How To Make The Narcissist Return

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To bastardise a phrase, “How does your emotional thinking affect thee, let me count the ways?”

“I still love her and I always will, I miss her so much.”

“I know what he is, but I don’t care, I just have to be with him, there is no point otherwise.”

“I cannot stand to be without him. The pain is too much, so I would rather have the ups and downs than nothing at all.”

“I understand her now, so I can control the situation better so I will not be hurt. I can make this work.”

“Since I understand him, I can explain to him that I do and he will realise and everything will work out for the best.”

“All I need to do is work on pleasing her and asserting my boundaries and we can get through this, love conquers all.”

“I am better than her and he will soon realise what he has lost and he will come back to me, we are soul mates and meant to be.”

“They say if you let someone go and they come back then it is meant to be. That is what I must do ; let him go and ensure he returns to me.”

“I know he has hurt me but I have done some bad things as well, so if we are honest with one another we will sort things out, I only want him and nobody else.”

“I know he is bad for me, but well, it is so boring without him. Nobody else compares to him.”

“I don’t care if he hurts me, I love him and I know he really loves me and that is all that matters in the end. Love hurts sometimes you know.”

All of the above are the product of the fraudulent effect of emotional thinking and a thousand thousand further phrases besides. I have heard so many and read even more. I have no doubt you can think of similar utterances and proclamations.

So, if the bond is so tight and the pain so awful that you cannot bear to be without the narcissist, why not make him or her come back to you after they disengaged from you. They wanted you once, they seduced you and goodness, how did they seduce you! Those magical, mesmerising days of golden, beautiful, flawless perfection. If only you can return to them. How might you go about achieving this? What steps can you take to ensure that the narcissist returns to you and not only returns but stays? After all, you know they are a narcissist now, you understand why he or she operates as they do, you recognise the manipulations and you are confident that you can handle the narcissist so that not only are you not hurt but so that you do not lose them. You have gained the power through knowledge haven’t you? Now, all you need to do is cast that magic spell to make us come back to you. What can you do to guarantee the return of the narcissist to your arms, to your home, to your bed?

  • Provide that positive fuel. Provide the narcissist with that reminder of the glorious and potent fuel that once drew us to you. Let it gush and fountain from you, with your praise, love and admiration for us. Do not hide it under a bushel, let it appear in vast quantities and often. Drown us in your positive fuel.
  • Make those traits of yours which we expressed admiration for shine and appear prominently so we see what rewards await us by coupling with you once more, so we can claim those traits once again. Make sure that your achievements are noticeable – that promotion, that recent big client win, the articles printed in the press, the new followers for your work and so on.
  • Ensure that the residual benefits are available once again. Have that house open to us whenever we choose, make it clear that money is available, let us know that we have a house keeper who will cook, clean and care for us, let it be known that yours is ours, that your contacts are accessible to us for our use, that we can plug into your networks once again and attend those prestige events. Whatever those residual benefits are, make it evident that they are ours for the taking.
  • Demonstrate penance for everything bad that you have ever done. Make it clear you were at fault and that we were not, recognise your shortcomings and apply the suitable mea culpa mea maxima culpa so we know your contrition is genuine.
  • Remove any obstacles. If you have a new partner, ditch him or her. Drop the restraining order. Obviously destroy the no contact regime. There should be no fence, wall or barrier to our glorious return.
  • If we have been bad mouthed in anyway, make sure this is overturned. Ensure that family, friends and colleagues speak well of us, correct any ‘misunderstandings’ they may have acquired about us and create a fertile ground for the growth of our new and improved façade.
  • Look and be your best to cater for the relevant cadre of narcissist, be it somatic, cerebral, victim or elite. Ascertain which we are and cater to that by adjusting your appearance, behaviour, outlook etc to align with what we want.
  • Demonstrate subservience once again and your willingness to submit to our authority. Be strong to the world at large, if that is the way you are, but ensure we know that you will roll over and want your tummy tickled by us on our return.

Those are the key grounds which cover the various matters which you need to attend to if you are looking to make us return to you after you have been disengaged from so that your pain and misery is swept away and you can embrace the wonderful new Golden Period Mk 2.

Will those steps detailed above guarantee our return?

No.

You can never ever make us return.

