We repeatedly provoke. The act of provocation is one which is designed to cause a strong and often unwelcome emotion in the recipient. On one level, it can be said that everything we do is provocative because we are always looking to cause you to be emotional, to react in an emotional fashion to what we do and as a consequence give us the fuel that we need. Thus when we tell you that we have finally found our soul mate, we are provoking you into generating an intense feeling of being loved (or at least thinking that you are being loved) which causes you to exhibit your love towards us and thus we gain our fuel. We pay a friend a compliment in order to provoke that person into at least thanking us, thus a small dollop of positive fuel or more hopefully (and indeed more likely because this empathic secondary source is well-mannered, honest and decent) we pay them a compliment so they will pay one to us and thus more fuel is garnered. There is no unconditional giving with our kind. We only give to receive.

Thus all of the things that we say and do, the manipulations, the chicanery, the machinations and the mind games are all designed to provoke you into giving us fuel. However, in its strictest sense, we provoke you in order to generate that intense response and one which is negative in nature. We provoke you so that you will explode in anger, erupt in a stream of profane insults and vent your frustration through a slap to the face or a mug hurled towards us.

We will push and push and push. Yes, many of you have a remarkable capacity to absorb these pointy sticks which jab you. Your kind are well-versed and skilled in the turning of the cheek, the adoption of the high ground and the making of allowances. You will bury the hatchet and we will dig it up again in order to give you a dig from the sharp point. You will let bygones be bygones and we will resurrect the memory of an age-old issue in order to rankle you.

Nothing is off limits in terms of provoking you. It might be focusing on a vulnerability of yours that we know about (having acquired this information when we seduced you) so that we remind you of a frightening episode from your childhood or capitalise on your terror of spiders. It might be homing in on your sensitivity about the size of your nose, the shape of your head, the bright red of your embarrassment. If you owe us money, we shall remind you of it and comment on your poor financial position. We may flirt because we know how much you hate the notion of us being unfaithful. We may repeatedly turn up late because you are an advocate of punctuality. We may criticise your parents, your choice of film, your culinary skills, your attempts to loser weight; whatever we have identified as a means for causing you to erupt at us we will do it.

We know which buttons to press. We have a knack and an instinct for doing so. This is because we are able to gather information about you when we seduce you which will be stored away and used against you at a later stage. This is also because empathic individuals are more likely to respond in an emotional fashion. Yes, you will soak it up at first by making allowances for our behaviour and indeed making excuses, exhibiting this selfless understanding for which you are famed. This will not dissuade us. We know that everybody has a limit of what they can take before they snap. Sometimes it is bursting into tears, running from the room or screaming. Other times it is exploding with a volley of curses, coming at us with flailing arms or shouting and screaming at the top of your voice about how awful we are.

Push, prod, niggle. Aggravate, rile, irritate. Ruffle, vex, bug. Irk incense and annoy. We will chip away at your defences, jabbing and poking as we look to make your blood boil, get on your nerves, get under your skin,  work you into lather and try your patience until you can take no more. We can sense the emotion rising in you. We notice the slight tells, the narrowing of the eyes, the rolling of the eyes, the sighs, the shake of the head, the hands on the hips, the raised palm, the jutting jaw and so on. The more you try to tell us that we are not getting to you, the more we are encouraged. We know that your emotion is building up inside of you. We know that it is increasing and no matter how much you are trying to maintain that cool exterior, we understand what is building up.

We not only have a medley of ways by which we provoke you, but we are experts in choosing precisely the best (worst) time to engage in this behaviour. Do any of these instances seem familiar?

When you are trying to get ready to go out.

When you are trying to have a telephone conversation with somebody else.

When you are trying to cook.

When you are trying to perform some chore.

When you are trying to get to sleep.

When you first come through the door after a long day.

When sat next to us in the car on a long journey.

When sat across from us in a restaurant.

When at some event of your choosing.

We will pick an inopportune time to commence our provocation so that you are caught off guard, when you are tired, when you are hungry, when you are anxious or stressed. The moment must be right for us and wholly inappropriate for you and then we can unleash the relevant form of provocation. We know what really gets to you. It may be the subject matter. It might be the way of conveying it, for instance patronising you or acting in a condescending fashion. It could be jabbing you with a finger on the shoulder to punctuate or words or giving you a dig in the back as you lie on your side in bed, after each savage sentence.

Eventually comes the eruption. You can only take so much and invariably when this provocation comes allied with an emotional state which makes you more susceptible to our provocations the explosion is all the more satisfying. Copious amounts of negative fuel fountain from you as you shout, scream, bang doors, slam your hand on the work top, swear and so forth. Inside we are soaring with the power that comes from the provision of this most excellent fuel. You, the paragon of virtue, the most patient of saints has been brought to boiling point and we achieved it. You have responded to our control. Our superiority is once again affirmed, we are the puppetmasters, we are omnipotent in our actions and you have responded as we wanted. Such marvellous fuel that sprays from you and we relish every drop.

