How To Make The Narcissist Return
To bastardise a phrase, “How does your emotional thinking affect thee, let me count the ways?”
“I still love her and I always will, I miss her so much.”
“I know what he is, but I don’t care, I just have to be with him, there is no point otherwise.”
“I cannot stand to be without him. The pain is too much, so I would rather have the ups and downs than nothing at all.”
“I understand her now, so I can control the situation better so I will not be hurt. I can make this work.”
“Since I understand him, I can explain to him what I do and he will realise and everything will work out for the best.”
“All I need to do is work on pleasing her and asserting my boundaries and we can get through this, love conquers all.”
“I am better than her and he will soon realise what he has lost and he will come back to me, we are soul mates and meant to be.”
“They say if you let someone go and they come back then it is meant to be. That is what I must do ; let him go and ensure he returns to me.”
“I know he has hurt me but I have done some bad things as well, so if we are honest with one another we will sort things out, I only want him and nobody else.”
“I know he is bad for me, but well, it is so boring without him. Nobody else compares to him.”
“I don’t care if he hurts me, I love him and I know he really loves me and that is all that matters in the end. Love hurts sometimes you know.”
All of the above are the product of the fraudulent effect of emotional thinking and a thousand thousand further phrases besides. I have heard so many and read even more. I have no doubt you can think of similar utterances and proclamations.
So, if the bond is so tight and the pain so awful that you cannot bear to be without the narcissist, why not make him or her come back to you after they disengaged from you. They wanted you once, they seduced you and goodness, how did they seduce you! Those magical, mesmerising days of golden, beautiful, flawless perfection. If only you can return to them. How might you go about achieving this? What steps can you take to ensure that the narcissist returns to you and not only returns but stays? After all, you know they are a narcissist now, you understand why he or she operates as they do, you recognise the manipulations and you are confident that you can handle the narcissist so that not only are you not hurt but so that you do not lose them. You have gained the power through knowledge haven’t you? Now, all you need to do is cast that magic spell to make us come back to you. What can you do to guarantee the return of the narcissist to your arms, to your home, to your bed?
- Provide that positive fuel. Provide the narcissist with that reminder of the glorious and potent fuel that once drew us to you. Let it gush and fountain from you, with your praise, love and admiration for us. Do not hide it under a bushel, let it appear in vast quantities and often. Drown us in your positive fuel.
- Make those traits of yours which we expressed admiration for shine and appear prominently so we see what rewards await us by coupling with you once more, so we can claim those traits once again. Make sure that your achievements are noticeable – that promotion, that recent big client win, the articles printed in the press, the new followers for your work and so on.
- Ensure that the residual benefits are available once again. Have that house open to us whenever we choose, make it clear that money is available, let us know that we have a house keeper who will cook, clean and care for us, let it be known that yours is ours, that your contacts are accessible to us for our use, that we can plug into your networks once again and attend those prestige events. Whatever those residual benefits are, make it evident that they are ours for the taking.
- Demonstrate penance for everything bad that you have ever done. Make it clear you were at fault and that we were not, recognise your shortcomings and apply the suitable mea culpa mea maxima culpa so we know your contrition is genuine.
- Remove any obstacles. If you have a new partner, ditch him or her. Drop the restraining order. Obviously destroy the no contact regime. There should be no fence, wall or barrier to our glorious return.
- If we have been bad mouthed in anyway, make sure this is overturned. Ensure that family, friends and colleagues speak well of us, correct any ‘misunderstandings’ they may have acquired about us and create a fertile ground for the growth of our new and improved façade.
- Look and be your best to cater for the relevant cadre of narcissist, be it somatic, cerebral, victim or elite. Ascertain which we are and cater to that by adjusting your appearance, behaviour, outlook etc to align with what we want.
- Demonstrate subservience once again and your willingness to submit to our authority. Be strong to the world at large, if that is the way you are, but ensure we know that you will roll over and want your tummy tickled by us on our return.
Those are the key grounds which cover the various matters which you need to attend to if you are looking to make us return to you after you have been disengaged from so that your pain and misery is swept away and you can embrace the wonderful new Golden Period Mk 2.
Will those steps detailed above guarantee our return?
No.
You can never ever make us return.
Why?
