The Importance of Binding You To The Narcissist
One of our central aims when we have targeted you is to bind you to us. During our seduction we create this magical place and invite you and only you to inhabit it with us. We build a fantastic place and place you on a pedestal in the centre of this artifice. It is very difficult for you to realise this is a fallacy and even harder to do something about it. Every day, every hour that you remain close to our influence allows us to create more ties, more connections and increase the extent that you are bound to us. We make you feel fabulous, worshipped and loved. The dizzying, whirlwind nature of our passion is unlike anything else you have known and you readily accept it. It is of course not informed consent. You have no idea what we are, but nevertheless you accept all of this wonderful treatment. You allow us to permeate every aspect of your life. We draw you into ours and make you feel special and privileged for being allowed to do so. Consider how we penetrated your every network so everywhere you turned we were there.
We knew all your friends, we ingratiated ourselves with your family and got to meet your colleagues. We knew all the places you liked to go to and introduced you to some additional ones. We made sure we knew every favourite thing of yours, from books to plays to food. Your wine rack became stocked with the types of wine you preferred, your wear the jewellery that was bought for you after careful solicitation of what you deem pretty and I occasionally arrive bearing a new book from the stable of authors that you enjoy to read. Bit by bit I invade your life and as our relationship progresses at light speed, the gradual, creeping advance of my influence has actually gained more than a toehold. It has spread across your territory like some formidable weed that cannot be held back, covering and smothering. My clothes hang in the wardrobe, I have my favourite chair at your house, you now buy the cereal that I prefer to eat in the morning even though you think it is just a mouthful of sugar. You now wash my socks, my songs populate the iTunes playlist and the bathroom is testament to my occupation with the bottles, razors and accoutrements mingled amongst yours. You cannot fail to see my influence all around you, but you welcome this and from it you gain a great happiness. From dating, to staying over, to co-habiting and on to marriage, this inexorable march of sudden and frantic seduction, although this is only ever apparent with hindsight as at the time it was the right thing to do, results in our lives entwining as I wrap my tendrils around your life and drag you tight against me. So many links, connections, lines and ties between you and I.
These ties keep you in place despite the abuse that is to come. It is sudden and bewildering but you will not give up easily. Not only did you say those vows, you meant every word and we know this. You will not let what we have built up crumble to dust. Admirable as your fortitude may be, you may as well stand on a beach and command the tide to halt its own unceasing advance for all the good you will do. This will not stop you trying though. We know this. The ties are many and they are tight so you will not run for cover at the first administration of a silent treatment. You will not down tools and walk away when the shouting continues long into the night. You do not pack a bag and leave it in the hallway, sitting on the stairs as you wait for us to return, late at night, from whatever tryst we have been engaged in. You keep going, bound to the hope that everything will be good once more, that the golden period will return. You hang in there, you battle, you demonstrate misguided resolve as we lash out time and time again, drawing the negative fuel from your distress, dismay and disarray. You will not let go. The connections are too many. Our behaviour is reprehensible as we open up front after front after front against you, leaving you confused and crushed. We twist, blame, push and pull yet you will not waver. No matter how many times we knock you to the floor you keep coming back for more, dragged back onto your feet by the ties that bind you to us.
Then one day you remove yourself from our toxic influence or in some instances you are removed. Those ties remain but there is an elasticity which allow you to escape us. To be taken away from the acidic words and vicious schemes. The insults, the violent rages, the isolation and the denigration may have been halted. You may no longer be subjected to being spat at, your hair pulled, your money withheld, your social interactions curtailed and your self-esteem trampled underfoot. You may have escaped the daily devaluations which came at you in so many different and unedifying ways but your ordeal is far from over.
You may not have our furious face shouting into yours anymore. You may not be sat cowering behind a locked bathroom door as we pound on it demanding you come out. You may not lie crying in a bed made to feel empty by our absence. You may not stand outside the study seeing the glow of the monitor within, under the door and wonder who we are engaging with online, that knotted sensation in your stomach inducing sickness. You may have escaped many of these manipulations but the ties that bind remain.
