The Sense of Loss


People always struggle with loss. It might be at the top of the scale where you have suffered a bereavement and lost a well-loved family member. It could be the loss of your home where you have lived for twenty years, owing to damage or repossession. It may be the loss of your job, a loss of good health all the way down to something far less important but a loss never the same, of your favourite restaurant when it closes or your daily caffeine injection from a coffee shop because you are economising. Take something away from someone and they will experience sadness, frustration, upset, anger and sometimes confusion. Since people are governed by emotions rather than cool, hard logic, the loss of something often has a devastating and traumatic effect, especially in respect of major losses such as a spouse or partner. Once upon  a time your parents seemed as if they would live forever. They were always there. They raised you, guided you and supported you. They let you find your own way through life but if ever you needed them they were always there to listen and help and then one day you find they have gone and you are left with a huge black hole in your life. Your best friend who you have known for over twenty-five years was a huge part of your life. You spoke daily, laughed about your younger selves and the scrapes you got into, supported one another and cruised through life like the dynamic duo until they have gone and you feel a massive void since their departure to the next life or another continent, dependent on the circumstances. Remove something from a person’s life and they are left with hurt, despondency and despair. This is all the more so when it is something or someone wonderful and delightful. Then the emptiness becomes a howling wilderness.

Of course we are fully aware of how loss affects people from our repeated study of people. We also know that being able to gift someone something wonderful and then remove it, is a sign of considerable power. A power that can be wielded with considerable effects. The power of withdrawal, even if just threatened, can bring about an extreme reaction in the subject. This is something we are fully aware of and something which we take advantage of.

We gave you everything in the beginning. We provided you with a love beyond compare, a dizzying array of compliments, a barrage of desire and a tsunami of flattery. We raised you up, higher and higher and sprayed you with affection, passion and generosity. The light was bright, warm and golden and we let it shine every day just for you. We allowed you to bask in this golden period of utter ecstasy and in return you gave us everything that you had in pursuit of the maintenance of this golden period. Without warning we withdrew it. The door was closed and the shutters lowered and once where you had walked happily and freely you too found yourself transported to the howling wilderness where you stood alone beneath grey, leaden skies as a cold and unforgiving wind whipped around you. It felt like someone had died.

Whereas once we uttered such sweet, sweet words to you, there is now only silence. The reassuring embrace of our arms and lips has somehow vanished and you feel stripped and vulnerable. All of the places we took you to and shared seem so distant and you begin to wonder whether they really happened. Alone and distraught,you wander this wilderness searching for us. Occasionally you catch a glimpse of us but in an instant we have disappeared as you stumble along. The kindness has been removed. The long nights of sexual congress which went beyond anything you have experienced before has been taken away, leaving your bed a cold,hard slab where rest is to be endured rather than enjoyed. If we even grace you with our presence in that place where we once coupled each and every night, a writhing mass of limbs and mouths that explored and pleasured, all you know now is our back which is defiantly presented to you each night. That’s if we even come to bed at all. The spare room or the sofa seem to attract us more than you these days.

We know that taking away this passion, desire, interest, largesse and kindness is like a hammer blow. It is as if we have died but yet you can still see us, touch us and hear us which makes the sense of loss even greater and all the more confusing. Like a pet-owner dangling a bone in front of a salivating puppy, we occasionally open the shutters and allow the golden period to return and the joy and the relief which washes over you at the restoration of his oh most glorious time is electrifying and so is the extent of your gratitude and delight. Yet it is ephemeral. It is like a wonderful dream that has transported you away from all the hurt and misery, but just like a dream when you open your eyes in the morning, it has gone.

The power that comes with withdrawal and your predictable reaction to it, mean that it is a method of manipulation that cannot be ignored. To bestow and then deny has you caught in the strings of our puppetry as we jerk you back and forth between granting those things that you desire the most and then taking them away from you. Your reactions and the control this grants us means that it is so simple yet so effective and something we can never withdraw from doing.

15 thoughts on “The Sense of Loss

  1. Dmd says:

    What about your kind hg? Loss is truly no more than a loss of fuel of some kind, no more….. even the loss of a parent let’s say? Wouldn’t be anymore than the loss of fuel?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Loss of character traits and residual benefits too.

