5 False Promises

Words are our tools. They come readily to us and we much prefer them over actions as they use so little energy. We have no sense of guilt, remorse or conscience that we are easily able to make promises with no intention of ever keeping them. You on the other hand hate to break a promise and we know that your adherence to this means that the effect our broken promises is significant against you and will allow us to draw fuel. You will be familiar with the nature of the broken promises if you have danced with our kind already but you may not know what we actually mean when we say certain supposed promises to you. If this dance is new to you, not only will you not know what is being really meant when we whisper these words to you, but you may not realise that this promise will not be kept. Here are five of the most-used promises we issue, that we always break and this is what we really mean when we say them.

  1. I will always love you

I know that you love to hear such bold proclamations because they appeal to you as a love devotee. Indeed, you have been conditioned to believe strongly in the concept of love. I won’t always love you, in fact I will not even begin by loving you because I am incapable of feeling what you know to be love since it has been denied to me as an option. I understand what love is to you however because I am surrounded by people like you telling me what it means and it appears in books, on the television, on the internet, in films and advertisements. It is easy to understand what love means to you but impossible for me to feel it and therefore I can never love you. What I mean when I tell you this is that I am telling you what you want to hear so you will remain with me and provide me with the fuel that I crave. I am telling you that I will actually always want you so long as you give me what I need. My desire to be with you is entirely conditional on you furnishing me with fuel.

  1. I will repay you

I will borrow money from you because of my sense of entitlement since either I have none and I want yours or I have plenty and I still want yours. If I have no money I need it and therefore I will want to borrow it from you. I will of course promise to repay you in order to induce you to lend it to me in the first place. I will then make repeated promises to pay you: –

“I am a little short this month, I will have it for you next month.”

“I am due a bonus in two months so I will pay you from that then.”

“I had an emergency and had to use the money for that.”

“I am not able to work at present but since you love me you won’t mind waiting will you?”

“If you really loved me, you would not ask for it back.”

Those of our kind who lack financial resources want the money for obvious reasons but also in order to strengthen the link between them and you, so that you have reason to remain in contact with them and to allow them to trot out excuses and reasons which will eventually provoke you through exasperation, frustration, irritation and upset.

Those of our kind who have ample financial resources do not have any intention of making repayment. Instead we use this borrowing of the money as a bridge between you and I and as above it is all about keeping a hook into you.

When we promise to repay you, we will not do so. What we are telling you is that we want to create a method of ensuring you are connected to us and able to draw fuel from you.

  1. I won’t hurt you

Of all the broken promises this is perhaps the one which does the most damage. We are actually telling you this: –

“I won’t hurt you as long as you comply with what I want.”

It just so happens that we always omit the last nine words. We regard you as our appliance, an extension of our will and you are expected to do what we want. Provide potent positive fuel, succumb to our demands, run around after us, say yes when we want yes and no when we want no but you must guess which is correct. We want you obedient, compliant and submissive. Navigate your way through this maze successfully and you will not be hurt. Unfortunately, for you nobody is ever able to do this because you will always have to be hurt because we want fuel. You have to be hurt because no matter how hard you try you will always cause a criticism which will wound us and therefore we have to defend ourselves by lashing out and hurting you. You have to be hurt because there are even those of our kind, the malignant and the greater who delight in doing so.

The hurt will always visit you somehow.

  1. I will be faithful

We cannot be faithful. We need fuel too much. Although most of it will come from you we need it from other sources as well and this will result in our infidelity. Infidelity comes in many forms, just as fuel does. To some it may be sharing long and intimate conversations, to others it is a kiss, to others it is sexual touching and to others it is full blown sexual intercourse. Our desire for fuel combined with our massive sense of entitlement and our failure to recognise boundaries means that we will be unfaithful. Add to that our lack of accountability, our failure to feel guilt or remorse and you stand no chance of ever ensuring that we remain faithful.

