Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don’t


Society and people need rules. The requirement for regulation looms large in everyone’s life. Pay your taxes, don’t park in that place, don’t drop litter, say please and thank you and so on. From laws to rules to codes of conduct, through to convention to procedures to etiquette we are bound up in rules wherever we go and whatever we do. People grumble and complain about them but ultimately they prefer the world to have these rules. People like to know where they stand. You know what you can and cannot do. You may not agree with it, but you at least have some certainty. Those that found themselves in the horror of concentration camps complained that there was never any certainty to the day. You could be subjected to punishment for walking too slowly one day and too fast the next. It was random and awful, yet such a system is horrendously effective at undermining someone’s will and paradoxically causing them to try harder in order to avoid a sanction.
Our behaviour is much the same. There is no rhyme or logic to it. Last week I said I liked sugar in my tea and this week I do not. I deny that I said I liked sugar in my tea and moreover this triviality causes me to erupt in rage when you put sugar in my drink this week. You are confused and anxious by this random control that I exert over you. It is all intentional. Do not make the mistake of thinking that we cannot recall what we said or did the previous day, that we are somehow blind to our previous likes and dislikes as if affected by some form of amnesia. This disorientating tactic is deliberate. You may as well ascribe outcomes to the numbers two through to twelve and roll two dice. That gives you just as good a chance of determining how I will behave. One week I sleep with the bedroom window open, the next it must be closed. Yesterday I want silence in the kitchen in the morning, today I want the radio on. Each day you are put on parade and then awaiting the inevitable criticism as I will find some fault in order to control you, demean you and provoke a reaction. I am like an insane regimental sergeant major who deems the buttons on your uniform to not shine enough despite the hours you spent polishing each one. Like his parade ground bark, I will unleash my haphazard criticism of you with a barrage of abuse, raising my voice and making you wince with each syllable. We understand the effect of repeatedly being shouted at and it causes you to submit to our demands Invariably I will see what you are doing and pick the opposite as being what I want. I am a natural contrarian. All of this is done to maintain your heightened sense of anxiety, forcing you to second guess and thus become conditioned to our will. Periodically we will approve of what you have done and your sense of relief is so overwhelming you receive a natural high. This in turn causes you to want to repeat it and therefore each and every day you are walking on those eggshells as you try to please us and avoid our erratic and groundless rage. There is no system you can depend on, no method of working out what is safe to do and what should be avoided, yet still you will try. As ever, you want to make matters right and keep the peace.

8 thoughts on “Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don’t

  1. santaann1964 says:

    We need rules or we would be all be a mess. I think you had to many rules as a youngster so you rebel and hurt. Just like you were, hurt even if you followed all the rules.?

  2. veronicajones1969 says:

    HG on several occasions I have been accused of planing an event sometimes even in front of someone else when my narcissist is being abusive to me if I leave.
    I am really not like that at all I’m very reactive to abuse but I don’t plan out my reactions with your guidance I have learned to control that a bit and not react so much sometimes not at all but I am noticing more hoovering because of it
    Why is that if I’m not giving up fuel ?????

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You will be providing fuel without realising you are doing so. There is also the issue of character traits and residual benefits, further, you may be doing things/there is activity which is lowering the hoover bar so even if there is a reduced fuel output it is easy to obtain, hence the HEC are met and you are getting hoovered. I recommend you consult with me to analyse this further.

      1. K says:

        This article is dated June 25 but the comments are all from March 2019. Am I reading this correctly or am I self-gaslighting?

        JUNE 25, 2019 HG TUDOR 4 COMMENTS

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are reading correctly.

          1. K says:

            Ha ha ha…ok, I thought I was losing’ it. Just checking.

          2. Freedom says:

            How beautiful you didn’t want to do Gaslight

  3. J.G says:

    Now all I see is negative fuel procurement, with its behaviors. If you don’t give him the positive or if he needs the contrast. On the other hand to punish, for some criticism towards his person.
    What about a, that you feel like affection, sugar or just?
    Leave the choice in his hand.
    What skirt should I wear, or better trousers. Which one do you like more? I dress only for your eyes. Love. kisses kisses kisses.
    Ohh, you are my god…..

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