Dr E explained that he wanted to discuss with me the issue of regret.
“Have you ever regretted anything?” he asked.
“No,” I answered promptly.
“I see. What do you understand by regret?”
“It is a feeling of sadness or perhaps disappointment over something that you have done or failed to do.”
“When have you experienced that feeling?” he asked.
“If I tell you that most people have regrets, which ones would you remember?”
“Which of their regrets would I remember?” I asked. He looked up at me over the top of his red and black note pad and raised his eyebrows.
“I haven’t had any,” I repeated.
“Why do you think that is?”
“Let me see. Probably because I have had nothing to express regret about. The absence of something tends to be the reason why you have not something, wouldn’t you agree?”
“Okay. Now in your many explanations to me you have explained some of the things that you have done. Yes,” he noticed I was going to interrupt him but he kept going, “I know you detailed those at my behest and I appreciate you sharing that information with me. Those acts of commission and omission led to people feeling angry with you, hurt and upset. Would you agree?”
“Okay. Now I would suggest that one might feel regret at having caused those people to feel that way. Would you agree?”
“You might feel a sense of regret Dr E but I do not.”
“Why is that?”
“Why to which part? Why you might feel a sense of regret or why I do not?”
If he was irritated by my pedantry he was not showing it.
“Because I am not at fault. In all those instances it is the other person’s fault.”
“How about some examples?”
“Okay. Kate’s dog went missing. Do you remember me telling you about that?” He nodded. “If she had cared for it properly and given me the attention I deserve it would not have been lost. Christopher who was fired from his position, he was incompetent. Emily kept asking me the wrong questions so that is why she was treated in that way. Sophie kept asking me what I was thinking so that is why I lost my temper and smashed her television. As for Paula, she was late so I walked off and left her to find her own way home. Do you want me to go on?”
“No, that is sufficient.”
“If people tried harder, if they were more thoughtful then this would not happen. I can do it so why not they? I will tell you why. They become weak and complacent. They think that they can not invest any energy into our relationship, whether intimate or not, any longer. If you do not feed something it will wither and die. They brought it on themselves and they are the ones at fault. My reaction was perfectly natural. I was entitled to respond the way I did. They cannot judge me, they have no jurisdiction to do so, certainly not when they let me down every single time. They bring it on themselves with their weakness and their whining, their reluctance to do what is needed, what I need. It sickens me doctor, it truly sickens me. Have you any idea how difficult it is to find someone who retains my interest, someone scintillating enough to match my brilliance? It is impossible. I try Dr E, I bloody well try to I offer them the world in the hope that just this once they will match my expectations and not let me down. It always happens. I am always let down. She did it the first time and then it happened again and now it is repeated. Why? What did I do that was so wrong to deserve being treated like this? I regret nothing doctor because nothing is my fault.”
112 thoughts on “Regrets”
I’ve heard what low functioning narcs have been saying about me behing my back, after I had called them out …. so pathetic and disgusting. Unfortunately still often convincing to unsuspecting individuals.
So it’s also actually a bit like my mother going to women’s groups and drawing energy there, and revelling in her being such a poor widow.
Dear Mr Tudor,
My mum doesn’t do regrets …… she blames it on others !
Only the other day she mentioned she once said her own mother
“I hate you”
I asked mum “what caused you to say that” ?
Mum replied “my friend at the time told me to because she did it to her mother, so I did”
I asked mum “how did she react” ?
Expressionless, mum replied , “she cried”
Mr Tudor, are you still in consultation with the good doctors ?
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
I continue to interact with them, Bubbles.
Dear Mr Tudor,
How are you coping with it, it’s been awhile ?
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
I think the reason why narcs dont feel empathy and have no regrets is the extreme compartmentalization. Everyone can compartmentalize to a degree but with npd i think theirs is extreme to the point of being delusional. Its like living in your own fairytale where none of the bad feelings in life get to you. A wall of armor within the mind. Nothing that can harm it can permeate thru. A deeply insecure and wounded child will set this wall up in their mind much like a sexually assaulted victim does.
