You spend your time searching. Searching for the one who will fulfil that desire of complete happiness, the one who will be your match, the one who accords with being the soulmate, the one who completes you, the ying to your yang, the one who makes everything alright again. The one who will wipe away those tears of sadness and bring to you the tears of joy and elation. The one who will always be there, come hell or high water. The one who creates that world that you have always craved. The one who chases away the shadows and keeps the wolf from the door. The one who loves you for what you are and does not seek to change you. You search for the one who wants to be with you but will not complain when there is enforced absence. The one who never forgets the important milestones in your lives but never remembers the times when matters do not quite go to plan. The one who will ensure your memories live on in the raising of others. The one who will not turn from you but will lift you up and rely on you also. The one who will take your hand and hold it tight no matter what storms come your way. The one who wakes with you and smiles that special smile. The one who lays their lips against yours as the day ends and night engulfs the land. The one who knows you inside out and cherishes everything you have to offer the world. The one who understands you and wants to understand you. The one who embraces your flaws and imperfections and does not use them against you. The one who looks into your eyes and desires what they see there. The one who will not judge you, will not hold your errors against you but who will hold you as the world may collapse around you and the one who will say your name with their dying breath.

You spend your time searching for a sign. An indicator that will give you the answers. Something on which you can hang hope, that imposter, in order to solve the mystery that you are now faced with. Something that will enable you to unravel the puzzle that has emerged every day and has your mind twisted, thoughts stretched and contorted. You are searching for the truth, your slavish devotion to such a concept is honourable indeed and you must find that truth and hold it high for all to see. You must locate it and raise it up above to ensure that everybody knows of it. You must find the solution, you must identify the panacea that shall cure all these ills, for you are a fixer, a solver, a healer. You search and search for explanation, enlightenment and elucidation. You are hunting high and low for the reason to something which seems unfathomable. Your search will lead you into dead ends, frustrating cul-de-sacs and along treacherous and perilous routes where your bewilderment is only heightened. Your search for clarity amongst the confusion appears to be never-ending. You may be blessed with an indefatigable spirit which enables you to carry way beyond the endurance of others as this search continues. There are clues, but they dance away from you like an elusive will o the wisp, leaving you blundering after it, as you are led further into the quagmire of disturbing befuddlement.

You search for the antidote to the pain that engulfs you each and every day. Some salve to soothe your fevered brow, a medicine that will numb the pain and bring the cure. You search for an end to the hurt. An end to the misery that sweeps about you, its chains heavy and rusting, making you stoop and cutting you to the core. Dragging you down with its hatred, the horror and the malevolence so you fall to your knees. You crawl across the barren land, hands pricked from the thorns that grow across your path as wearied and beaten down you drive yourself on searching for a way out. You sob with frustration as your draining journey reveals that you have gone around in a circle and you stare with disbelieving eyes at your own handprints in the dust, realisation crashing into you that your endeavours have all been for naught. You search for the Holy Grail that will grant you release from this torture, the answer to every question which gnaws at your terrified mind, the oil that will calm the troubled waters allowing your passage across the emotional sea to become easier allowing you to reach the promised land. You search for the key which will unlock the huge gate that looms over you, the opening of the portal that will enable you to escape this horror which surrounds you and has become woven into the tapestry of your every day. You search and search, fooled by the charlatans that offer respite only to whisk it away at the last moment, wrenching it from your grasp. You search and search for a way out of the nightmare, idiots and clowns suggesting they have the route mapped out for you, but they know little or nothing, well-intentioned or otherwise they are not the ones who will be able to end your search. You search and search for the final destination that will finally grant you release. There are options which may bring this horror show to an end, the dropping of the final curtain but whilst you contemplate that, deep within you there is that will to overcome what torments you and to avoid failing and seeking that alternative exit. That way is not for you. You must conclude your search. You must achieve it and as that truth seeker your search continues. You wish to reach the end and it is an end which gives you the absolute truth, the clearest of answers which thus enables you to seize the power to create that which serves your needs once again. The answers that will sweep aside the darkness and enable you to step into the light once more, a champion of perseverance and a titan of determination.

So, day after day after day, you search.

Your search ends here.

The Holy Grail teaches you deliverance over ruin.

28 thoughts on “Searching

  1. Lori says:

    Haven’t participated here in awhile for a couple of reasons number one being I a new project professionally and number 2 he’s a a Narc I mean what else can I say? It’s seems I’ve said it all. But out of curiosity Hg when I did contact the Narc I experimented with some the stuff here was super nice, complimented him and still silence but not blocked on his phone. What does that mean? Shelf?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Could you rephrase your question Lori as I think there’s a mistake in it making it slightly difficult to understand its nature. Thank you.