Of course as it fountains and flows from you we will not want it to stop and the provocation will continue. Not only are we ensuring that we get to bathe in your overflowing fuel, we are using this eruption as evidence of how unhinged you are. Do not be surprised if this niggling, poking provocation occurs where others will see it. You can expect the whispered and insidious provocations to be used, the acts which are open to interpretation (although we both full well know exactly what was meant by our remark, our look or our gesture) and our good friend plausible deniability will be given an airing.

“Who me officer? I did nothing. She just exploded. I get this all the time, she has an anger management problem. John here will confirm she just went mental and started hitting me.” (Cue obliging Lieutenant).

“I don’t know what gets into her dad, she just erupts. You saw what she was like at mum’s birthday party. That is what I have to live with.”

“I feel sorry for you Mrs Johnson, having a daughter with a temper like that.”

We will provoke you. We will draw the delicious fuel that you will provide to us and then we will use your eruption against you as evidence of your unhinged mind, nasty temperament and unbalanced mental state.

Provocation is a mainstay of our behaviour. It comes in many forms, it is used in many different ways and on a range of occasions but its effects are always the same.

  1. The provision of a massive dose of negative fuel from a primary source;
  2. The exertion of control over you;
  3. The reinforcement of our image of superiority, lack of accountability and omnipotence;
  4. The creation of an emotional state in you which hampers your ability to think clearly and logically;
  5. The creation of a situation where you can later be made to feel guilty for erupting in the way you have at us;
  6. The manufacturing of a scenario which is used to reinforce our façade – we were calm and bewildered by this outburst.
  7. The manufacturing of a scenario which is used to smear you to third parties.

Provocation is a very useful tool to us. It is used extensively and repeatedly. Know why it is being used. Do not try to outlast it and exert your capability for patience, tolerance and understanding. You are just goading us to try harder. Remove yourself before your threshold is reached to avoid giving us points 1-7 above.

Provocation will always be used against you.

Anyway, who do you think you are looking at?

35 thoughts on “Provocation

  1. Abe Moline says:

    “Nothing is off limits in terms of provoking you”

    Let’s not forget, of course – making up something so ridiculous about you that you cannot believe and understand how the hell did she/he get this idea. You’ll be either astonished or annoyed or very sad about it…

    I had these reactions and could not understand why she seemed so pleased with herself afterward.

    But towards the end I was no longer bothered (externally), I just said laughing – “This is so silly you’d deserve some nice spanking about it, but fortunately I’m not the one to give it to you anymore”. This reaction made her retreat, got some silent treatment afterward. Unfortunately, at that time, I did not know this means I “won”, I would have felt much better… 🙂

  2. deniseisdone says:

    After getting wonderfully educated through HG I see I was a foolishly gushing twit regarding fuel but I was not really abused as others have been – he did try once and I cut him off. My question is this I have an ISFJ – T ( Defender) personality and am able and do stand up for myself and others by nature and I do have the ability to wound others if wronged. Why IT was persistent for a month to win me back after our only argument is baffling – we never had another argument after that. I’m not understanding how any narc would find my traits (witty, feisty with a sense of humor) something worth their time? Can anyone please explain so I NEVER let ppl like that close to me again. Thank you.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      They are acquired as part of the construct for the acquisition of fuel. Further, mirroring those traits/appreciation of them causes fuel provision on your part

  3. Kiki says:

    PM I have nothing against you at all ,it’s just not constructive to be snide at HG .Its a total waste of your energy , you cannot change him , he is what he is whether you hate or not .
    To be here railing against HG is totally pointless.What exactly is the point may I ask?
    If you need to learn about narcs or need help in dealing with an entanglement with one you are in the right place but if it’s about HG then you are not.

    I do not look for HGs approval , or fawn over him .
    I simply don’t like snide remarks and HG bashing here.
    If you want to have a constructive conversation with anyone go ahead but you need to rethink your purpose of being here
    Is it for help ot too goad HG , I hope you realise the latter is a total waste of your time.



  4. Veronique Jones says:

    How does a narcissist feel if the provocations just don’t work any more and we don’t explode or cry ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Ready Fury.

  5. Claire says:

    I feel more sane reading this thread than ever before.

  6. Kelly B says:

    I went to battle with my narcissist. ex. Could write a book on my experience.Went to the highest of highest with case and investigation. If I had all the this knowledge before I would have withdrew. I do take this knowledge very seriously.

  7. Pamela Dianne says:

    Nah you know what, I’m just going to block this page and move on to better people and something more productive. Bye.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Back within 24 hours.

      1. Desirée says:

        can’t wait.

        1. Desirée says:

          also, how does one block a page…

      2. foolme1time says:

        I’d wager sooner then that HG. 🤣🤣🤣🙃 I couldn’t help myself!! Hahaha

    2. foolme1time says:

      I’m sure you will find the fuel you seek elsewhere! 👋

    3. Sarah says:

      Great! Now let’s have a moment of silence for PD and all those other people dying for attention.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Make it a life time of silence a la no contact

        1. Sarah says:

          A much wiser idea HG, consider it done ✅

  8. Jonnae says:

    Happened to me the other day and I knew he was “picking” at me, trying to get a “ rise” out of me and I tried to fight it, but I couldn’t help it. I had to tell him off!! Not that it mattered.
    Thank you HG, since listening to your videos and reading your books I finally understand “what” I’m dealing with and I really do believe he is a Greater narcissist. Just by the things he says how he plots and studies people and waits for the right timing and he says he always gets what he wants ( of course I’m regards to pursuing women).