This reminds me of my mother bc we had a few counselling sessions together and at some point in my one on one with the psychologist i was asked what would you like from your mother? One of the things was for her to admit to any life mistakes or regrets in hopes i could connect with her and possibly gain support. At that point i was starving for her love and support. I wanted what i would never have bc she was not that person or ever would be. I wanted a sympathetic mother and friend i could confide in. This was before i knew about npd. I was a blind woman in the dark feeling my way around literally!.
In a session together the psychologist asked her if she had any regrets or life mistakes and she would not admit to ANY! She kept saying she chooses to focus only on the positive in life and not look back. The psychologist was frusterated and gave up. It was futile. I dont know if they knew she had npd but i think they suspected it was going nowhere with her. We never went back.
I believe in looking at past mistakes and trying to make amends the best i can and moving on. Regrets are healthy but not to dwell on and beat yourself up on bc thats counterproductive. The past is the past but we also learn from history and you can learn from your regrets either having done something you wish you hadnt or not doing something you wish you had.
does it make any sense to you that a narc would go to a men’s group to “talk about his feelings”?
How? Façade management? Information gathering? Opportunity to blame others for failures, etc?
Yes and the belief they are the empath and the victim.
Agreed HG and we are the Narcissist! Very smart.
HG if someone realises what you are and escapes are they painted black or white ?
I know we are self-regulating, but I don’t have to constantly assure myself. Can’t you ever relax, and be contented? What would happen, would you start feeling like you’re inadequate? It’s like having a very fast metabolism that makes you constantly starving to eat or you feel like you’ll faint if you don’t.
It’s like you’re missing an ignition switch, and our reactions act like the key that turns it on inside you and jumpstarts your self-regulation. You generate your own self worth, but it has to be primed by our reactions. And then you idle too fast and eat oil excessively, and require a lot more fuel than the rest of us.
Thanks H G
More motivating reasons to Get Away, Stay Away. Hope I get to the point that I don’t have a visceral reaction when I read an article like that. Or maybe that is why it motivates. My goal is to truly, Truly be able to say, “it Does Not Matter” to all of the narcs nonsense.
Anyone care to join me ?
It is Get Out Stay Out, Susan, as GOSO is better to say than GASA (that sounds like a corruption of a once excellent English footballer).
HG forbid if anyone corrupts an English football legend’s name!
So funny. Had to lol
I use get away/stay away bc it’s my male sibling, not the significant other so many are invoked with
But I will GOSO. Once I know, you better believe I go. See you again, never. You look really great in the rear view mirror! Whatever it takes to walk forward !
HG I really appreciate your honesty once again.i guess it is our fault for falling in love with your kind. Whatever we do it’s not good enough.. I cant believe you smashed a TV I cant picture you did that.i can see that Narcs do get a temper sometimes. I mostly get silent treatments b
ut I guess its all in the dynamic
However I did see blamshifting as you tried and changed the topic with the dr. When he asked you about what have you ever regretted.
“Now” the narcissist broke my tv, my microwave, my convection oven,my dresser drawers, my closet door, 3 bedroom doors, my bathroom door frame, 4 mirrors, 12 phones, my crystal votives, my crystal ashtrays, my kitchen bowls, stabbed thru the feather blanket, smashed my nightstand with a hammer, threw my dinner against the wall 4 nights straight so that I literally starved working doubles and only trying to eat afterwards, threw my makeup out the window and giving me a black eye, broke all of my tv remotes, ripped a shirt off me, ripped my pajama pants, ripper the ignition out of my bike, I could keep going…..
Oh my faults were calling him out for cheating on me while abusing me physically, financially, emotionally, verbally & psychologically. Because how dare I, obviously.
Pati, it is not about fault. When we empaths love a N we fall for the illusion of the N facade. We are not shown their true inner world until we are already well in place in the relationship. Es also tend to hope and have faith in what we believe versus what actually exists. The defense mechanism of narcissism is so complete it cannot be pried open or discarded. It was a defense created for their very survival. It is not trivial it is integral. It is forever fused with their views and experience. Both N and E may find something irresistible initially in the pairing. It is a no-fault situation Pati, both are driven by their own design. But once aware, you can reclaim your life and can opt out of such an unhealthy dynamic in the future.
It is also not true that what you do is not good enough. You are more than good enough. The N only dismisses or rejects what you offer to maintain control. This is part of their defense.
