Surely, That’s The End Yes?

 surely-thats

“I have not heard from him in a month, he has moved on hasn’t he?”

“I exposed what she is like to all of her family, she won’t be contacting me again that’s for sure.”

“I told him I know what he is and he disappeared so I doubt I will hear from him again.”

“He is with somebody else already so I guess he won’t want me again will he?”

“I told him what I thought of him and he just backed off. He won’t hoover me will he?”

“He came crying back to me and I gave him short shrift. I doubt he will bother again.”

Wrong.

There are many different scenarios and outcomes involving our kind where the victim considers that our kind will not bother with them again post discard or post escape. The victim thinks that a period of total silence, the involvement of the narcissist with a new victim, the manner in which the relationship ended will all mean that the narcissist will not come sniffing around the victim ever again.

We will.

Why is this the case?

Firstly, you must understand our perspective. You belong to us. You are our appliance. You are our property. The Formal Relationship between us may have ended but the Narcissistic Relationship is forever. It only ends when either you or I cease to draw breath. It does not matter that we enter into a new Formal Relationship with somebody else. It does not matter if you do. It does not matter that world war three erupted when we parted company. It does not matter if there has been complete silence for two years. None of these factors alter the fact that in our minds the connection between you and I because of the Narcissistic Relationship lasts until one of us dies.

Secondly, the attraction of gathering fuel from you is substantial and this is the prime driver for never letting go. Fuel is so important to us that it drives everything about behaviour and the link between you and I is no exception to the all-pervasive power of fuel.

Thirdly, factors such as new partners, the effluxion of time and the manner in which the Formal Relationship has ended are immaterial.

I am repeatedly asked by people whether a hoover will happen. I always answer the same; the risk always remains, but you can manage that risk. People set out the circumstances of the end of the Formal Relationship to me and what has happened since (if anything) and ask whether a hoover will happen, or express their view that they do not think it will happen because of a, b or c. My answer again is the same; the risk of us returning always remains, but you can manage that risk.

It is never the end. There is always a risk, a chance, a probability (or a possibility) that we will return to you and apply a hoover. You cannot assume that it is over. No matter how much it may seem that it is over, no matter how much it may appear to you that we will not come back, that we apparently have no reason to do so, such assumptions are dangerous. There are only two factors which are material to the issue of whether you will be hoovered again.

The first factor is the Hoover Trigger. For a hoover to happen potentially, it must first be triggered. This means that you must come into our sights, that we sniff the prospective fuel that leaks from you, that something happens to cause you to come up on our radar. Whether this happens depends on whether you enter one of the six spheres of influence. I have written separately about them in The Spheres of Influence (And What You Can Do About Them) in another article. I will not repeat its content other than to state that

  1. You have control over whether you enter any of the first five spheres of influence; and
  2. You have no control over whether you enter the sixth sphere of influence.

By staying away from us through no contact you will not enter the first five spheres. The sixth sphere is when we happen to think of you. Thus, if you have successfully implemented no contact the only risk of a trigger being activated is if we happen to think of you. You cannot influence that. Our preoccupation with your replacement means we are far less likely to think of you and hoovers are triggered by you doing something to enter the first five spheres, such as messaging us or passing where we live.

If you maintain no contact the first five spheres will not be entered. It then just depends on whether we happen to think of you. This may not happen for weeks or months. You can therefore see that by staying out of the first five spheres you will vastly reduce the risk of a Hoover Trigger being activated but you cannot state that it will never happen as it is reliant on if we happen to think of you. That may just be a random occurrence or it might be because we see something that reminds us of you.

The second factor is only applicable if the Hoover Trigger has been activated. The second factor is concerns the Hoover Criteria. These criteria include such matters as: –

–         Whether you are a potent source of fuel;

–         Whether you can easily be located;

–         Whether you can easily be contacted;

–         Whether you have your defences maintained concerning us;

–         Whether you remain mired in the emotional sea;

–         What support networks you have in place;

–         How well fuelled we are;

–         The nature of the narcissist who you entangled with (Lesser, Mid-Range or Greater); and

–         Potential obstacles

All of these matters combine to determine whether it is worthwhile us expending our energy to act on the Hoover Trigger. If we are presented with a sitting target, flowing with fuel, caught in the emotional sea, isolated and exposed then the criteria point heavily to the fact that a hoover will now take place. If on the other hand it is very hard to contact you, we know you have stopped flowing with fuel when dealing with us, you have people who will stop us trying to reach you and so forth, you become a Flawed Reason to Extract Emotion (F.R.E.E.).

For a worked example of how this can happen if someone enters the first sphere of influence I recommend that you read the article Hoover Time! Sphere One.

Accordingly, if you can do everything possible to become a F.R.E.E. then even if Hoover Trigger is activated then the chances of us executing that hoover will be considerably reduced. By contrast, if you fail to attain becoming a F.R.E.E. then you run the risk of a hoover being executed.

You will note that in the hoover criteria above there is no mention of the gap between when we last contacted you and the current time. There is no mention of the circumstances in which we parted company as the Formal Relationship. There is no mention of you knowing what we are, whether you told us, whether you exposed our abuses to others. Those are not factors which concern us. The existence of a new partner is not relevant either in isolation, but is only a partial consideration in terms of whether that person might stop us. Of course even if they might do so and all the other factors point to the execution of a hoover, this one criterion has diminished relevance.

Accordingly, when you are asking yourself whether a hoover may happen. Remember this.

  1. You can never say never.
  2. There needs to be a Hoover Trigger. You can significantly influence whether there is one and reduce the risk but you cannot remove it.
  3. The Hoover Criteria need to be met. Again, you can significantly influence whether the criteria are met by becoming a F.R.E.E. and reduce the risk, but you cannot remove it.