This impossible outcome, much as you want and long for it, can never be guaranteed to happen for three reasons :-
- We are the controllers. We control, you are controlled. You do not tell us what to do, you do not make the decisions for us to obey, you do not bring about a situation because you want it, it happens if and because we want it. You may make the situation more appealing to us, granted, but even so there is never a guaranteed outcome. We must decide if we are to return. It is not even when we return, but if. It may never happen and if it happens it is only when we decide and on our terms. Not yours. You cannot compel us to these things. No matter how inviting you make it, no matter how much you place yourself on the sacrificial altar and declare that you will do anything and everything for us, it is not guaranteed to work because we must always have control and that means we must be the decision maker; and
- You do not know what else is occurring in our fuel matrix. No matter how well you tempt us with the creation of what you think is an inviting scenario, someone else in our fuel matrix may well be outshining you. If we have a new IPPS and we are in that golden period with them, there is NOTHING you can do to affect that. Our fuel needs may be met by a variety of appliances and therefore there is little need for you. You do not know the extent of our fuel matrix, how it is constituted, who is in it and what roles those people take. You do not know how much fuel is provided, how often and to what potency. You do not know how the character traits are supplied nor the residual benefits and because of this lack of knowledge, you can never have any guarantee that we will return to you.
- Our split thinking. If you are painted black, you are painted black and no matter what you do to try to shift that perception, you are not guaranteed to be able to do it. This means that you go can be superlative in your provision of fuel and all else but ultimately it will be scorned because your treachery (as seen by us) obscures and denigrates all that you do. You will remain black until we decide that you are white and whilst you might cause us to regard you as white because of something you do, you should note that
a. That still does not guarantee our return to you because of points 1 and 2 above ; and
b. Your turning white is usually as a consequence of someone else in our fuel matrix turning black and thus you have no control over that happening and when.
Furthermore, you may become painted white but you can soon become black very quickly and you have little control over how that happens.
How can you make the narcissist return to you?
You cannot.
You may want it to happen because you are being blinded by your emotional thinking. I understand that and you can tell me all the reasons why you want it to happen, how it will be different and so forth and I will shoot down each and every reason with ease.
You cannot make us return to you and one day, when the emotional thinking clears and logic prevails you will accept this and say
“I do not want the narcissist to return – because he is a narcissist.”
You will have then begun to seize the power.
27 thoughts on “How To Make The Narcissist Return”
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This is an interesting topic. I have had my concerns, HG, that a lot of the tactics outlined in your book Revenge can amount to making one look really delicious – the parts about removing one’s inferiority in particular. Money, improved social networks, making sure you look good all the time… Feels like putting out a bowl of blood on your porch for the bats.
HG your work is powerful because you understand the thinking of the victim, as well as the Narcissist, and the dynamic between them. Your work is validating and eye-opening.
I instinctively did everything you listed to end his disengagements. I became dishonest. I lied so he would reengage. About how great he was. I supported his facade and didn’t mention his flaws. I was manipulative too. I would send consistent messages begging him, and then suddenly stop. He would contact me soon after I stopped.
This was not love. It was addiction.
Will a LMR Somatic Hoover after I abuse him and explain how he’s like the people he hates the most? It’s been a month. Previoisly there have been 20+ disengagement and hoovers but this is first time I’ve intentionally wounded him and he’s very insecure and always thought I’d leave him.
This is but one factor in the HEC and its effect may be diluted by other factors.
He hoovered it took about 2 months.
He tried to call and then text me:
“Ring me tonight”
“I’m going camping tomorrow”
It’s ok HG I don’t love him anymore. Thanks to you.
They will always be a part of our lives/our memories – that’s for sure. It’s no use trying to imagine they never happened to us. They did – and that’s changed us forever.
NC is all I can manage for now. I don’t know how I’ll move forward, how I’m going to feel about it in a couple of years from now, or whether my anxiety will disappear for good. It’s just taking one day at a time and (although bad for me right now) one extra bit of information from this site.
Power to the empaths, the light workers of the universe. The thought of the return of my Wiesel is no thought at all! The nightmare is over! Now I live my life free of torture. This is me!!!!!! With this knowledge, I have brought my own closure and to think it was my fault was once the issue but now I know it was definitely not. He still lives in hell, and I just don’t care
If N has been wounded (assuming that being deleted on social media equates to this) but you send a message soon after via the same platform and receive a response, would that mean you haven’t yet been painted black?
