The Desire To Destroy The Narcissist
I know you hate me. Your kind are filled with love and then filled with hate. There is no need to deny it. It is a normal reaction for someone like you and one which I entirely endorse and encourage. I know you will try and mask that burning anger that you feel by saying you pity me or that you have nothing but contempt for me but I can see it. Those sensational eyes of yours that once blazed with desire, passion and most of all hope, are now filled with the churning, billowing flames of hatred. Some of you will fight to contain this sensation. You fear that by giving in to this hatred that you will somehow be on a level with me. I can ease your fears in that regard. You are nowhere near my level and nor were you. I placed you far higher than me to begin with. Yes it was artificial and all part of my design but you had no complaint then did you? You did not object or demur when I thrust you skywards and planted you on that pedestal. Of course you did not. Who would? Nobody would and least of all somebody like you. Now you are on your true level, way down below me, cast onto stony ground, broken and shattered. Amazing though isn’t it how you managed to summon such an anger from somewhere. How many times had you said to your confidantes that you felt numb (yes they were reporting back to me). Yet now look at you. A seething, glowering fireball of hatred and it is all directed at me. I adore this.
You want to destroy me. I know you do. You all do. The one before you was exactly the same as the one before was and the one before her. The next one will be just the same,although I do still hold out some hope that she might just be different and somehow avoid the mistakes all those who have gone before have made. I have seen this hatred many times and your desire for revenge is strong. Of course it is. I made it this way. Everything I did as I brought you down low was programmed to cause you to eventually explode into hatred. From elation to despair, through broken to numb. Eventually the switch would be flicked and as puppet master I ignite the fire beneath you which stokes the flames of hatred. Despise me, go on, do it. Send those wicked words towards me. Tell me what a bastard I am. Keep it coming. Pull your hair, wave your fist and stamp your feet. Tell me how you are going to scratch my car. Feels good does it not? Believe me, it feels even better being on the receiving end of your bile and hate. Go on, sit with your friends and plot your revenge, I can feel you all huddled around your cauldron as you try and concoct ways at getting back at me. I feel so powerful knowing you are focussed on seeking retribution. This is what I want. I want to bask in the heat of your anger, I want to be covered in the disgust and distaste that you will spew towards me. I want you scheming, hatching and planning. By hurting you so deeply I plant inside you that overwhelming desire to get even with me. It happens every time and is all part of my master plan to ensure you, my beautiful appliance keep pouring fuel in my direction. I make you seek revenge for in doing so, your planning and ham-fisted execution of the same give me what I want. Fuel. You are blinded with your hatred so that you fail to realise you will not succeed in gaining revenge, not by shouting, spitting and scratching. Oh no, this overload of howling anger is just a banshee of fuel to me. I will twist and shift as I thwart your attempts, laughing at your pathetic efforts to try and get one over on me. This will spur you on as I lead you on yet another merry dance as I continue to take from you exactly what I need.
All you will do by obsessing over trying to bring me down is remain ensnared. True, we may no longer be in a Formal Relationship as husband and wife any longer, but you are continuing to engage with me. You are thinking about how to bring me down, you are discussing how hateful I am with your friends, you are stalking my online activity, you drive past where I work and where I live to see what I am doing as you plot and hatch. All you are doing is keeping me alive in your mind, making it easier and easier for me to stay there. Your emotional thinking was too high to begin with as a consequence of the ensnarement and then the unanswered questions when I disengaged from you. You failed to drain your emotional thinking. You failed to allow your logic to gain any kind of foothold. You have read, watched and listened but there is no room for it to sink in because your emotional thinking was too high and furthermore it remains too high. It remains too high because your desire to destroy me, to exact revenge and see me suffer keeps feeding that emotional thinking.
Round and round your thoughts go. You think you are feeling better, no longer sad, no longer hurting, but the anger that has replaced those feelings (or perhaps has temporarily overridden them) means that you have lost insight. Your emotional thinking has you in its grip. It, in its usual cunning way, has conned you into thinking that you have moved forward by causing you to think that this anger, this planning, this desire to destroy is evidence of progress and recovery.
