6 Seditious Smears (And How To Clean Them Up)
The smear campaign is a regular weapon in our arsenal. Deployed in order to maintain our façade and ensure that everybody thinks that you are the abuser, you are the trouble maker and that you are the Crazy One. A method of getting our retaliation in first. The smear campaigns are such that you have no idea they are being carried out until the damage is done. You may find out through a third party tipping you off about what is being said about you. You may find out because we have instructed a lieutenant to tip you off in order to allow us to draw fuel from your horrified reaction and frantic attempts to repair the damage. Naturally, we only allow the tip off to take place once we are satisfied that our smears have sunk in and taken effect. The first you may know about these smear campaigns is when you try to tell other people about our behaviour, either during the relationship or when you have sought to escape or have been discarded. You find that you are met with shaking heads, blank looks and declarations of disbelief as your protestations are regarded with scepticism and whispered comments about you having lost the plot. To come up against this wall, especially when you are often in the greatest need, distressing. This distressing is magnified when it occurs with people you thought that you could rely on. Our poison seeps everywhere.
The smear campaign is almost always used at some point when you have become entangled with our kind. There are many different kinds, but here are six which are regularly used.
- The Abuser
We like to trot out tales about how cruel and unpleasant you have been to us. Whether it is preventing us from seeing our friends, not letting us have our say, making decisions for us, hitting us, failing to attend to household chores whilst we are out working to support the household, not showing us any affection, questioning us about our movements, calling us names and so on, it will be used against you. Much of the smear campaign is based on projection as we tell everybody that you have been doing the very things that we have been doing. That way we can provide sufficient detail about the form of abuse, because we have done it ourselves, so that it is given the mantle of believability. If we furnish such detail and avoid vagueness, our lies are made all the more believable. All types of smear campaign operate on the basis of making you out to be abusive in some way. Some are specific, as you will see below, whereas this form of smear campaign is predicated on an avalanche of plausible behaviours which cover a vast spectrum of abusive actions towards us from locking us out of our own home at night because we went out with friends to tipping freezing cold water over us when sat in the bath and pretending it was a joke, from making us sleep on the floor to hiding our car keys when we needed to be somewhere. A long list of awful abuses will be detailed along with how much of a martyr we have been in trying to put up with them and make things better.
- The Philanderer/The Slut
We play the card that we are not given any affection, love or sexual gratification by the abuser but more than that you are busy engaging in frequent affairs and one night stands with other people. We have given you chances after discovering what you have been doing, because we want to get things back on track. We have given you everything and this is how we are repaid. We are heart-broken by these repeated infidelities. We will identify people of the opposite sex that you are close to and pedal lies that “there is something going on” between you and them. Those people we know who enjoy some tittle tattle will be approached first in order to give the lies some “legs” so that they will not only believe what they have been told about you and the neighbour, you and your colleague and you and the gardener, but they will spread the smear even further. Add in some casual sexual encounters we have learned about, linked to the fact you work away/work in a bar/ are friendly and out-going then the lies gain more traction.
- The Spender
We work hard each day to provide for you and all you do is sit around ordering things off the internet, going out to lunch, organising another home improvement and frittering away our hard-earned money. We make out that you are squandering the fruits of our labour by pointing to the recent purchase of some expensive shoes, conveniently leaving out that this is the first pair you have bought in two years and you saved up for them. The joint credit card which bears the hammering of our profligate spending will be attributed to you. Words such as fraud, leech and gold digger will be bandied around as we make you out to be a free loader who has taken considerable advantage of our hard-working nature and generosity.
- The Lunatic
This smear campaign will involve heart-felt explanations to medical professionals about your behaviour in order to have them say that there could be something wrong but they would need to undertake a proper diagnosis. We will take from this informal consultation the part we want to hear and then spread this around to other people.
“Yes I was concerned about her behaviour and because I care, I mentioned it to Dr Whitecoat and he told me that it would appear that she has a mental health issue. I know, it is terrible but it explains so much of her erratic behaviour. The thing is, I don’t know if she will allow herself to be treated. Of course she will insist that there is nothing wrong with her, but apparently that is what these people do, they have no insight that there is anything wrong with them.”
Sound familiar at all? We will pick on entirely innocuous behaviours of yours and magnify them so they become regarded as problematic. Idiosyncrasies will be portrayed as aberrations from normal behaviour and of course the more you try to point out that is us and not you, the crazier you appear.
