Should I Get In Touch With The Narcissist
The creation of anxiety and uncertainty are twin concerns which we engender in much of what we do. Both have the effect of stopping you from doing things, preventing you from analysing matters in an effective way and ultimately from helping yourself to escape our hold. One way of doing this is through the Prior Warning Silent Treatment. Now, it is our usual fashion, when applying a silent treatment not to tell you what we are doing. If it is a Present Silent Treatment, we remain in close proximity to you but we do not speak or respond to you. You soon realise that it is a silent treatment but you were not fore-warned. The Absent Silent Treatment is where we absent ourselves from your presence. We may just walk off, we may leave as expected but then stay away or we may just not turn up when expected and it often is a short while before you realise that you are being subjected to a silent treatment, you just think initially that you cannot contact us or we must be busy and it is only later that you realise we are giving you an Absent Silent Treatment,
The Prior Warning Silent Treatment relies on telling you that we do not want you to contact us but it is still not immediately obvious that it is a silent treatment that is being meted out towards you. Consider these phrases, for instance: –
“I will be in meetings all day so don’t contact me.”
“I will be sleeping so don’t call me. I will call you when I am ready.”
“There is a poor signal in the area so I will be incommunicado for most of the trip.”
“I need some space for myself, so please don’t get in touch. I will ring you.”
“I have a lot to do today so don’t call or message me.”
They all seem like legitimate reasons for not being in touch for a period of time but when uttered by us what we are really telling you is,
“Time for a silent treatment and I wonder how long you can cope with it?”
The timing of this Prior Warning Silent Treatment is the key to recognising it. First of all, it is less likely that we will say the things above during the seduction unless they are actually true, but there will be a Comforting Caveat attached to the statement. Accordingly,
“I will be in meetings all day so don’t contact me, but I will pop out and give you a call when I get a chance, because you know how much I miss you.”
“I will be sleeping so don’t call me. I will call you about 8 o’clock. If you haven’t heard from me by then, do ring me.”
“There is a poor signal in the area so I will be incommunicado for most of the trip, so I will find a landline on which you can reach me and will let you know what it is as soon as I can. I wish you were coming with me. I hate being apart from you.”
“I have a lot to do today so don’t call or message me, until 1pm please unless of course it is an emergency, but I will message you when I can because I miss you.”
Notice how there is no talk of needing space. This is because we do not want space from you during the seduction, far from it. Indeed, we will reluctantly accept an enforced absence from you during seduction and if possible try to re-arrange appointments and the like to ensure we spend time with you.
The Prior Warning Silent Treatment is doled out during devaluation and when there are specific circumstances. We do this when we know that you have concerns that we are interested romantically in someone else, that we are spending time with someone else and our motives (and theirs) are unclear. In essence, when we are triangulating you (although you probably will not realise this is what is happening) we will issue the PWST. We do this because it enables us to wield power over you by telling you and controlling you in terms of whether are permitted to engage with us. It also means that you are told there will be a silence (although you won’t necessarily know that it is a silent treatment) from the beginning. We know this will cause you to wonder whether the silence is real and thus your anxiety will begin. You will feel uncertain about whether we really are non-contactable and whether we are doing something else. The problem is, we know you only have a suspicion and nothing concrete.
Accordingly, when you know we are apparently uncontactable you wonder who we are with and what we are doing. This makes you anxious. This provides us with fuel even though we do not witness it because we know how you will be feeling. We know that: –
You will be toying with messaging us to see if it is received
You will be toying with messaging us to see if it is read
You want to ring our mobile to see if it actually rings
You want to ring from a withheld number to see if we answer and if you can discern any background noises
You check our social media profile to see if there have been any updates there when we are supposedly unable to contact anyone.