It is not.
It is too soon. Too soon from your disengagement. Too soon from your escape. Too soon from the hoovering.
All you are doing is engaging with me once more. My reactions may seem one of anger and irritation, but that is just my self-defence mechanism responding in order to assert my superiority once again as I draw on your Challenge Fuel. You are not wounding me. I repeat, you are not wounding me.
Your attacks against me are surrounded by venom, anger and annoyance. Thus it is Challenge Fuel. This just fuels me and my responses cause you to think you are getting to me, you are not, those reactions are designed, an instinctive response by my narcissism, to make you think you are getting somewhere, to make you give me more fuel and to allow me to assert my superiority over you as that must always be done.
Your desire for revenge is premature. You must reduce your emotional thinking through a robust no contact, you must build your Logic Defences and allow them to gain a foothold and then bring that reduced emotional thinking under control. This takes time, many months, to achieve.
Yet once done, with that emotional thinking at a far lower level and with logic prevailing, any remaining desire to destroy (and often it has now faded with the diminution of emotional thinking) means that it will be deployed from a distance, with cool, hard calculation and if you do so in accordance with the steps set out in my work Revenge then you will avoid being ensnared, you will avoid messing up the revenge campaign and you are far, far more likely to meet with success.
But if you fail to heed these wise words and think you know better. If you think you are ready now to effect revenge, with ill-preparation and rampant emotional thinking then please do seek it.
You will not get it.
42 thoughts on “The Desire To Destroy The Narcissist”
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Can we just hire you to take our revenge for us lol
You have the means I’m sure
I don’t hate him, but I will not forgive him. The fact that this narc and I shared a childhood makes what he did to me so much more heinous than if he had been someone who just randomly entered my life. I constantly circle back to thinking, “how could he do this to ME.” Of all the women out there, on his facebook, on his instagram, and in his real life, how could he do this to someone with whom he has this lifelong tie? I know now it’s because he just does not care, yet it is still very difficult to let go.
I don’t wish destruction on him, but then again, I wasn’t hurt nearly as bad as others. It would be nice to see him gain a ton of weight and lose his hair, though 😉
The best revenge is moving on with our lives, being happy and being the best that we can be. My husband sometimes tell me about some bad things that happened to my narcy stepdaughters since I went No Contact. I honestly don’t care. I just let him tell me because they are his kids and so I listen out of courtesy as his wife but I honestly don’t care. I’m not happy that their lives are full of drama. I have more important things to think about in my life. Although I will admit that before I went No Contact, every time they did something nasty to me my mind was occupied with fantasies of revenge. The best thing that I did was going No Contact and sticking by it.
Its good vs evil.. And evil doesnt always
win.
Evil never wins, the evil just thinks it does! Haha
Maybe but since that suits evil’s purposes then it works!
Dearest HG: I would never want the Narc that I am/was (I think I am now painted black most of the time) associated with destroyed. I just wish I never had fallen in love with him. However, since I have reflected a lot, since I have been on your site, and your Youtube videos and read a lot of your articles, I realize that he did actually hypnotize me. I remember during a company trust exercise ( don`t ask) we had to do lead by a person brought in to solidify corp esprit de corp, I was teamed with him in a trust exercise, and he looked at me soulfully and said: “You would never hurt me, because you love me.“ HG: And, I then said to myself: I love him. I know it sounds as if I were weak minded, but from that day on, I said to myself: I love him. And I acted accordingly. I was actually hypnotized. I actually became lovesick even. Writing him love texts. Something I NEVER did before. He found the little girl in me that wanted Prince Charming. I did admire and like him, but the word love had never entered my mind until then. It was great until the devaluation kicked in around 2 years later. I crawled the internet looking for answers. He is exciting and fun when his mask is on. And more charming than most men. I do not want him destroyed. I just want to find my mental/emotional way out of the hell I am in for falling in love with him. I have gone silent treatment and I am changing my schedule, little by little. He flirts with me now, but I know it is just exploratory hoovering. I am learning what I am dealing with. He is textbook classical Narc. A Mid-ranger, with some Greater Narc tendencies. He is Just fuel checking. But, I do not want him destroyed. I just want out, mentally and emotionally.
