The Married Target


“Nuns and married women are equally unhappy,” so said Queen Christina of Sweden.

I have not (yet) targeted a nun although I would readily claim to have done so, since an entertaining tale would surely be attached to such an endeavour. It is a different story with regards to married women.

Our kind often target married women and men for the purposes of seducing them, causing them to engage in an affair with us and cause us to put asunder that matrimonial union.

Why do we target those who are married? Given that our kind generally prefer to be pushing on an open door when it comes to the question of seduction and the fact that we like to conserve energy, why we would pick a target which is already with somebody else? Not only are they with someone else but they are married, joined together by ceremony and therefore this coupling has become elevated to the ultimate statement of commitment and therefore ought to be regarded as unassailable.

  1. Entitlement. The world is ours and that includes all those within it. We want therefore we should get.
  2. Lack of boundary recognition Nothing is off limits to us. The institution of marriage is one we respect for the purpose of the facade but otherwise it means nothing to us ( The Narcissist and Marriage ).
  3. Lack of accountability. We might be labelled as a marriage spoiler and home wrecker but what do we care? It won’t be our fault because our narcissistic perspective automatically causes us to advance reasons as to why we have done nothing wrong – “He obviously wasn’t happy otherwise why he did he leave?”
  4. Triangulation. A favoured manipulation of ours which allows for contrast, the creation of drama, pitting parties against one another and of course two fuel streams.
  5. Magical thinking. This includes the triangulation and lack of accountability as we regard ourselves as actually doing a good thing. We are the White Knight riding in to rescue the damsel in distress or the Angelic Soul tending to the downtrodden man. As is often the case we will portray ourselves as the rescuer – at least to begin with.
  6. Omnipotence. Seducing someone single, anybody we choose and of course succeeding, shows how effective we are. Steal that person away from a partner, our power is even greater. Pluck them from a marriage? How mighty are we to be able to do that?
  7. Malice. The cuckolded individual might be someone who has mortally offended us and by stealing something so precious as their spouse, then that allows the delivery of sweet revenge on this transgressor.
  8. Confirmation of empathic traits. A married person is clearly a love devotee. They will be honest and decent because they agreed to this statement of commitment. They subscribe to the institution of marriage which will indicate a good moral compass. They will be caring since they have agreed to be with another in this environment and that means they will share resources, tend for that person when upset or ill and so forth.
  9. Confirmation of residual benefits. It is highly likely that this individual, being part of a domestic set-up will engage in earning a wage, DIY, cooking, cleaning, tending for the other person and similar tasks which tells those of our kind who prioritise those matters that these are residual benefits which are ready to be conveyed on us. There may even be property and financial advantages to sequestrate post divorce.
  10. Fuel. By turning the head of this dazzling exotic creature which is locked in a gilded cage, he or she will be grateful, joyous and ecstatic to be freed and of course the recipient of all this positive fuel will be us, the glorious rescuer. Throw in the negative fuel of the bested spurned spouse and it is a fuel frenzy.

Accordingly, the fact that somebody is married signals to us that there are many benefits and our mind set sees this individual as an entirely viable target.

However, might there be concerns also? I am sure various questions have already formed in your mind as to why we might not regard a married person as a viable target. This may include.

  1. Why choose someone who is already with somebody else? Surely that requires more effort to lure them away?
  2. Is it not the case that Lesser and Mid-Ranger Narcissists are more likely to be deterred from hoovering when their former Intimate Partner Primary Source (“IPPS”) have a new partner post escape/dis-engagement? Does this not apply when seeking a target?
  3. Are we not concerned about reprisals from the target’s spouse, family and friends?
  4. Are we not concerned our facade may be damaged by such behaviour which society generally frowns on?
  5. Would we not be perturbed that if this person can be stolen away from another that that means they will do the same to us at some point?
  6. If someone is willing to cheat on their partner, are they as empathic as we want them to be?

Fair questions. Taking them in turn.