Why?

This impossible outcome, much as you want and long for it, can never be guaranteed to happen for three reasons :-

  1. We are the controllers. We control, you are controlled. You do not tell us what to do, you do not make the decisions for us to obey, you do not bring about a situation because you want it, it happens if and because we want it. You may make the situation more appealing to us, granted, but even so there is never a guaranteed outcome. We must decide if we are to return. It is not even whenwe return, but if. It may never happen and if it happens it is only when we decide and on our terms. Not yours. You cannot compel us to these things. No matter how inviting you make it, no matter how much you place yourself on the sacrificial altar and declare that you will do anything and everything for us, it is not guaranteed to work because we must always have control and that means we must be the decision maker; and
  2. You do not know what else is occurring in our fuel matrix. No matter how well you tempt us with the creation of what you think is an inviting scenario, someone else in our fuel matrix may well be outshining you. If we have a new IPPS and we are in that golden period with them, there is NOTHING you can do to affect that. Our fuel needs may be met by a variety of appliances and therefore there is little need for you. You do not know the extent of our fuel matrix, how it is constituted, who is in it and what roles those people take. You do not know how much fuel is provided, how often and to what potency. You do not know how the character traits are supplied nor the residual benefits and because of this lack of knowledge, you can never have any guarantee that we will return to you.
  3. Our split thinking. If you are painted black, you are painted black and no matter what you do to try to shift that perception, you are not guaranteed to be able to do it. This means that you go can be superlative in your provision of fuel and all else but ultimately it will be scorned because your treachery (as seen by us) obscures and denigrates all that you do. You will remain black until we decide that you are white and whilst you might cause us to regard you as white because of something you do, you should note that

a. That still does not guarantee our return to you because of points 1 and 2 above ; and

b. Your turning white is usually as a consequence of someone else in our fuel matrix turning black and thus you have no control over that happening and when.

Furthermore, you may become painted white but you can soon become black very quickly and you have little control over how that happens.

How can you make the narcissist return to you?

You cannot.

You may want it to happen because you are being blinded by your emotional thinking. I understand that and you can tell me all the reasons why you want it to happen, how it will be different and so forth and I will shoot down each and every reason with ease.

You cannot make us return to you and one day, when the emotional thinking clears and logic prevails you will accept this and say

“I do not want the narcissist to return – because he is a narcissist.”

You will have then begun to seize the power.

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102 Comments

  1. I think Lorelei and HG like each other 😊 now HG’s kind as he refers to other narcissists will never run dry of fuel supply as long as people like Lorelei still exist. HG says don’t engage with their kind and you still do that means you haven’t reached that point…the point of no return

    1. Nonto Majola

      This is a blog about narcissism and moderated by a narcissist. It is to be expected that there will be some engagement with HG and with others for those who choose to, and we all learn from observing that. That is rather the point of the blog – to engage in a place where you would not be able to access the information safely otherwise.

      1. NarcAngel
        Comments (assumptions) like Nonto Majola’s are quite interesting. There’s no evidence that Lorelei and HG like each other.

  2. I had a 3 month sext-bombing (it was never love) with a distant friend I didn’t know was a narcissist. It was all online, except the one day it wasn’t, which was also the day devalue began. It took me 6 months to figure out what was going on. Now that I know and I’m able to detach all emotion from what happened, I want to find a way to get back some of that 3 months of fun. If I ignore him, he comes around with a banal message to see if I answer, which I do in an equally boring way. My question is do I wait for him to send something suggestive or is it up to me to do that and then quickly go silent to keep him intrigued?

    1. You apply no contact. You cannot control a narcissist successfully, it is emotional thinking to believe to the contrary.

      1. I thought I had to drop crumbs to let him know I’m still interested so it doesn’t hurt his ego to sext me first with the potential embarrassment of me turning him down. I just want to have fun once in a while; I’m not really trying to control him.

  3. Jeez, I never want him to return. I need an article that tells me how to make him leave me alone for good.

    1. You cannot make a narcissist do anything.

      You go no contact and you work to achieving Zero Impact.

  4. No disrespect intended, Sir… Your kind is hazardous. As obliging, collected, charming and talented you may appear, you are still an emotional time bomb. Yet no word would do justice to my thankfulness toward your valuable and delectable works.