Pse I If you can you should set up a consult with HG. Reading and listening to him on YouTube will also help. But honestly nothing has ever helped me like the consultations I have with HG. Good luck to you dear.
princesssuperempath
I totally get it. My situation is not the same but I understand your feelings. And that flirtation/exploratory hoovering! OMG. I’m working my way out of it but it’s hard.
Joanne. The exploratory hoovering hurts so terribly much, now that I know that is what it is. He messaged me recently that he liked the coconut milk hot chocolate that I used to buy him. I had stopped. But, before this site, I would have been over the moon for any type of messaging, after all those silent treatments. He flirts with me now , that I am practicing disengagement. But, I know that it is just a fuel check. I smile at him and say nothing, but cry inside. I answer the message and buy him one later that week so he does not know that I am on to him. HG says we pop up in their spheres of influence, I believe it is called,for many reasons or even for no reason. It is not intimacy. I am post disaster. I know what I am dealing with. I know what happened to me. But, I am like a disaster survivor. Picking up the pieces of myself that I can still use. But, some of the pieces of myself are missing in the debris. I am at ground zero, and now I know that I had no more meaning to him than the belle du jour, after 3 and a half years of devotion. That hurts something in me so much, Joann. I do not know what it is that is hurting so deeply. My ego some would say? My self-belief? My belief in others? My understanding of people? All of the above and more? I never want to go through anything like this ever again. If you fall for it, that hoovering, you will be smashed, Joanne. On a day you do not expect it, and in a way that will pierce your soul. Do not fall for that hoovering. It is not your game. You will always be steps behind in a game that is not yours. You can not win this other person`s game. You can not play this. I was having a good day today, and out of nowhere, one of his flying monkeys told me how other supply were taking his seminars, that he had invited me too, months ago, but he never followed up with me when I asked him about that. Gaslighting. I did not need to know about it, and I took a hit, out of nowhere. It can make one paranoid. That you are the only one not invited to the party, so to speak, and maybe it is the reality. So what. You can possibly escape in time to salvage yourself and be prepared to be mentally and emotionally strong, Joann. That is what I want. To salvage myself before a big astonishing hit happens to me, out of nowhere. Whatever and whenever it may be. I know something will happen, one way or the other. Life balances itself out. I just want to get out with as much of myself intact as possible, and never lightly engage with a person without vetting them more closely. The life I save may be my own, Joanne.
Hello, H.G. Tudor.
I’m old at this, and since I haven’t run into you and your material before. I have gone through each and every phase of the narcissistic victim.
From the purest Love, to the deepest hatred, and from the ardor of perpetual anxiety, to partial oblivion.
And it is true, the victim goes through all these phases. I think it’s even natural. The narcissist simply makes us pass our feelings, love or emotional attention, through the different emotional filters.
For the narcissist, this is exactly the same thing. FUEL and good.
I would even say better because they need and value much better the negative Fuel. Negative attention that so much covet.
As you well say are wise words, not to seek revenge brings anything good.
Although I believe that, if it is okay to defend oneself in extreme cases. And for me this is not revenge, it is survival.
For me it has been extremely positive to take the point of view and attitude of the narcissist to recover my ego and my self-esteem. And I would say that I have become a little somatic narcissist.
This raises my ego, and my vanity and with it my self-esteem.
I walk through crowded streets looking at people’s faces. I see them as simple humanoids who observe me with their eyes of desire.
When people’s eyes look at me I catch their attention. I observe their small facial micro gestures and emotional reactions towards me.
I had never observed it before, some men withdraw their shameful gaze, others even laugh nervously and others shyly withdraw their shameful gaze. By not withdrawing my gaze from them.
Some shamelessly hold the irreverent gaze in that case I decide to keep it anyway, because they are aggressive gazes, possibly narcissistic.