      1. Lori says:

        ok what I meant was that when I contacted him I used some of what I learned in you piece How to make the Narcissist return. I basically sucked up complimented him. Told him how great he was and said I wasn’t upset with him at all. I still got silence. Still blocked on FB but not his phone and I know he got it and read it. I know he did. So what does that mean HG? Shelf ? I swear this has all felt and seemed like discard but if were discard he would have blocked me on his phone. What do you make of this?

        Side note : since I contacted him a month ago not a single fake friend request or unknown call. Not one

      2. Lori says:

        Sure. I thought I responded but don’t see it so I apologize if this is a dupe. A little while back I caved and contacted. I used some tactics from your piece how to make the narcissist return. I was nice complimented etc… still silence, still blocked on his Facebook but not his phone. I know there have been numerous Hoover triggers still silence. What is that shelf? I have often said it felt like disengagement but according to your work it can’t be because a channel was left open and I know damn good and well it’s been left open for good reason. Narcs are very adept at all blocking capabilities so if anything is left open it’s for a reason. So what is it HG? All the Hoover triggers and still silence Shelf? Or just what?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Assuming you are an IPSS (you do not say) you are on the shelf and the silence is because the HEC has not been met for you to be hoovered. If you want specific input on your situation, I recommend you organise a consultation as that way I can get the correct information from you and thus given you an accurate answer.

          1. Lori says:

            But wouldn’t contacting a narc meet the Hoover execution criteria ?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            No, it is a Hoover Trigger. The HEC may not be met so the narcissist may ignore you.

          3. Lori says:

            Ok I need to go back and read. I get an F on the reading and comprehension of the Hoover Execution piece. Lol Thank you

  2. princesssuperempath says:

    Dearest HG: I am sad that so few people know what they are dealing with. I just gave a link to another women that is wondering about a hot and cold, he loves her, then disappears and returns as if nothing has happened, Sends her a text and asks her a question, then does not respond, then treats her bad then good, and all this in just five days of meeting him in a whirlwind type courtship. I could not believe she said she is already a little in love with him. In just five days. I gave her a link to your video: Narc Alert! Red Flag Flying No. 1.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you for doing so.

  3. Joanne says:

    The search definitely ends here. I look back to the earlier days before I landed here, and reading some of my “wallowing hole” posts break my heart. I was so crushed and lost and confused. Not to mention having to conceal the details of my infidelity to that audience. Thankfully I found you before too long. This is truly the repository of all the answers. It may take time to see them all clearly, and what I’ve come to find is that the learning is cumulative. Each article and book may tackle a specific point but they build on one another in such a way that I find myself having mini revelations almost every day in my own situation. It all ties together and drills down and suddenly there is clarity. We must go through the pain but at least through here, there’s a path to understanding and an end to the self-flaggelation.

    This may sound narcy but I’m really enjoying the feeling of superiority I have now. I see him for what he truly is, I see his patterns clear as day. I can also look at his other/new sources and feel pity for them rather than churn myself up wondering what they may have that I do not. THAT in itself is a great place to be. ET is still there but my logical thought eclipses that and is strengthened each day.

    Thank you HG and thank you contributors for your ongoing, non-judgmental support and sharing of your own journeys ❤️💪🏼

    1. princesssuperempath says:

      Joanne: I can not tell if you are still with the narc, are you?

      1. Joanne says:

        Princess SE
        No, we are not together. I am also married to someone else :/

        The narc an I had a brief affair that lasted about 2 months. I was placed on the shelf at about 6 weeks… This was about 4 months ago. We are still in contact but very sporadically and only via social media.

        1. princesssuperempath says:

          Joanne: Be careful. Not an even playing field, emotionally or interpersonally. You may have the most to lose. Not worth it, long term. It is his game. I hope you are out of it with all intact.

          1. Joanne says:

            Princess SE
            You’re right on all counts. We are no longer involved romantically, and I am intact 🙏. It was a very strange ending, a slow fade where I could sense him withdrawing (what I now know was shelving) and me backing off too. Now we’re back to being “friends” again 🙄 and only communicate over social media. I held off of NC/blocking because I was afraid that would ignite some fury and he’d smear me to my husband. I feel that threat has lessened considerably now. He does appear in a Facebook message or whathaveyou, and reply to him in a pretty pleasant but boring, innocuous manner just to keep things “nice.”

    2. Sarah says:

      Beautifully written Joanne. I relate to every word and love your illustration of the logical vs emotional thinking eclipse. I think we need an article about that one! Lends itself to a wonderful illustration as well.

    3. Lori says:

      Be very grateful this was only 2 months. These people can do tremendous amounts of emotional damage over extended periods of time. I have been iPod and ipss with 2 different narcs over extended periods of time and it takes years to get past it. A couple of months toh will recover quickly and be thankful it was short and sweet. Stlll very palnful but your sounds are not as deep.