  5. The list feels very welcome read the other way around, as we know now what Not to do, if we want peace.

  6. Dear HG, my friend just said to me “you draw the nicest people for friends, but why do you draw the demons in relationshps??” I told him “I don’t know”, can you please tell me why? Thank you HG.

      1. HG, would it be fair to say that most female empaths have female Ns in their inner friendship group but fail to realise because of their position within the fuel matrix?

      1. Whitney—I have some really nice lady friends too but I’ve been snagged by narcissist females at times as well as the men. I prove irresistible to vampires and it appears we share this condition.

        1. Dear Lorelei
          My friends are empaths or super empaths (they are funny).

          I find narcissistic women, void of deep emotion, love or morality, to be boring. What are we supposed to talk about? I can’t be friends with someone with no depth.

          I’ve been drawn to one or two thinking “she wants acceptance, she is insecure, she needs help” and I’m nice but not friends.

          But with narcissistic men… I’m blind or totally accepting, and we are drawn like magnets to each other.

          1. Same—magnets with men. I’m not happy about it but it’s a fact. This whole empath thing is somewhat “queasy making” for me at times because I’m a jerk often and I think there is a lot of self promotion with labels! I like a good energy though and women who are classy and self restrained for my inner circle. A vivacious quality is desirable but I’m picky who I spend time with. My relationships are shifting though—I accept less and less nonsense.

    1. Lorelei,
      For your hair…you have to try a packet of “Hask/Greek Yogurt Deep Conditioner,” on Amazon…not referring to the brand’s shampoo/conditioner (which is probably good too)…anyway, after typing that name in the Amazon search bar, you will see a single packet of the Hask (hair repair) “Acai Pomegranate & Cranberry” (glorious!)

      Even for healthy hair, it is great to do once or twice a month. I swim a lot, and I ❤ this product. There’s also a 3-pack of the same packet product in blueberry, which I have not tried. Relatively speaking, the packets are expensive – but not really, because you don’t use it daily + I can get 2 treatments out of one packet (or even 3, if just doing my ends or whatnot) . Your hair feels (and is!) amazing after.🙌

      I’m risking mocking, to come on & tell you this. ❤

      I’m gone now, so I won’t see the mocking.😘

      1. Haha—thank you. As is becoming clear I am quite the Amazon girl. Jeff Bezos should come over and I’ll probably have sex with him for discounts. (He’s not super cute so I need money for it) I’ll check it out.

        1. Lorelei,
          Boundary alert! Way too high a price! JB can give you discounts JUST for the privilege of smelling your delightfully fragranced, deep-conditioned hair… ’cause that’s not creepy.😂

    2. Lorelei,
      Oops. I just commented on your hair woes, but I’m not sure I put your name on the post, as I’m half-asleep (like nobody will figure out who I’m talking to anyway😂). I don’t know where my post will land…but it will be somewhere on this thread! 😎

  7. Yes I really don’t want him anymore My biggest question is how to stop him from wanting to come back or at least stop with the hoovering it’s getting old

  8. Dear Mr Tudor,
    Have you seen the series “The Loudest Voice” with Russell Crowe as Roger Ailes…. Fox News chief? Its compelling viewing starring “narcissism” in full play ?
    Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      1. Dear Mr Tudor,
        There’s only 7 episodes ….you may even get a buzz out of it and it could prove a potential blog discussion
        Just a thought
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

        1. Thank you. The list of recommended series for HG is longer than Lorelei´s recent receipt, but I appreciate the recommendation. I may get SM to watch it and report back!

          1. Lorelei is too tired to take the kids shopping today to generate another receipt, although they have asked repeatedly. I’ve over extended my obligations this week!

          2. It is because my best friend is worried about my hair health and she told me I must prolong between real shampooing. The dry shampoo can create a buffer. She recommended Batiste but upon reading it appears it leaves a white film. So, I messaged her and they make a version for darker hair with no white film. She knows all products to guide recommendations but the reviews hold facts.

          3. Well I read the reviews and couldn’t wait for 24 prime delivery and went to the store. They had one can left and I bought it. There is a nice fragrance and no white film for the dark hair version. It pleases my senses. Amazon is a wealth of joy. Additionally, the customer service messaging feature is divine. It’s more effective than a suicide hotline at 4am.

