Have You Seen Who He Is With?



You have been discarded in an unceremonious fashion. If that was not bad enough, word has reached you (naturally purposefully sent your way by our obliging lieutenants) that we have hooked up with someone else. You haven’t even had time to stagger up from the brutal dumping by the wayside that you have suffered and we have already invited someone else into our bed. Naturally, you want to see who has replaced you. Everybody does. This is not just a case of seeing who this person is but it is about your self-esteem and your self-worth to see who has replaced you. You organise a way to observe the replacement and through your own supporters you find some background information about this person. The combination of this viewing and intelligence gathering causes you to remark to your best friend,

“Have you seen who he is with?”

This is not announced out of breath taking admiration for the person who has replaced you. You are not looking on a stunning beauty who holds down a high-powered position in a major corporation, or who is a leader in her particular field of research. She is not known for her charitable work, being universally liked, someone who is committed to family and friends, someone who shines like a gilded trophy partner. She is the opposite.

You invariably undertake an inventory of your own selling points. I have witnessed this many times. You know that you are attractive. Many people have commented on this. Whether it is your glowing smile, your radiant eyes, your lustrous locks, your curvaceous figure, enticing cleavage, elegant shoulders and a score of other things, there is plenty about you that attracts the admiring looks. You may not be a Nobel Prize winner but you know you are bright, hard-working, articulate and have a keen interest in the world around you. You are well-liked by people. They praise your compassion, your wicked sense of humour, your wild side after a few tequilas or your competitive yet fun nature when it comes to sports and games. You are independent, aware and resourceful. You have an excellent job, you probably had money (until we appeared and leeched it away), a decent home and those trappings which denote the fact you are in regular employment and have good taste. You know you are a catch and that is not a boast. There is always room for improvement and you have your flaws, hey, who doesn’t? Nevertheless, you know you have plenty going for you.

But who on earth have we chosen?

You may not wish to be unkind to another member of the sisterhood but your jaw dropped when you saw that first picture that was posted on Facebook. We were stood there, huge grin on our face, arm wrapped around this new acquisition who is, well, everything you are not. If you are curvaceous, she is rake thin. If you are slender, she is packing some beef. Whereas you have long hair, hers is shorn short and looks as if it has been done in anticipation of her beginning a marine training course. Your elegant dress sense has been replaced by somebody who got dressed in the dark. Your eyes shine with intelligence. Hers are dulled from idiocy, drink or narcotics. Your nails are long and sharp, hers are bitten down and dirty. You learn she has no job, or is wearing an electronic tag, has a reputation around town for being a slut, had her children taken away from her, is known for shoplifting, comes from a notorious family on the other side of town and so on and so forth. Pick any combination and you will be left with someone who is not a patch on you.

You may have an initial surge of pride that you stand head and shoulders, metaphorically and possibly even literally, above your replacement, but we know that this is often overtaken by a sense of confusion and bewilderment. Why on earth have we chosen someone like her? After all the compliments that we gave you about the way you looked, how you behaved, the various characteristics that we praised and admired in you, why have we gone down market in choosing your replacement and why do we look so damned pleased about it?

There are a number of factors which you should have regard to.

  1. You may be witnessing a Panic Pick. If you escaped us and we had not embedded a new primary source of fuel, you will have forced us to rely on supplementary sources as we frantically sought out a new source of primary fuel. This is the result. We would ordinarily target someone who has the traits which we look for which align with the type of the narcissist that we are, however, the need to put in place some form of primary source is paramount and consequently we will sink our claws into the nearest half-decent (in terms of fuel provision) appliance we can locate, target and seduce. This person is the outcome of this. Your cessation as being our primary source of fuel, threw us into a panic and we have picked this person.
  2. It may be an Immediate Ego Boost. This also occurs when you have escaped us. Your escape is a huge criticism to us and wounds us. We need fuel and we need it soon. This person has not been targeted for the characteristics which we might purloin from them for our own use (as we did with you – claiming your successes and achievements as our own, basking in the reflected glory) nor have they been targeted for the residual benefits (money, status, good home and so on). This person has been targeted because they are so grateful to have someone take an interest in them that the fuel is gushing and pouring from them. It is likely, although not guaranteed (dependent on the type of narcissist that we are) that we will be a decent catch (or at least appear as one) for them. They feel extra special for having someone so good looking, successful, interesting and so forth take an interest in them. They cannot believe their luck at having traded up in the relationship stakes. Their reaction is one of total devotion, massive fuel supply and this makes us feel all the better after the wounding that we have received at your hands.
  3. It may be a Two Fingered Salute Triangulation (or a Middle Finger Triangulation dependent on where you hail from) which has been done entirely on purpose to undermine you. This happens where we have discarded you and we want to make you feel alarmed that we have chosen someone so beneath you but we chose them over you, so how bad will that make you feel? If you ever challenge us about this replacement and how unsuited she is, you can expect the exchanges to go something like this.