  9. Pamela Dianne says:

    Being out of control is NOT popular as much as we would like it to be..

    1. Sniglet says:

      Pammy – why are you so emotional about HG? You’ve been here under a different account name. I sense an imposter syndrome with you.

  10. Kiki says:

    PD , why are you so rude to HG ,seriously there is no need for it .
    You are poking and prodding at him .It doesn’t effect him in the slightest but it gets to me there is no need it is almost bullying.
    For Gods sake if you don’t like him then don’t post .
    He provides us with an abundance of information ,kindly replies to a lot of our posts and has really been a saviour for many here.
    I don’t know if you are a narc or just taking the piss .

    1. Desirée says:

      Kiki, it’s the first of the two, hence no point in educating her so let’s have some fun with it instead.

    2. foolme1time says:

      She is rude because she is seeking fuel. When HG has had enough he will put a stop to it and put her in her place. 😉

      1. Pamela Dianne says:

        oh, I can’t wait to see that.

    3. Pamela Dianne says:

      Cause the article’s title is PROVOCATION. And it’s an opposing idea. That tells me none of you challenge ANY OF THIS. You fawn like you do and then want to earn his approval.

      You know, whatever…why am I even explaining this?

      1. Sniglet says:

        We were waiting for someone like you Pamela to challenge it. How would you challenge it? I am interested in your point of view.

      2. LC says:

        Hi PD, that‘s actually not true. But the site belongs to HG so he is free to post what he chooses and you are free not to read any of it. You don’t seem to be so free. There is a need for you to be here, otherwise you wouldn’t be (you seem to want to get away and can’t). But there is no need for you to like what he posts.

        As a reader of his pages I would welcome a critical engagement with his content, and he makes it possible to post that. So go ahead, I‘d read it if it’s constructive! But the way you post at present is kind of … empty. You do it to provoke – which you state above as well. Why? Is it hurt? What kind of gratification are you looking for, here? I sense some frustration with readers whom you seem to regard as ‚dumb-arsed‘ or perhaps blindfolded here.

        It‘s not true that readers who appreciate this blog have lost their critical faculties – despite their having to battle ET/relationship addiction. Logic, for me, is actually one of the great enablers of ET . I can use logic to undermine my emotional perception that conflicts with my need to be addicted. But my logic works pretty well in working out what’s quality info and what isn’t.

        I for one don‘t like reading rubbish websites and act logically enough that I don’t go to the ones that annoy me (therefore I don’t have to post how awful I find the site). Why do you though?

        You don’t like over-infatuation with HG, correct? I can kind of relate to that. But if you think logically about it: many of us here have a predisposition to be attracted to narcissistic advances. Learning here- and for many this is information that makes sense for the first time ever -has the life-changing power of restoring one‘s sanity after experiencing incredibly toxic scenarios, scenarios which nobody chose of their own volition. Yes, we all played our part in the dynamic but we didn’t want any of it. Learning how to avoid playing the game that we didn’t want to play in the first instance is what makes us readers return with gratitude.

        I have also questioned infatuation with HG here- but it is safe to be infatuated with him. People have their own speeds by which they lose their need to idolize people they want to relate to.

        Many, if not most of us, are repeat offenders, meaning we‘re relationship addicts. For many this means over engagement with relationship issues. We find quality info here, like-minded people, support, for many it is substantial, and we can use the site to wean ourselves safely of narc-addiction. Narc addiction involves a propensity to idealize whomever we appreciate. And here, there is no harm in idolizing HG. If it annoys you just scroll past the comments.

        So: What is in it for you? Why are you here?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Well stated and considerably tolerant.

      3. Kiki says:

        You didn’t oppose you used provocation, you used a narc tactic on HG ,
        Yeah I’m getting triggered now time to relax.

      4. Desirée says:

        Fawning…? Never!
        Why would we marvel at his eloquent elaborations, the precision he applies…his phrases cut confusion as he carves his legacy in marble. The wisdom of his words, this sculpture he created, gleaming in the sun’s caresses, the roman statue…the Veiled Christ. So bright is the light of his white work of art, not even the seagulls dare shit on it.

  11. Pamela Dianne says:

    And emotionally stunted child. -_-

    1. Desirée says:

      It must be past your bedtime.

      1. Pamela Dianne says:

        ….and you’re not here to cuddle…I’m the one at a loss.

        1. Desirée says:

          Agreed. Had you gotten more hugs as a child, this may not have happened. I could tell you a bedtime story regardless, but what could measure up to the grandiose delusions you already tell yourself.

    2. Kiki says:

      PM be honest that was a jab at HG ,hence the smile , PROVOKING,not a general observation from the article.
      That’s the way I saw it anyway ,I could be wrong on this one but not on many other comments.

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