The narcissist in your life may have turned to you and said,
“You are the one true constant in my life,” or words to that effect. Of course, when this sentence was said to you with faux sincerity shining in our eyes it was intended as another love bomb that rained down on you from up on high. What we were actually doing was engaging in a rare moment of truth.
We require a constant in our lives for a variety of reasons. To begin with it is because when we are seducing you, you provide us with all that delicious positive fuel and we cannot get enough of it. You are shiny and sparkling and that fuel tastes so glorious. We want to be with you all of the time to drink deep of your fuel but also to ensure that you become addicted to us as we love bomb you. We want you constantly with us so that you are exposed all the time to our charm, our wit and our affection so that as we drink up your fuel, you become addicted to the euphoria you feel by being with someone so wonderful as us. We also want you constantly by our side to isolate you from anyone who may just have the knowledge and temerity to shatter the fantasy world that we have created so you wriggle free from our grip. After expending time and energy in trapping you and clamping our jaws around you, the last thing we want is for you to be able to escape us.
Inevitably you let us down and your supply of positive fuel lessens in quality and quantity. Your dereliction of duty means we must draw fuel from other appliances. A normal and healthy person might think that if a person tires of the other in the relationship one might look at ways of rekindling what first drew those people together. Well, you know what? We do that, only we do it in our skewed manner. We have no interest in working at the relationship, that requires too much effort. We will however rekindle the golden period in order to enable our vacillating between devaluing and idealising to have the maximum effect. You may also consider that if someone no longer has any interest in the other person in the relationship and especially if that person is looking elsewhere then he or she would do the decent thing and end the relationship and move on. Not us. We need you. You might question why that should be the case since if we are treating you so badly, why on earth would we want to remain with you? If we are committing acts of infidelity with other people, why do we remain in a relationship with you? The answer is because we need a constant appliance. You are that constant appliance. We have decided that you would supply us with delicious positive fuel and although you would let us down and reduce that supply, we could keep you around as we drew negative fuel from you. You are the mainstay. There is no logic to us in having a relationship then ending it and moving on to another person some time later. That would not provide us with enough fuel, nowhere near enough. We need someone who will always be there so that he or she:-
- Provides positive fuel to being with;
- Provides negative fuel thereafter;
- Represents a good return on our investment (we are not going to throw away such an asset that readily);
- As a constant enables us to use others in our manipulation to draw more fuel from the constant and the other people (triangulation, smear campaigns and so on)
8 thoughts on “Constant Companion”
Dearest HG: What does it mean when the Mid ranger tells you: You have saved my life so many times… I was confused by this, and it was unlike him, so I was afraid to ask him what he meant, because at this point in our interactions, 2 years in, I had realized that he did not really answer questions, but I had not understood at that point about gas-lighting and word salad, etc. I had only ever asked him one question before that, and did not understand his answer, so I never really asked him anything again much (good for me, I know now). So I did not know what to say, and could not formulate a question, as he stared at me, so I mumbled, you saved my life so many times as well. It was weird.
It is an overly-dramatic way of conveying apparent appreciation but it is designed to bind you to the MRN and provide fuel.
I’m both curious and don’t understand. You were afraid to ask him what he meant because you had asked him one question previously and did not understand his answer. Can you express what it is you thought would happen if you asked? For example: Did you think the relationship was fragile and it would threaten it to question things? Did you fear he would become angry? Can you remember what the fear was?
Narc Angel. About 2 1/2 years into my interactions with him, one day I noticed that he would barely look at me and talked to me in clipped sentences one day. It bothered me. So at the end of the day, I asked him if he were upset with me about something. He replied that he was not upset with anyone. I turned that word over in my mind: anyone. So I then said, I am not asking you about anyone, I am asking you if you are upset with me in particular, and I rather ask you than imagine something that is incorrect, since you told me I could always ask you anything… He just looked off, and mumbled no, or something like that. So, I did not push it, but I never asked him again when he seemed off or if I felt he ignored me or whatever. It was devaluation and a subtle silent treatment, I know now. It was the beginning of the end for me in fantasizing about him. . I saw the mask slip a bit. This is right after he told me one day that he knew that I loved him and that I would never hurt him. I never answered him that statement while he stared at me. But, I thought the word “hurt“ was sort of odd. My Golden Period of a NIPSS was going to Tin. It hurt. So when he said that I saved his life many times, I did not want to ask for 2 reasons. One, I was afraid of some strange answer or mumbling that would get me nowhere again, and two, I was afraid of some words of gratitude for some things I did and had done for him. I wanted, ideally, his love and friendship and passion, not any feelings of gratitude or obligation that could easily lead to him having a grudge against me in the future. That is why I said, while he stared intently at me, you saved my life many times as well. Meaning, you do not owe me anything for anything that I have done for you, that may have helped you so much We are thus even.
Thank you for expanding.
PSE, it sounds like deep down you “knew.”
Of course, you did not know what you knew, but you knew.
It’s the reason why you (and each of us) searched and finally found HG Tudor, the man behind the curtain—the one who knows the machinations, the one who can articulate and clarify what you knew the whole time.
Lisk. I did not actually know. I mean, I could guess… I did some things for him and never told him about it. I wrote him up well on the internet. I gave detailed and good reviews on him and never told him. And other things. Did he find out over time, and just never mentioned it? maybe. I never needed him to mention it. I would be happy if he knew. But, it was not necessary for me. So, I did not need him to mention any of it. Like I was a guardian angel. But, I had his back at all times, and never told him. I did bring him food/snacks a lot, but what he said was more mysterious than that. He is quite popular and lots of people do things for him and would help him with things in a moments notice. Was it my admiration, support, loyalty, dependability, popularity, and honesty etc. all directed to him from me? And some days he really needed that? Characteristics and residual benefits, like HG discusses? Who knows. It had been a long and grueling day, and we were leaving. I was tired and so was he. It was sort of a confessional. Addressing the fuel, I believe is correct. Acknowledging that I was a worthwhile appliance/object. And, it was largely a binder, like HG said: I have to agree with that the absolute most. And of course, it worked. But, I have been disengaging from him for a few months now. On schedule.
I have experienced being the constant of my narcissist for a decade. Now after my reflection experiment I understand what I was getting from myself. And how he rose through obtaining the negative fuel. I truly understand his need for fuel to commit these atrocities. Although I still try to imagine it, the narcissist’s level of self-esteem must be below zero to commit such an atrocity. I understand it even though I don’t share it. To be able to take a human being to such levels of inferiority, humiliation, denigration, can only be because their levels of self-esteem are non-existent. Your super ego, devaluing must be tremendously malignant. To get to consume in a day all the positive or negative fuel you get. The average person could live for years or even decades on a single day of positive fuel.