The Dirty Dozen
Well, I wouldn’t describe her as a bad person. Not bad per se, but I suppose she just was unable to handle my popularity. After all, I cannot help the fact that people are drawn to me can I? Naturally I always reassured her. I suppose being so young she was always going to be insecure but there is only so much that one can do about that I suppose. Terrible thing jealousy. Makes people do things they really ought not to. She hasn’t really ever let go to be frank, no, I know, even after all this time.
Sometimes you just get it wrong don’t you? I mean, normally I am so good at reading people but I completely got it wrong with this one. Talk about doing a good job of hiding your true self. She was sweetness and light at first and seemed quite a relaxed person. I think that is why I was drawn to her after the possessiveness of number one but I realise now it was just for show. Such anger and all the time. My god, she could power a city with the furious rage she gave off. I thought at times she would explode. I had to make myself scarce many times to stay out of her line of fire. Still do in fact.
Grade A lunatic. The whole nut job routine. Talk about out of the frying pan into the fire. If I thought number two was bad with her foul temper, then number three was even worse. Seemed like a quiet person at first, the ideal antidote to Miss Furious but beneath that sweet smile and butter would not melt façade this was a conniving, scheming, manipulative harridan. I honestly expected she would break my ankles in order to keep me where she could keep an eye on me, you know, just like the film version of Misery. Thank the lord for a fast car and a fast lawyer, that restraining order is worth its weight in gold believe me.
Alcoholic. This girl could drink even me under the table and I can handle my drink. Tequila for breakfast, wine for lunch (times two) and vodka before dinner. Like a stick she was, barely ate, but she could put it away. Months after I had her removed from the house (long story short pills plus booze plus psycho do not go well together) I was still finding half-drunk bottles of Stolichnaya and Finlandia hidden around the house. I must admit, I still shudder if I get a whiff of Pernod.
Ice maiden. Now I am always one to respect a lady and her body. Yes means yes and no means no, I am totally with all of that, but this one, well, yes meant no and no meant never. Believe me I tried to prise her open, you know, overcome whatever it was that had her coiled tighter than a watch spring and colder than a glacier but even more well-known warmth and hospitable nature floundered when faced with the Queen of Winter. What appeared elegant and serene just became a frozen wasteland. I can usually make anybody melt but not this one and after all, a man has needs doesn’t he? It is not too much to expect some relief is it from time to time?
She wanted to be my mother, I kid you not. Seemed like such a caring person at first, warm, considerate and after the other five degenerates I thought to myself, okay, she isn’t your usual hard body but in all honestly, where has that got me so far. Not that she was ugly, far from it, just a little different from my usual tastes. So, I thought that she would make a welcome change but she took it too far. Making me packed lunches even when I told her I was having lunch with clients, putting out my clothes for me to wear in the morning even when I wanted to wear something else, answering for me, re-arranging appointments for me in case I over-tired myself, suggesting I take a mid-afternoon nap and so on. All done with that weird smile she gave me. Fruitcake.
You know me, I am a great listener, always have been. I am always ready to listen to people because I am interested in what they have to say, I put other people first and so I have plenty of patience but this one, good lord, she just would not shut up. From the moment she woke up her mouth started flapping. Even talked in her sleep, which was not really a surprise. Talked while she ate, talked when I was on the ‘phone, talked to me through the bathroom door when I wanted some privacy, talked during sex and I don’t mean dirty talk but discussing whether she ought to buy a new pair of shoes. The day she got a sore throat was a day to rejoice and kick her into touch so she couldn’t protest.
Katarina Chaos as I used to call her. This woman was a walking disaster area. Habitually late which always irritated me, clumsy (my dry cleaning bill soared), always forgetting things (went through four mobile phones in a month) and a magnet for misfortune. If there was a puddle she would always manage to step in it even when it was harder to do so than to avoid it. She would get trapped in the tube’s doors, lifts would always breakdown with her in them, her car would not start and she would ring (on the most recent mobile before she lost that) explaining her latest mishap. Endearing lady, no doubt about it, kind and amusing, but just so disorganised. Put the wrong bins out at collection time, turned up in formal wear on dress down days, it just became embarrassing and whilst I am not rigid about these things I do like to be organised. Amazingly she was a project manager, I know, I nearly choked when she told me that.
Psycho. Always wanted to know where I was. Kept ringing repeatedly and asking me to send her a photograph of where I was to make sure I was where I said I was. Most unnerving. Would turn up without warning and she had that uncanny ability to just sidle up unheard and be at your shoulder. Holy Toledo, it would make me jump. I swear she put a tracker on my car given the number of times she turned up at places even though there was no feasible way she ought to have known where I was. I used to be up and down through the night checking through my blinds and expect her to be stood outside staring through the window with that thousand-yard stare. Very worrying.