- The Turncoat
In this smear campaign we actually place the focus of your horrible behaviour on not just us but other people as well. We spend our time telling other people the horrible things you have said about them behind their backs. Of course, since we are in a relationship with you, it stands to reason that what we are saying must be true, otherwise why would we make it up about the person we love. We maintain that we are telling the “victim” of your scurrilous comments so they can keep an eye out for it happening again and to be a little wiser in their engagements with you. This will be based on oral recollection, so difficult to prove, but often we will engage a lieutenant in corroborating our lies so that the recipient believes us and is too busy basking in their own indignant and annoyed reaction to test the veracity of what they are being told.
- The Addict
You have a serious problem and the time has come to tell other people about it. You enjoy the occasional flutter on the horses. You actually have a huge gambling issue which incorporates the casino, slot machines, betting on line, frequent trips to the bookmakers and even betting on which of two rain drops will trickle down the pane the fastest. You may like a drink now and again and we will turn this into full blown alcoholism, showing off pictures of the empties in the over flowing recycling bin. Those empties are ours or are the product of a weekend party but we are not going to let that get in the way of our smear. You are addicted to sex, watching porn, trying to make us do things in the bedroom that we do not want to do, demanding sex on tap and demeaning us. Your recent weight gain, although nothing significant is used against you as evidence of addiction to food, the money you waste on take away food is really starting to stack up now and the salad section in the fridge only ever stocks cream cakes these days.
How might you deal with these smear campaigns and wipe them clean from your reputation? You are never in a position to stop them before they begin because you will not know about them until they are at least up and running and unfortunately to you heartfelt and emotional protestations just work against you, give us fuel and encourage us to up the pressure against you.
- Avoid reacting to them in an emotional fashion. This starves us of fuel and may cause us to drop the campaign because it is no longer having the desired effect. Some damage has been done from it already, but you will limit that damage.
- Consider carefully who you feel the need to disavow of our lies. If you need support in the context of your escape, save your energies for addressing the lies with those that matter in terms of providing you with support. You may lose some friends, but were they really good friends to have if they were taken in by the smear campaign?
- Use any independent evidence you may have to show to people – documents, video recordings, independent witnesses and just provide this to the relevant recipient of the smear campaign for them to make up their own mind. State your side of the story, refer to the evidence and let them make their own mind up. People don’t like to be told what to do. By allowing them to reach their own conclusion as to who is telling the truth you are more likely to gain an ally again and one who will also expound your truth to others on your behalf.
- If people approach you concerning the lies and want to discuss it with you, more out of a desire to engage in salacious gossiping than know the truth, there is no point engaging in a lengthy discussion in order to persuade this person. They are not interested in the truth, only the buzz which comes from having some gossip. Raise your hand as they begin and tell them, “He has told lies and I do not want to hear any more or discuss them.” That will stop it in its tracks. You may also wish to add that the matter is in the hands of lawyers which often causes people to back off as they do not want to become embroiled in legal action.
- Don’t engage in a reverse smear campaign by talking about what we have done. This creates fuel from us and because we have got in first, it makes you look like you are only saying this because of what we have said. Concentrate on protecting your own reputation. Don’t be concerned with blackening ours.
- Adopting the above points will turn the tide so that we are left with a choice of having to expend more time and energy to maintain the smear campaign in light of your non-fuel provision and calculated approach or more likely we will see it is not working and look to concentrate on someone else rather than you.
- If the smear campaign is having adverse effects in terms of your job, your professional standing and interaction with the authorities, engage a lawyer to set the record straight. A well-drafted letter to the relevant decision-maker is often sufficient to address the matter. Don’t engage in sending threatening letters to us (unless the smear campaign is especially bad and having serious repercussions on your life and livelihood) as this provides us with fuel and also provides us with an arena for us to continue the allegations and to look to gain further traction.
- Sometimes the most appropriate way is to ignore what is being said and get on with your own life. This demonstrates you have not taken the bait which will infuriate us. You may find it uncomfortable having lies said about you, but if it is having no visible effect on you, we will move on. Third parties are usually too caught up in their own lives to have much regard for such tittle tattle for long.
Smear campaigns are usually rolled out at when you are at your lowest ebb, feeling frazzled and emotional and this is why they become so effective, but you are able to wipe the mud away and move forwards. You can learn more about dealing with this manipulation and many others in Escape: How to Beat the Narcissist available on Amazon.