  1. Yes, it will require more effort but our sense of entitlement, unshakeable belief in our brilliance and moreover the rewards that await us mean this effort is worthwhile. Keep in mind that as we are targeting this person we will usually be devaluing our own IPPS an therefore there is plenty of negative fuel to hand to power the seduction of this newly acquired target. We are not in any rush to secure them (our IPPS is not looking to escape and the conditions for dis-engagement have not yet been met).
  2. That consideration is certainly applicable when applied to the Follow-Up Hoover but this is a Seduction Hoover and therefore the condition and context are entirely different. The fear of rejection is not one which is looming large.
  3. No. Our belief in our superiority pushes such a concern to one side. The Lesser will resort to physical violence if necessary. The Mid-Ranger will use this unwarranted (in his or her mind) attack to prove that he or she deserves pity and praise for doing the right thing in trying to set the poor spouse free from their “abusive tyrant”. The Greater will charm his way out of trouble or threaten his own far worse repercussions if anybody tries to get clever.
  4. This is a concern however it is overridden because whatever (unmerited) criticism may come our way for interfering in a marriage, we convince ourselves that it is justified and for the ‘greater good’. This person is unhappy, bored, abused and we are getting them out of there and if you were a real friend you would understand that and help me! (May as well manipulate the disapproving secondary source as well).
  5. Ha ha! Of course not, why on earth would they ever leave us after everything we have done for them? Don’t be stupid.
  6. This is an interesting question and one which merits its own article as to why do empathic people cheat? Suffice to state for the purposes of this piece, we regard their desire to cheat as a necessary ‘evil’ to escape the situation they are in/get to a better place with us and this is a temporary behaviour which will not affect their overall empathic nature.

Accordingly, with motivating factors in place and any potential concerns either not applicable or easily addressed, we commence our pursuit.

Why do we consider that this married target will succumb to our seduction? Leaving aside our belief in our irresistible qualities, our brilliance and magnetism there are a number of reasons why we see it as likely that these people will fall under our spell.

  1. The married targets we lock on to are of course of similar make-up to our targets who are single. Namely they have the relevant empathic, class and special traits as explained in  Sitting Target: How and Why the Narcissist Chooses You . Moreover the people we target are susceptible to being drawn to our kind. They have an inherent vulnerability to our kind and being married does not mean this vulnerability has vanished.
  2. The married target may already be with one of our kind. Thus, whilst the Lesser and Mid-Range will not recognise this, they will instinctively have identified a person who is susceptible to them also AND will invariably be devalued (or is being devalued) and therefore allows the incoming narcissist to play the role of rescuer. It is the case that our kind will steal empaths from one another. The Greater Narcissist will of course recognise one of the brethren and use this to his advantage in spiriting away the empathic married target.
  3. The married target might actually be one of our kind and the Lesser and Mid-Range have not spotted one another. The married target is of course absolutely game for infidelity and whilst the outcome will be the relevant conclusion of a romantic collision between the relevant school of narcissist, the fact that the married target is a narcissist means that the coupling is going to occur.
  4. We see how people’s lives become humdrum and monotonous. We do not recognise the deep-seated bond between two people because we are incapable of attachment ourselves. We do not pay heed to  the stability that some relationships acquire through the passage of time. What we see instead is someone who must be bored with the same routine (because of course we become bored easily and therefore judge others in a similar vein) but our magical thinking means they cannot possibly become bored with us. Whilst we may not play the abuse card, we still see this person as stuck in a rut, fed-up, in need of spice and adventure and of course as the dazzling whirlwind that we are, we arrive and provide that all. Who could fail to be excited by such a marvellous array of glitter, gold and garnish?
  5. People always have something to complain about with regard to their spouse. He isn’t romantic any more, she has let herself go, we never do anything together, she just wants to watch television, he won’t show any interest in what I do, he insists on going fishing every weekend, he snores and it drives me nuts and so on. Whether it is significant or trivial, we will count on these facts and uncover them and use them to our advantage. We will heighten our attractiveness based on this (for instance asking you all about your interest in 18th century literature) and denigrate the spouse’s unattractive trait (i wouldn’t go fishing if I could go to the theatre with you instead). Of course this is just part of the lying and mirroring that we do.
  6. Our split thinking will automatically paint your spouse as the villain of the piece. His concern about where you are is painted as him trying to control you. His friendly demeanour with other women is evidence of his flirtatious nature. Our insidious techniques drip feed dissent and play with your mind. We dangle the golden carrot in one hand and pump toxic lies over your spouse with the other, looking to steadily tip the scales in our favour.
  7. We will readily invent tales of your spouse’s supposed misdemeanours and/or manufacture them. A Lieutenant will be sent to flirt with your husband and we will provide you with footage to show their entanglement (of course we remove the part where your husband tell here where to go). Another Lieutenant will be sent to get your wife drunk or slip drugs into her handbag for you to find later, ramping up our suggestions that she is selfish and tripping the light fantastic whilst you stay at home looking after the children. Why are you putting up with that when you could leave and be with someone who really appreciates you?
  8. Everybody has their price. Nobody is immune and above being manipulated into a position whereby they are seduced by us. Yes, some may take longer than others, but combine the target’s susceptibility, the fact they may be in a difficult relationship, the fact they may be bored or lonely, the fact we are exciting and invigorating, the fact we will manipulate the battlefield so it is always in our favour and you have a situation where it is impossible for someone to resist us. We will secure our married target. Ultimately, if there are those who are impervious to our overtures, we won’t target them to begin with.

