The Dirty Little Secret
Sometimes it is not all Relationship Bulletins, declarations to the world about you and me or announcements across the fabric of social media about our perfect love. Sometimes you are the dirty little secret.
This is never the title afforded to the primary source that we have chosen. It is those who are secondary sources who find themselves labelled in this way.
Do you have a friend who makes demands of your time, often calls you and ensures that you give up your time so he or she is able to tell you all about what they have been doing, obtain your advice and uses you as a sounding board? Does this person tell you all about the brilliant weekend or she has just had with a group of other friends at some weekend away or at a concert but somehow no invitation came your way? Do you perhaps politely and subtly ask whether you can attend some forthcoming event which this friend is enthusiastically telling you about, maybe even gloating about how brilliant it will be, but this friend shows all of the perception of a plank of wood and never picks up on your hints? Even if they do or perhaps if you are more forceful as you ask whether you can attend or you point out how you never get invited along, are you met with comments such as:-
“Yes, I know you would have loved to have come but I didn’t organise it, John did and it is his fault he didn’t ask you.”
“I didn’t think it was your kind of thing.”
“There was only a few places available but I will make sure you can come to the next one.”(Of course this never transpires)
“I thought you hated rock music. I am sure you told me that you did.”
“I have been so busy I must have forgotten to ask you.”
“I did ask you and you said no.Dont you remember?”
(Of course this is a lie.)
These people are our inner circle. The select few who are our guardians of our reputations, loyal lieutenants and brainwashed and indoctrinated to fawn over us, carry out our demands and provide us with fuel and you are not in the inner circle.
In fact, the inner circle does not ever know about you. When we spend time with you, we string you along with future-faking, we allow you to bask in our greatness and at first it feels good to have such an interesting, charismatic and seemingly attentive friend. You may attract the label of friend and you sit in the outer circle but you are a dirty secret secondary source. We do not want our inner circle to know about you because whilst you serve an excellent purpose in providing us with fuel, your enthusiasm when we tell you with a moment’s notice that we are coming to visit is just the tip of the fuel berg. We know you are loyal, dependable and faithful. We know you will provide us with the fuel that we need and you above everybody else will be the go to person when fuel stocks are running low. Whether it is 3am call or an appearance on a wet and windy Monday evening in winter, you always welcome us in, always take the call and you always oblige. We do make you feel special, trotting out the easy to mouth platitudes about how much we like being with you, how we enjoy your company, how it is good to know that we can depend on you but this is just to keep you sweet and functioning. The reality is we do not want other people knowing about you because you do not fit with our idea of how our life looks. You might not be as good looking as we would prefer, you might not shine in a group, or you are apt to saying unusual things which we feel would make us look less impressive in front of our all important facade. No, you are kept in the background, used but rarely abused because you are the long-serving indentured servant of the narcissist. The loyal hound that sits in the corner of the kitchen, always ready to wag your tail for us but too old and unappealing to be paraded at the show. This is the role of a dirty secret secondary source.
There is also the Dirty Secret Intimate Partner Secondary Source (“DSIPSS”). You were seduced and made into a secondary source and within the blind of an eye you were bedded and the platitudes of love and dedication came pouring forth in order to secure your loyalty. There are those who are earmarked for promotion to primary source, they are destined for better things so long as they come up to proof with regard to the provision of fuel, character traits and residual benefits. Those who are on the fast-track to being installed as the primary source can expect to meet our children, meet our families and our friends, be paraded and attend certain events with us, all at the humiliating cost to the currently devalued primary source who is on their way out, all being well with the seduction of this Intimate Partner Secondary Source. The future is rosy for this person.
The DSIPSS , at the outset, is never considered for promotion. Words may be whispered to that effect but they are just false promises, more future faking and the crumbs of comfort which are scattered to stop you foraging elsewhere. When we allocate you the role of dirty secret next to nobody knows about you.