      1. Joanne says:

        I am indeed grateful that this only lasted a short time. Had it gone on longer I’m sure my life would be in shambles in more ways than one. Having nearly 25 years of experience with a malignant narc in my stepfather, I was able to recognize similarities in behavior which alerted me to what was happening, and luckily I found HG in quick time to get a grip on my sanity and life.

        I’m aware that my suffering is a drop in the ocean compared to what others have gone through. My mother for one, whom I witnessed endure this emotional abuse/torture/torment for 25 years without escape, and whose cancer I believe to have been brought on (or at least accelerated) by it.

        So, while my wounds are not as deep, everything is relative. And no matter how far into a relationship one goes, or the exact nature of that relationship, all of our traumas are valid.

        1. Lori says:

          Not suggesting they aren’t but you will recover quickly as long as you don’t have too much exposure to him going forward. I’m happy for you that it was only 2 months. These are just so damaging. It may not feel like it but this will pass quickly for you.

  4. katebd19 says:

    You described me. I have almost cried remembering my experience while reading this article. Although my case was not the usual one, as you know, I am more than familiar with all these “search” phases. And yes, search ended when I found HG😉. Ruin vanished. Thank you.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  5. Presque Vu says:

    ‘The Holy Grail teaches you deliverance over ruin.’

    Like Candyce states: Every decision I have made in my life has lead me to this EXACT moment in time – has hit home with me.
    The fear of being utterly destroyed for fun haunts me but I guess it was a lesson I had to have.
    The fog and the fool and the fool is me.

    It’s so weird how you hit the nail on the head every time with these articles.

  6. Sarah says:

    It’s funny how education can bring you full circle on this blog.

    I think back to the key influence of N beginning in my life at the age of 15, shortly after losing my father. I could’ve thought of 1000 ways to attempt to ruin my own life back then, given that there was so much devastation in my heart.

    Upon reflection, I think I needed the distraction of believing in the false love story at that time in my life. There are worse outcomes that I could’ve reached and potentially it saved me from an equally or even more disastrous fate. It also provided by way of complete contrast, a really clear illustration of the sort of relationship I needed if I was to fulfil my desire to raise a family. I could see very clearly the importance of providing a stable loving home to nurture and protect my children. No amount of passion for a narcissistic psychopath can keep your children safe.

    My relationship with this toxic, disordered individual has done nothing to change his approach to life, however it has been completely transformational for me. I think even his decision to find me after so many years was helpful, because it was the activation trigger for me to find HG.

    I have not an ounce of nostalgia left for that relationship. I think of N and I picture chaos, which drives him quickly from my thoughts. Watching the same old cycle repeat itself over and over again has completely lost its meaning. We all grew up together and yet the rest of us have grown, challenged ourselves and become more well rounded in our thoughts, feelings and behaviours. He is still a veneer, searching to satiate an unquenchable thirst for attention and adulation.

    There is nothing beautiful or special about that.

    1. Joanne says:

      Very well said. I can especially relate to “We all grew up together and yet the rest of us have grown, challenged ourselves and become more well rounded in our thoughts, feelings and behaviours. He is still a veneer, searching to satiate an unquenchable thirst for attention and adulation.” And no, there is nothing beautiful or special about that at all.

      1. Sarah says:

        Thanks Joanne, I am so pleased it resonates with you also.

        I think the older we get the less appealing a boastful parrot becomes, especially when their feathers are fading and our natural maturation highlights their stagnant approach to relationships.

        The fullness of time is a wonderful thing!

  7. Candyce Marie Mathews says:

    I read this at EXACTLY the right moment! Call it serendipitous events if you want, but I believe there are no “accidents” no “coincidences”. Every decision I have made in my life has lead me to this EXACT moment in time. God is good and He has a plan for each of His children, including you H.G. I never thought in a million years that I would thank a narcissist. I find myself humbled by the presence of God delivering me to read this when I was meant to. So, “Thank you H.G.” While you do this to serve yourself in many ways, you are also doing God’s work whether you like it or not. He has used you, His creation, to show others like me the proverbial “light at the end of the tunnel”. I cannot express how much I needed to read this now. I am praying for you. Again, thank you for your insight and for always responding, however trite it is. I know you think doing so is “annoying” and “below you” as you probably just wish us Empaths would get a grip and just understand what it is you’re saying….well, ditto.

    1. nunya biz says:

      I feel this way too Candyce. I believe in synchronicity and this post hits those buttons. Very strange things happened, two men (one honest, one not) I knew went by the same exact initials (one as a psuedonym, guess which?!). Both men’s names played on variations of the word “truth”. The entire situation led me to a spiritual and psychological crisis that completely undid me. I often think that HG is a channel. Most days I don’t think about the synchronicities because it is too unbelievable to me.

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