So go easy on yourself. It is not about you. This complicated interaction is just an unfortunate alchemy created by the desires of two people who can never actually be fulfilled together. Their aims are ultimately at odds. I truly hope you see and know your worth is never dependent on another. Your worth is beyond measure and is innate.
Hi FYC, I agree with you totally ,the mask slips and we see the real person. I look at him and I actually feel sorry for him because deep down inside he is lonely and I fulfill his loneliness by provided him fuel.
Thanks you again FYC.
When I first spotted my N, that is exactly what I told my friends I was sitting with…he looks so lonely. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA…little did we know!!!!!!!! He has more “friends” than the ice cream man in July!!!!!
Pati, That is your kind heart. He is not lonely. He does not have the associated feelings that provoke loneliness (desire for emotional connection/intimacy). He may be low on fuel or he may be lacking a sense of significance due to a lapse in power/conrol. When you are present, he is fueled.
I admire your approach. You are very good at balancing the offer of hard data for consideration along with your own personal opinions and observations, and you do it in a way that still offers comfort and understanding to others. That is an excellent skill to have in an arena such as this and I wanted you to know that I enjoy your participation here as I’m sure do many others.
Wow, NA, what a kind compliment. Thank you very much. Coming from you, it means a lot. I am a huge fan of your commentary here and you could be making the same statement about yourself except you would also find a way to make it humorous. I can’t tell you how often I share your comments with others and they are enjoyed by all. You are awesome and very appreciated.
Hi HG, thanks for allowing us yet another insoghtful peek into your world. I continue to be amazed by the revelations. I have 2 questions. . How long can the golden period last? What happens to a greater or mid if they find themselves depleted of fuel due to circumstances totally beyond their control. Thanks for answering.
Usually 6-18 months sometimes less, sometimes more.
HG isn’t it true that yourself being an ultra has prepared in advance for fuel crises? I can’t imagine someone as yourself ever letting that happen, especially the way you plan for everything.
They do not happen to me.
I have commandeered a dress stolen by a narcissist from his pride and joy so as to return it to it’s rightful owner while tolerating ego world so as to let her escape Mr Narcissist
“I regret nothing doctor because nothing is my fault.”
I used to tell him he was the best. The best in all to survive in any situation. No regrets of course. He is always right.
Exactly. The same is for the narc I knew.
Who did it the first time HG?
Who did what the first time, Saint?
HG, did you harm or kill a dog? Am I interpreting that correctly? I remember you mentioned in another article that you wouldn’t hurt an animal but it sounds like that’s what is implied here. You say Kate’s dog went missing because she didn’t care for it properly but also because she didn’t give you the attention you deserve.
The dog went missing.
The bunny, too.
Was it boiled?
Backstabbing cheating ass b*tch ass bunny Kung Fu fighting peeping tom voyeur revenge porn criminal. Ugh.
Do you like dogs HG?
I have no interest in animals unless they serve a purpose to me. I do not understand why people let dogs lick them when a dog goes around sniffing faeces and the anuses of other dogs.
Where a dog has licked? Who knows where all a narcissist’ mouth has been, or hands, you could practically get cooties just from having their eyes on you! I ❤️ dogs! They know how to love unconditionally.
I’m scrupulously clean.
Dogs love you because you feed them.
Nuh uh, dogs love you even if you don’t feed them. I hope one licks you! 🤣
You stop feeding a dog, it’ll soon go elsewhere.
The dog will prefer not to.
The dog will leave if you don’t feed it only for survival, it will still love you and miss you. Dogs adore narcissists, I would think you’d lap up all that affection.
It’s not fuel. Animals go to whoever feeds them. They’re animals.
I don’t think you ever had a dog, I think you might’ve had a cat. Dogs are hopeless empaths. They’re very smart and human like emotionally, they’re one of the family. I’m surprised to hear their love and devotion and loyalty doesn’t give you fuel.
Dogs aren’t smart. Throw a stick and they run after it and bring it back. Do that for a cat and it looks at you as if to say “fetch it yourself”
Haha, too funny. You win! of course
Dogs know how to protect someone in a position of vulnerability or less power – so I’d say they are smarter than the average narc.
Actually, I’m pretty sure you’re unscrupulous, lol.
Not when it come to hygiene. You see, the dirt always lands elsewhere.