“You always told me that you loved my long hair.”

“I was lying. You took too long drying it when we wanted to go out. I have always preferred short hair and Sandy’s is just the way I like it.”

“You told me you didn’t like skinny women.”

“I never said that. You are just jealous because you are fat and I have found someone who really does it for me.”

“She doesn’t even work, you’ve always complained about people who are scroungers.”

“She looks after me. It is a shame you didn’t do that but you cared more about your job than me.”

“She is some two-bob skank whore. Everyone knows that.”

“She is a firecracker in the sack believe me. What would you know, you are an ice queen?”

Whatever part of the replacement’s appearance or whichever characteristic you identify as being undesirable, we will negate that, criticise you (even though we have always said we liked said characteristic of yours). This is done to upset you so you provide fuel, demean you and erode your self-esteem whilst making us look good in the eyes of your replacement. If this happens to you, you should consider that what is actually happening is that you are being given an early and brutal dose of the truth. What really mattered to us was your fuel and all that praise and all the compliments was solely done for the purposes of binding you to us.

  1. This arrangement provides the basis for a Triangulated Hoover to win you back which stands a greater chance of success.

“I was so lost without you, I lost the plot and chose her. I have no idea what I was thinking, she was not a patch on you, do you see how much you mean to me? I could not find anybody who came close to you. I made a huge mistake and she made me realise that it is you that I really do love. Let’s try again?”

The comparison between you and this less endearing individual and our apparent remorse and contrition is designed to maximise the prospects of this hoover succeeding. You will be shocked by how “off the rails” we appeared to go in choosing the skanky individual and you will be relieved by our apparent realisation that you are the one for us that you are far more likely to accept our overtures and be hoovered.

We will behave like we have found our soul mate (sound familiar?) in order to confuse you and make you feel utterly miserable that we are now happy with this person who we chose over you. You will invariably be caught in the grip of still wanting us and therefore to have been discarded and then replaced with someone like her, hurts you hugely.

Accordingly, should you ever find yourself remarking,

“Have you seen who he is with?”

On the basis of sheer amazement at the down-trading that has gone on, you will now understand the motive and rationale behind it. You should also keep in mind that whichever of the four scenarios detailed above has happened, your replacement will not be in situ for long. This person is a temporary primary source of fuel who will soon be dispensed with. This person is a stop gap to allow us to receive sufficient fuel in the interim while a more suitable and longer lasting victim is selected or is a method purely designed to lash out at you and hurt you until we find again someone more suitable and longer-term.

For once we are not reflecting you.



  1. A brilliant post! Than you so much H G Tudor for your rentless work exposing the narcs nature! I have been reading your blog since last year when I walked out from a relationship ( turned out he is just a normal guy). But thanks to the knowledge that I gained from you, I spotted a narcs within 4 months of a new relationship. Being an empath I am a magnet for him. The twist – I am older than him, I have better career and I am very attractive . In my case the new source of supply is like stepping down from driving Ferrari to driving Kia . I know what the replacement is so I am confident with the comparison. He is a Lesser- Mid Range and for him sex is the fuel. Taking about his fuel – let me just say that a lot more can be desired, a mediocre performance from his side . He also made me aware of the existence of an official girlfriend ( a doormat actually) – on/ off relationship because the narcs is also bi and a cross dresser in private but she cannot accept it. Nor his family is aware of this ( bi and cross dressing) . As his own needs always come firtst , his main tactic of obtaining his fuel is keeping at least 1-2 people on rotation together with the primary source of supply (the girlfriend). I am now in the Discard phase or stage and I am curios when the hoovering will start.