You are torn between wanting to get rid of the anxiety and find out what is really going on and the risk of getting it wrong and upsetting us. You fear that we have an interest in someone else and we are actually spending time with them. If you do not do something, this time is unchallenged. This other person may not know about you but if you get in touch with us and make yourself known, then you are laying down a marker to the other person and possibly warning them away from us. You will also find evidence of us having lied which you will want to use against us. At this stage you have no desire to be rid of us. On the contrary the devaluation is such that you want things to work out and return to the golden period again, but you cannot stand this uncertainty. You wish you could make a decision but what if we have told the truth and you interrupt us in a meeting? Not only will we furious with you, we may well hold it against you in the future (you are damn right we will). But then again, if we are with someone else and perhaps we know that you suspect and you do nothing about it, we might think you do not care and do not want to fight to keep us? It is quite remarkable the effect uncertainty and anxiety can have on someone who is being made to feel steadily more and more insecure.
All the while we are drawing fuel from this. If we have told the truth, we gain fuel knowing you will be anxious. More likely it is a lie and we are either with someone else or just wanting to be away from you. In either instance more fuel is gathered and we exert our control over you by this Prior Warning Silent Treatment. You have the dilemma of whether you should contact us. What would you do?
24 thoughts on “Should I Get In Touch With The Narcissist”
I’m at the point where I am starting to get in trouble for not “communicating”/ “co-parenting” with both of my Narcissist Ex.
My daughters father sent me an email with about 10 accusations in it. There was no way I could respond to all that, so I didn’t. A few hours later, he sent another email with his attorney cc, and he was like, ‘Why won’t you respond to my questions?!?!” So much drama from the Upper Lesser!!
My son’s father who is a Midranger owes me money, though he thinks it’s the other way around, so I sent him my sons latest medical bill. A $40 bill turned into “$70”, then “$200” then “$500”. Again, how do you respond to such nonsense? You don’t. It never ends. I realize it’s all a distraction from their deep insecurities. Their whole lives are word salad just like their communication.
Thanks for this. Much needed at present, given am currently subjected to stonewalling/silent treatment – again!. This has happened umpteen times over the years. Mines a collapsed narc with alcohol issues. I’m convinced.- it lost it’s job 10 years ago due to the alcohol and as the years have rolled by, i figure also due to his abusive misogyny – he had a female boss. And has a very weird, co-dependent r’shp; financial mostly with his mother. A long story short, i’ve had to remove this guy from my orbit many a time due to personal insults, discarding and of which has always ended with a smear. I have been reasonably successful the whole time we’ve known each other, and he’s admitted jealousy an even hared towards me. I have been guilty of excusing this behaviour due to alcoholism, which is a mistake, but in my defence he has manipulated for years with poor me’s/ mums abusive, dad violent etc has gotten to my beer judgement, But the guy evidently wishes to destroy me as well which is frightening.
I was hoovered again 3 months ago as i was telephoned (umpteen times which i ignored) as he needed ‘advice’ pertaining to care/support of his elderly g’father (it’s my line of work) and so was sucked back in again and after nearly a year of NC after the sudden abuse, lies and smearing . He hasn’t been with new victim, but has taken phone numbers; is provocative with females but has no close friends. He has numerous faces. His family are reasonably well-off; paying his bills, mortgage etc and he’s on welfare. This latest episode is pretty scary as i had stupidly agreed to playing golf with him, so he brought his clubs here, but discarded me the morning we were due to play. I couldn’t give a toss about golf, never played in my life, only agreeing as i was on annual leave. I figure this was to punish me for advising on his alcohol, and just generally being happier. The morning i was discarded (at this point unbeknown to me), and after serious ranting of how much he detested his “abusive” mother, he then actually rang his mother to come to my home to pick him up. She arrived within 20 minutes. Now the g’father’s died, and I rang wondering if he were OK, and what to do with his clubs – I was decorating my flat, needed them gone tbh – i don’t have a big flat. Needless to say I was put on his parents loudspeaker, and screamed at that the line needed to be kept clear. I have also been threatened with the Police for theft. Now am in a predicament (am certain he’s narc – what level i do not know), my anxiety levels are through the roof, so now i’m a nuisance, disrespectful to grieving family, an a thief. I haven’t contacted him since, but he rang twice yesterday, but am never picking up. G’father’s funeral is this Friday, naturally I am not getting sucked in (beside my condolences/support is not required – especially given there’s an estate involved and according to him, his mum was discussing before the old fella died; incidentally I never met him). i’ve been used for money, and discovered he’d been urinating on my carpets. I don’t want to speak to him, call it silent treatment if you lie, but he’s enjoying this. I don’t bother asking myself what i’ve done to him, all I know is how it makes me feel; scared and anxious. He’s always looking for a reaction, he says this a lot. Any advice?