The issue of whether you will experience a hoover is not completely in your hands, but is far more within your control than you might at first have thought.

It is never the end but you are not helpless.

17 thoughts on “Surely, That’s The End Yes?

  1. Jess says:

    @empath007 – kudos to you for sticking with NC and ignoring. Hope the inevitable comes far down the line when you care less about running into him. I have also been NC almost a year and had to cut off contacts with mutual friends so as not to invite hoovers. Hoping that even the odd email ones will dissipate over time.

  2. Na says:

    Disagree. If we have exposed you, successfully, you won’t be back.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Wrong.
      1. The impact of exposure is but one factor – others may outweigh it.
      2. The impact of exposure fades over time.
      If you think exposure means we will not hoover, this is emotional thinking and you’re increasing your risk of being hoovered.

      1. empath007 says:

        HG. I find myself in a constent state of hyper vigilance because of this. Mine has already tried many indirect Hoovers… he hasn’t been direct yet, I believe because he feels self assured I will crawl back to him.

        I’m starting to think the key to it all is getting to an emotional state where if he did try… it wouldn’t bother me anymore. And that the best way to accomplish this would be to reduce my ET as much as possible by distracting myself with all the things in my life.

        Because I find being on gaurd a lot is exhausting.

        1. Jess says:

          @empath007: how long have you been disengaged from and in no contact? I had that same hyper vigilance feeling but it does get better. Though I just received an email hoover after 6 months (landed in spam box). Still raised my ET despite ignoring if course.

          1. empath007 says:

            Jess: It’s been almost a year. We are part of the same social circle so I think that’s a big pArt of the reason I feel this way. I still get invited to lots of events he’s at etc. And his friends still come bother me occasionally to gather information (which they dont get) So I feel
            Myself constantly waiting for the run in to happen… perhaps that is why I feel this way. BecAuse it’s inevitable we will see each other at one point.

      2. fauxfur5 says:

        HG so far after 6 months Nc I have evaded any kind of hoover. As I have mentioned previously. I have so far kept up 6 months NC. despite being in the same social circle on weekends. without any trouble. I treat him as invisible and he keeps his distance. I have heard from a friend that he is now engged to his new IPPS however since this revelation a month ago neither have been seen in public . Last time I saw him he came and sat 6 ft away from me which I obviously ignored, do you think this was an attempt to provoke me as his new IPPS was around and if so is this recent ‘news’ another attempt to provoke me into breaking NC and should I be on my guard…many thanks.. Ps I have no intention of breaking NC but I was curious as to the extent a narc will go to just to drag someone back in to their drama, Many thanks..

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are most welcome

        2. WhoCares says:

          fauxfur5,

          “Last time I saw him he came and sat 6 ft away from me which I obviously ignored… and should I be on my guard…”

          fauxfur5 – 6ft away and you ignored him? Good job! I would dread that happening in public with my narcissist.
          From what I understand we should always be on guard – or attempt to exit the situation if at all possible.

          1. fauxfur5 says:

            Who Cares…Yes he came and sat at the table behind me when I was out with friends and yes I ignore him most weekends..He is practically invisible to me now. and he dare not approach me when i’m out with friends. Usually he runs away .but not this time which is why i was curious as to why he’s started circling closer despite just getting engaged….

          2. WhoCares says:

            Fauxfur5,

            Circling closer… triangulation? Especially, if you said his IPPS was present as well…and maybe that fuelled him enough to endure the wounding of being ignored by you; so he did not need to run away.

          3. fauxfur5 says:

            Sorry I’m just receiving notifications from ages ago.. Triangulation. I suppose that would work well in that situation His new IPPS is very insecure so him moving closer to me and my friends could also provoke jealousy from her regardless of whether I responded or not.. I wonder if there is such a thing as fuel banking? in that she may not have reacted there and then but may have when they got home and he could use it that way.

  3. Tamara says:

    Yes, it’s the end because he has his mum to take care of him. During our entire relationshi*, he ran to her to tattletale on me over anything he could dream up. He triangulated me with mummy, 24/7. And mummy swooned all over him. They made a lovely couple. I’m quite certain they’re still together to this day sitting in their treetop.

  4. deniseisdone says:

    Good evening. Thanks to you I have all my bases covered – greatly appreciated!!!

  5. lisk says:

    LOL I just finished watching the movie, “The Bigamist,” and “The End” just flashed on the screen. I let out a great sarcastic laugh and said, “Yeah, right!”

    Good movie from 1953, directed by Ida Lupino. A fair study of a narcissist and his two empaths. Interesting double-meaning of the line “I’ve gotta make my rounds,” said in terms of business purposes, but we find out it means something else, too.

    Check it out if you can—currently streaming on the Criterion Channel.

    1. Dhsaber says:

      After being married to a mid ranger for 14 years, I’m trying to learn to live with out him. But sometimes I don’t know if I want to be hoovered again or not ? I know that’s not the way, I’m supposed to feel.

      1. mai51 says:

        Dhsaber, read about trauma bonds and cognitive dissonance. It will all start to make sense.

        Don’t discount your feelings….. embrace them, accept them, then let them go. 14 years is a long time to be bonded to someone, and unfortunately toxic bonds are harder to break…. for many reasons.

        I find it sad, and ironic, that I was able to let go of my healthy relationships, with stable, normal men, far easier than my two with narcs. Crazy making indeed.

        I read a brilliant article on trauma bonds last week…. HG labels them as an“infection”. The allocation of titles is different, but the premise for why they have such a strong hold on us remain.

        HG, if you’d like to censor the link, I understand, but I have a high regard for this website and blog.

        https://postmalesyndrome.com/trauma-bonding/#comments

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