The Dirty Empath – Marriage Breaker
The Empath. Regarded as a paragon of virtue with those traits of honesty, decency, compassion, love devotee, moral compass and so on. All of which make the empath and their fuel output tempting prey for us. Yet within these virtuous empathic traits sit other traits, narcissistic traits.
There are four schools of empath (Standard, Super, Co-Dependent and Contagion) . Layered on to these schools are the empathic cadres (such as Magnet, Carrier and Geyser).
Each empath within the relevant school has both empathic and narcissistic traits. Some will have a small number of strong empathic traits with few narcissistic traits which are low in strength. Some will have many empathic traits which are moderate in strength and have few or numerous narcissistic traits which are all very low in strength. Some will have many empathic traits which are strong and numerous narcissistic traits which are moderate or even quite strong. The key consideration is that, in effect, the empathic traits keep the narcissistic ones ‘in check’ and thus the empathic individuals behaves in a way which is empathic with other people.
There are however two main instances when the narcissistic traits come to the fore. The first is through The Empathic Supernova which is when the empathic traits become ‘dialled down’ or eroded for a temporary time and thus the narcissistic traits come to the fore. The second instance is a permanent state of affairs and this is the cadre of the Dirty Empath. The individual is empathic, of that there is no doubt, they have those empathic traits, they also have narcissistic traits too, however one of those narcissistic traits remains strong and prominent throughout and sits alongside the fewer, weaker narcissistic traits and the various empathic traits of varying strength. This does not mean this person is a narcissist, not at all. It does not mean that this person is not an empath. What it means is that they are an empath but there is one (sometimes there might be more) narcissistic trait which ‘dirties’ their empathic status. Think of the empath coloured white with a black streak running through them. The DE is the class of empath and there are various Dirty Empath streaks.
One of the dirty streaks which runs through the Dirty Empath is that of Marriage Breaker (or Intimate Relationship Breaker). This streak is based on the narcissistic trait of selfishness.
This situation arises where the DE becomes involved with somebody who is already in another relationship. The DE is single. The other person is not. There are those empaths who would never have a relationship with someone who is already committed to another. The level of refusal varies from those who might engage with someone who is dating other people but would not if they are in a steady relationship and not at all with someone who is living with another person and is/or married, through to those who refuse to countenance any romantic interaction with someone who is engaging with other people, at any level.
The Dirty Empath will not actively seek out a romantic relationship with someone who is already married. If the DE knows somebody is in a relationship, they will not pursue that person as that offends the empathic traits of the empath. The narcissistic trait of selfishness is not so strong as to override the empathic traits and cause the DE to want to pursue and engage in a relationship with someone who is already taken, committed to somebody else and so forth. Such an act is the preserve of someone who is a normal (even then it remains unlikely) and is more likely the response of someone who is narcissistic (not an empath and not empathic) or a narcissist.
Accordingly, a Dirty Empath will not target, pursue and engage with a person who is already in a romantic relationship.
That point made, what are the circumstances which give rise to the Dirty Empath Marriage Breaker? There are three.
The common thread where the Dirty Empath Marriage Breaker (“DEMB”) arises is where the DEMB is targeted by the other person. The person will be highly narcissistic or more usually, this person will be one of our kind.
Addressing the three circumstances :-
The Ivory Response
The DEMB is seduced by the Other Person (“OP”). They do not do the seducing. The OP does not tell the DEMB that they are in a relationship and if the OP is (and most likely will be) a narcissist, the DEMB will be the Candidate IPSS or Shelf IPSS. The DEMB may well be strung along in this fashion, oblivious to the fact that the OP is in a relationship, for some time. They may have suspicions but as ever, the OP will use plausible deniability to assuage those concerns. In the usual style of the seduction of the golden period, the DEMB will be taken in and engage romantically with the OP.
You may be thinking that since the DEMB does not know the OP is in a relationship, was not the pursuer and has been seduced, is it not somewhat harsh to describe them as a DEMB? Possibly, but the fact remains that they are romantically entangled with another person who is in a relationship and thus that comes within the umbrella of DEMB.
However, there comes a point where the DEMB finds out that the OP is already in a relationship. This may happen whilst the seduction is ongoing, it may (more likely) occur when there is devaluation or during a period of being placed on the shelf. The DEMB having learned of this will not immediately walk away from the OP. They will, in accordance with their status as a truth seeker want to gain answers from the OP. The relationship will continue. The DEMB will also make it his or her mission to tell the spouse or partner of the OP what has been happening, thus they earn the epitaph of Marriage (Relationship) Breaker or at the very least, disruptor.
The DEMB will fail to get adequate answers from the OP. The DEMB will not however just retreat, upset and distraught at having ‘been played’ and lied to. This is where the DEMB’s selfish trait flares up. Their moral indignation at their situation must be attended to. They will not withdraw and allow the OP and his or her partner to mend matters and patch things up. No, the DEMB will :-
- Ensure the OP’s partner knows what has happened in detail and will encourage them to walk away from the OP;
- Ensure other people know about the OP’s behaviour;
- Ensure the OP is told precisely what a low-life, cheating bastard he or she is.
