Empathy and Irony
Many people state that my kind and me lack empathy. I don’t like that attitude. First of all it amounts to a criticism and I am not to be criticised. Secondly, empathy is regarded by some as the ability of blurring the line between self and other. The handy dose of empathy pictured above underlines this. In fact I am amongst the best at blurring the line between self and other. I am a champion at it. One of my killer lines of seduction is to declare
“I don’t where you end and where I begin we are merged into one.”
If that is not a blurring of the line between self and other I do not know what is. I repeatedly explain that I see people as extensions of myself, they are objects that become subsumed within what I am as I swallow up their identity and use their traits as my own. Blurring of lines? I would argue that that is an obliteration. By that definition I am absolutely oozing empathy aren’t I?
The third reason that I do not like the suggestion that I lack empathy is that empathy is the ability to understand the feelings of others. Again, I understand the feelings of others to a high degree. How can I manipulate those feelings if I do not understand them? Some of our kind instinctively behave in a manner which causes manipulation. They do not have much thought behind the process but they act in this fashion because it is all they know. It is all they have been conditioned and programmed to do. They do not need to consider what they are doing because it just happens and then the manipulation unfolds. Those of us at the greater end of the scale of narcissists do consider what to do in terms of our manipulation. We are always plotting and scheming as we reflect on the best way of manipulating you to do what we want and provide us with our precious fuel. I sit and consider the most effective ways of wielding my devilish toolkit in order to provoke and engender the most rewarding emotional reactions from you. I work through the schemes and machinations as I dream up new ways of provoking you. I analyse your life, what you do and what you say and then work out how I can then use that material to make you react.If I did not understand how certain things would make you feel, how can I know how best to manipulate you? I understand all about your feelings because I watch you and I observe and I remember. I have done this many times to your type and therefore I have built up an acquired knowledge of the ways that people such as you will react. I sit and consider what I can do to make you hurt, make you cry and make you frustrated. I know you so well I know exactly which buttons to press. I know which emotions to coax from you and because I understand this I know precisely what to do to achieve this. For some of you a cold front of silent treatment will make you pour forth that fuel as you frantically call and cry, worried as to why we have stopped speaking to you. With others a prolonged period of triangulation brings out the emotional response required because you always compete with someone or something that you perceive as a threat.
The fact you show your feelings so readily is joyously received by us. You provide us with a manual from which we can learn. We can mimic your emotions so our fakery continues to draw you in, make you feel sorry for us and have you focussed on us. Your exhibitionism in this regard allows us to understand which emotions run deepest in you and also the ways in which these emotions can be brought to the surface. We have to know how you feel so we can then influence how you will feel. I understand your emotions. That is demonstrating empathy is it not? Would you now say that we lack empathy?
You cannot say that we do not care about your feelings either. We care about them because we need those feelings because they provide us with fuel. We need to know that you will feel and show those feelings to us. We care very much about your feelings as without them we would be denied our fuel and that is fatal to us. We care about your manifestation of those feelings and that they are directed towards us. What we do not care about is their effect on you. That is of no interest to us because it serves no purpose to us. If you are left anxious, unable to eat or sleep then all we care about is that your anxiety is shown to us. The impact on your health and well being is of no concern to us because that does not provide us with fuel. It is not our role because of the way we are to make you feel better (unless of course that is required in order to obtain further fuel) but it is our role to make you feel so you give us fuel. We have no interest in the day-to-day or long-term effects of how you are feeling just so long as you can keep showing your emotions to us and giving us fuel. We have nothing to gain in alleviating your sadness. We have no interest in offering solutions to make your pain and misery go away. That is the brutal truth.
Don’t say however we do not understand how you feel. We most certainly do because we have to know this in order to exploit your feelings further. Indeed we often make you feel that way on purpose so we know exactly how you feel. We need to know the best way to pull on your strings and this means understanding how you will feel and react. So that is empathy for you indeed. Who would have thought it? Empathy from the devil. How ironic.
13 thoughts on “Empathy and Irony”
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Has it ever occurred to you that you are actually very co-dependent? The survival of your tyrannical ego depends on the emotional outpouring of others to survive.. isn’t that the very definition of co-dependency?
With respect to empathy, empathy isn’t just the ability to recognize another’s feelings. Empaths feel your feelings as if they were ours. If you felt the anxiety and confusion your so called appliances felt, you wouldn’t cause it because it would reverberate throughout your being like a flu virus.
Research has uncovered that those with NPD have the same mirror neurons as empaths, so I agree that you can identify feelings as well as an empath can, but that doesn’t qualify as empathy. Sorry.
Ew, people actually find “I don’t know where you end and where I begin we are merged into one” appealing?!
Elena,
I remember when I had been with my N the first month. I commented to my friend that “I just want to melt into him”. I could feel myself being, for a better word, absorbed into him. So when the relationship is in the golden period, I can completely understand people finding that very appealing.
