Why The Narcissist Must Reject Intimacy
Narcissists abhor intimacy.
Why is that? It is an instinctive and necessary response. Intimacy creates attachment. As I have explained in Attachment Is The Seat Of Misery we attach our victims to us, but we do not attach to you. If we became attached to our victims we would not thrive and survive because our fuel needs would not be met as fully as they must be. We must be in a position to move forwards, unhindered, unfettered and unleashed. We must be free of anything which slows us down and prevents us from achieving The Prime Aims.
Our necessity of being able to jettison our appliances in one guillotine action drives this rejection of attachment and thus it follows, we have to reject intimacy. Intimacy creates bonds, it creates links, bridges and couplings – that is all very well when it is done to bind you to us, that is permissible but it must not and cannot be reciprocated.
Take for example a failing Intimate Primary Partner Source (“IPPS”) (a spouse, partner, boyfriend/girlfriend) who is no longer providing us with the requisite fuel, character traits and residual benefits which are necessary to our survival. This person has been idealised, they have been devalued and there has now been a disengagement trigger. We must reject them wholesale, we cannot dally about the task, holding on and keeping them as the IPPS when they are not functioning properly. That is highly likely to cause in all narcissists (save the Greater and even then to us it will still cause problems) a fuel crisis. A fuel crisis would arise because the narcissist would continue to engage with an appliance which is not delivering and the narcissist, if attached in some way, would be dedicating too much time for too little reward. Time would not be available to draw fuel from the secondary and tertiary sources to compensate for the shortcomings of this IPPS. The result would be a fuel crisis or at the least, a reduction in fuel levels which would cause the narcissist to function less effectively and feel the presence more fully of that ever present chasm of oblivion.
The narcissist may have a Candidate IPSS (“Intimate Partner Secondary Source”) waiting in the wings, ready to be crowned IPPS, but because the incumbent IPPS remains, this fresh, functioning appliance cannot yet be locked-on to the narcissist. Thus the narcissist finds themselves in a position of malfunctioning IPPS without being able to draw fully on the bountiful fuel (and other benefits ) of the IPPS-In-Waiting. A terrible state of affairs.
This is the scenario that intimacy threatens to generate. If intimacy is allowed then it will create tendrils that bind us to you and make it all the harder to jettison you at the flick of a switch or push of a button. By rejecting intimacy, the threat of attachment is countered. Intimacy, genuine intimacy can never happen, we are incapable of it and that is why there must be a wholesale rejection of it. Our narcissism means that genuine intimacy never gains a foothold.
Yet, what then of those narcissists that DO exhibit intimacy in the heady days of the seduction, those tender touches burnished with the fiery tinge of the golden period, those hugs, those delicate brushes of skin on skin, the gentle embrace of parted lips upon parted lips? I know many of you will have experienced that and indeed I have exercised such behaviour myself on many occasions – is that not then going to create intimacy and thus risk attachment which will prejudice our existence?
Not all narcissists will exhibit such intimacy. That is a preliminary point. It is far less likely to occur within the Lesser school of narcissist. It will be evident amongst Mid Range and Greater Narcissists. Why does it appear if intimacy is abhorrent to us? Simply, as with all matters ‘narc’, our narcissism causes us to do whatever is necessary to acquire what is required for our existence and supremacy. If that means mirroring your delight in rescuing puppies then we will do it, if that means demonstrating an enthusiasm for Asian fusion cuisine then we will do it, if that means singing along to Celine Dion then… well maybe there are some places we will not go. However, if intimacy is a necessary device (and it invariably is) to securing the seduction of a target then our narcissism drives down and supresses our innate abhorrence of intimacy for the purposes of the greater gain ; namely your seduction and ensnarement.
All well and good so far in using intimacy to ensnare, but where does that then leave us with regard to the risk of attachment and the consequential impact on our needs? Intimacy often appears through seduction. It is not felt, but rather it is administered as a consequence of understanding how the victim desires this, how it is so useful at supporting the illusion and enabling us to bring that victim under control. Of course its application is entirely instinctive (save with added calculation where a Greater is involved) and is achieved through copying what has gone before and is seen elsewhere – between other people, in books, in film, what is spoken of by other people in various forms. The intimacy is manufactured and applied with a skill which causes this counterfeit tenderness to appear genuine – but it is not.
It is superficial and merely a gloss. Yes, it appears to all intents and purposes to be something genuine. It is certainly real because you do not imagine it, but it is not genuine and because, as your emotional thinking surges owing to your repeated and sustained entanglement with us, you do not scratch beneath the surface and accept that what you see is what you are truly getting. Thus, since it is not an emotional response, but a learned one, this renders attachment unlikely to occur. However, our narcissism is not done yet. It must ensure that there is no risk whatsoever of attachment. Accordingly, Stage One is the process of preventing attachment through the application of intimacy in an entirely shallow manner. Stage Two is the process of devaluation.
The application of devaluation means that intimacy is withdrawn. Gone are the hugs either in their entirety or they are replaced by brief, card-board stiff interactions. The long, lingering kiss is taken from you and either has no replacement or is substituted with a brief peck on the lips, the cheek or the forehead. No longer will we hold your hand, no longer will we gaze into your eyes, no longer will we allow our fingers to trace the contours of your body making your skin tingle.