The bond we have created with you is so strong, so deep and so far-reaching that every day you will feel a vast void at being parted from us. You will excuse the abuse as you hanker for those golden days. You will feel like something has been ripped from you by our absence. Even though you know how terrible we have acted towards you, you will still suffer that sense of illogical loss. Every day feels empty. You wonder what we are doing, who we are with and whether we are thinking about you. You see our presence all around you still, people still ask about us, you collapse on to your bed burying your face in that t-shirt we kept under our pillow and you still smell us on it. You drink deep of the scent, hoping the nagging pain will recede, that somehow you will be magically restored to where we once both were, when we were happy. Your run your fingers over the tub of hair wax which we left and you remember watching us as we carefully applied it. You cannot bring yourself to discard it, clinging on to these reminders of the joy that once abounded in these walls. You pass the bookcase, touching the spines of the volumes we bought for you, the words and letters all further reminders of our presence here in this house. You miss us you miss us so much, you shouldn’t do, not after what we have done. Not after the vile treatments you have suffered. It makes no sense that you should feel this way but you do. You ache for us, the ties that remain are still being pulled and yanked, even though we are not there with you. The searing pain rises as another reminder appears, the tie still strong. Unlike an umbilical cord which provides life, your cord to us continues to pain you. When will this end? When will this agony recede and be replaced by something else? Would it now not even be better to feel nothing? To be numbed and anaesthetised so you do not have to endure this ongoing pain.
The bond we create with you is so powerful, so deep and so long lasting that it is often the aftermath of the ties that bind that hurts more than the abuse itself. That is how dangerous we are.
17 thoughts on “The Importance of Binding You To The Narcissist”
Do you think that whilst some of your readers seem to have a genuine interest in NPD
that for many, and I include myself in this, you have become almost a surrogate narcissist for them.
Would a true sign of healing and moving on with life after narcissistic abuse be NOT looking at KTN 500 times a day.
I’ll be honest with you, your website is usually the first thing I check in the morning and last thing at night.
I myself generally speaking have a well balanced, busy life, but yet here I am, every day, reading,
reading, reading and have been for a few years now.
Is this in itself an addiction do you think HG?
Your thoughts would be appreciated.
I am a surrogate for a very small number. The majority use this resource as the best place for information and to then provide that foundation for recovery. Repeatedly coming here is not problematic, it is useful for many reasons, too numerous to mention. It is how the information if used which is key. If someone comes here merely to keep repeating what has happened/is happening to them, it is not this place that is the problem, it is the fact they are not applying what this place provides. Most people come here to learn, to then interpret what has happened in accordance with this work, to revisit it to gauge their progress (hence the reposting of existing work), to contribute with their own thoughts and experiences, many people use it as a daily dose of logic to remind themselves of what they left behind/what they need to leave and why they are doing what they are doing. Furthermore, my work is not only constructive it is fascinating to read in its own right and many people find it intellectually stimulating in its own right. Others also want to harness this work and use it more widely. Finally, you get to engage with me and what can be better than that eh?!
‘Finally, you get to engage with me and what can be better than that eh?!’
Thank you for your time, as always HG.
@A383 validation. That we aren’t crazy. Well we are, but aren’t… lol
Well said, HG. Another great comment from the owner, the author and the Creator of KTN – The World’s No.1 Resource About Narcissism. It is a really good explanation, especially in relation to users to be able to “gauge their progress”. I reiterated to my friend recently, that my original decision to join KTN as my form of therapy in regard to my experiences at the last ***workplace and my past was the ‘correct’ path I needed to take and was proved to be the correct route of ‘therapy’. At the time of my joining KTN, he stated, I hope it’s the right route for you. He trusted my judgement as he always had done 🙂
***workplace that he and I both worked at – so he knew “them” as well as I did, albeit he is more ‘savvy’ on “them” than I was. But he was never ‘ensnared’ in the sense of the word. He is not a ‘fan’ of the higher-ups at work. He’s too knowledgeable and valuable for “them” to fk around with – he’s a strong believer in supporting the vulnerable people. He is a good man. So are you, HG 🙂 (thank you, for your work xxx).
This is so very true. Everything in my life was permeated with him, my furniture custom built, the walls painted, steps to the deck cemented with his hands, plants potted, speakers installed to play my favorite music, security cameras of course, the pictures, letters,even the beach that had been mine for 20 years; now his playground to which I won’t return. A complete permeation; one that I had welcomed. There was not a step I could take in my own territory that had not been stepped on by him.
It took a few cycles of those disengagements and hoovers (for me anyway) I’m afraid, to finally become horrified and angry, then numb enough to autopilot through the process of throwing away,giving away, burning things, his precious things, shredding, blocking, packing, driving away. Then when the pain comes again the invisible cord is a little weaker, still there but weaker.Sometimes I see a glimpse of it and catch myself when I think “what would he think if…” But the relief from the absence of abuse is far greater than the relief I got from the drug of my narcissist.
As a DLS/Shelf IPSS, I feel that my entire life has been permeated with him as well. There are memories in places he hasn’t even been with me yet. I cannot close my eyes without seeing his face. When the memories come flooding back to me it is like an avalanche or a tidal wave. And I’m an IPSS. No wonder the wife stays and tolerates him. I continue to fucking stay and tolerate him. He is everywhere. I can’t even get to know other guys without comparing his looks, voice, personality etc. that was another article I read that said that you want to be our Alpha and our Omega. Well guess fucking what? You are. I feel like I should change my screen name to “forever binded shelf fuel”.