Others smile maliciously, with a libidinous look.
For me it’s really a fun game that raises my self-esteem. Because I had never observed how many people looked at me as I walked down the street. If you look closely you may even know what the other person is thinking. Their initial reactions are the first impact of you, and you can tell if you like or dislike the flight.
Why not use the same weapons as our narcissists, to raise us even higher?
I have spent the last two years in recovery from a long marriage to a covert narcissist. It is time for me to move on, and leave all things “narcissist” related behind. Thank you HG for your help, even though you get your own rewards for the work you do. It’s funny that the more sucessful you are at informing your audience the more likely you are to lose them. Unfortuantely, there will always be more.
You are welcome and I wish you well with your onwards progression.
I don’t hate my ex narc. I just don’t have respect for him anymore. He will get what is coming to him. What goes around comes around.
very useful thanks.
It’s best for the mind and soul to forgive, not to revenge.
Presque, you are right. I don’t know if I’m built to forgive though. I no longer want revenge so that’s a step in the right direction. I think forgiveness is important for some people to be able to find peace but for others, the pressure to forgive is another hurdle to overcome.
I forgave him – but when I really think about that, it was maybe more like ‘letting go the thing that was biting me’ than real forgiveness.
I mean – what is it worth to forgive someone if you know he is gonna continue to spread misery? If there has never been an apology?
I think I ‘forgave’ him based on the idea that he is ruled by something stronger than him. I kinda excused his behaviour, so to say. So I could let it go.
Shesaw, maybe it’s forgiving ourselves for being deceived, for going back, for wasting time we’ll never get back, for not trusting what we knew inside.
Mercy, tx for adding that. Yes, forgiving ourselves instead of beating ourselves up for having been manipulated. We feel guilty for the wrong things too often.
We feel guilty for not giving the narcissist hell, for being a mediocre empath, for going back, etc. It’s not useful. At all. We did those things because we had not learnt yet how to deal with these behaviours. We know now, or at least we are learning. We have become wiser. We have more to offer the world now!
Shesaw, we sure do have more to offer the world. Here’s to being weaponized!
Mercy. Yes. And forgiving ourselves for projecting on them. For believing what we wanted to believe during the Golden Period, and for ignoring a few bad signs here and there. And even, speaking for myself, enjoying some of their actions when we participated as the winner. Now we are the losers. I am the loser. Knowing what we are dealing with is a win. It just does not balance out all the pain. I guess time, is what we all will need to balance out the pain. Time. And time can not get here soon enough, it seems. I hurt so bad, Mercy. It is so painfully awful. I hope I have learned my lesson.
Mercy, Forgiveness is hard to give to someone who doesn’t ask for it, doesn’t acknowledge what he/she did, and really doesn’t deserve it. People say that we need to forgive so that we can have closure and peace. I found another way to have peace — Acceptance. Accepting that we are all different; some are assholes and some are not. Some have redeeming values and some do not. Acceptance that life is not always fair. Sometimes people take advantage of us even despite our kindest intentions and even pure love. Sometimes we give gifts that are not appreciated. And sometimes we make mistakes. Life is not perfect but we must go on and those assholes that we encounter can be the assholes that they are as long as they are not part of our lives anymore. We can coexist with assholes in this world but we don’t need to be in each other’s lives. 💕
Amen, Mercy.. What you said about forgiveness is correct.. I relate completely..
Mercy
You don’t have to forgive if you don’t want to.
Amen K. Just recognizing that as a choice is powerful.
NarcAngel
Exactly. It is a choice and it’s ok if you don’t want to forgive and it’s ok if you do want to forgive. Either way is fine.
Thanks K, I there is any forgiveness it’ll come naturally. Not something I need to think about now. I have a feeling it’ll end up being that I just don’t care enough to forgive
Mercy
Re: forgiveness
My current stance is that they don’t deserve it and I don’t need it.
NA, I like your thinking! I don’t need it either.
You are welcome Mercy
Indifference works. Put forgiveness on the back burner for now and focus on healing. It really does work itself out as time goes on.
