Surely That’s The End. Yes?
“I have not heard from him in a month, he has moved on hasn’t he?”
“I exposed what she is like to all of her family, she won’t be contacting me again that’s for sure.”
“I told him I know what he is and he disappeared so I doubt I will hear from him again.”
“He is with somebody else already so I guess he won’t want me again will he?”
“I told him what I thought of him and he just backed off. He won’t hoover me will he?”
“He came crying back to me and I gave him short shrift. I doubt he will bother again.”
There are many different scenarios and outcomes involving our kind where the victim considers that our kind will not bother with them again post discard or post escape. The victim thinks that a period of total silence, the involvement of the narcissist with a new victim, the manner in which the relationship ended will all mean that the narcissist will not come sniffing around the victim ever again.
Why is this the case?
Firstly, you must understand our perspective. You belong to us. You are our appliance. You are our property. The Formal Relationship between us may have ended but the Narcissistic Relationship is forever. It only ends when either you or I cease to draw breath. It does not matter that we enter into a new Formal Relationship with somebody else. It does not matter if you do. It does not matter that world war three erupted when we parted company. It does not matter if there has been complete silence for two years. None of these factors alter the fact that in our minds the connection between you and I because of the Narcissistic Relationship lasts until one of us dies.
Secondly, the attraction of gathering fuel from you is substantial and this is the prime driver for never letting go. Fuel is so important to us that it drives everything about behaviour and the link between you and I is no exception to the all-pervasive power of fuel.
Thirdly, factors such as new partners, the effluxion of time and the manner in which the Formal Relationship has ended are immaterial.
I am repeatedly asked by people whether a hoover will happen. I always answer the same; the risk always remains, but you can manage that risk. People set out the circumstances of the end of the Formal Relationship to me and what has happened since (if anything) and ask whether a hoover will happen, or express their view that they do not think it will happen because of a, b or c. My answer again is the same; the risk of us returning always remains, but you can manage that risk.
It is never the end. There is always a risk, a chance, a probability (or a possibility) that we will return to you and apply a hoover. You cannot assume that it is over. No matter how much it may seem that it is over, no matter how much it may appear to you that we will not come back, that we apparently have no reason to do so, such assumptions are dangerous. There are only two factors which are material to the issue of whether you will be hoovered again.
The first factor is the Hoover Trigger. For a hoover to happen potentially, it must first be triggered. This means that you must come into our sights, that we sniff the prospective fuel that leaks from you, that something happens to cause you to come up on our radar. Whether this happens depends on whether you enter one of the six spheres of influence. I have written separately about them in The Spheres of Influence (And What You Can Do About Them) in another article. I will not repeat its content other than to state that
- You have control over whether you enter any of the first five spheres of influence; and
- You have no control over whether you enter the sixth sphere of influence.
By staying away from us through no contact you will not enter the first five spheres. The sixth sphere is when we happen to think of you. Thus, if you have successfully implemented no contact the only risk of a trigger being activated is if we happen to think of you. You cannot influence that. Our preoccupation with your replacement means we are far less likely to think of you and hoovers are triggered by you doing something to enter the first five spheres, such as messaging us or passing where we live.
If you maintain no contact the first five spheres will not be entered. It then just depends on whether we happen to think of you. This may not happen for weeks or months. You can therefore see that by staying out of the first five spheres you will vastly reduce the risk of a Hoover Trigger being activated but you cannot state that it will never happen as it is reliant on if we happen to think of you. That may just be a random occurrence or it might be because we see something that reminds us of you.
The second factor is only applicable if the Hoover Trigger has been activated. The second factor is concerns the Hoover Criteria. These criteria include such matters as: –
– Whether you are a potent source of fuel;
– Whether you can easily be located;
– Whether you can easily be contacted;
– Whether you have your defences maintained concerning us;
– Whether you remain mired in the emotional sea;
– What support networks you have in place;
– How well fuelled we are;
– The nature of the narcissist who you entangled with (Lesser, Mid-Range or Greater); and
– Potential obstacles
All of these matters combine to determine whether it is worthwhile us expending our energy to act on the Hoover Trigger. If we are presented with a sitting target, flowing with fuel, caught in the emotional sea, isolated and exposed then the criteria point heavily to the fact that a hoover will now take place. If on the other hand it is very hard to contact you, we know you have stopped flowing with fuel when dealing with us, you have people who will stop us trying to reach you and so forth, you become a Flawed Reason to Extract Emotion (F.R.E.E.).
For a worked example of how this can happen if someone enters the first sphere of influence I recommend that you read the article Hoover Time! Sphere One.
Accordingly, if you can do everything possible to become a F.R.E.E. then even if Hoover Trigger is activated then the chances of us executing that hoover will be considerably reduced. By contrast, if you fail to attain becoming a F.R.E.E. then you run the risk of a hoover being executed.