We say this because you want to hear it. This is most often used after we have been exposed as committing an act or acts of infidelity and we are concerned that you will leave us and thus take away our primary source of fuel when we have not secured a replacement yet. We will pledge that we will be faithful moving forward in an attempt to prevent you from causing a cessation to our supply of fuel. These are empty words. We will be unfaithful within the week, maybe not even that long, just so long as uttering such a promise stops you from going.

  1. I will change

No I won’t. Even if I could, which is highly unlikely, why should I when there is nothing wrong with me. Everything I do is necessary to ensure my survival and my remaining elevated and superior. Just because you and others do not like the way that I behave does not mean that I have to alter what I am. I know however that you love to think that we can be cured of whatever ill it is that we suffer from. You want us to become better and different and naturally if this means we can get you to stay, do what we want and keep providing us with fuel we are content to tell you that we will change. We are experts at adopting false expressions of contrition as well to accompany this empty promise.

This vacant promise actually means

“I will carry on doing what I am doing and nobody will ever stop me.”




  1. Hello to foolme and K..
    I sent replies to your comments but I think they have disappeared.

    Thank you for your words and kindness to reply. Made me smile. We have a great little tribe here!


  2. The hard thing for my friends/family to often realize (and me too—although under your guidance it’s improving) is that narcissists are rather canny emotional thieves. For instance, one could easily surmise a “thief” goes in a store and steals all they can carry. So, after illustrations of my spouse to those close to me it is easy and natural for them to assume he does the worst things all the time—the “all he can carry” mentality. It’s not that way. At all. Narcissists take little bites more typically and it’s hard to see as the impact is more insidious. A pair of earrings at a time. A skirt. These false promises among other attributes aren’t all at once even when the “opportunity” is there. It confuses people terribly.

    1. Awwww thank you Foolme!
      It’s been going on for an embarrassing 4 years. I did a year no contact then he came back on the scene.
      At first I believed him, that he was sorry but within 24 hours things were up and down and the games were on. 2 weeks of hell.

      I cut him off, but I was a mess. I used to read a lot online, articles about hot and cold and silent treatments. I came across narcsite, and it was all I needed to finally realise what was going on. It was the biggest relief. And my fav thing was often to read the comments below the posts.

      It gave me a sense of safety and belonging. Because it wasn’t just me. I wasn’t alone. Plus the information about fuel, about the devaluation – it all began to piece together.

      I implemented a new no contact but I changed everything- closed my email, got a new provider and new number. I’d also moved, which he didn’t know about and I shut down social media too.

      It was necessary and so final. And after a time, I felt peace. Because it was over and I’d denied him access to me.

      Thank you for your words. Thank you for replying I wish you everything peaceful and happiness too. We are blessed to know what we know!

      I still read a lot here, it’s therapeutic. Vigilant! That’s how we learn to be. But life is better on all fronts. Happiness to you xxx 💫💜

  3. Hello HG and fellow tudorites!!

    I loved this post. Simple but powerful reminder of why you can never go back. The words can be so powerfully addictive. So beautiful to hear. But they are meaningless. A merry go round of false promises, hope and pain.

    I love the ‘red flag and black flag’ books too.

    It’s almost a year since full no contact. Nothing. I wake up with peace now and I’m happy again. Thank you to you all. This place is a true haven. And I’m especially grateful to it’s owner – the one and only HG Tudor!

    All the reminders help.

    Thank you for this one, today.

    Namaste x

    1. Hello Laurel!
      Welcome, this place really is a true haven. It is wonderful to read that your NC is working and you are happy again.


        1. My pleasure Lorelle Calder!
          This is a very unique community and most of the people here speak empathy fluently.
          Love to you, too

    2. It’s a haven from which we are benighted from the emotional web of puzzling entanglements!

    3. Congratulations, Laurel! You are my inspiration, I’m close to one year and can’t wait for it! It makes me happy to read your words, you sound so relaxed and in peace.

Vent Your Spleen!

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