Whereas the IPSS who is in waiting for the top role may find themselves being picked up and put down, with intervals of silence in between the weekend hook-ups, as we test that person to gauge their suitability for promotion, it is a different story for the dirty secret.
The dirty secret actually may well see quite a lot of us. in the backs of cars, in seedy motel rooms, in the back of the warehouse, the disabled toilet, the alley behind the house and such like. You are never to be seen by our family, our friends or even our colleagues. You remain hidden because your presence will offend our facade. We are the dedicated family man and thus we cannot be seen hanging out the back of you down some leafy lane at dusk. We are the champion of morals in our local community and it would not be the done thing for us to be know to be engaging in the debauchery that we insist on when we are with you. The primary source may well be devalued but we do not want them to be sullied by the knowledge of the filthy whore that have twice a week. You are a pit stop for a delicious injection of fuel. That snatched two drinks in an out of town bar where you had to sit and wait for two hours before we showed up? You are a dirty secret. Never allowed to call or message us before we have contacted you first? You are a dirty secret. Never allowed to meet our friends? You are a dirty secret. We wish to portray an image and you do not fit with that image but you are a potent bundle of fuel, dedicated and desperate, always hanging on for that stolen hour in bed together, the occasional afternoon when we pretend to work to have a meeting in the next state or county. You live for those moments because in that instant we make you feel wonderful, we focus on you, we give you the best sex, the excitement and the promises, oh the promises of what could be yours.
The future faking with an IPSS is born out of being torn between not wanting to lose a good source of fuel and the potential this IPSS has to perhaps become a primary source at some juncture. We do not want to lose that, thus we keep the IPSS hanging on as I described in the article ‘What Am I To Him?’ It is a different set-up for the DSIPSS. You were not initially selected for potential promotion. You were selected because you are a dependable, reliable turbo-boost of fuel and when we demand it, you always provide it. Why would we ever let that go? We would not.
Like the friend who is the dirty little secret above, you are the same but with you comes the intimacy. you are the recipient of our oft-spewed sugary charms and in receipt of our desire to use you for sex and the provision of fuel. We rarely take you anywhere, for fear of detection and our engagements are covert, hurried and secretive, yet this adds to our charm, our mystery and you find it as addictive as we do. It is only when we are going and you wonder what we are doing and who with, that you are left to rue the emptiness and the loneliness. You want to provide us with what you think we need, to allow your goodness to shine for us, but we will never let you do so, not outside of those hotel walls where we meet every Thursday evening.
Unfortunately for you, you do not fit in with the image we wish to convey to the world. You do not fit with what we wish to show. If we ever saw you, by chance, when we are out with our facade, be that family, friends or colleagues, we would ignore you and pretend we did not know you. Of course, later that day we would lay on the charm to excuse our behaviour because we do not want to let you go either. You are a brilliant stick on emergency fuel patch. You provide fuel and you remain hanging on, waiting for the day that you hopefully emerge blinking into the light of the golden period for the primary source.
That is never going to happen directly and at the outset of your allocation to this role. Not that we will admit it to you.
Stay in that dark corner and wait for our call.
You are a dirty little secret.
41 thoughts on “The Dirty Little Secret”
Ours began as an extramarital affair that continued after my divorce. He never divorced. I can’t believe I wanted to be IPPP! Yuck. Our years long relationship, knowing what I know now, my empathic nature feels badly for the wife. I’m far more physically attractive than her.
Related to being a DE, I wonder if he really believed I was faithful to him, that I just sat on the shelf waiting for his call. I did. I loved it, but I am also needy. So, when he wasn’t around and I was bored, or he was punishing/devaluing me, other men comforted me.
Having the N in my life made it impossible to keep a boyfriend, but I’m free now. 🙂
Oops! I meant Intimate Partner Primary Source (IPPS)
I think I fluctuated between this and a secondary because he is married. His wife found out and he sent me a little hoover before disappearing..only to show back up in a rage when I posted on twitter about having dealt with a narcissist.