I understand and love the feeling of being connected deeply with another but becoming one is a bit ridiculous to me.
In a healthy relationship there is me and you and then us. Two overlapping, distinct domains. Not one amorphous blob of co-dependency.
The way I see it, there isn’t much difference between an empath believing it is their job to coddle a narcissist and a narcissist using people – both are trying to complete themselves with others. Both can’t stand to be alone because of the inner turmoil.
You must complete yourself. Trust me that truly loving yourself warts and all is so much better than what a “soulmate” can offer you. When you come to love yourself, any imitation is quickly identified and brushed aside. Additionally, the loss of a relationship isn’t catastrophic when you genuinely trust and love yourself first.
Our bodies and unconscious minds know what’s right for us way before the intellect. For those of us who are adept at feeling people’s energies, it is critical to trust the veracity of that gut reaction. Do not make the mistake of thinking your high-tech antennae is giving you false data about someone. Let go of the habit of talking yourself out of what you already knew.
Stop trying to quiet the insights empaths have just because the world doesn’t understand it. Western culture puts logic and proof on a pedestal and discards other forms of knowing.
Someone who doesn’t love themselves can’t love you and if you don’t love yourself you can’t tell the difference.
Kim,
I can understand how he could make you feel like that, during the GP…but mine spoke something similar (re: absorption/melting into), which gave me a jolt. Fairly early on in the FR (while we were kissing) the narc whispered: “I feel like I can’t get close enough to you…I want or be under your skin.”😳
I knew something was really wrong with that! It felt threatening, not romantic…major red flag.🚩
Yikes! That reminds me of the show V. Comments like that support my hypothesis that narcissists are in fact very co-dependent, just another form of it. A very sick form.
The fact that they need “fuel” from others to feel validated isn’t any different than a codependent needing to feel loved to feel worthwhile. The terms might be different, but if you look closely, the dynamic is the same.
To me a narcissist sounds like an avoidant dismissive with antisocial motives. Regardless, they need people to feel alive. Otherwise they feel restless, empty. The one I was close to constantly complained of boredom and a manic need to keep moving and doing.
HG tries to spin this as being superior but the truth is that being truly strong means that one is whole despite the circumstances. I have yet to understand how someone can pitch being an emotional vampiric crack head as being a superior form of human. I suppose this is where the delusions are at play.
It’s true that narcissists have empathy—cold empathy. This uncanny perception is used to torture others, not to help to heal others. Emotional empathy has the power to do heal, just as intellectual empathy or cold empathy is used to harm.
Idk if you are being facetious, but I’ve wondered the same thing. You all know what feelings you are evoking, very well. You are more highly intuitive than most (you have to be). Do you think you crave those emotions (seeing them in others) because you can’t feel them?
Don’t you get fuel when you Hoover and alleviate some of your targets’ pain? Relief-fueled passion of “things are ok now” is pretty hot.
Hmmm. Mebbes aye, mebbes naw.
Mebbes helpful to explain what we mean by empathy – and separate out the different “kinds” of it…? There’s a difference between *recognising* (intellectually comprehending) the emotions another person is feeling and actually being able to experience the full range of emotions, and act because compelled by compassion. I’m interpreting your post here that you experience empathy intellectually; I’m making the leap from other posts that you’re unable to act out of kindness/compassion because you don’t feel the feelings that would motivate you that way.
But…!… found this, early days but indicates possibility some narcissist persons may be able to learn this. Note that the subjects don’t feel the empathy *automatically* – that’s the difference.
Learned empathy is cognitive empathy and is what narcissists use. I recommend you read The Empathy Cake also.
HG- I rambled about this a bit on an unrelated Instagram post.
I think the actions listed in this article which point to calculated acts to provoke the victim are really done instinctively by most Narcs (lower and midrange) so really aren’t true empathy or the understanding a persons feelings- The narc just knows how to get the desired reaction.
Empathy requires ability to put self in others shoes and alter behaviors to allow the target to feel good and for a person to help genuinely soothe them. Also requires remorse/conscience and ability to change bad behaviors. ?
I also mentioned how my ex narcs “learned empathy “ rang false, felt robotic, and stiff/formalized sayings. Plus bounced off of other bad treatment- hard to really feel the love.
I’m somewhat mixing topics but found your information in one Youtube interview regarding Borderline Personally Disorder and females versus females with NPD so amazingly on point and logical.
It TOTALLY makes sense. I never thought how society would be heartbroken to realize there are WOMEN who are not nurturing and caring but instead are harsh, selfish and narcissistically disordered so they picked another disorder to assign to women(Borderline)
Also your assertion as being expert on NPD is spot on. Most Dr’s focus all over the place on mental health etc you’re focused on npd. The DSM is frighteningly lacking in that it cannot easily be pinned to actual NPD behaviors and manipulating- your work translates it easily and clearly. It may be a bit tilted to the male grandiose view- but your understanding is excellent.
Thx!!
Indeed and thank you for your kind comments.
Interesting.