Once 1,2 and 3 have been achieved, the DEMB then walks away from the carnage caused and endeavours to remain out of the hoovering clutches of the OP, the OP now desperate to find a new IPPS since in all likelihood the actions of the DEMB have caused the narcissist OP to lose his existing IPPS and be looking at a fuel crisis.
Accordingly, the DEMB is not whiter than white because (unwittingly) they engaged in a relationship with an attached OP. They cause carnage through their response to learning of the cheating behaviour of the OP towards themselves and the OP’s IPPS (and possibly other IPSSs). They are not completely blackened however as their response has sought to achieve some good, albeit for selfish reasons. The DEMB walks away from the OP (and tries to stay away) and accordingly the response arrived is off-white, hence ivory.
The Point of No Return
Similar to the above, the DEMB does not know that the OP Narcissist is attached to someone else. The DEMB is pursued, seduced and falls for the OP. At some juncture, the DEMB later learns that the OP is with somebody else. This could be during seduction, when being placed on the shelf or through devaluation.
The response is not one of ivory however.
Instead, the DEMB has reached The Point of No Return. Such is their addiction to the OP Narcissist, such is their desire to keep that person as their own and ‘beat’ the OP’s partner, the DEMB’s narcissistic trait of selfishness rises to the fore, overriding the empathic traits and causing the DEMB to fight for the OP.
He or she will do whatever they can to maximise their chances of being retained by the OP over the OP’s Partner. The combination of the seductive addiction and their own selfish narcissistic trait means that they will :-
- Tell the OP’s Partner about their existence;
- Focus on winning back/retaining the OP’s interest;
- Possibly even smearing the OP’s Partner themselves in order to achieve their aims.
The DEMB’s usual empathic traits are outshone by this single, strong narcissistic trait of selfishness to the extent that they appear to have taken leave of their senses. They want the OP, they see that they should be the one who ‘wins’ the triangulation and they will keep on trying to secure this outcome again and again, even when placed on the shelf or devalued. Of course the OP may well find their relationship with their IPPS in tatters but will not be unduly concerned as the Narcissist OP will feed on the twin stream of fuel and either remain with the original IPPS and dis-engage from the DEMB IPSS or choose the DEMB IPSS instead and continue with the shelf arrangement with them or make them the new IPPS.
The DEMB in these circumstances has reached the Point of No Return, they want the OP and notwithstanding the carnage caused, the roller coaster ride which awaits them, they earn the title of DEMB justifiably.
The White Knight
In this scenario, the OP tells the DEMB that he or she is with someone else. Nevertheless, the narcissist OP will adopt the tactics of
“We are effectively separated.”
“We are only together for the children and lead separate lives otherwise”
“I am being abused.”
“It is a loveless marriage”
“I have tried to make it work but he/she just isn’t interested any more and I have not left because x, y or z”
“My wife doesn’t understand me.”
The DEMB adopts the role of White Knight riding to the rescue to save this poor OP from their misery, their banal existence or the clutches of the tyrant spouse. It is the familiar story of faked misery and abuse manufactured by the narcissist OP, the cultivation of the DEMB in the role of rescuer, the OP as ‘victim’ and the OP’s Partner as the ‘perpetrator’. The DEMB operates through a hybrid of empathic traits (doing the decent thing in rescuing the poor downtrodden narcissist OP, exhibiting compassion for this person etc) and also the narcissistic trait of selfishness because they want to be with this person, they want to ‘save’ them even though they are attached to someone else. Yes, they have been duped by the OP’s manipulative act and illusory behaviours, but nevertheless, the DEMB knows this person is attached and because they do not walk away, but instead engage in the relationship with the narcissist OP, they earn them mantle of DEMB.
Thereafter, this White Knight DEMB may be the Candidate IPSS and becomes crowned as IPPS, only then to suffer the devaluation and then learn the truth about the nature of the OP and what he or she did to the innocent OP’s partner. They may become the Shelf IPSS and find out the truth when they are on the shelf or possibly (though rarely) have been dis-engaged from. Once the White Knight realises they are not the rescuer, their response changes and they may respond with an Ivory Response or continue to fight for the OP, as per the Point of No Return. The fact remains, they knew this person was with someone else but they engaged with the OP and went along with the seduction despite this state of affairs. Yes, they may well have done so for noble empathic reasons but they also did so for a narcissistic selfish trait also.
Thus the Dirty Empath Marriage Breaker arises in three different ways, all of which either dent, damage or destroy an existing relationship between the narcissist (or narcissistic) OP and their existing partner.