He’s been dead silent since then so I’m hoping he’s moved on to another source, although I’m sort of waiting in the wings to see if his wife gets out or not.
Now you are in control and have the upmost confidence in your abilities, now could something happen yes.
When you face the end your abilities will not keep you from death and your perspective changes.
I have faced death and nothing altered in my perspective.
I have witnessed others of my kind, their perspectives did not alter as they faced death.
I concede they altered when they died – they had no perspective then because they were dead.
When death comes for me – and it will – that’s it. It is over.
And this is where we agree to disagree
I meant no disrespect to your position on your perspective.
I also have no doubt you have faced death, which has not altered your perspective.
One fact remains your awareness is increasing daily and the way you view your death may change when you are faced with that end.
You are not like others of your kind you have witnessed….
I saw a close friend die of Leukemia. He was a narcissist and his behavior didn’t change at all. He extracted fuel until the end and I diode any shift in his perspective or awareness.
But I haven’t witnessed many narcissists die.
Do all Narcs have the same perspective re death as you HG? Or would that be greaters only? I terms of once you are dead there is nothing.Or do some genuinely believe there is something behind death?
They will believe there is something because it will accord with their magical thinking and grandiosity because the idea of no longer mattering will terrify them.
I do not have that issue. I will be dead but I will still matter afterwards. That will be my legacy. That is power.
That was the one thing my husband was aware of being forgotten after death and his fear. Yet he wasn’t aware of anything else of his nature.
They wouldn’t let me drop his urn in a deep dark well in the middle of some godforsaken desert……
thank you HG.
It’s interesting, I recall as a teenager my friend and I discussing death and she confided how her biggest fear was the entire world no longer remebering who she was.
It just seemed absurd to me as all I cared about was how I would no longer be with my loved ones, and the general anxiety of the unknown. This was not a thought which had ever crossed my mind.
She turned out to be an N…of course.
Haha. Her exaggeration is indicative. The fact that she believed she had made enough of a mark that she would be missed by the entire world. I wonder what she does now.
Marc angel I haven’t seen her for many years but the last I heard was she was a bank clerk!
You aren’t a Narcissist who is facing imminent death Mr. Tudor so how would you know?
Because I have been around and near a dozen or so who have. Next question.
No more questions Mr. Tudor. Just a simple ‘Goodbye’ from me.
I understand what you are speaking about, it was one of the things my ex and I discussed numerous times. It was like he could not actually believe I truly saw him and still loved him.
I saw two versions of him. The one life made him and the one under alll of it. I accepted him for everything he was.
I have had consults with HG in regards with a man I feel a connection with that is one of his kind. Have you ever just felt someone so deep….I am not sure how to explain it. His presence has just always been there.
I think that this article perfectly sums up the mindset of the Narcissist. Everything in his [or her] world is for show.
When they are at the top of their game, such as having a high powered job, earning huge amounts of money and still in possession of their looks and sex appeal, the people that they choose to be part of their ‘Inner Circle’ MUST fit in to a particular category.
Their inner circle MUST be attractive, intelligent, moving upwards and successful [but NOT as successful or as attractive as the Narcissist…..that would NEVER do].
To engage with someone from a lower socio-economic group who has not been blessed with physical beauty is out of the question for the Narcissist…..except as a ‘Dirty Little Secret’ which Mr. Tudor has so eloquently detailed.
The Narcissist simply can not understand that REAL friendship and REAL love are NOT based on wealth or high intelligence or extreme beauty.
REAL love is based on those qualities that you can not see from the outside, such as kindness, generosity of spirit, a great sense of humour and a million other things that money and looks can not buy.
Don’t get me wrong….there is nothing wrong with having wealth and beauty but if that is all that you have got and if that is all that your friends and lovers have got then it doesn’t amount to much at the end of the day.
You can try to explain this concept to a Narcissist but he or she will NEVER grasp it in a million years.
