The Doormat



The doormat. There it lies with a pleasant greeting of “welcome home” emblazoned upon it and all it gets is routinely overlooked and trampled on, but it never flinches, it never backs away from performing its function. Many of our victims find themselves regarded as doormats by our kind. Not only is this evidenced by the way that we regard you but it is also as a consequence of the way that we treat you. It is not those factors alone however that cause me to ascribe the label of Doormat to a particular appliance. Much of it comes from the thinking, attitude and mind set of the relevant victim. I have mentioned my sister, Rachael previously. Whereas I trod the path that has led me to where I am today, Rachael found herself becoming a doormat. She was routinely trampled on by all the members of our family and I watched and observed as we grew older as to how this manifested. As time progressed and with the increasing awareness that I have obtained, allied with the observations of the good doctors, I identified certain characteristics that she has which I have also seen in those who have been my primary source victims. I have concluded that whilst numerous of these victims have come close to being doormats, only three have actually achieved that status along with my sister.

Now, it is a mistake to think that a doormat would be regarded as weak. Naturally my kind think this but that is part of our mechanism for maintaining our superiority by pouring scorn on your traits and how they lead you to be treated. Those who are doormats exhibit a different kind of strength. They are weak in that they fail to assert themselves with sufficient emphasis to enable them to escape the worst of out treatment, but they possess a strength by virtue of those characteristics. To be able to have those characteristics and keep them, whilst being abused, ignored, trampled on and taken for granted, is perversely a form of strength and one which we welcome. We want appliances that will keep functioning, obeying us, pouring out the fuel and complying, without breaking down and malfunctioning the first time matters become rough. Finding a doormat amongst our victims is gratifying because it means that this person will not depart us, they have no desire to do so. It goes further however because they wish to stay not only for our reasons but for their own fulfilment as well. They pour fuel in our direction, remain subservient and compliant. What are the traits that constitute a doormat?

  1. The individual is sensitive and guilt-ridden.
  2. This person has learned to survive hostile environments by meeting our need for gratification. This first and foremost applies to the provision of fuel but it also goes further. The doormat will gratify us by allowing us to do what we want, recognises our need and right to do so, allows us to utilise whatever resources we see fit and caters for all of our needs in terms of fuel, trait provision and residual benefits.
  3. The doormat’s perception of love has become skewed. This person seeks love through the excessive accommodation of another’s needs. This may not just be us when we have attached them as a primary source to us, but in respect of other individuals. Those individuals may not be narcissistic but the doormat still wishes to accommodate the wishes of other people (something which of course irritates us and leads to conflict) because the doormat regards his or her role as one of accommodating everybody because then that means that they will be loved.
  4. The doormat simply gives too much. They do not take. They give of themselves on every level, from their emotions, their dedication, their time, their energy, their thoughts and their resources. They are impressively resourced in these matters and appear to have almost limitless time, energy etc. although eventually it becomes evident that they have not.
  5. The doormat does not feel safe unless he or she gives. If they perceive that they are taking they feel alarm and distress. If they are neither giving or taking they feel restless and out of their comfort zone. The need to provide and to give allows them to fulfil their role and in turns embodies a sense of safety for them. Once they begin to feel safe they will continue to give in order to remain in this safe place. This is why the doormat is drawn to our kind because we are takers and do so on a vast scale. We are made for the doormat and even though the doormat may not know what we are, their coupling with us, provides them with an innate sense of safety and security.
  6. The doormat must meet the emotional needs of the narcissist. We are empty. We are voids and your emotional attention, your fuel, needs to be poured into us. The doormat feels a need to ensure that those excessive emotional needs are met (although fails to realise that this can never be achieved) and therefore remains hooked and beholden to us in as the doormat tries to achieve the impossible. I have watched my sister continue to do this with Matrinarc.
  7. The doormat suffers low self-esteem but this is boosted by the success of the narcissist. My victims who were doormats found that their self-esteem was increased by my achievements and my accomplishments. I watched my sister gather her self-esteem from being linked to the achievements of MatriNarc, my father and me. This is a curious behaviour and is not unlike our stealing of traits from those around us in order to add them to our construct and in turn make us look better and more attractive. The doormat does not acquire the traits of our success but the fact we are successful and they are linked with us results in their self-esteem being increased.
  8. The doormat has a high tolerance to emotional abuse. The lashing out through heated fury and cold fury from our kind against the doormat causes the doormat to realise that the emotional need of our kind has increased. This signals to them that they must leap into action. They have a call of duty and rather than find the emotional abuse debilitating (at least at first) they regard it as a useful signal for them to do something in order to cater for it. However, all the doormat is doing is allowing a pressure to build up of this repeated emotional abuse. The doormat can tolerate it for longer than a standard victim but then there comes a point where the threshold is reached, the pressure can no longer be sustained and withheld and at that point there is a substantial and serious damaging effect on the doormat from the release of this pressure.
  9. The doormat feels guilt when catering for his or her needs and therefore almost in a masochistic way will place themselves in the firing line once again with our kind in order to assuage this guilt.
  10. The doormat feels undeserving of being loved. They want to be loved for what they do, rather than for what they are. They regard themselves of fundamentally unworthy of love save when they are carrying out their role. With my sister I saw this with both my father and mother. My father emphasised how it was important to help others and my sister saw that as a clear signal to flagellate herself in catering to the needs of others and especially our kind. My sister also explained to me that in respect of MatriNarc that she never says that she is happy but that my sister knew MatriNarc was happy with her because of how my sister felt, namely devoid of guilt and valued because of her excessive giving. I regarded her thinking as deluded but I did not correct it, because it served my purposes as well.