          4. Its sweet but I’m not sure if it lasts. My usual dry shampoo had been L’ange but I didn’t feel it had the right kick to it. It also didn’t have a scent really. Fortunately my friend is very somatic and has been able to provide guidance/support.

          5. Jesus—I had to spray it again. Almost like a pleasant flower I would say. The true test will be using it Sunday—my next non shampoo day. I can provide a true report Monday. It was only $7 so if this stuff works it’ll be like a “kill.”

          6. But what type of flower? Jasmine differs from Lily of the Valley which differs from Gardenia which differs from Sweet Autumn Clematis and that differs from Honeysuckle.

          7. None as I know all scents. This is a manufactured pleasantry. I hope SM buys a cat and you have to change the litter box. I just had such an animal walk on my head waking me up.

          8. She does not like animals in the house. Any that venture in will be shot.

            What type of cat walked on your head? Why did it walk on your head?

          9. A gray cat that has a knack for waking me up when his food bowel is empty. He was a gift from a narcissist believe it or not. She doesn’t like pets? You two were made for one another.

          10. She likes animals but not in the houses so HG approves.

            Bad grey cat, naughty grey cat, into the wishing well with it.

          11. We adore fluffy cats. The other one kills animals though and brings them inside dead. I pay the kids to clean the bodies.

          12. The kids are learning a useful skill set, I may engage their skills once honed.

          13. At summer camp? NA had good ideas for activities. One dead mouse cost me a $25 iTunes card but I dropped the price after this event. I was desperate but I think I can handle mice now because we had a few I killed in traps in the garage. We have a field nearby and they come in during cold weather.

          14. Consult with me, I will improve your negotiation skills. The barrel of a gun is most persuasive.

          15. I sold my gun. I’m left with a knife. It was a 44 something and was horrible to shoot—it created quite a “kick.” I need a replacement. Any recommendations?

          16. It was a 44 special. I am awake now. It was too robust for my liking. I need a smaller one. A really hot narcissist at my work wants to take me to gun shooting place and I’m trying to stay away from him because he’s beautiful and I’m weak. I need to pray for strength from whoever the Gods are. He’s only using this ploy to groom
            me and I know it and he knows it. Am I ever going to like normal men? This is so life changing.

          17. You guys should be on the Long Distance Loneliness thread shouldn’t you?? Your chat would be just pitiful if I weren’t cracking up and enjoying it so much!! Kudos for funny!!

          18. Dear Mr Tudor,
            I can very much understand your increased workload demand …. you’re just too good …. hehe
            As we watched this show, your writings on narcissism were highlighted to a tee
            Roger Ailes makes Harvey Weinstein look like a novice

            There is also a film, Divide n Conquer : The Story of Roger Ailes, we are yet to view
            Extremely insightful viewing into the big corporate world, politics, narcissism and a sexual predator
            Thank you for responding Mr Tudor and SM’s view would be most welcoming indeed
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          19. Dear Mr Tudor,
            I’m hanging onto every word here ….this is waaaaaay too good …. best laugh today
            🤣
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          20. FYC,
            Thank you about my gravatar. I think puppy dogs are a good symbol for empaths. Loving and loyal. And the gray cat in this thread says cats are a good example of narcissists (but we adore them anyway) lol.

          21. Kel—I adore the cat. He won’t let me hold him though but he frequents my presence often and will even lick my arm. His nose runs and drips when he licks my arm, I’m not sure why.

          22. Hmmm Lorelei, it sounds like the gray cat is giving you a bath- typical narcissist insinuating that you need one, just a projection I’m sure, and the runny nose is probably just him laughing to himself as he smears his snotty nose on you- it balances the good he’s doing with bathing you. But seriously I knew a couple of sibling cats once who would contently lick your arm forever and you just had to sit there and wait for them to finish, something to do with them having been abounded as babies.

          23. He has a calming effect on me. I adore him. I’m heading outside to wash dogs now!

          24. I’m glad for you for having the gray cat then, that’s sweet, you just have to put up with rude awakenings when his food bowl’s empty. Yes empaths or dogs can be high maintenance, but we’re all worth it! Have fun.

