He showed my topless photo to his FAMILY! Oh the shame…..
Oh My Goodness, Cindy… That had to be tough to endure. (I mean – Mama?! Grandpa?! ❓ Please tell me that he only showed your portfolio to his out-of-town, legally blind great-great-aunt?)
I suspect most narcs made it seem as if we sent our pictures, unsolicited, because we were just sex-crazed-nymphs who couldn’t get enough of their studliness.
What a little shit-head, that narcissist of yours!
And Cindy, I guess it could be worse? At least we’re not dealing with the National Enquirer like Jeff Bezos.
Like he gives a rat’s ass about the NE.
Ha! You’re probably right, HG, but I can’t figure out if he’s truly upset over the possibility of what they might publish, or if deep down he’s hoping that they run a big spread on his famous little package with a smile. 🎁☺
Ha ha.
Thank you for this opportunity, HG! This the first time in my life that I can say “I’m a 10!” (One through ten that is.) Pretty sure I’ve hit all those traits at one point or another. Ugh! 😓
BKK,
With time and practice, those roles will become weaker and most of them will start to disappear.
I’m looking forward to that day, E.B… I have come to realize that the “practice” part is just as important as the passage of time.
Some days, I do well, but I’m amazed at the ways I still struggle. Thank you for your words of encouragement. ☺
To be clear, do SIPSS even get hoovered?
If so, I am mostly “Wish You Well” – as I still hold on to this desire to keep things on good terms with him and “keep him sweet.” I do care about him still, I don’t believe he hurt me intentionally, it’s just what he is. And now that I KNOW what he is, he’s ugly and I don’t want him back in a romantic way.
There’s a bit of “Old Reliable” in me too. He may come to me for fuel, but the attention from him provides me with “fuel” too in some way. And I know that is dangerous and stupid.
Yes they do. When someone is taken off the shelf, that is a hoover.
Ah yes. Makes sense.
Oh my. I fit right into 1, 2, 3, 4 AND 8. Especially 4. I need to get a grip on it!