US https://www.amazon.com/dp/B016P8VXQA
UK https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B016P8VXQA
36 thoughts on “6 Seditious Smears (And How To Clean Them Up)”
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I thought, that after two years, that I could be friends with one single person within his ranks. They are not so close, so I thought he might understand now. (my ex was also convicted for violence againt me last year)
I recently tried to tell this mutual friend that my ex is a narcissist. But it became very obvoius that he must be a Lieutenant, and that he was blaming me for everything bad in the relationship with my ex narc.
He told me I had been crazy, psychotic, that I was manipulative(!) (because I had kept asking his friends about his whereabouts, during the worst scilent treatments in the long devaluation period I was subjected to). He told me that I had been mentally ill(!) and that I actually was the abuser, for trying to smear my ex now. Omg!
Had it not been for your warnings regarding this, and the fact that because of your information I knew this could be the outcome, I do not know what I would do…. Of course I immediately went NC with this person, and will never fall for the temptation again, thinking that it is possible to have mutual friends. They are as blind as we used to be. I will never go against your advice again, learned my lesson. (I’ll spank myself later)
(Obvious, I meant, of course. Not obvoius. I hate my phone)
Værsågod
Dear Mr Tudor,
Do you speak swedish ?
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Nej.
Dear Mr Tudor,
Haha…. ya ya
May I ask, do you do speak any foreign languages and what ones are they?
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
I speak five languages.
HG
I knew it! You ARE in involved in International Human Rights. And that number (5) doesn’t even include Narcspeak and Word Salad.
Ha ha.
Dear Mr Tudor,
Oh wow …. I wasn’t expecting 5
(James Bond spoke fluent French, Italian, German n French and a degree in oriental languages)
You truly are amazing and a “man of mystery”
Thank you
NarcAngel,
You’re a riot 🤣
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
This post is invaluable, HG. And just in time.
I will print this 8-point list out and memorize it so that I can better handle the current narc in my life–a female colleague.
The President (and I use the word loosely) is a blatant narcissist. He acts on his emotions, not logic. He has no empathy to understand the whole picture. He has no compassion when it is needed. He does not have the patience to read – even daily security briefs. (Russia if you’re listening- Stop) He spends most of his time watching TV and posting vindictive comments on Twitter. He is childish. He is not diplomatic, having offended most of our allies. He has stated his admiration for dictators and believes they like him back. He seems to view reality as if it’s a reality TV show. He enjoys campaigning because he gets to sling mud and tout himself. He acts on pure unrestrained childish emotion. Narcissism is highly emotional, not logical. They’re not Dr. Spock -emotionless and all logic. Everything they do is based on absorbing others emotions and reacting emotionally to what others have said or done.
Note: Please don’t be offended- I’m using the President as an example of how narcissist’s are highly emotional not logical.
Kel
Do you think Trump being an Upper Lesser may have more bearing on his being more highly emotional and less logical?
NA, why upper lesser? I thought lessers were uneducated and given to violence. I would have guessed midrange due to his position he would only run for president if it became necessary to save the country. Clearly not upper mid as he has little restraint and calculation when provoked. I’m not yet proficient at identifying narcissist types accurately and would appreciate further insight on your evaluation. Thanks.
FYC
If I’m not mistaken (and I could be) I believe that was HG’s assessment. Have you read his article A Very POTUS?
No. I will take a look. Thank you, NA.
He has money and has made more money because he came from money. He’s a bull in a china shop and a complete joke. He’s not exceptionally bright. He’s the kind of guy HG has referred to as “put up with” at the country club because his check is good.
FYC,
I have two kids from two different Narcissist. I really wish I could share evidence here on Narcite to make a presentation of the different kinds of narcissist in my life. I’ll give an example though. My daughters father is an Upper Lesser like Trump. He has money. Some of it he has worked for, but a lot of it he bullied people or taken from them. When I first started reading, I thought he was a Greater. He actually sounds like a Lower Greater on purpose, but I’ll give you a situation which showcases his Lesserness:
We are in protracted custody battle for our daughter. It has been going on for 2+years. He has an attorney who is also a narcissist. She told him to call the police any time he is having issues with me, so they they could have the police document the incident with a report to use in court. Here’s what sets him aside from a Midranger and Greater. HE BASICALLY CALLS THE POLICE ON HIMSELF. He will call the police to report something like child neglect or custodial interference. When he starts to explain to the police what happened, they inform him that what he is reporting is not even close to the crime he is trying to report. Then comes the raging, and talking over the police officer. The police officers then tell him that they need to call me to notify that he is making a report on me. My ex will then verbally assault the police officers. He will tell them they are incompetent, idiots, morons, etc. The police put all of this in the reports that the narcissist tried to create against me. This isn’t something that would come from a Greater or Midranger. Like Trump, my ex has people who enable him.