I am starting to think they only cure for me is to erase my memory like the movie “eternal sunshine of the spotless mind”. 😢😔
Well my ex’s wife died of cancer after 20 years and 6 children with him. Her only way out I suppose. Apparently I was the next chosen as the adult kids and mom loved me, warned him to keep me, asked me to give him more chances. I made it four and a half. Thankfully I kept my house and majority of finances separate. Yes it feels like it will be like that forever, yes you will see his face everywhere and hear his voice, probably forever, but it won’t always hurt. Ypu must take steps to disengage first and you are taking first one by being here.
It might be good if you also refer to yourself as something other than shelf fuel to start. Despite your programming, you are an individual.
SF well you won’t know if you don’t do NC.
Don’t you want to know if there’s another life out there ? (There is). My truthseeking was what ultimately did it for me. I couldn’t stand to go the rest of my life NOT EVEN KNOWING who I coulda been without the narc.
That’s what got me away from the babydaddy also. The not knowing.
Hi there Shelf Fuel,
I know you have been here a long time – I have read your posts and really felt for you in the past but not yet touched base.
As a Shelf IPSS or DLS the N never put you first. You deserve so much better. Is there a part of you that doesn’t want to be his amenity or convenience? Those memories you have of him, how much of that is fantasy and how much is grounded in the reality of him being worthy of your ongoing personal investment? As a person of integrity who is trustworthy and invested in you, what would you rate him on a scale of 1 to 10? What is the impact of that like for you?
When you compare others to him, why is he the person you feel will make the best partner, father or friend? Do you have doubts about him? Can you dance with the doubts, explore those when you lie in bed late at night? Can you put the fantasies safely to one side to consider a future where you are locked in time with someone who doesn’t and is not capable of loving you? I want the best for you because you only have one life, just one.
If you continue this pattern over the next 20 years, what parts of you will be fulfilled and what parts will be left wanting at the end of your life?
I ask these questions because I am curious about the block for you – the part of you that holds you back from focusing on freedom from this nightmare? The part of you that finds it okay to be stuck in a situation that is hurting you, time and time again.
I apologise if you find these questions invasive and by no means do I have an expectation you will answer them, I ask only for you to consider them, which you may well have already done.
Anyhow, I wish you so much happiness and freedom in the future.
Well said Sarah! I actually think it is just as hard for shelf person because there is there is more fantasy. You are more, deserve more. It will not, he will not and can not change. You can change this.
Yes, it is an excellent point about the fantasy Cyn. We are all guilty of this otherwise we wouldn’t have maintained feelings for the narcs – the reality of these relationships are far from a dream.
Fantasy can be so addictive in nature; the contrast of reality is not always as inspiring. Emotional vs logical thinking goes hand in hand with reality vs fantasy (the real and the imagined relationship).
“Fantasy can be so addictive in nature; the contrast of reality is not always as inspiring.”
This makes so much sense. I became close with Piano Boy during my divorce. (That process lasted for damn near 2 years). We were friends for about 7 months before there was a drastic shift in our interactions with one another. I was hesitant at first and I did resist but eventually he knocked my walls down. He numbed the pain. I really thought he would have eventually been mine. But he says he will never leave her and that he would die without her. I have more I could share about all of this but just sharing what I have typed thus far has already ripped me open again. It is so painful when he ignores (shelves) me.
Cyn I am so sorry you had to endure that – so proud you’re free!! HUGS
Thank you. I am lucky I got out sooner than some. But he’s always waiting as he said he would. He’d be seething of course. Especially since I gave away that guitar. 😉Another good reason to GOSO lol 😂
I have escaped. But he left property behind. Ran my fingers over his signature on the estate planning documents I have to revise now to exclude him.
So many puzzles. I have hundreds of pictures showing how happy he was, how he was allowed to be himself with me, and how much fun we had. He still destroyed it.
I don’t miss him, though, or long for him or yearn any longer. I’ve reached the depression stage of my grief, so I’m just sad, but the addiction remains and so my fingers across his signature. Last night, the rain–he would have been outside with me getting soaked and braving the lightning. I am not numb. I am not anesthetizing. I am getting through it.
Someone new is in my life who will play in the rain with me, and who will not harm me or self destruct just for fuel. I go on to have real love again, while the narc will not ever know love and will have to juggle his harem all his life and suffer cessations when they discover his treachery.
I put the papers with his signature through the shredder.
Sorry, Narc, but I win. I’ll keep my promise, though. If such is possible, I will come and rescue you from hell after we die.