Why the Narcissist Downgrades
“HG, I am decent-looking, have a good job, I am intelligent, caring, fun and interesting, I dress well, I am a dab hand at cooking and nobody has ever complained about my bedroom skills and he has left me for THAT! Why?!”
It is a refrain I have often heard.
Why, when the narcissist could have you, did he go and choose somebody who is clearly inferior to you in so many different ways?
What is so good about her or him?
Where have you gone wrong?
Why on earth has he chosen her over you?
Why has the narcissist downgraded?
This gives you the answer and it will not only help you understand, it will make you feel a whole lot better too.
30 thoughts on “Why the Narcissist Downgrades”
A brilliant post! Than you so much H G Tudor for your rentless work exposing the narcs nature! I have been reading your blog since last year when I walked out from a relationship ( turned out he is just a normal guy). But thanks to the knowledge that I gained from you, I spotted a narcs within 4 months of a new relationship. Being an empath I am a magnet for him. The twist – I am older than him, I have better career and I am very attractive . In my case the new source of supply is like stepping down from driving Ferrari to driving Kia . I know what the replacement is so I am confident with the comparison. He is a Lesser- Mid Range and for him sex is the fuel. Taking about his fuel – let me just say that a lot more can be desired, a mediocre performance from his side . He also made me aware of the existence of an official girlfriend ( a doormat actually) – on/ off relationship because the narcs is also bi and a cross dresser in private but she cannot accept it. Nor his family is aware of this ( bi and cross dressing) . As his own needs always come firtst , his main tactic of obtaining his fuel is keeping at least 1-2 people on rotation together with the primary source of supply (the girlfriend). I am now in the Discard phase or stage and I am curios when the hoovering will start.
You are welcome.
I didn’t have to snoop around to see who he was with…SHE contacted ME via Facebook messenger just last week. Some strange woman, asking me if I was his girlfriend because she “likes” him. Just a note here…we are in our 40’s folks! A little too old for the high school game.
She said she saw we had mutual friends and that she had seen some comment he made to me on Facebook. (This was clearly a lie because we do NOT have mutual friends and he and I were only friends on FB very, very briefly years ago.) When I asked him who she was and how on earth she got my name he called her “some crazy ass white bitch”. When I pressed for more info (always a big fat, no-no) because some woman is clearly stalking me (he and I have not been in a relationship since last September and we never engaged on FB during that time) he flew into a rage and started his verbal assault on me because I didn’t “believe” him.
My real belief? He gave her my name, or had something to do with it, somehow. So, anyone here who has been discarded, don’t be surprised if the same thing happens to you at some point. My belief is also that when I only expressed concerns about not knowing who the woman was and that she could be some wacko (I have a family to protect), and not enough concern that he could be involved with her, it pissed him off. A lot. But hey, it caused an interaction between he and I regardless, so he still got what he wanted – a reaction of any kind.
He has been popping up to say “hi” every few weeks. I have given up initiating contact with him for months now, because I started to wake up and realize what he was actually doing, and I’m trying to move on and heal after a very vicious discard. But, this was the last straw. I have now FINALLY blocked him from any avenue I can think of. I’m too busy and too concerned with taking care of myself then to deal with this kind of drama. If any other woman reaches out to me, I will delete and ignore, and not bother getting in touch with him.
HG – you are confirming what I’ve been concerned about for years, so thank you for the information.
You are most welcome.
I don’t know who is with him now. I just know he goes home everyday but not sure he is ok with his wife. She didn’t post anything with him since he discarded me. He isn’t online at dating site anymore. He signed out our secret messenger after 1 month . He discarded me, devauled his wife so long time but i am not sure he found a third one as the real one. Cause he just wanted hook ups and he had mentioned that he would make me jealous in case he found the real one.
Nothing but silent since 2 months. Is he punishing me gradually?
I suspect you are on the shelf. I need more information however.
“Shelf” sounds nice than “disengage”. It is like dead silence. This is the first time I’ve encountered this ,after 2 years of relationship. I never thought of myself as a dls. Or shelved. I probably couldn’t get over the shock yet.
i think you should arrange a daily tour with you for our questions :)) I can’t handle with silence . Your kind is like 1000000 piece puzzle that never will be solved.
Absolutely brilliant! Spot on, I feel heaps better for reading this
You are welcome.
Mainly narcissists in my life wished to punish my lack of adequate compliance by choosing someone else who would dutifully look the other way if things didn’t add up since they enjoyed their charisma and attention so much.
I would be happy he found someone else.
Not as happy as he would be.
