There comes a time when this must happen to everybody who has been ensnared by us. There is no hope for anything different. In the way that the world keeps on turning and the planets waltz around the sun, we will always cast you to one side. Of the many cruelties which we exact against you, this ranks as one of the worst. You might think that it is a blessing that the daily machinations and manipulations have ended but you will not see it that way when you are discarded. Indeed, you may not ever realise it.

You are given no warning that you are about to be dis-engagement from, although if you know to look for them, there are actually signs that point to what is about to happen. Invariably you are unable to see them because you cannot see or think clearly for the maelstrom that continues to rage around you. There are times when the dis-engagement takes place that it is almost as if we have vanished into thin air. Yesterday we met you for lunch as normal and today you have no idea where we are. You have telephoned but our number is no longer in service. You call our work but you are told that we are unavailable as our assigned gatekeeper keeps you at bay. You wait around trying to catch a glimpse of us in order to speak with us and find out what is going on. You see hide nor hair of us and rather than be angry you are worried and concerned both for us and our relationship, or at least what was once our relationship. This form of the dis-engagement is swift and brutal. Here yesterday and gone today. We put in place a ring of steel which we will not allow you to penetrate. When this form of dis-engagement has been effected you are actually receiving a double whammy of dis-engagement and an absent silent treatment. This is designed to reinforce like a hammer blow that you are no longer of any use to us. We do not want to see you, we do not want to hear from you and we do not want to read your e-mails, messages and texts. At least not yet. This form of dis-engagement arises because we have already replaced you. We have found a new primary source of fuel and he or she is a thousand times better than you. We have brought down the shutters, raised the drawbridge and built our castle walls thick and high as we now sit in the throne room with our new, wonderful and perfect primary source by our side. You have been struck from the record, deleted and erased. We do not want you distracting us from this most precious person that we have found.

The truth is that the memory of us being linked to you irritates and infuriates us. We thought that you were the one who would supply us with positive fuel always. Despite the other failures that had gone before you, you showed such promise and we gave you everything in order to seduce you. Now you are placed on the appliance pile and broken, of no current use to us. You let us down and we bristle at the thought that we even considered you might be of use to us. Your failure and the fact we chose you means that we feel criticised and the ignition of our fury results in a cold fury that creates this icy hinterland that we place between you and us. We want nothing more to do with you. Until we decide of course it is time to hoover you. This sudden and unexplained cessation of the relationship is only temporary. We will look to reinstate it at some point in order to extract hoover fuel from you, but you do not know this. All you know is that we were once there and no we are no longer and it hurts. Your soul has been wrenched from within you. It does not matter how badly we hurt you, you still wanted that golden period and our sudden departure has denied that from ever happening again, or at least that is what you are led to believe. Your pain is absolute, combined with the confusion and bewilderment.

Another way in which we cast you to one side is akin to being repeatedly dunked in a barrel of icy water. Each time your dunking lasts a little longer and you fear you cannot hold your breath any longer and this time this is it, you are on your way out, only for us to haul you out and that sweet and precious air fills your lungs, if only for an instance before you are thrust back into the water. During that interlude, as the water cleared from your eyes and you gulped great lungfuls of air you saw someone else stood by our side, watching you with a look of curiosity on their face. This is your replacement but we have not yet decided that they are to replace you as we are giving you the chance to prove yourself and provide some further fuel before we push you away and leave you spluttering and gasping on the ground beside the barrel. We never finish you off. That would be pointless. We always need to come back, not that you will realise that as you lie panting and shaking on the ground, cold and soaked, watching as we stroll away, our arm around the new prospect. This steady and controlled dis-engagement takes place as we lose interest in you but we have no desire to make our departure sudden and swift. We want to hedge our bets as we firm up our arrangements with your replacement, fine-tuning that seduction as we continue to extract fuel from you through this dunking. We push and pull, toying with your emotions. This is not part of the devaluation even though we exhibit a similar behaviour during that time when we denigrate you and then grant respite. No, this is different. When this is undertaken in an accelerated fashion then you know that it is a form of dis-engagement. We may give you a week of hell and then several weeks of the golden period before hell again. That is the push and pull of devaluation. When this technique is applied as discard it is disorientating as one day is fine and the next is not and then fine again. You feel like you are being figuratively bludgeoned and as you try and get your bearings you stagger across the boxing ring away from us only to meet another opponent who continues the beating and then sends you on your way to the next one.

These are just two forms of the way we will discard you. Why do we do it? As ever it is all about fuel. With the first it is because we have new and brilliant fuel and no longer wish to be reminded about your faltering and weak fuel. In the second we have not yet confirmed that the new source is as potent as we require and in the meanwhile we decide to continue to extract further fuel from you as your severance from us takes place in typical salami-slicing fashion. In every entanglement with our kind you will eventually be discarded. You won’t see it coming but it is always in the post, coming along the highway, wending its way towards you.