Recently my Narcissist husband, who is now ill and disabled and whose good looks and sexual prowess are now just a distant memory for him, asked me a question, he said ‘Laurie, you have an I.Q of 130, you have a university education, you are blonde and beautiful……..what the fuck do you see in me?’
When I tried to explain to him that I don’t love people on the basis of what they look like or how much money they have [or don’t have] in the bank or how intelligent they are……he just looked at me blankly……..I might as well have been talking Chinese…..he just could not understand it……and sadly, for the Narcissist…..they never will understand such love, because when a person bases their ‘love’ on such insignificant trivialities as looks and academic qualifications and wealth…….that isn’t love………that is a trophy.
Laurie, you write so beautifully and have great insight. I love reading your comments. x
Thank you very much xx
That’s so true Laurie!!
Some people are so poor that all they have is money. We relate to this, they cannot.
We can love when they have nothing, they might not be aesthetically pleasing in general, overweight, literally have nothing to offer in terms of material stuff. It’s the person, it’s how they make you feel, it’s about the chemistry, it’s a connection.
Absolutely, Presque Vu,
Thank you, I know you doesn’t know why I am thanking you. I have known the answer to a question I have had and you comment was like ice water being thrown on me.
Thank you Twilight…..I think I know what you mean, and I am glad to help, Tc, x
Do you think it possible that your N husband might have looked at you blankly and like you were speaking another language because he was expecting you to list all of the wonderful things about him as being the reason that someone with all of the attributes he listed about you would be with him? That he expected you to make it all about him (as they tend to do) by listing all that is wonderful about him as the reason you are with him, instead of you explaining your reasons for loving people in general? That he saw that as you making it about how you feel instead and disappointing him? I’m asking this because I am honestly interested in both how you interpreted his response and then how HG would interpret it, but I did not want to upset you by using your example to pose a question to HG without posing it to you first. I hope you understand what I mean.
Hello NarcAngel. I truly believe that my husband is becoming extremely self aware because he is facing the end of his life…..this is something that many dying people go through whether they are Narcissists or otherwise and I am sure you will agree.
People that are near to the end of their lives take stock, and because my husband’s mental structure is also starting to crumble, I believe that he is finally facing up to himself.
He is deeply reflecting on his ill lived life and lately he has been speaking about the multitude of mistakes that he has made.
He has still not revealed to me the horrors of his childhood and I don’t think that he will……..I think that this is a step too far, but definitely he is facing certain truths about himself.
My honest opinion is that he was genuinely wishing to know what I see in him and what it is that I get from the relationship.
When he was young and handsome and had plenty of money and was at the top of the ladder in his career, he had women swarming around him, and he just can not figure out why anyone would want him as he is now.
I tried to explain that I love him because I have ‘seen’ the person that he was MEANT to be instead of the person that life turned him in to.
When I say that I have ‘seen’ the person he was meant to be Narc Angel I literally do mean that……I am able to ‘see’ what a person’s true essence is, underneath all of the pain and the rage and the unbearable agony.
I am not sure if what I have is a gift or a curse in all honesty….but there you are, I guess it is something that I am stuck with, good or bad.
Anyway, he said to me ‘what do you mean, you can see inside me?’
Well NarcAngel, how do I explain something that I don’t TRULY understand myself?
So we just kind of left it at that…..but he does know for sure that I love him and even though as a Narcissist I am aware that he is unable to love in return, I have promised him that I will be with him until the end…..and I mean it.
Tc NarcAngel, x
Mr. Tudor I hope you don’t mind me replying to these questions, I respect the help you are giving to people and I have been enlightened by coming to this site.
Narcissists do not gain awareness because they are facing the end of their life.
Damn, almost like a pity play. Thanks for pointing that out.
Laurie, your devotion is clearly great and deep. Your husband is one lucky man. He chose well. I admire you.