I’m so sorry you have this to deal with. Fortunately my soon to be former spouse is (so far) too lazy to express a wish to “parent” full time. He just embarrasses himself with an ongoing victim persona.. He’s too much of a coward (middle mid..) to tell police they are morons or any such shenanigans. The break down in sub-types is HG’s genius and the distinctions are important.
Yes, Claire. I agree
Hello Anm, Thank you so much for sharing that—I can’t imagine the crazy hell you have been through. I’m so sorry you have been subjected to his awful behavior and for so long. My heart goes out to you and your children. You need never share personal details that would cause a risk to your anonymity—I believe you and want you to remain safe.
Your explanation was very helpful and illuminating. I read the post “A Very POTUS” last night and found it extremely accurate and interesting, but it did not provide an actual level of narcissist. Your description, coupled with HG’s point that Twitter is his preferred weapon make a better fit for lesser. I had thought his delusions of grandeur (that he believes he is meant to save the country) were more lower mid, but such delusions of over importance might exist in all levels. His lack of control and slip of facade management when triggered fits too (since you point out it can exist without physical violence). I’m still learning.
Anm, thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I hope that you are free of your abusive lesser very soon.
FYC
I’m sorry for the confusion. I believe HG addressed Trump’s label in a post separate from the POTUS article, but I did want to point you to the extensive study that he provided in that article. When in doubt ask I say, so……
HG
Is Trump an Upper Lesser or am I mistaken?
He’s an Upper Lesser.
HG
Thank you for the confirmation of Upper Lesser. I did look but could not locate the comment for FYC.
Hello NA, certainly no need to apologize! I was grateful for your reference and the interesting read. I’ve been here a bit over 5 months and not come close to mastering typing. I have not read everything written here, but a good amount. I understand the concepts, but my difficulty is, some of the traits or behaviors described can be present in other schools and cadres—not so absolute. So fine tuning becomes a challenge. I would like to learn more so I can readily recognize what I’m dealing with in life. It is easy (after studying HG’s works) to spot narcissistic behavior, and most narcissists, but typing takes more information, insight and time to dial in to their precise type. I’m making progress. I asked you because you are more experienced in this area. I hope you didn’t mind. Thanks again for your help!
FYC,
I’m past the point of anonymity. I do not post a out my experiences on social media or try to expose the narcissist. But I also dont protect the narcissist. This site is appropriate to share for me.
Thank you, HG for the confirmation. Thank you all for the useful lesson!
You are welcome.
NA
Trump was the easiest reference I could think of to use as an example. He is a knee jerk reactor who does things before thinking, mid’s and greater’s are more graceful, but they all react one way or another. They all can have knee jerk reactions when challenged, wounded or embarrassed. Their facade is supported by theirs and others emotions. All they do is harvest emotions and react to others. They feel emotions constantly, they protect themselves from them. Their agendas are steered by their emotional needs. They aren’t emotionless people. They are full of emotions. Their logic is guided by their emotional needs. Their logic is – that manager gives me fuel/not that managers not producing for the company, for example. Their logic is self serving, and that’s not Dr Spock logic, that’s emotional needs logic.
(Hopefully I didn’t respond a hundred times, the comment box kept disappearing!)
HG,
Are these only used against the IPPS? Would a SIPSS be included if they were disengaged from?
Smearing can occur to any appliance but is used mainly against the IPPS.
I enjoy reading your blog very much. It has helped me immensely in my healing after having been discarded recently. As I am reading post after post I ask myself: “how does he know what I was going through?” It’s so eerie, that you seem to be describing my relationship word for word. I read in amazement at times. Thank you so much.
You are welcome Jacqueline.
I just adore you. I feel like a pig in the mud but it’s kinda funny now because you made it okay. Time to create a new disorder. This one is starting to make me yawn.
Someone is seizing the power! 😘🙃