  2. I didn’t have to snoop around to see who he was with…SHE contacted ME via Facebook messenger just last week. Some strange woman, asking me if I was his girlfriend because she “likes” him. Just a note here…we are in our 40’s folks! A little too old for the high school game.

    She said she saw we had mutual friends and that she had seen some comment he made to me on Facebook. (This was clearly a lie because we do NOT have mutual friends and he and I were only friends on FB very, very briefly years ago.) When I asked him who she was and how on earth she got my name he called her “some crazy ass white bitch”. When I pressed for more info (always a big fat, no-no) because some woman is clearly stalking me (he and I have not been in a relationship since last September and we never engaged on FB during that time) he flew into a rage and started his verbal assault on me because I didn’t “believe” him.

    My real belief? He gave her my name, or had something to do with it, somehow. So, anyone here who has been discarded, don’t be surprised if the same thing happens to you at some point. My belief is also that when I only expressed concerns about not knowing who the woman was and that she could be some wacko (I have a family to protect), and not enough concern that he could be involved with her, it pissed him off. A lot. But hey, it caused an interaction between he and I regardless, so he still got what he wanted – a reaction of any kind.

    He has been popping up to say “hi” every few weeks. I have given up initiating contact with him for months now, because I started to wake up and realize what he was actually doing, and I’m trying to move on and heal after a very vicious discard. But, this was the last straw. I have now FINALLY blocked him from any avenue I can think of. I’m too busy and too concerned with taking care of myself then to deal with this kind of drama. If any other woman reaches out to me, I will delete and ignore, and not bother getting in touch with him.

    HG – you are confirming what I’ve been concerned about for years, so thank you for the information.

  3. I don’t know who is with him now. I just know he goes home everyday but not sure he is ok with his wife. She didn’t post anything with him since he discarded me. He isn’t online at dating site anymore. He signed out our secret messenger after 1 month . He discarded me, devauled his wife so long time but i am not sure he found a third one as the real one. Cause he just wanted hook ups and he had mentioned that he would make me jealous in case he found the real one.

    Nothing but silent since 2 months. Is he punishing me gradually?

    1. “Shelf” sounds nice than “disengage”. It is like dead silence. This is the first time I’ve encountered this ,after 2 years of relationship. I never thought of myself as a dls. Or shelved. I probably couldn’t get over the shock yet.
      i think you should arrange a daily tour with you for our questions :)) I can’t handle with silence . Your kind is like 1000000 piece puzzle that never will be solved.

  4. Mainly narcissists in my life wished to punish my lack of adequate compliance by choosing someone else who would dutifully look the other way if things didn’t add up since they enjoyed their charisma and attention so much.

      1. I don’t usually get involved in these sort of things. But that did make me laugh HG

      2. HG I actually predicted who he would end up with. . The ‘ lonely, needy one from down the road’ who would pop round when she needed some company..If I was there he would send her away, however who knows when I wasn’t… He probably didn’t even need to leave the house for her as she would have been more than willing to join his pity party when I left. .,He has proceeded to turn her into someone she isn’t..Her usual mumsy way of dressing has now changed to a more rock chick style..mirroring him and me… (She was wearing his dead wifes coat a few weeks ago). i know this because he offered it to me and I refused to wear it…(erm no).. Rather than be affronted by his choice I laughed, knowing this will be his downfall..what’s the expression. ‘You don’t shit on your own doorstep’ Her family are neighbours. so when it ends he will lose even more friends..Rather than looking pleased with himself he looks miserable as sin and when they are out together they don’t speak…Why is that?.shouldn’t they still be in the loved up stage after only 4 months? I am curious as to whether this could be for my benefit as he has begun circling closer to me when i’m out with friends? Should i be more wary of a hoover attempt aroundnow? I still treat him as invisible however this concerned me last week when I was out and he came and sat 6ft away looking miserable despite his new IPPS being at the bar…

        1. fauxfur5
          He was triangulating with the ‘ lonely, needy one from down the road’ and her rock chick style evidences his sense of entitlement and control. The dead wife’s coat is further evidence of his control and ownership (he unconsciously sees her as an appliance) and triangulation.