I agree. Too much hate will only destroy you and keep you from moving forward.
Presque Vu,
I agree, it’s best for the mind to forgive. But the way I think of it, the forgiveness is done to set your own self free, not to ‘forgive’ the narcissist.
I am slowly changing the way I think and feel and I no longer “care” like I did before. I can’t care for someone, even if they are my closest family, if they are determined to use, devalue, betray, control and lie to me. They will not have the power over me to make me their scapegoat. I will not give it to them.
I don’t believe anymore in “family values” if the family I have is willing to twist the truth and make me carry the burden of their facade.
I don’t want revenge in the way that revenge is commonly defined. The best ‘revenge’ for me is to take myself out of their facade, have strong and authentic boundaries, and enjoy my life and the world around me and be happy for all the wonderful and enriching experiences I can have.
WiserNow,
“I don’t believe anymore in “family values” if the family I have is willing to twist the truth and make me carry the burden of their facade.”
You said it. I have never been a big believer that “family” is biological.
Now I’m solidly a non-believer.
WhoCares,
Yes, I know what you mean. I’m becoming more and more of a non-believer every day.
The cultural or socially approved notion of family being very important and something we need to hold together and have some kind of duty and reverence towards can be very misleading. I think family is actually the leading source of mental illness and personality disorders.
I hope that one day narcissism is openly recognised in society as domestic abuse and that there’s a widely understood legal way of defending yourself against it.
WiserNow,
“I hope that one day narcissism is openly recognized in society as domestic abuse and there’s a widely understood legal way of defending yourself against it.”
My personal experience with family law suggests to me that there is an underlying shift towards a better understanding narcissistic abuse, however family law is not about “mental health” – that’s for sure…and it is based on a somewhat archaic legal system. I agree with you – I hope the system gets up to speed sooner, rather than later.
WhoCares,
I’m not very familiar with or knowledgeable about the real underlying ways that the legal system works. From what I do know, it’s a system that’s resistant to change and changes slowly. It’s shaped by patriarchal and conservative views and serves best those who can afford the huge legal fees along with the time and stress involved.
I think social change starts from the bottom up, so general knowledge and awareness in society will start the ball rolling and at some point after that, the social systems in place, like the legal system, will slowly adapt in response to social pressures. That will probably take quite a long time though.
Beautifully said, WiserNow..
Thank you very much Bekah B 🙂 That’s very kind of you to say.
I have read a lot about this topic. The person I was dating has a lot of these treats, I’m not an expert so I cannot say for sure he is a narcissist but if he is, he is a greater. He is handsome, charming, with a beautiful smile and extremely intelligent. He kind of warned me because he said I was something very dear to him and because of that he didn’t want to have something with me. I kept pushing everything to have a relationship with him, he is 18 yrs older and has been married 4 times. His behavior made me leave, I love him with all my heart but I love myself a little bit more. He text me a few weeks ago but I didn’t answer, he hasn’t try to contact me anymore. He promised me to never do bad things to me I didn’t understand at that time but probably now a lot of what he said it makes sense. He said something like ” My issues run deeper than you think, probably I don’t know how to love”. I love him but I cannot offer him a toxic relationship, I’m not toxic and I’m not co-dependent. I have cried so much but I’m out of that for the well being of both.
I don’t hate you nor do I hate my narc. Living life your way is sad because we are the winners. To give love is our fuel, silly silly man. It just takes time to heal from the abuse. Then it’s Victory!
Keep on healing people out there that are in deep in this abuse. The more I heal the more fascinated I become with your kind. A creature of God but doesn’t live by Gods words. Possibly the devil is among us, but that demon never wins. Love heals all!
Thank you Mr. Hudor
Love this santann!
(Revenge is sweet, if it just falls in your lap. You don’t have to do a thing. They are tortured, and you could care less…. hypothetically speaking, of course.)
After 15 months of soul twisting introspection, I realized —>> *I feel like myself again* !!
And it feels fantastic. I’m free ❤