The dynamic of the married target and the narcissist also has to be addressed. We may see a ring on a finger of a person in a bar and opt to make them an Intimate Partner Tertiary Source by sleeping with them that night before they slink away to their spouse. We may never bother with them again, but fuel has been obtained, Thought Fuel gained thinking of the unseen spouse wondering where their wife or husband is and the ratification of our power achieved.

More often the married target becomes a Non Intimate Secondary Source. We worm our way in as a wonderful friend, but this is a mere staging post as we hurtle towards bedding them and making them an Intimate Partner Secondary Source. They may be a Dirty Little Secret, a colleague who we rut in the empty offices at work or who scurries away from their spouse under the pretence of attending the gym before meeting is in the back of our car in a shadowy car park. We may have no pressing need to make them our IPPS and therefore we are content to utilise that person as a Shelf IPSS, organising a night away together when he pretends he is on a business trip, or calling in to work on the basis of being unwell to spend an afternoon together. We may bring you into our world, letting you meet friends and family, seeing you intermittently, content to show you our enticing world and then place you on the shelf, leaving you longing for more, pining for us at weekends when you must be with your family and we are engaging with our own IPPS or a different IPSS.

We may hit the motherlode and realise you ought to be out IPPS and as our Candidate IPSS we go all out to smear your spouse, entice you and roll out all our dazzling illusions to show you that you need to leave him, be free and be yourself but with us. We will coax, cajole and entice, showing your the forbidden fruits and the liberation that awaits you at our supposedly benevolent rescuing hand. The more we smear your innocent spouse and the more we shower you with the love-bombing, your resistance will erode. Your emotional thinking will subsume your cool, hard logic as you become swept up in the moment and your emotional thinking cons you as it whispers to you

“You have been a wife and a mother for twenty years, never complaining, it is time you started living.”

“She just interested in sex anymore and you have needs, here is someone who makes you feel alive again.”

“She just takes you for granted. Here is someone who values you.”

“Yes he will be hurt if you leave but he will get over it. You deserve to be happy don’t you?”

Oh the excuses will come pouring and of course we will not dissuade you from thinking in this way. We will say and do whatever is needed to get what we want. Charming you and painting your spouse as evil, awful and selfish.

The simple fact is that all people are targets. Married targets are often even better targets.