          If it ends badly, he will gain both thought and proximate negative fuel from his neighbors (her family), because they will always be in his first sphere of influence and the house acts as a hoover trigger.

          After four months, the Golden Period may be over and it looks like she is in devaluation. He may look miserable but he isn’t, that’s just a manipulation to make him look like a tortured soul or it’s a present silent treatment, either way, he draws fuel.

          When the current IPPS is in devaluation you, as the Former Intimate Partner (F.I.P.) Hoover, rank highest in his fuel matrix. She is viewed black and you are viewed white.

          You got an indirect hoover in the First Sphere of Influence and looking miserable is a manipulation that was deployed for the purposes of provoking a reaction from you (possibly positive) and his girlfriend (negative) at the bar; triangulation.

          He does not deem you a hassle to hoover at all.

      3. Oh I beg to differ. I usually pray I get dumped instead of me having to dump someone. I make up my mind early if this will work, and if it won’t, I don’t discuss it, I just act distant and not interested. When I’m dumped, makes me feel free and I can take the lack of failure just fine. “Yep, I’m fat. You’re right. You can do so much better.”

          1. NO, I got your point…the narc is in full tunnel vision of being better than the person he “discarded”.

            I’m just giving my response to a narc discarding me – in my mind, he’s doing me a favor by rejecting me and if I don’t push trying to make him see the error of HIS ways, I can leave without any “drama”.

        1. PD. I believe HGs point was to try and insult you insinuating that you are you are so deplorable anyone would be happier to break up with you then the other way around.

          From what I can tell… your very possibly just fresh off a relationship with a narc? I’m sensing some anger in some of your earlier posts where everyone was reacting to what you were saying. You insulted some people on here who do thier best to keep this place as constructive as possible. Also supportive.

          My advice (not that you asked for it) would be to view HG the same
          Way a cop would view a criminal giving them information to solve more crimes…. it’s an inside source. You don’t need to agree with him
          And anyone else on here. Your opinion is your own to make.

          But think about your own health and well being. Defending yourself to strangers on the internet is hardly worth your time or energy. And if there anything HG has taught me it’s… you don’t need to react.

          You will work through all that anger. It’s a normal part of the healing process.

          Clue if HG will post this. But all the best PD. I agree the break up is a relief.

      4. #Sarcasm: Because beating people is immoral (empath reasoning) — or illegal (narcissist reasoning)

  5. She is younger yes. She is so much more of a pliable receptacle to his machinations and bullshit yes. She is white trash, from white trash yes. Perhaps she is empath, perhaps she is normal. I care not. She is 18 years old and knows nothing. He had the super empath in his grasp. Yes, he had the Super Empath, Advocate and World Traveler at his beck and call. She gave and gave and gave, unbeknownst of what he was. She has a degree in Biology and Environmental Science. She has a certification as a community health worker, she was his advocate for veteran housing assistance for 3 years. She was 25 years his senior, but she is so much younger in appearance as well as countenance. Always has been.. She is stellar. From the stars. Super Empath and Starseed. He sucked the super empath’s fuel until she collapsed and realized.. All is not as it appears to be.

    The downgrade at it’s finest. HG. It makes no sense really. Or does it?

      1. Ya, WTF…??? I need help understanding why the outsiders of this blog are turning out to be so f***** mean, backstabbing, and awful… while the ones in here, along with the freakin’ Sociopath are seemingly nicer than the f***** outsiders all the sudden. Talk about confusion and Cognitive Dissonance… I just completely unfriended two, no three, lunatics who are in need of professional help, but in their denial, refuse to get any. This entire world has gone mad!

  6. Such a good feeling to read my 6 month old comments on this and see how far I’ve come (thanks HG!)

    Aside from feeling pity for her, I couldn’t care less about who he’ll be with next.

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