      1. alexissmith2016 says:

        so a mid, will feel ‘a sense of loss’ if a parent died, for example if that parent is now no longer able to look after their children?

        No real grief, but they would believe that what they’re experiencing is grief.

        Is that fair to say?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You’ve got it.

  2. Chihuahuamum says:

    Unrelated…but i noticed HG your instagram is private now. I cant follow for privacy reasons. I hope you open it back to public again i really enjoyed seeing the posts.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Or you can follow and see it just as easily.

      1. Chihuahuamum says:

        Im not able to follow for privacy reasons.

        1. Bubbles 🍾 says:

          Dear Chihuahuamum,
          Same here ….for privacy
          Perhaps Facebook has “banned” Mr Tudor… they’re on a mission ATM … free speech, nudity (hands), photos of churches and parks, piccies of meals n drinks, airports n buildings ( security) the sea (underwater activity) , statues (political) ….. the list is endless
          Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          1. HG Tudor says:

            No ban.

        2. amanda SNapchat says:

          I am on the same boat. Not everyone can afford to publicly share that they know about narcs.

          1. Chihuahuamum says:

            Hi amanda…im pretty new to IG but i do know your follow list is visible and when you have to leave your IG open anyone including trolls can follow you back to your page. I followed but never clicked on follow so that was a more private option.
            I guess HG has his reasons for going private.

        3. Katebd19 says:

          Same happens to me. Not able to follow. I submitted you a follow request

  3. Dearest HG: It seems to me that children may naturally have a happy nature. And when the Narcissist`s joy was destroyed during childhood, It was manipulated….and thus never stable, and no one avenged the child for this, so for justice, the narcissist must take joy away from others, because that is now familiar, to the Narcissist. And he feels justice is established. But, not satisfactorily. The way things work is to take joy away, from where it is found, from his own experience. But, the people are never the original culprits. So satisfaction or justice is still never accomplished. The Familiarity brings contempt. Habits develops. But, the people are all wrong, so the mission is never accomplished. It just becomes a familiar habit. Even many people on here, as much as they say they hate their experience with the Narcissist, go on and say a normal person would bore them now. So this cycle is going to be tough to stop. Familiarity and contempt. On both sides. This problem is going to increase. Exponentially. And, will just be fun and something to joke about for the sadistic on both sides of the divide. The sadistic narcissists and the sadistic `empaths.` The sadistic `empaths` are in fact a prototype of those who abused the child. The Narcissist befriends them, as if he could thus go back in time and befriend his traumatizers, who were sadistic, and stop what happened. But, the sadistic `empath` is making the Narcissist more hopeless and weakens his ability to carefully make the necessary changes that will make his life even better. Because the sadistic `empaths` are in effect, still molesting and traumatizing him and taking his power from him, furtively, for their own `fuel.` But, it feels familiar to him. So he can not see it. Or does not want to. Or does not care any longer. They won, he feels. Yikes! We

    1. PrincessSuperEmpath says:

      Dearest HG: We (continued from above) all are paying. The Narcissist had to focus on the behaviour of those that traumatized him more than on the behaviour of those that did not, because the child is in survival mode. And now as an adult, the Narcissist does the same. For example, if the child had a sadistic Narcissistic mother, he will befriend sadistic women in his adult life to attempt to befriend his mother this time around. However this woman is not his mother and is bad for him. However, she feels familiar, so he feels comfortable with the malice. But, she will increase his pathos. Like the infamous true story and resulting book, In Cold Blood, about the callous and calculated murder of the Cutter family, the psychiatrists came to the determination, that individually, the 2 killers would not have committed that crime. But together, thew were bad company. A bad influence on each other. The Narcissists` lieutenants are bullies and sadistic. They make him worse. He fills ill when I am not around. I just was `hoovered` by my friend at work by text. I have not been around them for at least 5 weeks. She told me he is out sick.

  4. Caron says:

    I’m so sorry for you. When you take it away from us, you take it away from yourself as well. It may be fake for you, but it is real for us. Our half of it. Our part. It’s real. You have something real, and then you destroy it to feel real. It’s such a shame.

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