The 10 Obligations of the Empath
In order to manipulate you and control you, we rely on certain behaviours which cause you to act out of fear. Fear of injury, isolation, financial ruin, loss of your home or loss of your children. We also rely on your deeply embedded sense of obligation. Owing to your honesty and decency, you feel need to do certain things. Your sense of obligation is greater than normal and we exploit this in the following ways:
- You feel responsible for us
So much of what we do is of our own doing. In fact, next to nothing is caused by you when looked at through your worldview. From our perspective you are responsible for everything. It is always your fault and we repeatedly project and blame-shift in order to condition you to feel responsible for us. You already have a sense of responsibility towards us. You feel a sense of responsibly to nearly everybody because of the fact you are caring and compassionate. This increases when it comes to us because we are your intimate partner and you believe that it is the intimate partner who ranks amongst the highest who deserve such responsibility. This increases again when you realise that we have certain flaws and you feel a need to take on responsibility for them. Indeed, combine this natural state with the conditioning that we cause and you become someone who is over-responsible for us.
- You feel that you owe us
Once again this is a combination of the natural and the condition. You have been given such a wonderful time during the seduction period, given so much both material and emotional that you feel you do owe us. You are also a person who is polite and well-mannered and you feel a natural desire to return favours, thank people for what they do for you and a sense of paying the debt that has arisen. We also believe you owe us for everything we gave you during the seduction and accordingly you are obliged to repay us for the rest of the relationship and beyond. Combine these two elements and a powerful obligation of owing us is created which we are then able to exploit to our advantage.
- You feel sorry for us
That natural sympathy people possess is available in spades with someone as empathic as you. You never regard someone as weak or pathetic but rather feel sorry for them. You would not regard a homeless person as a stain on society but rather feel sorry that they find themselves in such a situation and you consider how they ended up where they are what might be done about it. You realise our behaviours are abhorrent but rather than always feel angry about it, you feel sorry for us that we behave this way. You feel sorry that we cannot explain ourselves, that we lash out and behave in such a destructive fashion. Your exuding sympathy not only fuels us but it creates an obligation on your part towards us.
- You feel guilty
Even if you know that a certain course of action is for the best, you are assailed by the guilt that you might be hurting someone, stopping them what they want to do or upsetting them in some way. Tough love is not a concept you want to embrace as the guilt at seeing someone else hurting, as a consequence of something that you have done, is too great. This sense of guilt forces you down different routes, often doing things which are not the best for you but nevertheless you feel obligated to do out of this considerable sense of guilt which looms large which someone empathic like you.
- You feel a need to fix us
You are a problem solver. You enjoyed the Sound of Music when you were younger and you always felt that if you had been given the chance you would have solved a problem like Maria. You regard it as your role to heal and to fix. You are of the unshakeable mind-set that everybody can be fixed. Everyone can be made better and when you experience the broken elements of our machinations and manipulations you do not shirk from them. Instead, you remain in situ and work out how you can resolve them. This obligation to make things better and to heal is a central part of who you are and is readily exploited by us since we know you are unlikely to go anywhere despite how bad things are.
- You feel it is your duty
You have a strong sense of duty. Duty to be an excellent parent, supportive friend, caring son or daughter, hard-working colleague and all round decent human being. Most of all you regard your duty to your intimate partner as one where no matter how difficult things might be you are not going to walk away. This duty is often compelled from the vows that you have taken and a strong religious undertone to your personality.
Duty is paramount and from that rises the obligation.
- You feel a need to abide by your standards
So often the world appears to have lost its moral compass and therefore it falls to a diminishing group of people to right the wrongs, stand up for the vulnerable and defend the weak. You often see that people are ruled by those twin gods of sex and money and this causes people to forget who they are and the standards they once adhered to. This is not for you. You do not do this to be lauded by others but do so because you cannot lie straight in your bed at night if you do not uphold these standards for yourself and in your daily dealings. This translates into treating people with patience, understanding, compassion and empathy, no matter how difficult it becomes. Some might suggest that you are making a rod for your own back.
- You feel a need to maintain appearances
This is not done for your own benefit. You are not like us creating an image to show the world. No, you do this to maintain appearances for the sake of others. It is keeping the family together for the sake of your children so they are not upset. It is appearing to get along with your difficult brother for the sake of your fragile elderly parents. It is taking one for the team in order to maintain an appearance so that you deal with the pain and aggravation so others do not. This need creates an obligation in you which we are content to exploit as we know it will keep you around and stop you from speaking out about what we do.
- You feel a need to never give up.
You are not a quitter. You do not give up at the first bump in the road or black cloud. You keep going, you are tenacious. You are indefatigable and you persevere. You plough forwards and feel that it is only right to do this because you know that the just reward will come at the end of it. Anything worth doing is worth doing properly. Anything worth having takes effort. We applaud this desire to stick at things.
- You feel a need to have done your best
When everything is added up and evaluated, at the end of the day, you want that satisfaction, just for yourself, to know that you did your best and you could have done no more. You always consider whether you could have done something a different way and more effectively. You are self-critical and behave like this in order to fulfil your chosen role as a good person. This obliges you to try and try again.
These empathic obligations result in your remaining with us longer, enduring more of our abusive behaviours and forgiving more of what we do than an ordinary person. We know these obligations exist and we exploit them.
16 thoughts on “The 10 Obligations of the Empath”
is there treatments available for a narcissist ? if so what ?