The application of devaluation and with it the removal of the false intimacy is a further safeguard to ensure that even IF there was a slight possibility of intimacy creating attachment, it is totally removed. Devaluation paves the way for an eventual disengagement (if there is a trigger) so that the disengagement is swift, effective and in one fell swoop.
Imagine if you will an escape chute. For this to be effective it must be clear and uncluttered. If vegetation (intimacy) grows across this chute it might block it altogether and prevent a prompt escape or it might be partial and slow and hinder the escape. Thus the false intimacy means that the growth of this vegetation across the chute is minimal, slow and far less likely. Devaluation is the flame thrower which comes along to burn away any encroaching vegetation, so come the point of escape (disengagement) this is totally effective.
Thus, our narcissism rejects true intimacy and applies false intimacy and then removes this false intimacy through devaluation. Accordingly, the rejection of intimacy means that attachment will not happen. Therefore, when our needs dictate you go and are replaced by another or just let go and existing appliances are relied on, the disengagement is swift, absolute and effective. We waste neither time or energy, allowing our resources to be wholly directed towards those prime aims and especially the acquisition of fuel.
Intimacy must be rejected to facilitate our existence and success.
18 thoughts on “Why The Narcissist Must Reject Intimacy”
*altered …. sorry x
I came across a comment you made back in 2016:
‘Intimacy reminds me of the absent emotions and feels like a criticism.’
I realise you are still in the GP with SM and will be ‘enduring’ the intimacy for the sake of bonding (hope that’s right) but if you don’t mind me asking has the new dynamic alerted your view on intimacy in any way, specifically with regards to how the relationship can be maintained long term once the GP is essentially over.
Will SM still not expect at least a level of intimacy, even if you have disclosed your narcissism to her? Many thanks HG x
It remains a criticism, but one I can handle.
That’s good x
I always have a hard time with this article. I get it. I beleive it. But there were two moments that happened that seemed… seemed like he had a genuine emotional reaction, bear with me here HG…. I didn’t say he felt attached, but that he had a genuine emotional reaction.
One example is during one of first kisses his heart was pounding so hard I could hear it, then when I put my hand on his chest I could feel it beating super fast and loud…. there’s no way that was faked.
Could it be he felt powerful and excited he had been able to make a move on me?
That was the effect of fuel or he had taken a substance.
Good call, I never even thought about substance use but he was a heavy user. that likely explains the second incident and possibly this one too (although I think the example above he was sober)
Wow. I feel like that finally clears that up in my mind.
Thanks HG. I needed to hear that answer.
I totally agree about Celine Dion.
BKU, that made me laugh really hard.
Thank you; this explains so much! These stunningly-penned details captivated me in this particular article. I have experienced all of these painful, icy stings in the Devaluation Phase with the Narcissist, and thanks to you, Mr. Tudor, now I understand ‘why’, and what it all meant.
It is difficult to imagine not being able to attach oneself to another human being, or even an animal! It happens so easily- so naturally!
On a side note, I am glad that there are “some things” that you simply will not do … after all, you do have your dignity to think about. 😊 😉 🥰 (I know you abhor Smiley Faces, but I just had to this time)…
Certainly a different way of a relationship.! I’m so happy I found you Mr. H. Again knowledge is power. Therefore an Empath can turn into Narcissist to protect the same that you protect. If that makes any sense
Dearest HG: The Narcissism is incredibly powerful. I am glad that during the Golden Period, there is some magical thinking, some infatuation, some blind spot, that gives you the feeling that at least NOW this is working out with a person. Better than never having that feeling, in any manner whatsoever, because of the overwhelming need to really not attach. I think that empaths and normals carry a latent feeling of hope, even during a declining and even during a failing relationship. Hope smooths things over to give us time to accept whatever is the inevitable. And yes, false hope does need to be reigned in, when realized. However, the Narcissism can not risk taking the existential break and mental time out that hope can provide. That break could cause a devastating fuel crisis, says the Narcissism. Thus, that break and consequently possible failure of fuel sustenance is of course completely and understandably unacceptable. The risk substantially outweighs the reward, and there is truth to that. The rest of us do erroneously attach to the wrong person, and almost destroy ourselves as well. We can learn from you Narcissists to, at the very least, not attach so easily, and to be much more discerning. Of course, easier said than done.
As an Ultra Elite, are you saying you COULD attach if you chose to do so? This article always confuses me. It doesn’t say the narcissist is INCAPABLE of attaching. Only that it must be rejected for the reasons given.
I must be reading with my empath glasses on is all. Thank you for clarifying. (And as ever, dashing my hopes with logic.)
“I am incredibly attracted to you. That’s why I feel the need to withdraw because of the strength of my feelings for you. Of course I’m gonna continue to stalk you and love you because you are beautiful and smart and I love everything you do. That’s why I must pull back from you.” I read this the first time and thought ok, somebody is losing his fucking mind. I protested and said if you have strong feelings for someone you try to get closer not farther away! I don’t understand you! Now I understand.