The Crying Game (Tears) – Part Three

the-crying-game

Hitherto I have mentioned how I have learned how I might mimic the expressions of upset and pain in order to force tears to flow for the purposes of drawing sympathy and getting my own way, although I see this as beneath me but it enabled me to understand how many of our kind use this to their advantage. I have witnessed the tears that appear as a consequence of pride, admittedly an alien sensation to me and it is whilst I raise this point that I turn to another aspect where tears are seen. Joy.

The earliest time that I remember seeing tears of joy was when I was at university. One of my girlfriends at that time was a young lady called Trish. It was during the early stage of my seduction of Trish that her birthday arrived. I think we had been seeing one another for a couple of months and along came her birthday. I was keen to impress and ensure that the delightful and vivacious Trish remained bonded to me. Back then I did not know that she gave me fuel, I only knew that she was kind and attentive and that I relished being with her because she looked at me with her round blue eyes as if nobody else in the world mattered to her. It was always an edifying experience.

I purchased a beautiful silver necklace, set with a delicate arrangement of small diamonds around a larger sapphire, which reminded me of her eyes, from Tiffany and Co. I knew this would impress her. Elegant, expensive and scintillating. She could not fail to be delighted with this gift. On the evening of her birthday I took her to dinner in one of the university city’s restaurants. Just her and I. I wanted her undivided attention on this special day. Since what I came to now as the golden period remained intact there was no need to upstage her on her birthday or cause her to be upset by forgetting about it as I have done with so many others since. I can still picture her sat across the table from me, by the window, her sky blue dress and her slender shoulders on display, shoulders that I would always kiss tenderly and cause her to tremble in anticipation. Her eyes shone with excitement as she knew a gift awaited her and I felt her excitement as it flowed over me, it was especially edifying. I had arranged for the waiter to bring the gift over once we had finished our meal and I watched him approach from the corner of my eye as I continued to look at Trisha, both of us smiling. The waiter placed the green-blue box with the white ribbon in front of Trish and she pulled at the ribbon, letting it fall as she lifted the lid on the box and then looked at the contents with her mouth falling open. She lifted the necklace from the box as it glinted and it was then that I saw her eyes were welling with tears. Her mouth was still open, caught between a gasp and wanting to say something but her eyes were filled with tears. I watched as she stared at the jewellery, the sapphire spinning and flashing as it caught the various lights, both candle and electric in the restaurant.

“Don’t you like it?” I asked puzzled at her reaction. A tear trickled down her cheek.

“Oh HG, I love it, it is so beautiful. Thank you, thank you so much. It is the best gift that I have ever received.”

“Why are you crying then?” I asked perplexed. Her words seemed genuine to me, laden with appreciation and thanks, but the appearance of tears cast some doubt on this. It was important to me to ensure that she was delighted and thrilled with the gift that I had purchased for her.

“Because I am so pleased with what you have given me, I’m not upset,” she said smiling as she gave a short self-deprecating laugh and brushed the tear away although it was soon replaced by another.

“These are tears of joy, happiness, I am so overwhelmed,” she explained.

I remember the surge that arose as she told me this. I had heard of people crying tears of happiness but I had never seen it. I was naturally pleased that she was so delighted with my gift but what I remember most about that evening was the effect on me. Once it was confirmed that these were indeed tears of joy, the sensation that shot through me was immense. I had made someone cry because they were so happy, so joyous and so delighted. I had only ever previously seen the tears that came from pain, misery, upset and chastisement and this was something new.

“You like it then?” I asked.

“I love it. Oh I love it so much, you are a wonderful boyfriend, thank you,” she gushed, effusive in her delight.

That moment, when I first witnessed tears of joy has always remained with me. Not only because of how it made me feel, how powerful and invigorated I felt that I had made someone cry in circumstances which I had never witnessed before. New ground was broken that evening. It also, however stayed with me because I have never shed tears of joy myself. Indeed, I often got Trisha to recount to me how she actually felt as she opened the box and looked on the gift. She articulated the sensations which washed over her, a sense of amazement, disbelief at first and then a warmth which spread across her.

“It was as if an angel had touched my heart,” she explained, “and I just felt really happy, really delighted at how the person I love the most had chosen something so special for me. It made me feel wanted, special but above all I felt elevated, you know, as if I had been lifted up.”

“Did you feel powerful?” I asked her.