All true. You know and understand so much! I’ve learned lots about myself that I would never have ever thought about before coming across your work. I suppose I’ve never questioned/ or thought about my own thinking before.. You are so insightful, especially as you cannot think like we do. Though we learn about narcissist and their thinking here, it’s very hard to grasp or make sense of someone else’s thinking.. you must have asked a ton of questions over the years or are really clever at human behaviours when you don’t think or feel in these ways at all.
flutterbymorpho. HG Tudor is Brilliant and a Genius. All narcissists are not brilliant and all are not geniuses. Even if they are Greater Narcs. He is a Brilliant and Genius Elite Greater Narcissist. I am sure you know all this. I just wanted to say it. I am so thankful to have someone on this level help get me out of the incomparable invisible psychological hell that I waded myself into, by dealing with a certain Narc for the first time in my emotional life. I feel pain in my heart in parts of me that I did not know existed. Psychological debilitating and horrible pain. He is helping me to fight my way out of this Obsidian tunnel and to see light at the other end. He is defeating all my emotional arguments that are trying to keep me into this addiction with this narc in my life, actually in my mind. HG Tudor does not think like I do. He thinks better than I do. So needful. I am not sure that he does not feel. I think the feeling is handled differently. I find myself feeling differently now. Handling my thoughts and well being, differently. More cautious to not allow someone to injure me emotionally so easily. I have decided that I want to survive. Sort of like repairing and strengthening the breaches so as to protect my ability to function. To fortify more ably the dam that houses the great waters of my emotions. To not so easily be any ones` pawn. To understand that people come and go, and to not attach so easily. Self preservation. Fairy tales have to go now. Or at least, be re-examined.
You are welcome.
“Your sense of obligation is greater than normal”. I thoughts empaths were the normal ones…who are the “normals” then?
Coki: Yes. The sense of obligation of an empath is greater than normal, all the way to ignoring one`s own needs on behalf of others to the point of imploding. Then picking oneself up and doing it over and over again, sometimes until one destroys oneself, if not checked and rehabilitated, at some point.
These elements are so very true, but I do not feel obligated. If I sensed the above qualities were expected or demanded, I would be reluctant to or would not oblige.
Though not the case for all empaths, for me, the desire to give or share springs from both instinct and choice. My initial instinct is to be caring and giving, but there are filters or check points that must be ticked to cause me to choose to act. A desire (but not a compulsion) to give, to heal, to show gratitude and appreciation, to assist, to share, to care, to be responsible, and of course, to love, are gifts gladly and joyfully given when circumstances seem appropriate.
The problem with narcissists is everything is not all it seems. Manipulation is possible because of the facade, the golden period, the calculations and deceptions. We tend to see the best in you and want to believe those are the true qualities. In devaluation or disengagement, a different side emerges and it feels shocking and confusing, but only because it new behavior and originally withheld.
Of course, you know all of this. It is your brilliant and brutal works here that illuminated the truth of the total picture and brought about acceptance and for that I am ever grateful. Thank you HG.
You are welcome.
I agree TY in that I do not feel obligation and in fact can become quite stubborn and withholding if I feel something is expected of me or I’m being taken for granted. As a massage therapist, I get a lot of clients who expect to be coddled and are very inconsiderate of my time and my schedule. Although I do enjoy making people feel better, I have to politely but firmly make it clear to them that they are not the center of my universe.
Dearest HG. So true to all of the above. We were raised that way. I was. To never give up. To never give in. To never give out. Love conquers all. Quitters never win and winners never quit. Time will fix it all. It is all women`s fault because of what Eve did in the garden. Women are stronger than men and can take more pain. You wanted him, and now you got him. etc. etc. I need to deprogram myself. I did come up with one deprogramming message: I said to myself, winners never quit, but I am not really quitting, but retreating permanently. That even the best Generals have retreated to win the greater battle. That is all I have so far. Truly not enough.
Princess, why should you equate leaving an abusive relationship as “quitting “. Maybe it would be more helpful if you viewed it as a strength instead. Think of it as self respect, as well as self preservation.
marinathemermaid3. I do not know why I equate leaving an abusive relationship as quitting. I am being honest, on how I feel. Not that my feelings are good for me. or even smart. I think I am programmed that way. Till death do us part and such phrases, since I was born. For sickness (is not all this a sickness or something like it?) and in health. Now, after transacting with a Narc, I feel forced to hold up some of these phrases to the bright lightbulb of interrogation and question them, repeatedly, until I uncover and force out an answer about the phrases such as: What is your origin? Who created you and when? What is your purpose? Who is your current leader? I am doing this now for, like you say, my own self preservation, and in order to go forward.
For me, if I am an “empath”, it’s the feeling sorry for. You did not choose to become a narcissist. It is a result of wounding at an early age. I think most people’s issues are a result of wounding at an early age. I still keep thinking that there has to be some way to heal the narcissistic wound. I refuse to accept that it is beyond repair. The human spirit is so resilient. People have been able to bounce back from the most horrific circumstances. I guess I am a “fixer” as well, although I prefer the term healer. I don’t want to get back at these individuals. I truly want to help them. There’s got to be a way.
marina. It is quite difficult to attempt to fix the Narcissist when he is in the process of water-boarding you. I guess one could spurt out “I love you,“ between dunks before, you pass out or drown or escape. Sometimes one has to love and empathize academically and hypothetically and from afar, even from another galaxy, far, far away.