Hello Jane, this is a matter which requires additional input by way of significant information both from you and to you and therefore you are best served organising a consultation.
Hi H.G., I’ve a question.
My ex-boyfriend told me: “My biggest fantasy is to kill you”. He told me that he wanted to feel the pleasure of feeling my life completely in his power and that he wanted to see me die in his hands. He added that he wanted to have the power to resurrect me, to be able to kill me again and again … Infinite times. He wasn’t angry when he told me this, but absolutely calm. No quarrel before that. He explained this fantasy to me to express his will to possess me completely, until to dispose of my existence. (When I reacted with fear to his words, he belittled the gravity of his fantasy and told me that I could not understand him, etc. etc.).
For the rest, he behaved like a mid-range. On several occasions I noticed his sadism. I broke up with him six month ago and started my no-contact. My question is: Could he, one day, decide to put these murderous fantasies into practice? Should I be worried about the possibility that, one day, he might return to look for me and kill me? Could he be a psychopath? Thank you.
Yes. When I was with my ex, we would be out on the town, or just hanging out at his house, and he would calmly say something like he wanted to have other women beat me up. I was always like, “wtf?!?!”
I believe they can kill you. If you have the money, and are really worried about it, I highly recommend that you hire a private investigator to do a background check on him. My ex has a “clean record”, meaning he was never convicted of crimes, so the police, and the courts had a hard time believing he is violent. After his background check, it was discovered, that multiple women have gone to the police in regards to violent crimes he committed against them, but was never charged or convicted. I have since been able to evaluate what to do from there.
Is it normal in these kind of relationships to feel like your being cheated on yet can never actually catch or prove that they are. When I’d raise concerns to our mutual friends no one ever thought she was. This led me to thinking that I was being jealous and crazy yet of course in hind sight looking back her behavior was at best strange. Is it normal to never actually being able to catch these people out. They seem to be able to play everyone around them yet these people never compare notes on what’s actually happening. Everyone gets a slightly different version ofreality but they never seem to get called out or found out. FUCK it’s frustrating. 😄
I went full non contact and it’s the best advise ive garnered for anyone in the middle of all the craziness.
Hello Gary, it depends on the school of narcissist you are dealing with but typically Mid Range behaviours and Greaters engage in the problem you are finding with regard to suspecting that cheating is going on but you lack the proof.
Thank you HG. It leaves one very frustrated because you think you know what is probably going on yet you can’t ever seem to get the exact evidence you require. When I would call her out on the disappearing acts or what you would call silent treatments she would claim that I was calling her a whore. Anyway thanks for answering me.
Understandable and rather than find proof (which would only be denied) exert control over yourself by applying GOSO.
I just wanna say that my intuition was always right. Always.
If I had been cheated on before , or traumatized in the area of trust- it might have affected my intuition- bc then I might’ve been reacting from my trauma and not my gut.
But I hadn’t been traumatized in that arena , and so my self doubt was due to the gaslighting (denial of anything going on, often joking that I’m “crazy” , etc)
Before narcs my intuition was stellar. I could sense the truth (I even caught out my own mom of emotional infidelity before it became physical and I was only 16 and had zero romantic experience). Time with a narc makes you lose faith in your gut.