I don’t usually get involved in these sort of things. But that did make me laugh HG
HG I actually predicted who he would end up with. . The ‘ lonely, needy one from down the road’ who would pop round when she needed some company..If I was there he would send her away, however who knows when I wasn’t… He probably didn’t even need to leave the house for her as she would have been more than willing to join his pity party when I left. .,He has proceeded to turn her into someone she isn’t..Her usual mumsy way of dressing has now changed to a more rock chick style..mirroring him and me… (She was wearing his dead wifes coat a few weeks ago). i know this because he offered it to me and I refused to wear it…(erm no).. Rather than be affronted by his choice I laughed, knowing this will be his downfall..what’s the expression. ‘You don’t shit on your own doorstep’ Her family are neighbours. so when it ends he will lose even more friends..Rather than looking pleased with himself he looks miserable as sin and when they are out together they don’t speak…Why is that?.shouldn’t they still be in the loved up stage after only 4 months? I am curious as to whether this could be for my benefit as he has begun circling closer to me when i’m out with friends? Should i be more wary of a hoover attempt aroundnow? I still treat him as invisible however this concerned me last week when I was out and he came and sat 6ft away looking miserable despite his new IPPS being at the bar…
He was triangulating with the ‘ lonely, needy one from down the road’ and her rock chick style evidences his sense of entitlement and control. The dead wife’s coat is further evidence of his control and ownership (he unconsciously sees her as an appliance) and triangulation.
If it ends badly, he will gain both thought and proximate negative fuel from his neighbors (her family), because they will always be in his first sphere of influence and the house acts as a hoover trigger.
After four months, the Golden Period may be over and it looks like she is in devaluation. He may look miserable but he isn’t, that’s just a manipulation to make him look like a tortured soul or it’s a present silent treatment, either way, he draws fuel.
When the current IPPS is in devaluation you, as the Former Intimate Partner (F.I.P.) Hoover, rank highest in his fuel matrix. She is viewed black and you are viewed white.
You got an indirect hoover in the First Sphere of Influence and looking miserable is a manipulation that was deployed for the purposes of provoking a reaction from you (possibly positive) and his girlfriend (negative) at the bar; triangulation.
He does not deem you a hassle to hoover at all.
Oh I beg to differ. I usually pray I get dumped instead of me having to dump someone. I make up my mind early if this will work, and if it won’t, I don’t discuss it, I just act distant and not interested. When I’m dumped, makes me feel free and I can take the lack of failure just fine. “Yep, I’m fat. You’re right. You can do so much better.”
You missed my point.
NO, I got your point…the narc is in full tunnel vision of being better than the person he “discarded”.
I’m just giving my response to a narc discarding me – in my mind, he’s doing me a favor by rejecting me and if I don’t push trying to make him see the error of HIS ways, I can leave without any “drama”.
No, you missed my point.
tough to spot something you can’t conceive of
PD. I believe HGs point was to try and insult you insinuating that you are you are so deplorable anyone would be happier to break up with you then the other way around.
From what I can tell… your very possibly just fresh off a relationship with a narc? I’m sensing some anger in some of your earlier posts where everyone was reacting to what you were saying. You insulted some people on here who do thier best to keep this place as constructive as possible. Also supportive.
My advice (not that you asked for it) would be to view HG the same
Way a cop would view a criminal giving them information to solve more crimes…. it’s an inside source. You don’t need to agree with him
And anyone else on here. Your opinion is your own to make.
But think about your own health and well being. Defending yourself to strangers on the internet is hardly worth your time or energy. And if there anything HG has taught me it’s… you don’t need to react.
You will work through all that anger. It’s a normal part of the healing process.
Clue if HG will post this. But all the best PD. I agree the break up is a relief.
Clue – her departure saves another
#Sarcasm: Because beating people is immoral (empath reasoning) — or illegal (narcissist reasoning)
Did you just say that!
She is younger yes. She is so much more of a pliable receptacle to his machinations and bullshit yes. She is white trash, from white trash yes. Perhaps she is empath, perhaps she is normal. I care not. She is 18 years old and knows nothing. He had the super empath in his grasp. Yes, he had the Super Empath, Advocate and World Traveler at his beck and call. She gave and gave and gave, unbeknownst of what he was. She has a degree in Biology and Environmental Science. She has a certification as a community health worker, she was his advocate for veteran housing assistance for 3 years. She was 25 years his senior, but she is so much younger in appearance as well as countenance. Always has been.. She is stellar. From the stars. Super Empath and Starseed. He sucked the super empath’s fuel until she collapsed and realized.. All is not as it appears to be.
The downgrade at it’s finest. HG. It makes no sense really. Or does it?
It does to the narcissist. If you need assistance understanding
Ya, WTF…??? I need help understanding why the outsiders of this blog are turning out to be so f***** mean, backstabbing, and awful… while the ones in here, along with the freakin’ Sociopath are seemingly nicer than the f***** outsiders all the sudden. Talk about confusion and Cognitive Dissonance… I just completely unfriended two, no three, lunatics who are in need of professional help, but in their denial, refuse to get any. This entire world has gone mad!
A good example of being a Super being not so “super”.
Such a good feeling to read my 6 month old comments on this and see how far I’ve come (thanks HG!)
Aside from feeling pity for her, I couldn’t care less about who he’ll be with next.