I think my BFF in high school was a narcissist, although I had no idea of that then. Looking back, she certainly exhibited all the classic signs. I was more popular with the boys though, which she hated me for. We went to different colleges and I tried to stay in touch but she broke it off with me. Now even when I try to contact her via social media she elludes me. The wounding must have gone deep. I still dream about her.
Some of this doesn’t fit.
I’m pretty sure I went from CANDIDATE IPPS to IPSS to DLS back to BACKUP-CANDIDATE IPPS
Is that possible HG?
I was introduced to the family and friends at the Candidate stage. Small city so the connections are still active.
When I became IPSS/DLS ,for a while we would only ever meet “by accident” in public. And hid communication…(bc he cheated w me at the beginning & she wasn’t having it)
Then he insidiously bit by bit brought me into the picture and now all bets are off. We hang out occasionally, in public, we text, he helps me out with stuff, she knows I’m right the fuck in the picture again and she (apparently) isn’t thrilled.What she doesn’t know is- I never left the picture.
I get the feeling I may have been promoted – to WHAT I don’t know. Backup candidate IPPS again is my guess.
Can a person go from CANDIDATE IPPS to IPSS to DLS to BACKUP-CANDIDATE IPPS ??!
That or he’s just openly triangulating now.
If I’m being promoted what signs should I look out for – bc I was getting ready to be done & that would complicate matters-
Do not concern yourself with the signs of potential promotion, instead once you have determined the other person is a narcissist, obey the first golden rule of freedom.
You can do from Candidate IPSS to Shelf IPSS to DLS and back and forth. There’s no such thing as a backup Candidate IPSS (that’s a shelf IPSS).
what’s a backup potential primary source called
See my earlier answer.
Ok so – one can move positions, and a DLS could actually become a candidate primary source replacement – correct?
And thank you
You are welcome.
Oh Dembunny. You still want him? Why???
Marina The Mermaid ;
No way man ! That would be a shit show.
I was having fun playing as DEMB DLS , with all I know now, and was learning and watching and testing out what HG says. (And having some great sex)
I was thoroughly enjoying myself , now having seen him clearly , and actually I was getting ready to wrap it up and disengage (although I didn’t let on)
Then he , I’m pretty sure, promoted me.i wasn’t expecting it. His IPPS is in full devaluation now.
NOW I kinda want to see if I can manipulate him enough that he actually is ready to leave his IPPS before I ghost – but I think that might be dangerous. I’d have to escape before he put any real plans into play —otherwise I might get malign Hoovers & smearing .
Not that I care- he can’t touch me really. He’s not violent and his facade is too important . And he has to keep the IPPS in the dark to a large degree.
HOWEVER- as wise as I am to him now, he reactivated The Mixture a bit recently on a weekend trip we took- hadn’t had a trip away in years and also the mixture hadn’t been active in at least a good year or two.
But honestly feeling the Mixture for a minute was cool! Because now I know what it is, and I know it’s ok -and was an integral part of my personal evolution.
But I AM fully aware it was reactivated. INTERESTING.
So I’m playing with fire I know.- I could be suckered into enough cognitive dissonance to actually think it would be worth it for the golden period – or that I could even use my knowledge to manipulate a relatively fun go at IPPS.
Thing is- that would fuck up my independence- and even if I handled myself emotionally , financially and just all around it would be a major hassle to escape when I wanted out. PLUS then he would malign Hoover,smear, etc and it’s just too much to bother with.
Plus I can’t fullly relax and be myself full time with him , even if we spend a weekend together by day two I’m fed up lol like dude yes you are awesome yes I saw what you did, yes I’m attracted to you yes I wanna fuck you , like back off. I can’t inagine having to provide that level of reassurance and attention on the constant.
So no I don’t want him. Not full time.
And yes I should GOSO.
But it’s so much funnnnnn
And I’m learning so much.
I might bail. Or I might watch and play a bit longer. I dunno. I don’t really care, I can ditch and pick it up again later if I’m still curious.