14 thoughts on “The Dirty Empath – Marriage Breaker”
The narcissist pursues the empath.Would never think of pursing the narc. If we know they are in a romantic relationship with someone. Wouldn’t even think of going there. But the lying is unacceptable to us. There is no competition with anyone. However the narc will tell the other person there is and you later on. Its like the narcissist wants to set up a fuel frenzy. Making the dirty empath look to be a marriage breaker.
Yes yes and yes and remember that they have to blame someone else for their actions so why not blame the OW .
Dearest HG: Here is a short poem I wrote for you. ~~Poem: Dirty Empath Marriage Breaker. Loved a Narc, a Future Faker. But, he`s Put Her on the Shelf. She`s lost her Husband, Way and Self.
What if when you found out that he had a girlfriend, you told him that you would not be the “other woman”? This was my situation. I called off our relationship when I found out that he was seeing someone else for 8 months prior to me. Weeks went by and when we started dating again, he told me he had stopped seeing her (of course he hadn’t..even after we married)…. But I never once contacted her or tried to ruin her relationship with him. What does that mean?
What are you asking the question about Candyce? Your behaviour or his behaviour?
See, i think that this dirty empath thing is a little wrong. I think that it’s pretty unreasonable for us to just sit by or walk away quietly after we realize that we’ve been screwed over like this. I think that I have become a pretty selfish person through the experience itself but without shame shifting the blame into my ex narc, his triangulation literally morphed me into a very one sided person. I DID become selfish but I didn’t start out that way. As time went on and the truth came out, I was in so deep, that naturally I wanted to protect my man and my relationship with him, to the detriment of his poor wife buy at that point I had been led to believe that she was a controlling, manipulative woman who would not give him the divorce he so wanted. He wanted her to file for a variety of reasons She wouldn’t, and then I began to resent her as tune went on. I think that a lot of my responses were natural after I had been manipulated long enough by him, so I am having some trouble digesting that I fit the criteria for this label. There are simply too many other variables, specifics to each and every situation that we empaths have found ourselves in, and with enough time and manipulation many of us just sort of snap and respond with a lot of defenses and sometimes even go on the offense with those we’ve hurt because we have been led to believe that they are not nice people.
But in that equation we were not exactly nice people either were we?
No, but I’ve read a lot about reactive abuse. And the feelings we can have when we realize that our narc was lying to us. Anger is a part of the process of mourning. I am not trying to justify anything that I have said or done, but I certainly did want to expose him and his lies. If that makes me a dirty empath, then there are millions of us out there, because when a woman has been deeply deceived, is she only allowed to walk away with her tail between her legs? Or is that a societal thing? That women should remain passive when they have been lied to and screwed over
I dont mean our feelings and actions toward the narc. Of course I do not think women should be passive and I understand the anger. You pointed out that we are deceived into thinking that the wife for example is controlling and manipulative. Lead to believe they are not nice people. I was saying that believing that and using it as justification to stay involved where we know we do not belong does not make us nice people either.
I am one of those millions too and I was also in deep and manipulated and I also stayed (went back, actually, though did not intend to) once I knew and I did expose him and his lies after I finally escaped. I don’t regret being involved with him. Nor do I regret exposing him. Nor do I think I am ‘not a nice person.’ I didn’t control the narc or the situation. He did.
There are no rules except for narc rules. Don’t feel badly about it. In the end, it’s all situational and it’s your relationship and your experience and the particular manipulations that your narc used with you. There have been people on here who have cheated on their spouse with a narc and have confessed or not. There are people on here who have gotten involved with a married narc and exposed him or not. There are even people on here who are dealing with a narc who seduced their own spouse.
The point is to deal with your relationship with your narc and heal. If that means exposing him and his lies, then by all means do it. This is about you. Not about him or them. You come across as very thoughtful and hurt, and you have my full support if you need it.
Oh God. That’s what I am, I think. That’s what I have become. Not all of it but enough to make me shit my pants. God have mercy on my soul.
This is literally my situation and I responded by telling his wife, then trying to win him back. He blocked me everywhere. My question is will I be hovered ever? Or is he gone for good?
There is always a risk in accordance with the Hoover Trigger and Hoover Execution Criteria, to establish the extent of this risk I recommend you consult with me.
Brooke – How long a time period has it been since you last heard from him? I also contacted the wife of my ex but it was long after she already knew. I only contacted her at the request of his daughter, because we weren’t sure if she actually knew. But the truth is that after we spoke and after her reaction to me and my trying to explain that I had also been deceived, she immediately sided with her narc husband, and even told me that I wasn’t a very good friend to him for disclosing things about him to her! It was a little nuts. You would think that she might pause and at least consider what I was saying, but she went right into defense mode to protect her very narcissistic husband. To this day she will not file for divorce and their marriage is a mess, but she won’t budge. He won’t file because he wants her to get to the point that she accepts the reality that the marriage is over so that he doesn’t feel like he’s just abandoning her He wants the decision to be mutual. Time will tell.