I went to use different terminology to explain but luckily then remembered yours 😉
It depends what the response is.
A benign response indicates you are painted white.
A malign one indicates you are painted black.
Hello HG,
I am new to your site and have been reading your blog (along with a lot of other information) about narcissism. Like most people, I became intrigued (well… sort of obsessed) by the topic after having my first romantic relationship with one.
I have been no contact now for approx. 6 months. I go through a lot of different emotions (sort of depends on the day) but am committed to healing and staying away like anyone else who wishes to kick an addiction would be.
I have reason to believe that there is still much going on to win me back.. there have been a few third parties making themselves obvious to do some information digging for them.. thankfully… being armed with information I have remained completely boring and given very simple statements to these people ” I don’t wish to discuss it” and “It ended a long time ago and will remain that way” etc.
My situation is sort of interesting in the way that…. the way I confirmed they were a narcissist…. was through the narcissist telling me they were. I caught them in a moment of weakness, I had actually told them they should consider they are a Sociopath as they fit all the criteria, and they responded with that they are a narcissists… only to later of course say they didn’t say that, and twist all their abuse on me in our last conversation (big surprise).
Anyways… if they confessed it to me, does that mean they would fit in the greater category?
Welcome on board. No a confession does not equate to a Greater. The reason why is detailed and needs to be stated clearly to avoid confusion and will appear in s forthcoming article.
I am very much looking forward to this article HG. Would it be fair to say that it is more likely a mid ranger who believes himself to be a greater who would make such a comment?
Would a true greater ever even confess?
Of the two I know whom I beleive to be greaters, neither has ever made such an admission. Although for one when I have subtly hinted he is bad in a flirtatious manner, eg I tell him he has warm hands which means he has a cold heart. And that I would never allow anything to happen between us BecuSe I know he is bad for me (even though I have never seen this side to him, I have just picked up on all the N cues), because otherwise I wouldn’t be attracted to him. He can’t help but show that he secretly likes it when I say these things. Although he still denies it.
I used to think that those who confessed or heavily intimated were greaters because I didn’t know about these damn mids!
The recent pompous twat, even told me he was a psychopath then backtracked saying he was only 60% because everyone has a bit of psychopath in them. And he asked me to do an online test.
A Mid Ranger is the one who is most likely to be believe themselves to be the equivalent of a Greater (using a description equating to that if not the word itself).
The Greater would very, very rarely admit in person what they are. I can do so here because nobody knows who I am.
Oooh thank you so much HG. You’ve made my day…again!
I am very much interested in this topic. Narcissist seems to be a buzzword these days. People use it all the time (especially the millenials) and seem to identify with it in a way that they’re proud of and I don’t think they’re all greaters. Definitely not. So I’m curious of what the greaters are aware of. Are they more aware of the creature, are they more aware of the damage they can do if they didn’t control the fury? Are they more aware of fuel needs? Are they more aware of what type of victim they have ensnared?
It’s just so fascinating. I can’t wait to read the upcoming article.
HG do you think your brethren would use your information to up their own game?
No, they don’t know what they are so they don’t recognise it as material that would assist them to manipulate
What about the greaters? I guess they wouldn’t need your help though.
Correct
Congratulations 🎈 6 months is awesome 👏
Empath101
Congrats on 6 months! Well done. Stay strong 💪🏼
Thank you! 🙂 it has been a long journey.
I say good riddance!
This is a good reminder and something that I will read over and over when my emotional thinking starts to fool me. Thank you
Go on then. Enjoy your “power”. I do not seek or desire it Dazzler.
Ring ring, ring ring…
Hello, you money scrounging, good for nothing, shit lover. I’ve won the lottery and seeing as you left me in a crazy state, with no-one, I was wondering if you’d like to share it with me?”
Surely, Mr Tudor – he’d be on my doorstep quicker than Michael Jackson used to move his bollocks?
Oh, tonight Tudorites! (Am I allowed to call us that or just you?) Murderers and their Mothers @10pm on CBS channel 👍
I like that name!
Me too. But it also makes me feel bad for saying it. Damn conscience.