“No, not that, just excited, with a jittery sensation in my stomach but not from nervousness but from being so happy and pleased.”

Ever since then when I achieved my superlative examination results, when I received various job offers, when I have been promoted or a recipient of industry awards or accolades I have never felt the joyous sensation that Trish spoke of. Indeed, I recall when a job offer arrived through the post I read it and did not feel anything as I read the words offering me the position, couched as they were in a straight-forward and business-like manner. The only thing I felt was the sense of anticipation at the reaction of my then girlfriend when I telephoned her to tell the good news. It was her response that I was looking forward to which made me actually feel something. When she squealed down the phone and congratulated me, it was then that I felt the familiar power surge as my achievement was recognised. I was not able to feel that as I read the emotion free letter on my own, I needed the interface with another.

Thus when I have stood on a stage and accepted an award after being voted number one in my industry and the generous applause is ringing in my ears and I shake the hands of the representatives of the award sponsors and smile at their “congratulations”, “well dones” and “thoroughly deserveds” I have felt that familiar surge of power, but nothing akin to what Trish described for me. There is no joy. There are no tears of joy.

I revel in bringing forth those tears of joy for other people during my seduction of them. Indeed, I must always try to achieve this because the power that arises from knowing I have achieved this is considerable. To move someone to tears as a consequence of happiness is power indeed. It still fascinates me. Whilst I of course draw fuel from the tears of upset and frustration and they are potent indeed, they do not hold the same fascination for me as witnessing those tears of joy. I saw tears of sadness and upset many times in the past and understood how to bring that forth, but the experience of seeing those tears of joy was quite the revelation to me and all the more fascinating because I am able to cause something in others that I can never feel for myself. Such is the twisted nature of the power that I wield.

7 thoughts on “The Crying Game (Tears) – Part Three

  1. Sarah says:

    HG, I imagine as I sit here thinking how sad it is that you will never experience tears of joy, you may feel I have been robbed for never feeling fuelled by power.

    People speak of the human experience and what it means to be human. By definition we are both human and yet it is clear by this example the human experience cannot be defined.

    It is hard to learn from the experiences of others, as we learn from our own experiences mostly. I will never experience living from the perspective of a narcissist. You will never have the lived experience of an empath. Your genius is for filling the gap in the middle; encouraging the empathic people to learn from their own experiences within the context of your perspective and your pen.

    The bridge to understanding a perspective so indifferent to my human values is at times unfathomable. However, when I read an example such as this and your words come to life I’m a colourful illustration of our differences and why they are so co-dependent the importance of this understanding is so clearly defined.

    A brilliant piece of work.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

  2. Christopher Jackson says:

    So I have to say hg I appreciate the material that you provide on how you encounter how you dont feel things by explaining that to us. I was wondering how you discovered these things and I’m finding out so great passage sir …well done

  3. flutterbymorpho says:

    That’s such a shame you dont feel that joy. I feel it everyday.. I could feel Trish,s joy just reading that! I also felt joy for her. To make someone else feel joy invokes the same feelings really, it feels just as wonderful to make another happy ,not a feeling of power. I will take joy over power anyday.. you are right, I’ve never seen joy or enjoyment experienced by my husband.. no wonder he has no interest in anything on earth.. he recognises when another feels it though and that makes his face scowl and the moment must be ruined..

  4. Chihuahuamum says:

    I do wonder how much of a narcissists lack of empathy is from brain damage due to the abuse and or that they were born that way. The same part of the brain that governs empathy affects those with autism. The good news is the brain is healable and can change. By practicing empathy and doing empathetic acts the brain can change in that direction. We worked years with our son and therapists and bc of that he does feel empathy. Maybe not to the same extent or as naturally but he has the capacity to feel it. I do think its possible to change that area of the brain and with it the ability to feel true joy and empathy but the work involved in that change is a choice and therein lies the real issue which is wanting to make that change.

  5. Angie says:

    Tears of Joy, Happiness, Pride, and Gratitude can be bestowed upon the recipient who receives that exquisite and gorgeous gift,,,it is a consequence of their appreciation and fortitude ,,,the strength of their character and how they deign to show what happiness and joy and appreciation mean to them not necessarily as a consequence of what emotions the narcissist stirred and the power they wielded. Empathetic people hold that power always.

  6. marinathemermaid3 says:

    Wow H.G. So sad.

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