Control freak. All her DVDs were in alphabetical order. All the tins in her cupboards had the labels facing the same way. Had to take your shoes off when you entered her house but get this, she made you wear a brand new pair of slippers each time to walk around inside which she then burned afterwards. What a weirdo. Nothing out of place. Always wanted to make decisions for me. No fork ever ventured into the knife section in the drawer. I daresay she ironed the sheets in the bed after we made love and I caught her timing us when we did hit the sack. I should imagine she had a spreadsheet which she compiled on her computer of the orgasm versus number of humps ratio. Wanted me to sit in a particular place whenever I visited and would never let me in the study explaining that it was a “controlled environment” whatever that meant. Mind you when I tipped a rubbish bag through her letter box I think she got the message that things were not working out for us.
You are amazing. I adore you. I am so lucky that I have you and you listen to me, it is so wonderful to meet, finally, somebody like you. You have no idea what it means to me to be able to talk to you like this and to tell you everything about what has gone in the past. I really do appreciate it. You are so open-minded and tolerant and it puts me at ease, it really does. I know some people would not like to hear about their partner’s previous relationships but I have nothing to hide from you and I know you will not judge me for it, it can only make you and I stronger because I truly appreciate you.
Number eleven? What a ballbreaker she was. Never listened to me, always commenting about me, even when I tried to explain things to her. Jumped to conclusions, never let me finish what I wanted to say. Oh and so judgemental too which was really hurtful. Slated my other relationships. Yes, they were not perfect, that’s why they ended, but she went overboard in her critical assessment of them and it was obviously done to make me feel small. Still, you are not like that are you? Thank goodness.
And that’s how the dirty dozen unfolds (okay it’s way more but you get the picture).
34 thoughts on “The Dirty Dozen”
I’d be 11. And I don’t think I was significant enough to have been smeared so does that mean I remain 11 on the shelf?
This is toooo scary. Those poor women. Talk about smear campaign. Sure they never knew what hit them. No wonder people go insane. It takes a master manipulator to create those half truth and make them so convincing. This blog is such an eye opener. Thanks for another life changing post.
You are welcome.
My biggest regret is not finding this blog two years ago when I almost lost myself and thought I would die from dejection. I literally felt physical pain that would not recede, and the longing and the questions haunted my thoughts day and night before and after NC. I just could not stop myself and the misery would not end. The last straw was when I experienced the pure callousness, almost hatred, when I again begged him to help me with NC by staying away. At the time I knew nothing about narcissism. All I knew was that I reached rock bottom and could not help myself. Finally I went back to my faith and I called on God to save me and he did, and so the addiction receded. But still there was so much confusion until I found you Mr Tudor. This blog has lightbulbs going off each time I read a post and now there’s danger of developing another addiction, lol. The good thing though is I now want to share this knowledge with others and help children who are abused or neglected. It frightens me to know that people like you actually exist, when I thought they were only in the movies. However my simple belief tells me that if the creature inside can be created, it can also be undone. If we could only find a way. In the meantime I will stay far from the beast so that am not devoured.
HG Ice Maiden sounds like a Narc to me, so does a few more in the dirty dozen. Perhaps you collided with some of them? Interesting from your perspective. I might add.
It is called smearing, Pati.
Got it ! Thanks HG
You are welcome.
Reading this brilliant article brought back a memory of a remarkably bad first date with a person who was a wannabe entrepreneur in IT sector. He called himself CEO, although his company was in fact non existent – he had another job to make the ends meet as he confessed on the first date that we had. A red flag – false representation, grandiosity.
But what really put me off was the fact that 90% of the time spent on that date he was talking constantly in a very disrespectful manner for his ex girlfriends; he was never married, in his late 40s .
Another huge red flag. I personally don’t discuss my ex or any past relationships with the other guys that I am dating.
It is a common decency do not belittle former partners, lovers, etc.
He didn’t say anything positive for at least for one of them.
Apparently he was seeing in me a huge potential for a serious relationship, having children within couple of months and live happily after.
I am going to skip all the flattery – another huge red flag was that he ..texted me whilst on the date ! No joke – we were strolling around the CQ and he offered to grab a coffee. I waited outside and bing , a text from him , straight to the point “ nice legs” . I thanked but I was less than impressed.
