A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 114
Him:
Niki,
I’m sorry to bother you, I just have a couple of things to say.
No matter what’s going on in my life not one single day has gone by where I don’t think of you, and wonder how you are and hope you are doing OK.
No matter what happen with us I don’t think you ever knew how much I really loved you and loved being with you all the crazy shit.
I just don’t want you to think it was all for nothing.
No matter what happened you and I are the only two people who truly know our feelings and what we had.
I’m still a walking hot mess.
Probably always will be. Lol
There were so many good times in our relationships, I have never forgot those.
Sadly there was a lot of bullshit and hurt as well. And a lot of those situations I don’t think I dealt with very well.
I’m sorry for that.
I’m sorry for all the bullshit and the hurt.
Never my intention.
When you came to my house back in November or year to the day of our break up ironically when you called I was back up in the treehouse, The same place I was a year ago that day. I thought my heart might explode.
I’m sorry I didn’t answer the phone, even though what you had to say it would probably rip me apart.
Three times.
Hate, anger, and grudges are terrible for the soul, especially towards someone you once loved.
I think it’s never too late to say sorry.
We both did things that hurt the other.
I’m sorry for that.
These are words that I should’ve said to you along time ago.
I’m sorry that I didn’t.
I’m sorry that we are wandering this world apart.
But, that in itself can be freedom and adventure. I hope you are finding both.
I can’t think of the band right now but that song sorry, streaming through my head. Buckcherry, I think.
We had the most crazy passionate wild relationship I have ever had, I’m sorry we couldn’t tame it to our level.
I hope you hear and feel these words.
No need to respond to me, it’s just stuff I want to say to you, and should have long ago.
I wish you well, and happiness.
You were, and are, one of a kind, Niki.
I always knew that.
One last,
Sorry.
Michael
I can’t tell you how many times, HG.
And, just within that text, so many triggering strings of words.
I believed we were twin flames – that was the only way to make it all fit together, the “runner/chaser” dynamic. I held so tightly to that, and the notion that love would conquer all.
I stumbled upon your blog in early 2017, in the midst of a discard… Searching for answers… did tons of research. Still, I didn’t want to believe it. I gave him one last chance. He’d come back with a ring, and a whole slew of promises.
I see now that he was a karmic soulmate.
Hell bent on teaching me one fuck of a life lesson.
I felt it coming, this hoover. I know when he’s fixing to come back. We always seemed to have this strange energetic connection.
I waited a month to respond, watched silently as he went through the motions of what he thought would be enough to worm his way back in, yet again. All of it, without coming physically closer than driving by my house.
All that bravado.
Deep down, he’s a pussy.
He’s already in what looks to be a serious relationship with someone from my town (lives 45 minutes away).
Ass.
I know her. Want to warn her.
But, I know – it won’t do any good.
It goes beyond the reaches of my better judgement to respond at all.
I trust you understand the weight of that sentence.
Letting it be at the words you sent could be considered close to perfect.
Bittersweet.
Even romantic.
Flowers spread over the wreckage.
Of what was.
What could have been.
But, doing so would fail to honour all that I am, what lives within me – the girl you had – and oh, you had her – but, never really invested in knowing.
Head and heart – always the most beautiful war.
There’s a part of me that never wants to see your face again.
And, another that longs for that last dance.
That last kiss.
Let me be clear that this is not an invitation to re-open the lines of communication.
Look, and drive by, all you like.
But, keep your distance.
I owe you nothing, especially that of the thoughts on my mind, however, and for the sake of honouring where we’ve been:
You know (underline that) how much I loved you.
A part of me will, evermore.
Of course, I think of you too.
There are things that will always remind me of you.
There are places that make my heart reach for yours.
There are images I’m sure will never leave my mind.
And, when I run into something that I know you would appreciate too, well…
But, it’s never served me well to place faith in your better-late-than-never-
What you sent sounds so familiar to every other time you’ve circled back with your tail between your legs.
You’ve always been so good at telling me what I want to hear, and proving that you lack the substance to live up to the words you speak.
I am your fool no more.
Though it may never be too late to say you’re sorry, when it comes to you and I, it’s not enough.
I’ll grant you my forgiveness.
But, I will never forget.
It would take far more than an apology, more than I’ve known, and witnessed you to be capable of, to see yourself standing – once again – anywhere near my good graces.
You’ve crossed too many lines.
Were beyond reckless with a heart that only wanted to love you beyond logic and reason.
Make no mistake, there is a difference between holding a grudge, and standing firm in one’s experience.
I’ve no regrets.
I’ve learned so much from, and because of you.
That’s the thing about soul contracts/mates.
No matter which category they fall under, their purpose is to teach us, to bring to the surface all we need to heal.
No matter what transpires, the connection – on that soul level – endures.
So…
Thank you.
Thank you.
A million times, thank you.
For the beauty. For the damage.
For the good, the bad, and the ugly.
You have no idea just how you’ve shaped me, and I will be eternally grateful for that.
Strange to think that 2 days from now, we could have been married.
It would have been 7 years.
Happy 14th.
I’ll take a moment, crack a beer, throw on Sometimes on a Sunday, dance without you, and toast the memories, what was good (because when it was good, God, it was so good, but it never outweighed the bad), and the high hopes I had for us.
Maybe even allow myself to miss you.
Then, I’ll remind myself that, “Knowledge of poisons is essential.”
And, get right back to being free.
Yes. I am enjoying it.
Re-learning just what it means, and all that it entails.
Very. Much.
We’ll always have the radio Gods, Michael.
Be well.
Under the same sky,
•N•
5 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 114”
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Thank you Niki ! 💌
Wow! I have received many mails so so similar from the Narc, it is incredible….
Tomorrow it will 30 days no contact… first time I manage to stay away and dont react to any message…
If you are receiving messages from the narcissist Maria, you are not in no contact.
Yes this is awesome 😎 exactly what I feel thanks for sharing HG ♥️♥️
Thank you HG for publishing this and Niki for writing it! Well said!So true, firm boundaries are not grudges or bitterness. I still have a letter, almost exactly the same. It’s kept in a sealed box with all the other bullshit. Not as a reminder of good things; but a reminder of torture, lies, abuse, gaslighting, and all the reasons I will never let go of my boundaries.