15 thoughts on “The Married Target

  1. Littleflower says:

    HG, why does the psychopath who targeted, preyed upon and sucked my husband into an affair hate me? She’s a neighbor, I NEVER did anything to her aside from telling the truth to people after she went around the neighborhood, spewing lies mixed with grains of truth. After the affair came to light, my husband went no contact, and she went crazy….hoovering, manipulating her husband into believing all kinds of crazy stuff so that he was just simmering with rage (very scary), trying to destroy us and our friendships. I know she hates that we are quite happy despite her tremendous efforts to destroy us but regardless…..I have every right to hate her, but she has no reason to hate me!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You think you have done nothing to her (from your perspective) but from her perspective you will have threatened her sense of control and thus that means you have to be controlled in some way. The very fact that you were married to the person she sucked into an affair is reason enough to want to control you. You (unconsciously) exert control over something she had to exert control over. If you want to understand more about your situation, I recommend you organise a consultation with me.

  2. Frenchie says:

    The Nunnery comment reminds me, Tije or pretender, that creep Narc is in Australia at the very moment setting up his former “girlfriend” Michele Madden to first protect him from everyone because for a “ruthless psychopath” he is a mighty fraidy cat pussy, and she is a loud tall trans man who last I new still has a penis. She dumped his assistance when he beat her within an inch of her life but now he wants to win her back. He’s counting on this as then his plan will work as he intends. She Says she lives at a convent and man that’s a fun game he’s counting on for himself. She’s an admin on a recovery site and blogged on her on web page in embarrassing detail a bout their lives 20 years ago. Says she can take on anyone with her knife. As she doesn’t work and considering what she did for a living when they met in the states, she’s surely still hooking with those men who like chicks with Dicks. I’ll never send this butt it was fun . You’ve thrown a couple good ones at him I don’t know that he thinks about u much at all but you have gotten a couple in.
    Ultimately his .g might be of concern. Idk what you think?

  3. Bluewave says:

    Survivor X,

    I personally think there are two possibilities why the narcissist choses unavailable woman (in relationship or long distance):

    1. He targets them as intimate secondary sources – maybe he is looking for a princess as his IPPS but since he can’t find her and also can’t be alone, he targets unavailable women “just for now”, to fill the void. If she is unavaiable, he can get the “girlfriend experience” and also have time to look for his dream woman. And of course, since she is unavailable he has a great reason to discard her and blame it on her. “Your fault, you are married, your faul – you left me for a job i different city” and so on. Oh, and maybe these are easier targets – lonely in marriage, wanting some fun, or as you say – someone younger or lonely seduced through internet…

    2. Second possibily is that narcissist subconsciously knows he can’t keep his mask in place being with a woman 24 hours, 7 days in a week. I think it might be my narcissist because he didn’t even live with his own wife and son! They got married and started to live separately for a few years before the divorce. They lived in different cities, he was spending with them some weekends and that’s all. Probably he likes to have his own freedom (and many different sources) and also a wife waiting for him “in the port”.

    When I was with him I realized he was able to spend with me 2 days (being charming, seductive, funny, entertaing) but on the third day he was acting bored, irritated, sad, distant, withdrawn… I don’t think it was only because of the devaluation. I think he is truly not able to fake charm for long. I think it costs him lots of energy. And he needs distance between meetings to manage the facade, to keep the beast under the control. As you say – he knows that if he spends with you the whole week for example, day by day, you will unmask his manipulations very quickly and you would run away.

    When we started dating and it was love bombing phase he even asked me “do you think you could spend a week with me?” I said “ofc, what a stupid question, sure, why not”. He answeared: I think you could get bored. Or you could see me in bad mood, in those moments when I hate myself. It is not nice for people who are around”.

    It shocked me, it probably was something HG is writing about in “Told you so” article.

    1. Joanne says:

      Very good points. I agree with a lot of what you said as it aligns very closely with the narc I was involved with.

  4. Lilith Arietta says:

    I have never thought of myself as a narc, but perhaps I am. I have been in a relationship with a married man for almost 4 years now and have known him for 4 years prior to the relationship, so we have now been friends for 8 years. We have been living together for about 2 years, since his family moved to another city. He calls me his best friend and is conflicted about staying with me or returning to his wife to have a “normal” family life. He initially painted his wife in a negative light and all the friends I make were once lonely as I. They make the best of friends.