Scrupulously clean—I believe it but only because they would kick you out of the nice places you post on IG!
Haha kel! “Who knows where the narcissist mouths have been!” I wish they all ate bugs and peed their pants so we just knew who they were straight away!
Imagine how confused the dogs are at being considered further down the food chain than people who go around sniffing and licking the anuses and adjacent parts of other people.
My husband’s father told him and his brothers that God switched all the dogs assholes at birth and that they go around sniffing each other to find their original asshole. Now that’s some fine parenting right there. True story.
Do you have pets NA? I would adore another cat but just can’t..
I had two dogs but they are now passed on and I can’t go through that again so there will be no more.
I understand NA.
I understand the cleanliness issue—but fluffy and cute kinda makes it all go away. I used to dabble in dog sports and breed GSD’s. Met loads of interesting people but now I’m into fluffy types.
My neighbors’ dogs loved me, and I never fed them.
I did, however, hug them and pet them and pat them and name them George.
I was watching a documentary on wolves and to be fully trusted and accepted you should let the wolf lick in your mouth. It tells them ehat you eat, if you have illness or disease and your body chemistry as well as where youve been. I could and never would do that and was shocked the lady in the documentary did ickkk
As for dogs….ive had cats for years and love them as well but dogs are my favorite. Cats dont seem as smart they dont get the human interaction part and arent as interactive as dogs. Just my opinion of course. I do love cats as well and animals in general excluding creepy crawlies ickk
HG I respect your opinon that you dont llke dogs. Not everyone does.However they are very loyal ,loving and your best friend. It doesn’t matter whether you feed them or not . Take care
They sniff anuses and faeces. You can be best friends with the filth-nosed hound.
Yes they do sniff it’s their nature just like it’s the Narcissists nature to sniff us empaths and ensnare us and make our life miserable and hell!
I agree. I respect animals well
Enough but am
Not a dog person. I HATE it when someone’s mutt comes running towards me whilst walking down a trail (and they are not supposed to be unleashed) and they say “oh don’t worry he’s friendly”
To which I respond “it’s no matter to me
Whether he’s friendly or not … he’s not my dog… he’s yours …
Put it on a leash and keep
It away from me”
People and their dogs…. lol.
I love dogs (and most animals) but I will say that is an example of an irresponsible dog owner and it annoys me also.
My pet peeve is when dog owners dont pick up after the crap !!!!! I get annoyed . I also see people spit on the street and it is so disgusting.
I could go on for days NA about dog owners. Just another example of how lazy and entilted most people are lol. It’s a sore spot for me… and I especially hate hearing “ he’s friendly “… what does that have to do with anything?
I think people should ask if they can pet the dog first. A lot if dogs do bite are not friendly dog owners let them run loose with no leash . Again irresponsible
Man’s best friend isnt a dog. Its woman’s worst enemy that is man’s best friend. #WWE #EWW #enemyworstwoman = #mansbestfriend #stopblamingdogsforSaruman #SirChristopherLee #IsReallyInWestBluffingtonIowa #AoneSinceDayOne #Pokerface #TimeIsOfTheEssence #CoughAkaMyEvanescence
Thanks for that.
For those who are repulsed by a dog kiss on the face (lick) keep this in mind: A lick on the face is safer than a lick on the tongue. So hopefully you do not french kiss a human, as humans have approximately the same amount of bacteria on their tongues as dogs (regardless of what they sniff or lick). Plus dogs are likely safer as there are far fewer diseases they can share with humans. So go ahead and love a dog. A little lick will not likely kill you. Your car is far more dangerous.
Not when they are Listerined prior to engagement. Dogs are filthy animals, how anybody lets them sleep on or in their bed is disgusting.
HG, I had to laugh at the Listerined comment. I do hope you do not go to the extreme of Howard Hughes (one of your kind I am sure). Honestly, due to your feelings on the matter, I am glad you do not have pets. I respect that your views and choices are in alignment.
Thank you FYC.
One of my dogs jumped on my bed and pooped recently! I was so pissed off!
My argument prevails.
HG you win again unfortunately lol.
I think you meant congratulations
I was displeased by the poop. Pain in the ass.
Ha! He was probably at the door while you were ordering hair scents on Amazon.