          25. High maintenance yes! All three dogs were just washed—their play pen linen washed and they have their Amazon purchased body spray on!

          26. I won’t ask what flower they smell like, Lol, as HG did with your hair! Lucky happy pups to have you!

          27. Oh it’s Fresh & Clean floral scent. (Check Amazon) To be allowed in the house I can’t do smells that are bad. I brushed them too.

          28. It’s funny you say that about high maintenance. I really thought I was in the wrong place for quite some time. I thought it was a bunch of women running around covering men with lotion and fanning them. I was like wtf for quite awhile.

          29. You’re so funny Lorelei! Slathering lotion on men? I’m sure some of the ladies fantasize about things like that in between reading and commenting, lol.

          30. Kel—I hate WordPress as I can’t see what exactly your reply is in reference to unless I go through the entire thread! Usually I recall from the little caption I can see. I do know that there is not one human being I would rub lotion on though! F*%# never. (Unless it’s sunscreen on someone unable to do so properly and NOT at a water park!!)

          31. Kel – “abounded” ? No, I think you meant the kittens were “abandoned “ 🤣

          32. Good to see SM isn’t in devaluation, HG. Hope all continues to go well!

          33. Dear Mr Tudor,
            Whilst we’re here all chit chatting, haha, our son is currently in London
            Do you or the lovelies have any recommendations of special interesting tomdo or places to visit, apart from the usual touristy icons
            Perhaps a helicopter/plane ride !!!!!! 🤣
            With Kind thanks
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      1. Well the hair situation is immense. I have an oily scalp, but I have to add marula oil to the hair in large quantities (just not the scalp). My friend wants me to train the scalp to be less oily with less washing. It’s complicated and I’m working on this.

          1. Supposedly by washing less. It’s got me up at night clearly. I ordered jade green earrings and bagel seasoning though so there is that. The bagel seasoning is for eggs, it’s a secret only found on Amazon.

          2. Is the seasoning for the bagels or is it the taste of bagels to be applied for eggs. I need clarification in this regard as I am on the edge of frenzy.

          3. It’s Hilltop Everything bagel seasoning with my phone randomly capitalizing words. It’s for eggs and really has nothing to do with bagels. It’s scrumptious. The earrings took me browsing 100 pair to locate “just the ones.” The inspiration coming from Angelina’s famous red carpet emeralds. They share no resemblance of price point or style as it simply became a quest for the color green. Sorry to keep you on the edge of your seat as I fell into a slumber. Was it Angelina or Brad with the touch of narcissism? We deserve to know.

          4. Why is it scrumptious? Do you season the eggs prior to frying, scrambling, poaching, beating or do you sprinkle the seasoning over the finished product akin to how I sprinkle my magic over everything I touch?

            Which Angelina? Angelina Jolie (narcissist) Angelina Grune, Saint Angelina of Serbia?

            How long did it take to browse 100 pairs of ear-rings and were you doing anything else at the time?

          5. I was at work with no patients of course. This was a collaborative effort with some friends as it required opinions. Angelina Jolie—google her emerald earrings. She is a narcissist.. Brad too? I eat a daily omelet so the seasoning is for the eggs as they start to cook. I also throw a ton of onions in my omelets.

          6. If you had no patients does that mean they were all dead or nobody had presented?

            Ah, Angelina Jolie, thank you for clarifying. She is a narcissist. Bradley is not.

            Listerine.

          7. I would let Brad wake me up. Refreshing to know. No one dead, it was a slow evening. We prefer they not be dead, although we are good at reversing this state. Did have one unstable person but only briefly. Listerine? I actually use it three times daily.

          8. I am pleased you use it given the onion fetish.

            May your breath remain every fresh.

          9. Have y’all seen the new Quentin Tarantino movie with Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio? Brad is so yummy. It’s a good movie. (But only if you’re a Tarantino fan.) Like all of his stuff. It’s on the weird side.

          10. Hg, is that the nose blowing device which SM has sprayed her scent on for you!

        1. Lorelie, have you tried No Poo? Or bicarb soda? If your issue is oily hair, then I wish you the best of luck. Ha ha, I have a few yarns to speak about where that is concerned.

          Hg, smells a bit like fried potatoes – you know that scent when you walk past a fast food place? 🤣