Healthy ppl/relationships don’t make you even suspect infidelity.
Just in my experience- there’s a good chance every suspicion was correct at least to some degree
Hi Gary & WokeAF,
Same with me. I am 100% sure my intuition was always right with Narcx, even if I could not prove anything.
My suggestion to anyone going through this or any kind of devaluation, once you start feeling bad about yourself or the relationship, period, then get out of there. Pronto! No need for proof. Your feelings, your intuition are proof enough.
In the end, all of the people (I won’t call them “friends” anymore) who thought I was jealous or crazy were proven wrong.
I read this post of HG’s and felt humiliated for my former self. I cannot allow that to happen again. And it won’t happen again as long as I TRUST my gut.
Hope you find peace with all this. HG has certainly shown me the way to my own peace.
All the best,
Did you have the same problem as I did not being able to fully catch them out and getting no validation from anyone around you.
Yes, Gary, Yes! A million times YES!!!
I wish HG was around back then, I would have definitely listened to the advice he gave you above: “rather than find proof (which would only be denied) exert control over yourself by applying GOSO.”
Ultimately, your gut is all the proof you need.
I was with my Narcx for almost 8 years, and I would say I started suspecting he was up to no good from the very beginning.
But my gut kept being overridden by me ‘wanting to believe” that I was in a real relationship. I will never again override my gut.
Let your gut win, Gary, and GOSO.
P.S. I actually did have one person around me who, in a way, validated what I was feeling.
She was a good friend who validated me by cutting me out of her life completely–she couldn’t stand to hear the stories I was telling her about my suspicions, etc. She told me, “I don’t like this guy. He’s acting strange.”
Did she abandon me? No. She just did a GOSO from my drama.
I still need to write her a “You told me so!” letter and thank her for at least trying to help me see.
I found enough evidence to confirm for myself w one though he denied it. The other was unsuccessful in hoovering his ex back in but that’s what he was doing. The close friends I did tell believed me
Gary… also a hallmark trait of narcs is u never are sure where u stand with them. You hear words … but intuition and actions of the narc don’t match up. I was constantly doubting myself like “am i too needy/jealous/ possessive?” But like others said – I knew it was wrong. My previous HEALTHY relationship NEVER made me doubt. Plus we could actually talk things over without a mindf$ck and word salad occurring.
These critters are very skilled at their manipulative tricks. To them it’s life-and-death. Mine always make me feel like I really didn’t matter that much – All the other fuel sources were all just as important if not more so…but then two days later it would be decorations of love and that type thing.
It’s a mind twister. Read HGs ‘toxic logic’. It helps apply reason to a crazy situation.
You make me smile… BECAUSE of the “silent treatment ” , it was easier for me to leave !! I saw it as “Kindergarten behaviour ” !! And after a while, I began to searching ,what could be wrong with him… Your kind thinks that this makes us stay, in my case , it makes me FREE !! Cause I want a real man, not a clown !!
Thanks HG! What would I do? I would block him and go. GOSO
My ET is trying to get the best of me today. I got a hoover yesterday and had no desire to respond. Now today back in my regular routine after a busy weekend I have a strong desire to respond. Ugh why won’t he just stay away?? I’ve been good lately. I can go days without thinking of him.
So… busy weekend and you did not want to respond. Back to regular routine and you do want to respond. The answer seems to be in there.
NarcAngel, you’re right. I’m bored and need to focus. Maybe switch up my routine.
You can do this, Mercy. Stay strong. I know how hard it is to resist but we both know how this ends. Keep reminding yourself exactly what he is after. As tempting as it is to give in and reply – “it can’t hurt to just politely respond,” … you know you’ll regret it later. Hang in there – you’ve got this 💪🏼💪🏼
Joanne, thank you. I’m still good. I haven’t responded. You’re right about regretting it, I’ve been down that road before.