Nice NA!! You know I’m making progress on shampooing less. My hair health is of great magnitude.
A woman at work once said to me: Don’t tell me you let your dog on the bed NA! I replied: I do. He sleeps at my feet and is more of a protector and cleaner than the men you let in yours to swap bodily fluids with.
I have no issue with people who do not choose pets but they sometimes make up ridiculous reasons. I have been more bothered by the behaviours of their children. If people would try as hard to save a dog as they do a relationship with a narcissist they would find more loyalty, affection, and peace. After all, we feed the narcissist to get love in return just like we do the dog, only the dog won’t fuck my best friend, steal my money, and ruin my life.
NA, I love dogs and virtually all animals as well, but like you, I am grateful when those who do not like animals do not have them. Better for both. I also think it’s funny when some people think dogs are unclean, but will readily shake hands with someone or use the “5 second rule” when dropping something and feel perfectly fine. We humans get caught up in the idea of things more than the reality of things.
I once took a microbiology class at university where we were instructed to take a petri dish home and leave it open for a couple of days and bring it back. (Note: I am a very clean person and had no pets at the time.) I brought the petri dish back to class and was repulsed to find under the microscope the myriad of bacteria that randomly exists in all air we breath. We are surrounded by life of all kinds in all places, no matter what. All the more reason to have proper defenses internal and externally to prevent successful invasion of healthy life by invaders.
Hmm, correlates nicely to the defenses HG provides us to protect against would be invaders of our emotional ecosystem.
NA, I am so sorry for the loss of your two best friends. I agree completely with your sentiment. I will always love my best friends who are no longer with me. Their lives are simply far too short.
FYC I never eat the nuts they provide at bars. They did a study and actually found urine samples in them. People dont seem to wash their hands after using the washroom. DISGUSTING!!!!! 🤢
Another excellent example, Pati.
Studies done on cell phones have shown fecal matter present, and for the love of whatever matters to you, as soon as you go into a hotel room remove the bedcover that shows semen and other bodily fluids under a black light. They wash the sheets but not that every time. But then I suppose it doesn’t matter depending on what you dragged in there with you, and alcohol kills everything. Mostly the ability to care haha.
Lol, NA, all very true and all disgusting. While we are at it, wipe down everything you touch on a plane too with an antimicrobal wipe.
Exactly ,and dont drink the drinking glasses in the washrooms of hotels either they wash them by hand . It’s funny how we people started this topic. First about dogs then about cleanliness. Thanks to HG! Lol !!!!!!
I’m so disturbed by this conversation. I jump in to see comments about regrets. Instead I get urine coated nuts, sex germs and anus licking.
Haha, I think you’d agree that they are all regretful. But I know what you mean. It was a temporary turn and I’m sure that’s the end of it.
Thank you so much FYC
You are most welcome, Pati, every time. No need for thanks. You comments are appreciated regardless.
This blog is amazing everyone here is very knowledgeable about Narcissism. I am still learning and it’s very interesting.
It truly is, Pati, and the learning never ends.
HG, what are you thanking RCCola for who is referring to dogs and Saru man, Christopher Lee, and Iowa?
RCCola, what are you hinting at with your hashtag comments regarding dogs and the Hobbit and Iowa?
It is called sarcasm.
I was warned before i got my chi she would end up sleeping in bed with us and that is what happened. Shes curled up beside me right now 😍 As far as dog kisses i love them as long as theyre not on the mouth. I like her kisses but other dogs im kind of weird about with their germs.
Ive always loved animals and yes some things can be a bit gross about their ways but i still love them anyways ❤
As far as cats they can be gross with hacking up furballs. Thats something i dont miss 😄
My dog goes grooming ,I brush his teeth everyday, brush him ,he has little booties when he goes outside and i wash his paws.I also have chocolate doggie bags for picking up.
He smells better than some people with body odour. I have a doggie bed for him, but he likes to sleep with me. He never gives me the silent treatment lol.
HG if youre that clean does sex germs bother you? Just curious bc you seem to put importance on cleanliness. Not meant as sarcasm im curious thx
Sex germs? What on earth are those?
Did you happen to leave a gate open? By chance of course. Or Kate left it open (so you told her), and you didn’t shut it to teach her a lesson?
This is the article where he mentions that he does not hurt animals.