Needless to say I politely declined all further dates with him and blocked and deleted his number.
Anyone trying to gain merit by ripping on the flaws of exes (especially to someone they’ve just met) should be tossed directly on the fire. It says to me that they have nothing to offer but blame, have no respect, and are still fixated on said person, or why would they even come to mind? It also says that this person thinks you will accept such small mindedness as commonplace. Congratulations you have just received your first insult from them. Too many people get away with it. They should be asked: what does that say about you? I worked with a guy who did this all the time and people would gather around to listen to his tales. Disgusting. One day I asked in front of his crew: How is it that you are so unlucky to consistently get these women who are crazy and deluded and why haven’t you caught on?. What is it about YOU that causes you to pick them, or that YOU do that causes them to be this way?
We can speak up for other women in these circumstances by ending the conversation.
This is wonderful, NarcAngel. Thank you. I do think we have the obligation to speak up for other women when we can — and when doing so doesn’t present a risk for our sanity.
Forgive me, I should have said people and not women. Bad habit I’m trying to break.
and I am embarassed to say that I didn’t object too strongly when he called his wife a bitch and said that neither his mother nor his sisters were very smart, nor when he put down practically every other woman we both knew in some subtle way or the other. Of course, that was because he told me that I was different. I was willing to ignore those red flags, and I can’t make any excuses for that. But I have learned — you should see me now as I begin to date again.
So true NA. I experienced some of that but was in denial.
Hg I’m guessing this smearing of the exes was triangulation from the start? My MR was in chaos mode when I was targeted and he did this too- abt the recent ex wife.
If the former IPPS is smeared to the new IPPS, yes that is triangulation.
The other day, I had to walk past the room where my husband and narc were chatting. I could hear narc smearing some poor unfortunate to my husband. I couldn’t really hear what was being said, and I wasn’t interested, so I didn’t stop to listen, but I recognised his tone of voice and realised somebody was being slandered. It never stops. Who it is can change week by week, but it never stops.
I don’t know all the details of your story, but have you, or could you, use that to distance yourself and your husband from him? I mean telling your husband that you find him hard to be around as he is unnecessarily cruel and slanderous towards others and that you find it hard to believe most of what he says? That you fear (both you and your husband) will be cast in a bad light by your association with him?
It’s worth a shot I suppose, so thank you for the suggestion. My husband is incredibly laid back about gossip, and most of it goes over his head. He was probably partially zoned out because narc is always moaning about somebody and it’s just the way he is. I am acutely conscious of it because I recognise was it is. It’s just an unconnected event to my husband. I will definitely try and work it into the conversation though, so thank you! X
Funny you should mention Misery, HG. Being with a narc after a while is much like having your ankles busted to keep you in place. One can get so broken as to keep them immobile; mentally and physically unable to leave, and in a state of misery.
I imagine it serves more than one purpose to tell these stories, besides smearing them, it also draws in fans who love being told secrets and being trusted and confided to, and it also just gives you something to talk about that’s more fun than the weather or the news. It’s just plain fun to make up things that aren’t true and stab someone close in the back and then lie to their face. It’s one thing to not have any guilt, but what about not having any class.
And yet we know full well that they’re doing the same thing to us when we’re not around.
Oh he has definitely done it to me more than once
Let’s be honest. Narcs aren’t the only ones who smear. I’ve seen plenty of it from empaths regarding the other targets in the fuel matrix. It’s anger understandably but damaging all the same.
It’s not the same when empaths talk down someone as when narcissists do it. They create some crazy-ass stories against you that hold a grain of truth to make it believable. They do it to take the blame off of them. That anyone would actually believe them is a testimony to their con man skills.
I’ve found myself putting down others to the narc only, and only because he was putting me down and comparing me to them.
But pointing out truths to everyone about someone is a good way for an empath to earn a narc smearing.
Yes. I learnt that lesson the hard way too.
NarcAngel, You are absolutely right. The other fuel sources are being manipulated too. I don’t think there’s an empath out there that hasn’t acted in a way that isn’t normal for them when engaged with the narc. I will never like the other fuel sources because of the circumstances in which we were thrown together, but I don’t blame them because the are no different than me.
Good read! It seems very likely that an ensnared empath would float between many of these numbers/labels throughout the course of interaction with a narcissist. Do you believe this to be true?
I do not believe it to be true. It is accurate.
I KNOW it to be true. I just never bothered to make a note of which one I was on which month/week/day/hour minute.
I love this series, thank you!
😂😂😂 I was number 11. Great blog. Thanks!
Not sure but think none of them are an Empath?