You will note that in the hoover criteria above there is no mention of the gap between when we last contacted you and the current time. There is no mention of the circumstances in which we parted company as the Formal Relationship. There is no mention of you knowing what we are, whether you told us, whether you exposed our abuses to others. Those are not factors which concern us. The existence of a new partner is not relevant either in isolation, but is only a partial consideration in terms of whether that person might stop us. Of course even if they might do so and all the other factors point to the execution of a hoover, this one criterion has diminished relevance.
Accordingly, when you are asking yourself whether a hoover may happen. Remember this.
- You can never say never.
- There needs to be a Hoover Trigger. You can significantly influence whether there is one and reduce the risk but you cannot remove it.
- The Hoover Criteria need to be met. Again, you can significantly influence whether the criteria are met by becoming a F.R.E.E. and reduce the risk, but you cannot remove it.
The issue of whether you will experience a hoover is not completely in your hands, but is far more within your control than you might at first have thought.
It is never the end but you are not helpless.
16 thoughts on “Surely That’s The End. Yes?”
Three weeks ago I received a text on messenger. My heart started pounding really fast when I saw from whom and I read the first lines that appeared on the screen. It was from nex who I was intimately involved with for some time and who moved back to Australia 13 years ago. It took me long time to get over him.
“I’m over here for a week if you free to catch up”. The next day “ In Windsor tonight…etc” and another text day after…I was very tempted but I did not open and did not reply to any of his messages as well as to his repeated FB and IG requests.
I went on holiday. When I returned he started texting me again.” Hey you “… another day “ I can’t believe you didn’t say hi…” “ Are you ignoring me or something “ …etc.
I eventually sent him a short and polite msg in the hope to stop this saying “ I’m sorry I didn’t manage to meet up with you but I was going away with my boys and I had a million things to organize for the trip. I hope you enjoyed your stay in the UK”.
I remember he told me once “ You have never said NO to me “.
Well , it took me a while but there you go.
Hg, if a guy is a handsome 37 year old real estate broker and the owner of 4 separate restaurants who has never been married how likely is he to be one of your kind? I know you can’t say with certainty but even a rough guess from you would be very helpful. Would you say the likelihood of him being a narc is
A) less than 50 percent
B) about 50 percent
C) anywhere from 50 to 80 percent
D) more than 80 percent likely
I say use the Narc Detector Consultation and have a 100 per cent chance of knowing one way or the other.
I suspected a man I was involved with is a narcissist and so stumbled upon your site about a week ago. Ive been reading alot of your articles. They are a godsend, but I wish to read your books also. In googling your works I am overwhelmed and dont know where I should begin.
I suspect he is a MRN. I suspect I am a SE. We’ve actually known each other since childhood, just not well. He was the nicest boy and seemed very much the same, until he asked me out. He got real funky real fast. I stopped responding before we even saw each other in person. Phone sex and ghosting, back and forth. And everything was always so extreme with him.
I want to make sure I’m left alone, but we’ve known each other for decades, have tons of mutual friends, and our state is a small one. I would so appreciate if you could direct my reading.
Thank you so much.
Welcome MK. I recommend you undertake a Narc Detector Consultation. Read Fuel, Fury, Sex and the Narcissist, Manipulated and The Devil’s Toolkit to start.
Dear HG, if former IPPS/IPSS a year post disegagement deletes her online public convos with her Nex and he notices it – is it a fuel or will it cause a wounding or would it be totally neutral?
Well, I would like to delete our online convos (it is public so everybody could read it). I don’t like having it on my profile, it feels like everpresence to me. In these convos we were fliting with each other and so on. I would like to delete it so it will disseapear forever.
But I don’t want to give him any fuel by this act and that’s why I am asking.
In a way the narc helps us to prepare to leave with his silent treatments and apathy. We lose the connection and we’re pulled farther apart, stretched thin. It’s just the final move that needs to be undertaken. Most of us are already gone.
Kelly you are so right in what you just wrote. With each hurt, manipulation, triangulation, word salad, silent treatments, and the disappearing acts we go through that connection becomes weaker and weaker, until it is no more.
You write the story.
My suggestion is this after the process of purging HG’s hand.
You don’t know girls, what rest, relaxation and summer 2019.
I’m even brown and it’s not even summer anymore.
It’s something else, it’s another world, it’s absolute liberation. How happy I am of these 6 months of intensive Tudor.
Today I was driving home and I saw my narcissist, he was talking on his mobile phone. Really this somatic narcissist is in decadence, I have looked at him and a little more and I have retinal detachment. hahahaha. I don’t know how I was in my youth. I guess it was the crazy hormones, and we are all fine at 20. 45 is not the same. On the other hand, everyone tells me that I’ve taken 20 years off my hands. Thanks to my slimming diabetes, which I control with exercise, walking and healthy living. A woman of the 21st century.
Dear Mr Tudor,
Mr Bubbles and I would be extremely surprised if we heard from the cowardly “weasel” ever again
He’s not met anyone like me before
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
What detector test do you recommend for those of us who have no idea where we fit? Thanks HG
Empath, if you mean with regard to what you are.