  5. Joanne says:

    My comments from Nov 2018. I remember that evening and those feelings and how you all welcomed and comforted me 🤗 I’d never have come through this without you all.

  6. Kelly B says:

    The narc from my second marriage. He was bringing his married fuel supply home. I caught him on surveillance camera at home. Of course he denied what I saw. Then I met another narcissist he said she was abusive, very overweight and unattractive. He mentioned he was so unhappy. The narc talked of targetting married women And of course he said they all had issues.

  7. Tamara says:

    I think of Mary Poppins as being a nun. She, and I, have many things in common. But, I’m not at liberty to say what these “things” are.

  8. Bluewave says:

    Very interesting.

    My ex narcissist for example targets women who are not fully available. Funny thing, but they all need to move out to another city or live in another city from the very beginning.

    At first narcissist doesn’t see any problem in it. He is “so in love”, he needs to love bomb this person and form a relationship with them. “It will work, because we love each other!”.

    But soon he starts to devalue you because of long distance “if you really loved me you would be here with me”, “I am looking for a real close relationship, not long distance”. “What I have with you is not enough. I want more”, “I am unhappy, I want a normal life in normal every day relationship”.

    Then he discards you and replace you… with another unavailable woman.

    1. Survivor X says:

      Hi, Bluewave. Thank you for sharing your harrowing story. I believe that one of the narcs I was entangled with was similar. He even admitted that he likes to mess with married people. I think that in addition to all of the reasons you mentioned, also the narcissist knows, I believe that someone who is completely available, who lives near them, could much more easily determine what the narcissist truly is. Or, if they want to go for an extremely young person, they may also become ensnared due to lack of experience. This is what my narcissist did. He would ping-pong between these types and triangulate these types among each other. Ultimately, he walked away because I think he was afraid of what my spouse would do as he was dealing with anger issues at the time. I had to keep his full name to myself because had I told him, it would be horrible for all parties involved. Ultimately from my experience, most narcissists are cowards and will walk away from someone rather than face consequences.

  9. empath007 says:

    This is one of my favorite articles.

    A few questions regarding this one:

    1> In the case that the narcissist (upper mid range, greater) would like the married target to become their IPPS OR they are targeting out of Malice to destroy their marriage, if they do not succeed in doing this… how does it make them feel?

    2> “A Lieutenant will be sent to flirt with your husband and we will provide you with footage to show their entanglement (of course we remove the part where your husband tell here where to go).”

    It blows my mind that people do these types of favors for narcissist… HOW do you guys convince people to become involved in all of this? So as in this example… what is it that you would say to someone to convince them to flirt with someones husband? it seems to me the person engaging in that kind of activity would make themselves look like a huge idiot… would it not? I don’t care how manipulative someone is I’m not going to flirt with people on cue… I would feel like a moron engaging in that activity. Which is why I can’t understand it.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. Wounded or in receipt of Challenge Fuel.
      2. Not at all, there are many ways to achieve this. You are looking at it from the point of view of an empath and thus imposing your non-manipulative world view on that situation. Swap that for a Lieutenant who is a narcissist…

      1. empath007 says:

        I try my hardest to see your world view but it’s diffucult for me. I can see how another narc would take no issue… but a normal or an empath. Don’t know how they do these types of things for you guys.

        Thanks for your answer!

  10. Social Scientist says:

    Nice theory. Got a specific case study and pictures to prove your opinions? Or is there a particular Swedish woman with more delusional crying over her presumed cheating husband that she can slander to everyone?
    No lit review? Of course not, cause professional journals don’t engage in gossipy diatribes and butthurtisms.

    But this site engages in this behavior. Passive aggressive character assassination. It’s hilarious cause I and another tweet things to see if they become “proposed assumption narcissistic traits”. Off Twitter. No research. Typical Hollywood blind item gossip mentality. The Kardashian ultimate innuendo society.

    Research is too HARD for HOLLYWOOD people.

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