Don’t be too concerned though. No dis-engagement is for ever. We always come back for more.

13 thoughts on “Offload

  1. KellyD says:

    “You see hide nor hair of us and rather than be angry you are worried and concerned both for us and our relationship”
    But if I do express anger or hurt about him not reaching out to me as he usually does, his first reaction is anger that I’m not worried about him! Like maybe he’d been in some terrible accident.. rather than just fucking with me. Always turning it around so that I look crazy or uncaring. Smh

  2. WokeAF says:

    SO INTERESTING because – when I started to drift away earlier this year , he texted “do you still love me? Or have you just tossed me on the pile of useless losers?”
    This was very strange, for my MMR, to be this dramatic. The DLS dynamic we had, had no illusions of REAL, partner-love.
    It reminds me of this line in this article “Now you are placed on the appliance pile and broken”

    Is that how a MMR would feel if WE escape with total NC?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Read ‘ How No Contact Feels – Part Two.

  3. mai51 says:

    I was repeatedly dunked in the icy barrel… was absolutely soul destroying, and I never want to go through that again. After that, he did the disengagement/silent treatment, as he had his new primary secured….. I was released and free….

    He moved in with her after 2 months, and proposed after another 2 months…. I wasn’t heartbroken, just a little shocked, as I had been his longest relationship in 15 years (we “survived” 3 years together)….

    I found out a few days ago, that she is 24 years old….. he just turned 48…. she’s the same age as his eldest, estranged daughter….

    He once told me that he was surprised he was so smitten with me, because he likes them young…. pause….no, Mai, very young…. I guess he likes to be in complete control, and that’s one way to do it.

    What a sad, fucked up individual…. and I feel so sorry for her…. he’ll get her pregnant, skip away from her like the others, and her life will be ruined…. although, I guess she has issues of her own, if she thinks marrying a guy the same age as her father, a drug dealer, ex-felon, deadbeat Dad, and a narcissist to boot is a match made in heaven….

    Bullet. Dodged.

    For some reason finding out her age has made me happy that everything I sensed, and feared, is actual truth and reality.

    1. KellyD says:

      Yeah, bullet dodged, Mia! Take solace in that. Now sh’s in her own prison with the ex felon. You escaped. 🚀

    2. KellyD says:

      Sorry Mai! Transposed my letters on the last one!

  4. Lori says:

    Would you consider shelved ipsses where this no contact not even crumbs as offloaded ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I do not understand the question, please rephrase.

  5. Lin May says:

    This is all so true HG, thank you. I went through a horrid discard when I was 19, The N was 44 and my college professor. A smear campaign was an understatement, I had to leave the university I was at and transfer to another, he made it impossible to stay nevermind the fact that he was failing all my papers. Of course at only 19 I had no defence against any of it, I was just amazed that such an intelligent, charming man would be interested in me. I was an IPSS and then promoted to temporary IPPS for a while when his wife discovered his other IPSS and escaped. As soon as he secured a new IPPS I was discarded.

    There were a few Hoover attempts which I ignored then nothing for 23 years. Two years ago he followed me on Twitter, I didn’t even know he was on it. I did nothing, he did nothing and this is how it has stayed. I was amazed that after that amount of time he would still Hoover!

    Do you think I am doing the right thing by doing nothing, HG? I figured if I blocked him he would know I have noticed him? It seemed that refusing to acknowledge his existence was my best bet. Unfortunately it does mean I don’t use Twitter anymore because I don’t want him checking up on me and who I am talking to, maybe I should block after all…

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You should impose a full no contact regime. Come off Twitter for a time, do not just leave it there unused.

  6. susisorglos66 says:

    He can kiss my A**… Never again !! 💯😉

  7. olderandwisernow says:

    “Here yesterday and gone today. We put in place a ring of steel which we will not allow you to penetrate. When this form of dis-engagement has been effected you are actually receiving a double whammy of dis-engagement and an absent silent treatment. This is designed to reinforce like a hammer blow that you are no longer of any use to us.” This is what my N mom has done to me. I spent years taking her to doctor appointments and assisting. When she heard she was terminally ill (and because I didn’t fight harder with the surgeon to find a cure) she cut off all communication. She ended up getting chemotherapy, I believe, and has extended things by 6 months, but she is no longer in touch with me. (I head updates through my brother)

    It is hard to fully express how unexpected and hurtful this was. BUT also a gift in that it was what showed me that I was raised by a Narc. I couldn’t see it before because I could forgive everything before.

    I married a Narc and had an affair with a Greater (out of the pan and into the fire). Through HG’s writings and those of other victims, I have been able to see what caused all of my poor choices. I am working hard to make better, conscious ones now.

    Thank you, HG.

  8. Tamara says:

    Ah, this is sad; but there are some that are in relationships with a Narcissist for decades, albeit, the relationship is leavened with abuse throughout… (sometimes unbeknownst to the “groomed” victim).

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