Listen to ‘The Doormat’

11 thoughts on “The Doormat

  1. FYC says:

    Hello HG, I hope you have an excellent weekend. First let me thank you again for adding the search plugin! It has made finding your past works and people’s comments much easier. So gracious of you to act so quickly!

    Clarification needed on number 10. Regarding your sister, it seems a CoD feels unworthy of love and validation because both were denied by the narcissistic parent. The CoD learns to over accommodate and over give in an effort to obtain a facsimile of love or approval. When your sister over accommodates Matrinarc, she feels pleased to have met her mark and equates this to approval by satisfying the Matrinarc. When in fact, the Matrinarc Is only using the conditioned response of the CoD as something to exploit to meet her own needs (consciously or subconsciously).

    I read in a psych journal that the co-dependent’s position is: “I have been hurt. If I love you and give you more, you will grant me what I need.” The narcissist’s model of the world is “I have been hurt. I don’t trust you – I never will. I will pit myself against you and take from you in order to get my needs met.”
    1)Is this accurate?
    2)Can your sister, through awareness halt this process with Matrinarc?
    3)Does your sister read your works or visit here? It would help her immensely.

    Thank you in advance for your further insight.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. Unconsciously essentially correct.
      2. It can be addressed.
      3. No.

      1. FYC says:

        Thank you for the clarification, HG. As always, you are most appreciated. It is sad though that your sister does not read your works.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome.

    2. E&L says:

      FYC, I am so afraid to find out what I am. I still wonder if I am really no different than all the N’s in my life. This was an interesting post. Lots to ponder…

      1. FYC says:

        Hello E&L, I am no expert, but I would suggest that if you are worried about/fear being a narcissist (as most of us have at some point) you most likely are not one. Every human has narcissistic traits and these can be good and support our survival. If you have genuine empathy (versus intellectual empathy), you are not a narcissist. The scale of narcissism is gradient and some people have more narcissistic traits than others, yet are still not narcissists.

        HG’s works are extremely useful in educating you on narcissists and empaths. You may want to start with his prime articles (see the menu bar). I do, however, recommend a consult with HG as it will clarify your personal situation and alieviate your fears. Best wishes in your progress and healing E&L.

  2. Sarah says:

    Hi Veronica,

    I am sorry for the sadness in your story and thank you for sharing it here.

    I imagine forgiveness for your father for teaching you to accept less than what you deserve was hard work and devastating for you at times. You have had to learn the hard way, but you have learned. You have a great gift in the trust you have for yourself.

    You have my deep respect for all you have been through in your life and I wish you a peaceful mind and heart.


    1. veronicajones1969 says:

      i have forgiven him,I was angry and afraid to let people in but that just hurt me. Now when I think about him I try to remember to send him love HG is very right about GOSO it is needed but the biggest loss an empath can get is to lose their light and love because of the abuse ,all of our actions are directly linked to who we are , this is why I refuse to be controlled by anyone I am still a target of narcissists and have more self work forgiveness is only difficult if you are working from an ego perspective it’s normal to want answers and to want to love and be loved narcissists are damaged people trying to protect their emotions they live every day controlled by their ego and logic says that if you are hurt by emotional thinking to suppress them but love is not logical neither is empathy it’s why they cannot feel it I truly hope you and every victim can heal and be their own friend it really helps to see your position in the third person perspective see yourself as you would see your child meditation and time alone will give you the chance to reflect on healing lots of love

  3. veronicajones1969 says:

    I was like this for half my life but I found my self love and refused to be that way anymore I realised when my dad died even on his death bed he would not tell me he loved me and I still ran after every one of his wants and needs he literally died in my arms it broke my heart in a million pieces it took his death for me to realise that it doesn’t matter how much you love someone you can not guarantee that they will ever love you even your parents
    I have fought narcissistic abuse since someone has to stand up for me and I am the only person I trust will

    1. Joanne says:

      I’m so sorry you had to go through that with your father. Thankfully it was a lesson learned to expect more for yourself and achieve your own strength and self love.

      1. veronicajones1969 says:

        It was really hard the first time I don’t even know what was holding me back I experienced a great deal of anxiety over it but it is definitely got easier over time I actually thought I had eliminated them, over the last couple years they’ve reappeared in my life again I’m not quite sure why I genuinely try to avoid narcissist hopefully one day I won’t have to and they will just leave me alone

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